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onamy

Member
Sep 23, 2018
33
I've been in a bit more emotional phase lately (4 years of depression), and now more than ever I feel the need of physical intimacy.

With intimacy, I don't necessarily mean sex, sex would be a bonus but not the thing. What I'm thinking about is simply two bodies pressing against each other tightly in a mutual embrace, feeling each other's warmth and heartbeat of an alive being - being as close as it's physically possible, being vulnerable to each other - "two bodies merging into one", as it's often described.

But, well, I've never experienced that. We do a quick friend hug sometimes when seeing off our group of friends, and that's maybe once every 3 months. (I do realize some people don't have even that). The furthest I've been with a girl was in complicated friendship (with some chemistry), but even then it was quick hugs at most.

Sometimes when I see my family, some of the enthusiastic kids get physical. And that has made me realize how rare any physical contact at all is. For example, when a kid deliberately grabs my arm (nothing sexual by the way) it just feels weird because of how rare it is and how I'm not used to it, and as a result I pull myself away. I've realized how in normal day to day interaction, people don't normally even touch each other (unless it's accident or "accident" aka flirting). Even if you are in the same room, all remote connection, and that's lonely and sad thought.

Second thing is, mental connection. You don't want to get TOO intimate with your friends for example, that's reserved for a partner. That's also the reason I've not considered getting myself a hooker, because I don't believe that the needed mental connection would be there with a stranger. On the other hand, I feel like connecting with anyone would be hard. I have this fantasy of intimacy and connection, but when it comes to real people, nobody feels like the right person to experience it with completely freely.

With this connection I mean that both parties would feel the same about the intimacy, and what it means to them. But that's almost impossible since people always have different perspectives and give different weight to different things in their mind.

I can't believe how strongly I feel about all this. Like, it's a completely different category compared to everything else in life. The description in the second paragraph, experiencing that would be heaven, nothing else would matter. Like, I could die happily if I could experience it. Or get addicted. People always compare love to a drugs, and I guess I get it.

I feel VERY very isolated and lonely.
 
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onamy

Member
Sep 23, 2018
33
So, why did I post this to Sanctioned Suicide? Because of the connection. I can't feel intimate connection between healthy people living a normal life. It's just too different. They care much more about different things than I do. Like compatibility. My though was, can't people just not care about trivial shit and just be... intimate. Sharing the mindset that nothing much in life matters. Be intimate together just for the oxytocin and endorphin rush, and the feeling of connection with another person.
 
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okyeah

-
Jul 20, 2018
425
SSRIs can help get rid of these feelings if u are looking for a solution.

I understand your feelings but believe me when I say that expressing this in the real world will make you look weak and pathetic. And will drive people away from u.
 
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unoriginal

Member
Apr 28, 2018
24
Yeah, I have been touched maybe 3 times in the past 3 years.
I have this fantasy of intimacy and connection, but when it comes to real people, nobody feels like the right person to experience it with completely freely.
This hit me right in the heart. Since childhood I have had the same longing for someone I could feel this deep connection with, someone that it would feel "like home" to be around. Now I know it's just a silly fantasy. I think some people just aren't meant to experience that deep connection that you're desrcibing in real life. Some people're just too "cold" or disconnected or aloof by their nature. I also share you concern about this feeling being addictive. It used to boggle my mind how people can lose all dignity and self-respect and be so clingy when in comes to relationships. Now, having experienced a sort of ifatutuatin (that was mostly in my head), I sort of understand. I think it's very possible if I did taste this sense of intimacy with a person I would become a crazed relationship/intimacy addict. I don't know if it's better that nothing.
 
Caustic Cardinals

Caustic Cardinals

Enlightened
Sep 1, 2018
1,340
Loneliness causes physical pain . We are meant to be with others and when companionship has withheld our health is compromised. If I weren't so lonely I might not be as depressed
 
Wantingpeace

Wantingpeace

-
Aug 16, 2018
672
After drug damage alot of time cannot stand to be hugged when I loved that before. But this is different kind of lonely feels like the world and people have sharp edges. Can feel no connection. I only logically know a family member is in room but can't feel they are there.
 
Aesthler

Aesthler

Death is the only God who comes when you call
Sep 25, 2018
417
In my opinion people are hard to connect with, even with like minded people. I can start conversations with people without problems usually but after a short period I just run out of things to say. I've never said a whole lot in general, people usually referred to me as the quiet guy. Maybe my lack of using verbal communication is what leads me to be so horrible with it but that's my biggest barrier to developing not only intimate relationships but even simple connections with other people.

I've learned to cope with it in certain ways though, but that doesn't mean I don't crave it. Drugs and alcohol usually alleviate a lot of the social anxiety I have but I know that's not really healthy either. I've had one long term relationship in my entire life that I just got out of very recently.
I don't really foresee another one coming along, even if I wasn't planning to ctb.
 
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LifeSick

LifeSick

Eat the rich or die!
Sep 20, 2018
167
I’m my opinion people are hard to connect with, even with like minded people. I can start conversations with people without problems usually but after a short period I just run out of things to say. I've never said a whole lot in general, people usually referred to me as the quiet guy. Maybe my lack of using verbal communication is what leads me to be so horrible with it but that's my biggest barrier to developing not only intimate relationships but even simple connections with other people.

I've learned to cope with it in certain ways though, but that doesn't mean I don't crave it. Drugs and alcohol usually alleviate a lot of the social anxiety I have but I know that's not really healthy either. I've had one long term relationship in my entire life that I just got out of very recently.
I don't really foresee another one coming along, even if I wasn't planning to ctb.

I feel your pain. Social anxiety is horrible. I envy so much those people that seem to be completely relaxed in social situations. They seem to be so happy doing so, making connections. Alcohol and drugs really do help but they may bring more problems in the long run. And lately they seem to be losing their efficacy with me, I guess my anxiety is getting to an all-time high right now. Hope the best for you.
 
Aesthler

Aesthler

Death is the only God who comes when you call
Sep 25, 2018
417
I feel your pain. Social anxiety is horrible. I envy so much those people that seem to be completely relaxed in social situations. They seem to be so happy doing so, making connections. Alcohol and drugs really do help but they may bring more problems in the long run. And lately they seem to be losing their efficacy with me, I guess my anxiety is getting to an all-time high right now. Hope the best for you.

Thank you, I hope you can find a way out of all your anxiety, pain and suffering soon.
 
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Taylored

I've figured it out
Sep 20, 2018
321
After a while I stopped caring for intimacy and connections and just closed all doors. The thought of new social connections frightens me.
 
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