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Lunar

Lunar

Student
Aug 14, 2018
189
Very relatable. Thank you for posting.

I've been in a similar position since I was 16-17 years old and I'm 28 now. The main difference is that I no longer live with my father since 2016. I would still be living with him if I'd had more of a choice in the matter. I started shutting myself away shortly after I went to college (not that I ever went out much to begin with) which is something that someone else chose for me as I've never had any idea of what I wanted to do. I've never had any dreams, goals, aspirations, whatever you want to call it. I dropped out quickly because of not being able to cope, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, etc. I survive off of several different benefits I get from the government and while my father no longer supports me in that way, he's still a huge pillar of support in my life. I know that once he passes I'll definitely have no choice but to CTB. I would rather do it much sooner though, especially since I'm really feeling the pressure being put on me to part of society, get a job, become a wage slave and an assortment of other things I'd rather just not do. I've never felt any drive to do anything with my life.

Also, I feel kind of bad being on this site when there's so many people suffering on here that are in chronic pain and have had terrible things happen to them, whereas I sound like I'm a childish, self-absorbed, whiny and stubborn sack of shit, but regardless my head feels like it's constantly screaming at me. I still feel like I'm in mental anguish. I don't see the point in a life where one is forced to work just to survive, get over hurdles only for more to keep being thrown at you, trying to cling to little bits of happiness when there's so much crap. I have been told by therapists, psychiatrists, doctors, and so forth that I have to find a meaning, something, anything to make life worth living but I don't want a meaning. I feel like that's being said because they need to get you into society, drain you of everything within you and exploit you.

There's more to why my agoraphobia got worse and worse and why I haven't topped myself sooner, but I don't want to bore anyone reading this dribble. Sorry if I sounded like I was repeating myself over and over. It's a common habit with my postings on this site to repeat the same thing because it's on my mind constantly, so I'm like a broken record that needs destroying.
 
Escargot Shorts

Escargot Shorts

Tears-of-a-Clown Ass Bitch
Sep 26, 2018
184
wow the thread there is long. read posts in it up to the second or third page only. but it's been a lot to process. like, this person's been beaten down by mental/physical illness and circumstance to the point of complete defeatism. i can understand the urge of some people there to give the kind of peptalks that, while valid, kinda ring hollow and are all basically like 'i made a choice to not be miserable'--again, not like, an incorrect approach i guess, but definitely i think speaks only to a certain type of person and isn't always applicable. but even gentler suggestions get shot down. i think my favorite part was an exchange between someone commenting and the OP like: "what do you want us to say?" "nothing really" like, it's heavy stuff.

i also really like looking at all the people who posted on that forum in 2011 and how many of them are permanently banned. like. that's so many possible narratives there. tried looking up the OP but i'd have to join that site and i'm not that curious. Yet.

Very relatable.
it sounds like you've got a lot of hurting going on too, i'm sorry.
 
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Angst Filled Fuck Up

Angst Filled Fuck Up

Super duper enlightened
Sep 9, 2018
1,699
Props to the dudebro in that topic going "make it your motivation to get laid." How do people like that ever figure out their heads from their asses, seriously. Anyway, I can relate to the broader topic. Maybe not as extreme, as I've had life experience, relationships etc. But I have shirked almost every opportunity to be sociable or adopt responsibilities throughout my life. I'm uncomfortable with almost everything.
 
Escargot Shorts

Escargot Shorts

Tears-of-a-Clown Ass Bitch
Sep 26, 2018
184
Props to the dudebro in that topic going "make it your motivation to get laid."
yea i'm like, super amazed by duality in saying 'you just gotta have sex!' on the website literally intended for social anxiety--but also i know those people and their hangups really are just like that so yeah.

my social anxiety has def been a lot more manageable than it was maybe about four years ago but i still struggle in certain environments especially if i feel 'purposeless' there or project a sense of not being welcome there or twist myself up freaking out if someone suddenly doesn't like me anymore lol, it's all so. very, very whack and dumb.
 
Roulette

Roulette

???
Aug 31, 2018
145
Man this stuff is scary. It's something I want to avoid becoming. In a way, it's kind of motivational? Not sure if thats even appropriate. Dunno if its motivation to ctb or to "do something" with my life, because in the end the socially anxious are doomed.

Only had one job, and the possibility of getting fired always loomed over me since I never socialised with customers the way the boss wanted. Why do I have to become every customers bestfriend and get so weirdly personal? Eugh.. as I've learned, being social is the backbone to your life... what job doesn't expect it?

Maybe it really is a joke for an adult to still be mute. I really do sympathize with hikkis and such. It cant be changed or understood
 
Lunar

Lunar

Student
Aug 14, 2018
189
It sounds like you've got a lot of hurting going on too, i'm sorry.

Thank you.

If anything, it's all my fault. I only have myself to blame, my inaction. I don't want anything and can't think of a time in life where I ever truly wanted something for myself badly enough. 'People, society, normality', whatever you want to name it are all one of the same to me and all of it fills me either with complete fear or this sense of hollowness... blankness. I don't know. It looks like laziness from the outside, but no it's more than that which I don't have the proper words for.
 
snowman626

snowman626

Arcanist
Jan 28, 2019
498
i just read the whole 29 pages of that thread. i am just like the OP except im a bit older at almost 35 now and i used to have a PT job and i go out a bit more than he does because i do my own grocery shopping. but everything else is the same. ive been a loner/shut-in since i was about 13, so most of my life.

i did go to college for a little bit but dropped out cause i didnt want a job and wanted to do something online and make money working for myself. i felt confident at the time and had several ideas on how to achieve that.

years ago i already knew i was on the path to becoming a hikkikomori and i didnt want to become one so i had goals to be achieved such as having certain amount of financial success with various online businesses, and with that money i can rent my own modern high rise condo and live in the style i felt i was destined for, to finally get a gf or at least get an escort every week and have a frequent sexual life. but i failed to achieve every one of these financial goals due to one reason or another. 10yrs rolled by before my eyes and i have nothing to show for it.

then last year i lost my PT job which was the only thing that allowed me to be independent, and then the pandemic began which made finding another job difficult, then moved back in with parents, got comfortable and now i dont even care anymore. everything just sort of fell into place and i became a hikkikomori, i feel like i didn't choose it it chose me.

im already 35 and i think this is my destiny. im gonna live as a hikkikomori until my mom pass, and then CTB. shes in her mid 60s and as long as nothing bad happens she should be around for another 10-15 yrs, which means i'll be around for another 10-15 yrs, and then its SN checkout time. unlike the OP of that post who said he wouldnt mind being locked up in a mental hospital after his parents pass, i'll definitely mind and so planning on CTB at that point.

another thing that makes me different from the OP of that post is that i have a few ways to make a small income online, so even as i live in my parents home i am at least paying my own food. i also go outside to buy my own food too, but like the OP of that post i also feel very stressed out whenever i have to go outside.

everyday i do very similar things as the OP of that post. i wake up whenever i want (usually around 4pm), eat, watch youtube, play slither.io, do some online stuff to make a little money, and then i go to sleep when im tired (usually around 6am). but im trying to ease back into a day routine now.

im thinking of starting a youtube channel vlogging about my life as a north american hikkikomori, there doesnt seem to be any hikkikomori vloggers on youtube, so i think if i started doing it then id get views. but im inarticulate and vlogging would be difficult, but its something i feel interested in doing. if you're interested in seeing me vlog or have any ideas on what i could vlog/talk about t hen leave me a reply.
 
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