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so tired or manic

so tired or manic

Arcanist
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
462
instead of worrying "where does this go" i'm just going to shove everything in a solid thread from now on.

for diabetes, since about February or so, I've been out of parts for all my equipment. a mixture of switching doctors and parts have been stopped being made. the real culprit is insurance who wouldn't let me get a shiny new device, only outdated stuff, so there's no parts to be had for the blood sugar sensor or my insulin pump. when covid hit it was decided that old products should no longer be supplied. so thanks medicare for enforcing that disability only means I'm not worthy of lifesaving equipment.

about 5 months of nothing but needles easily 5-6 times a day i'm finally getting a new insulin pump. just have to work on getting a blood sugar sensor, which has very strict (for no reason) rules to go by so that's still going to be a few months.

still have to call around to make progress towards a surgery consultation, but at least I know that much is possible. after the consultation is a whole other story featuring probably selling a kidney to find the money. i guess i'll find out eventually and stress about it when I have an actual number.

the good thing about covid is it means i have access to therapists from cities away so I plan to start looking into that before long. I keep letting trauma build up and just making everything worse so at the very least talking to a therapist can't hurt too much.

PROGRESS

why is it so draining
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
292
Glad you're making progress, as draining as it can be. Reading this makes me glad my insurance job didn't pan out. It's such a soul draining and shit sucking career. It's all about the money with them. You can only deny so many surgeries and durable medical equipment, while approving body mods and abortions before you want to suck start a shotgun. I hope you can get it all sorted out to your benefit. The healthcare system here is a really bad joke that everyone is tired of hearing.
 
so tired or manic

so tired or manic

Arcanist
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
462
I've had chronic migraines for years now and i don't know the real reason for them. MRI resulted in nothing except confirming cervical stenosis and that a lymph node is angry and should be monitored, but that never happened. accidentally eating gluten can cause them, but also *not* drinking alcohol is usually a factor now. prescription migraine medicine has the wonderful side effect of always creating a worse migraine where i can feel my brain throbbing. at least tylenol and caffeine (or excedrin) gets me by for now.

i can't even hide in the dark and quiet without the panic of what if someone or something sneaks up on me and i can't hear or see it so lights are as low as possible, no noise outside air conditioner and chinchillas running around. and at least my own breath isn't painful this time. might have to submit to ear plugs.

for fucks sake i need a drink.
 
so tired or manic

so tired or manic

Arcanist
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
462
had a dream about covid. don't remember the details, but I had to remind myself it's not just a dream after I woke up. not what I'd call a nightmare, but I suppose it was a nightmare in it's own sense.

so very very tired. all energy is just zapped away. must be a depression. sarcastic yay.
 
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so tired or manic

so tired or manic

Arcanist
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
462
I forgot how suicidal I get from not drinking. a few days sober and I'm hoping and praying for a deadly seizure.

stopped insulin for a day, but just slept a whole day away so not eating anything my blood sugar will only go up so much and take drastically longer.

the pump that came didn't come with the parts that delivered insulin. so it's now just a physical reminder that I'm subhuman.
 
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so tired or manic

so tired or manic

Arcanist
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
462
I'm so tired. I can't sleep. I toss and turn and panic. I know nothing will get me. body, stop doing this. stop reacting. just sleep.
 
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so tired or manic

so tired or manic

Arcanist
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
462
just in case there's any more of me hiding in this head I poke through my posts, but I remember making all of them.

another post that got merged:
parents are updating beneficiaries. my mom works at a school and has been telling me teachers have been writing wills.

I don't really have much thought on it other than I don't want to be left anything. but of course that would mean I'm out of a place to live if everyone dies and I miraculously survive.

I keep hoping to move far away. being left a house would only make things more complicated.

I just want to vanish. never talk to them again.

that hope keeps getting pushed further and further away as moving keeps proving more and more difficult.
 
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so tired or manic

so tired or manic

Arcanist
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
462
hangover today for the first time in a long time. the thing about hangovers is they feel like really mild migraines so it takes forever to connect the dots. guess I'll be drinking a lot of water until I feel better.
 
so tired or manic

so tired or manic

Arcanist
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
462
got my insulin pump parts today so that's running. getting a new sensor is being worked on and could happen sooner than I expected.

a guy has been working with me, I got sent to him because I must be counting carbs wrong, he's a nutritionist. I figured at the very least I can show him I am not doing things wrong so I made the appointment. he's been helping me with getting the equipment I've been promised for the last 6 months and it's only really taken a few days and I now have the insulin pump.

I had a nutritionist at another group who was basically the same person, just female version. she helped me to get the pump parts after I've fallen between the cracks. she moved to another company and I had tried to get back in touch with her, but I'm glad I could find someone similar all these years later.
 
deadgirlahsatan

deadgirlahsatan

Specialist
Joined
Jun 5, 2020
Messages
375
Sorry u get migraines. Those are fucking hell. I get them too .Mainly hormonal ones. ;-;
 
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so tired or manic

so tired or manic

Arcanist
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
462
deadgirlahsatan said:
Sorry u get migraines. Those are fucking hell. I get them too .Mainly hormonal ones. ;-;

there was a point I had one solid one for about 6 months that fluctuated between I can live with this and I need to remove my head now. I was reading how with hashimoto's thyroiditis how people were doing better eating gluten free and figured what do I have to lose. apparently I'm also celiac and after eating gluten free my thyroid antibodies drastically dropped and the neverending migraine stopped. my muscle and joint aches were practically gone. never would have expected a diet change to make everything so much more tolerable (except for eating).

now it's at least easy enough to drink a shot and if my migraine gets better it was the lack of booze. if it doesn't, means there was cross contamination with something I ate.
 
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so tired or manic

so tired or manic

Arcanist
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
462
I haven't really gone into the trans stuff besides mentioning it a couple times. my name was legally changed right before covid so that was lucky. just getting the paperwork to match after covid hit has been difficult. the birth certificate and driver's license is my next step and today I got a paper in the mail saying I needed it notarized for the birth certificate. that's been done so hopefully a shiny new birth certificate will come in the mail pretty soon.

DMV closes at 3 and I keep remembering to call to see if I can even get an appointment around 4 or later. at least here they're allowing appointments to begin with. I just don't know if what I need is covered in my county. at least my current id doesn't expire for a while even if it looks nothing like me and has the wrong name and gender and isn't even the right state.
 
Garbage Person

Garbage Person

Eating snowflakes with plastic forks
Joined
Jan 17, 2020
Messages
292
So glad to hear you're getting taken care of as far the medical equipment goes. Here's hoping you get the new sensor soon. It's a relief when you can work with people that genuinely care about helping you with those needs.
 
so tired or manic

so tired or manic

Arcanist
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
462
made it two whole days. feeling a little calmer, but I did have a panic attack yesterday, so I'm not sure if calmer is all around or just right now.

my little cat was begging to play and I got quite a lot of exercise since she refuses to play fetch. that's a productive way to move around I suppose.
 
so tired or manic

so tired or manic

Arcanist
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
462
everything feels wrong. the decisions I have made in the past few days feel so far out of my grasp. like I didn't have control.

I just want to go back to ignorance.

I really don't want to,. no, can't see a therapist, but I don't know what to do otherwise and my actions are impulsive and just... not me. I'm trying so hard to not keep hurting everyone.

I'm not committed to DID being a part of me. I don't want It. it's all a coincidence. it's not possible.
 
deadgirlahsatan

deadgirlahsatan

Specialist
Joined
Jun 5, 2020
Messages
375
so tired or manic said:
there was a point I had one solid one for about 6 months that fluctuated between I can live with this and I need to remove my head now. I was reading how with hashimoto's thyroiditis how people were doing better eating gluten free and figured what do I have to lose. apparently I'm also celiac and after eating gluten free my thyroid antibodies drastically dropped and the neverending migraine stopped. my muscle and joint aches were practically gone. never would have expected a diet change to make everything so much more tolerable (except for eating).

now it's at least easy enough to drink a shot and if my migraine gets better it was the lack of booze. if it doesn't, means there was cross contamination with something I ate.
6 whole months!!So sorry. ;-; :mmm: I follow a gluten free diet. I tend to have trouble digesting gluten.
 
so tired or manic

so tired or manic

Arcanist
Joined
Jun 12, 2020
Messages
462
money issues. my recovery is done.

I won't be able to afford rent.

it's just a fight I don't want to deal with. I'm so tired of fighting for something that I have zero control over, my health.

glad I ordered the sn last night. now it's just waiting. funny thing is with my health issues I already have all the suggested medication to go with it.

I wish I could give my animals a better life, but they'll be worse off when I can't buy their food anymore. at least if I'm gone the responsibility gets shifted.
 
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