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Belaya Noch

Belaya Noch

Member
Joined
Sep 3, 2020
Messages
62
Desperat said:
33 male, Poland. Fear keeps alive, kept me alive for all over the years.

My parents divorced early, a bit after I was born. My father was an alcoholic, he used to abuse my mother, but in the end, it was her fault that she felt fall all these lies, it was me though, that had to pay the price for someone else mistakes. He had no job, not even high school education, while she was a countryside girl from a poor, farming family.

What could go wrong? Everything. My grandma is dead, but I'll never forget how many times did my mother complain to her, and argue about how bad her life and upbringing was.

Around 4th class it started, as I remember, but might be later though, which is unlikely, because there must be a reason for which certain things are so clear to me, and I'll never forget it. 8 at a time, so quite young, but I remember everything so well, like it happened just a few days ago. Even thinking about it makes me want to cry, and I'm starting to have shivers, obviously sweating already, to someone who has not experienced any trauma, or as I called it wasn't "mentaly raped" it might sound... I don't know.

First couple year at school, nothing really happened, but then all of a sudden, it was a downhill ride.

To simply put it how I see it, my mothers mental capacity has run off.

I'm sweating so much, I had to get a paper towel to wipe myself, otherwise I'll drown here.

First were the curses, calling me names, and stuff.
Then beating. In general I experienced both mental, and psyhical abuse.

You have to keep in mind, that everything escaled over the years.

I will try to write a nice post, because it's the only thing that will remain after I'm gone, and you'll be able to see how things unfold naturaly on their own.

Beating, at the beginning I used to cry, cry a lot, and shout, but the more I was beaten, the more I started to get used to it. After a longer while, pain was gone, and all I felt was burning sensation, like stinging of hundret needels at the exactly same time. My mother noticed that, which made her beat me even more, mostly using a belt, sometimes with an open hand, or rarely with a fist. Mainly my buttocks, things, or my back, couple times face.

After the beating, and before beating cursing, later more abuses. Such as spitting at me, or swiping all the dirt from the floor in my room, and telling me to eat it, and guess what, I did eat it, I ate the hairs, dust, and whatever else was there. I ate it all. It was not over though. Sometimes it lasted days. Late night hours meant nothing. I was often forced to do homework, and told "you won't go to sleep after homework is done". And that's exactly what happened. I didn't sleep whole night, since just after I went to bed, or even tried to, my mother instantly got up, and started to insult/beat me, so I went back to do homework, which for most of the times I didn't do. I just sat whole night at my desk, and one day... Trichotillomania started, which is with me to this day. I started wandering with my fingers all over my head, making round moves, playing with my hairs, and then I started to pull them, just like that, pull them, look at them, and stick them to the bulb, I had a double bulb light above my desk, I noticed how fast they change, how they dry out nearly instantly. I went through all the phases. Pulling hairs, eating them, and biting of the hair bulb.

I had to get a new paper tower.

Everything got worse, as the time went by. What I wrote here, is merely couple months of the years 1st, and there are so many more years to describe, but as I wrote earlier, this is the most important part.

Due to all the abuse, something in my head changed, and there were multiple changes. First was obviously resilience to pain and lack of crying, then Trichotillomania. I couldn't take it no more, which made me start running away from home, and spend night outside, and even more often stay up and try to get as late as possible, which at the time for me was late evening. Keep in mind, I was around 8 at the time. Most of the times I spent outside was during the winter, every single time I did it gave me some sort of experience, which helped me to prepare for another time. Double pair of sock, double pants, warmer clotches, some food just in case. At first I was wandering around my neighborhood looking for a place to say, a warm place obviously, because of the winter season. I used to sit near the heater in block of flats, walk all around the open stores, I even got to a roof of a local heat plant in betweent the air intake, but I think someone saw me from the window from the block near by, and I run away.

I once spend the night in, not sure how to explain, in na block of flat, you have an open room on -1 floor, then you have main basement doors, and that's where I stayed, there was some wooden cover there, so I hid there for the night.

While wandering through my neighborhood I found a hidden, safe place, which would since that time be the place that I always went to. It was under the stair, it was a niche next to the windws, since many basements at -1 level have windows here, and that windows has a concrete cover, so that's where I was. There were couple garbage bags there which made if quite comfortable to sit at, soft, and offered an isolation. I was capable of sleeping with breaks, as I was so scared that even the faintiest of noise was waking me up.

The funny things is, one time, I heard my mother calling for me, and after the very first time I did run away, while I went to see the friends from school after the lessons, they told me, she was all crying, when she came in. I had a talk with my form teacher, then with my mom. Both talks didn't really mean a thing. My mother told me many things, but the "truce" lasted only for about a week, or two, and then everything got back to normal, my normality.

I kept running away even more, she used to abuse me more, beating my face untill I bleed from the nose, though I only bleed once, and once I started to leave marks on my bead, to have some sort of proof, she instantly wiped it off, and never touched my face ever again.

Beside all that, she starved me, and once even chocked me, beat me badly before that happened, threw on a bed, put a pillow on my face, and sat on it, then waited.

I remember how I used to run out of our flat, and shout "help me", but the Polish mentality at the time, and I think even today, is what it is, no one cares while you're alive, they only care when it's too late, and then start asking why, etc.

I think I reported it once, to my form teacher, but honestly is spending the rest of my childhood in a reformatory a solution? No. There was, and as far as I'm aware, there is still no solution for kids like me. Regardless, hardy anyone believed me either way. I acted bad at school, had poor grades, and not that good friends, which was enought for everyone to blame, who cares what happens at home right? To this day I can't imagine that no one managed to connect these two dots. The fact that how I act is because what I went throught. My mother is to blame for that, but also the fact of how manipulative person she is to this day, a lier, and that everyone believed her, no matter what.

Mmm.

It was supposed to be long, but I'll stop I guess, no one gives a damn, no one did, there's only 6 hours to edit, I'm not prepared to do it, I found this forum by accident, though I'm glad I did.

This post is like a grain of sand on a beach, you know what I mean.

I can only add, that in 2016 I met Klaudia in person, a girl that I met online, and that made me realize something. If you read it all, you maybe remember how my mother chocked me with a pillow. Klaudia wanted to fool around I guess, she took a pillow, and put it on my face when I was laying on the bed, guess what happened? I pushed here aside, same with the pillow, sat on the edge of the bed, and started crying.

I don't think I will editing this post, or adding anything, there's a lot of work to be done, for me to be happy about this post, but it wouldn't change anything really, just another page in a book of many stories that will be forgotten.
Hello, my fellow citizen.
I read the whole post and I couldn't believe how traumatic your childhood must have been... One could think that stories like this happen only in films.
I'm sending my deepest sympathy.
 
BitterlyAlive_

BitterlyAlive_

-
Joined
Dec 8, 2020
Messages
1,480
Desperat said:
Klaudia wanted to fool around I guess, she took a pillow, and put it on my face when I was laying on the bed, guess what happened? I pushed here aside, same with the pillow, sat on the edge of the bed, and started crying.

I don't think I will editing this post, or adding anything, there's a lot of work to be done, for me to be happy about this post, but it wouldn't change anything really, just another page in a book of many stories that will be forgotten.
These two things really stood out to me. Your reaction was automatic, rooted in trauma. I imagine you feel ashamed for pushing her away and then crying, but it's not bad and it's not your fault.

You've had some truly horrible things happen to you that you didn't deserve. And on here, you're a human being with value, not just another username or "just another page". I hope you find solace in this forum. :hug:
 
WornOutLife

WornOutLife

マット
Joined
Mar 22, 2020
Messages
7,335
Hi dear SS fellows,

My name is Matt. I've been around for almost a year. Had some attempts but always failed. I'm 33 years old and from Argentina.
I love pizza, french fries and having beer or champagne.

I think most of you are amazing because you...you just know how I and most of the members here feel.

Also, I know how YOU feel! I've been there, at the bottom of the sea. I know what hell is like so, feel free to pm me.

Well, I guess that's pretty much it. Whatever you need, here I am!
 
Ihadagoodlife

Ihadagoodlife

Idk
Joined
Jan 18, 2021
Messages
9
Hi im a 20 yo man who got regrets. First i regret not knowing i was a gl guy sooner in my life, i realized it just 2 month ago, it should have been obvious i was gl guy since while never approaching girls, being awkward and anxious, i still managed to get opportunities with girls, some even flat out asked me out but i was dumb and i though that all they could see was my lack of confidence and awkwardness. If i knew i gl before it would ve gave me the confidence to just be myself but unfortunately my low confidence and anxiety always ruined everything.

I ended up dropping out of high school last year of January cause of anxiety, then followed a depression that lasted 2 months i also started loosing all my friends, not from the high school lol i didn't had friends in that school, it was friends i knew from middle school i lost them cause i isolate myself a lot when i feel bad, they then kinda pushed me away tired of me ghosting them for no reason even tho i apologized , they didn't knew i was depressed.

I still got out my depression by working hard on myself, i took cold showers every day for 1 year, did sport at least 3 times a week sometimes more, i even stopped consuming sugar 3 month ago and tbh i felt fantastic it had a real effect on my brain, even tho i didn't had friends anymore i still felt good and i liked the life i was living but the 29th of December just before 2021 after 1 year of hard work to come out of depression i developed tinnitus in both ear, i cant enjoy silence i got a very high pitch ringing in my ears 24 h a day, it put my body in stress mode all the time, i also developed tmj problems and neck problems my head hurt its a torture.

The days before it happened i was so happy and was in the best form of my life, i was proud of myself for beating my old depression . I did so much effort and feel like i dont deserve this, im now slowly giving up on life with my head hurting and body feeling weaker every day. I cant enjoy anything with this torture and if this keep up im gonna have to do something.

 
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it's_all_a_game

it's_all_a_game

I remember...death in the afternoon...
Joined
Nov 7, 2020
Messages
252
I've never introduced myself, and people were nice to me when I talked about my ctb date approaching, so here goes! I'm a 23 year old black girl who has been bullied by everyone, including my own mom. I'm also poor, so nothing fun or interesting ever happens to me. And today's society totally sucks. Those are the main reasons I want to ctb. I've been suicidal snice I was 16, but didn't actually try to die until last year by failing to get hit by a train repeatedly. I'm planning to die by SN, but still not 100% sure.
 
wordsonscreen

wordsonscreen

May we carry the light for each other
Joined
Jan 21, 2021
Messages
728
Hello :)
I turn 24 tomorrow. Am in Boston right now. I like art, cute tv shows, meditation/spirituality/witchcraft, sunshine, baking, and nature. I read a lot and am a researcher. I'm also deeply empathic and a soft person.

(I have lost interest/touch with most of the above listed things as of late)

I have very severe c-PTSD. Don't exactly want to go into why/when/how of anything but I have a long and repetitive history of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse starting from a very young age up until this year. I have spent the last few months fighting to make space to heal by taking time off work and school, getting help, and just trying to nourish myself. Somehow along that process, I have remembered all my suppressed traumas in detail and my mind or body cannot bear the pain from it all. somehow I just have reached a very stagnant dark place. Thus, I am here. I am quite familiar with the resources on here and have been looking into suicide since I was very young. My ideal method is inert gas, if not then SN or jumping.

Currently, I am trying to enjoy some of the things I still am able to while finishing my notes, recordings, buying supplies, and saying goodbyes. I am feeling very isolated and I hope to feel supported and understood before I leave. While I need the pain to stop, I do not want to rush this process and am taking my time with this.

Feel free to message me about anything!
 
Shadowrider

Shadowrider

Student
Joined
Jan 26, 2021
Messages
178
Hello everybody!
First of all, I would like to say thank you to the admins for accepting my registration.

I am quite shitty at writing ego trips, but here are some irrelevant info's about this new user:

Metalhead and music enthusiast. Introvert. Enjoys beer, darkness and gloomy things. Lives in a fantasy world but certainly can tell fantasy from reality. Self-critical. Can be very idealistic. Asexual, wants to become completely genderless. Romantic relationships are okay, though (paradox, I know).
Had quite a few experiences that left them traumatized, being unable to function and to lead a fulfilling life. Feels useless and a burden to society. Ashamed of being unable to grow up.

Very ambivalent about CTB: would like to do it but does not want to do it.
 
GenesAndEnvironment

GenesAndEnvironment

Average ctb enjoyer
Joined
Jan 26, 2021
Messages
3,628
Manchild, 22. Just look up memes, jokes and stereotypes online and it's almost literally me (not joking, all of it). There are one or two posters on here who seem to be have a head on their shoulders, so I wanted to jump in. Oh, and I'm very suicidal. If I CTB it'll be a jump from 100m onto concrete, going to one of those events where you get to try shooting (high cal or shell) or (worst case scenario) ramming ten inches of steel into my throat after locking myself into a room. Also open to other methods, SN sounds interesting. I would love to get to try a sarco or nembutal, tho.
 
T

Teas

Member
Joined
Nov 4, 2018
Messages
38
This is more kind of a reintroduction for me. I haven't been on this forum for quite a while since my mood generally improved. But with all this shit happening again I'm back here. Every time I see people I always feel disappointed and disgusted by how everyone continues to live in such a shitty place. Always acting selfishly and pretending to care. I envy those with stable jobs that can comfortably work from home. I want to find a decent job where I can stay home all my life without people interaction.
 
sorella santini

sorella santini

Member
Joined
Jan 19, 2021
Messages
76
Thinking I should say a few words of introduction. I’ve lurked on the site on and off for two years. Have made two silly failed attempts previously over the course of my life at suicide, but honesty they were half-hearted. I find solace in reading the words of others who are hurting on the inside and outside as much as I am. I suppose I decided to create an account so I could offer that in turn, at least until I finally take my life.
 
whiteflag

whiteflag

New Member
Joined
Jan 19, 2021
Messages
3
Hiya,
I'm a 25 year old woman from the states. I've never been officially diagnosed with anything as I would either lie or avoid any kind of treatment. But that doesn't stop me from having untreated mental illness. I was never good at sticking with anything from public school to college or friends. I always pull back and just let everything rot away. That's why right now I'm just decaying away waiting around to die. I'm most likely to CTB when I'm having impulsive moments as otherwise I can be quite a scaredy cat. Usually I just self-harm by punching and hitting myself during those emotional episodes.

I am usually online a lot and can do anything from browsing Reddit, looking at true crime or watching anime. I love all kinds of media and love a good story above anything else.
 
BornofDust

BornofDust

Student
Joined
Dec 11, 2020
Messages
128
Hey everyone! I never properly introduce myself to everyone. I'm usually pretty guarded nowadays but for the sake of this community I'm more than willing to do so.

I'm 23 Male. Black. Of Caribbean background, born and raised in the states. I have Autism Spectrum Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. I like to read, write, draw, watch YT, Netflix, read and think about philosophy, occasionally workout when I have the will too, lol. Introvert, although I was more of a ambivert leaning introvert in the past. I also like to be in my own head a lot, thinking all sorts of fantasy's lol.I lurked here after accidently finding this site for about a year before officially joining about December of last year. I pretty much already posted about most of my life and what I've been through(although unfortunately those are just the tip of the iceberg). I struggle to figure out my own identity since society has outright rejected me(reasons are in first post I've made). Would like to gain some friendships here too. While I always suffered from depression, I never felt actually suicidal until about 2 years ago. The emotional pain numbness, and toxic shame which I still feel, except slightly less became too unbearable. Hence I ended up looking for solutions, which lead to a road that led me here.

I'm also a bit of a socially inhibited man-child, like to a severe degree lol. The man-child part I try to hide when I'm in public but it unfortunately comes out when I'm really stressed or really oblivious.

Right now I'm trying to finish a degree I'm not exactly passionate about anymore as well as trying to relearn how to draw, and all sorts of things again after spending a lot of time not doing so for so long. As well as a small part of me that I usually forget exist, is trying to still fulfill dreams and ambitions I once believed I could achieve. Might nourish that side so that life can seem less numbing and pointless. Don't know. Anyways, here I am.
 
Cherry Crumpet

Cherry Crumpet

Hiraeth
Joined
May 7, 2018
Messages
132
Hi guys. I've been a member for several years. I'm 36 years old and a woman. While I don't consider myself suicidal now, I was worse in the past. This forum has given me refuge when my thoughts became too hard to deal with. I've gone trough some tramatic events that triggered things.. and even before that. One thing that really helped was being able to see others be able to talk frankly about their feelings though.

Anyway. I live alone. Well, my mom technically lives with me because she can't afford to live alone. I have no family or children. I think I'm starting to be okay with this. I do have my hobbies.. dolls, miniatures, little things... I love to read and I love true crime.

I chose my avatar slogan 'Hiraeth' after learning it's a Welsh word that can mean longing for a place or time that either no longer exists or never existed. That is how I feel a lot of the time.
 
bughhn

bughhn

New Member
Joined
Sep 13, 2020
Messages
2
Hi! Im 23 yo woman. Usually I don't post on forums (silent reader hehe) but I'm feeling extremly lonely and anxious these days.
I've beeen thinking about commiting suicide since I was 5 (after my dads death). I never was very sociable or good at cummunication with people so I've never been close enough with someone to call them my friend. Everyone just considers me weird and hard to communicate( Also my mom is very abusive not physically but mentally. I dropped out of uni once but enrolled again. My first serious suicide attempt was at 18 (medicine poison), I felt numbness in my thro, I couldnt feel my tounge, I felt like I couldnt breathe anymore. But then I vomitted. The next attempt 7 months later. I even told my mom before that I wanna die, but she didnt care. Yet another unsuccessful attempt. I don't want to share details about this one but one man saved me and drove me home. My mom was so mad lol all she cared about was how embrassing it would be for her if i commited suicide. Since then I've been thinking about more reliable ways to kill myself. The difference is now I have two cats to care about and I'm not sure anyone would care about them if I die. I wil be so greatful if anyone would talk to me even if its just a gm/gn texts :)):)) Also sorry for my terrible english I'm not fluent.
 
P

PartlyHuman

Sorry for my English
Joined
Jan 10, 2021
Messages
25
Hi everyone, was registered at the forum for some time already but never posted. Forum being down scared me enough to start lol. I rarely post online usually, just lurk here and there.
20 yo female, live in one of post-soviet countries so my english might be a bit rusty. I am not officially diagnosed as official psychiatry in my country is horrible but tried private therapy I currently can't afford to continue and fairly sure I have Borderline personality (quiet type).
Love languages, other cultures, anime and procrastinating. Ask me if you need advice about self-harm and/or treating wounds.
 
Maow

Maow

New Member
Joined
Feb 1, 2021
Messages
3
Hi, 28yo dude here. Same as the post below me, i was afraid the forum was down.
I usally don't post, it kinda help me to see how people deals with their trouble. I had two severe depression and curently going through a third one for 5 mounths because I had the great idea to fall (or fail) again in love :/
I currently don't want to ctb rn because i don't want to harm my familly, so i just feel trapped.
I'm not sure if that will keep me from doing ctb forever tho... it's exhausting to stay in pain for so long.
Maow
PartlyHuman said:
Ask me if you need advice about self-harm and/or treating wounds.
I'm sorry to pollute this thread but the dm function is blocked for new people :|
What do you mean by advice ? Advice to do it or to avoid it ?
I really liked to cut myself but I don't want to have scars. I still have scars from the begening of my current depression and I wait for them to disapear. Still very tempting tho, because it was a good way to distract me from mental pain and being able to focus again.
 
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P

PartlyHuman

Sorry for my English
Joined
Jan 10, 2021
Messages
25
Maow said:
Hi, 28yo dude here. Same as the post below me, i was afraid the forum was down.
I usally don't post, it kinda help me to see how people deals with their trouble. I had two severe depression and curently going through a third one for 5 mounths because I had the great idea to fall (or fail) again in love :/
I currently don't want to ctb rn because i don't want to harm my familly, so i just feel trapped.
I'm not sure if that will keep me from doing ctb forever tho... it's exhausting to stay in pain for so long.
Maow

I'm sorry to pollute this thread but the dm function is blocked for new people :|
What do you mean by advice ? Advice to do it or to avoid it ?
I really liked to cut myself but I don't want to have scars. I still have scars from the begening of my current depression and I wait for them to disapear. Still very tempting tho, because it was a good way to distract me from mental pain and being able to focus again.
Same, it seems I can't pm for now. I meant advices about wounds care, not how to do it. Usually bio oil is adviced as a good way to help scars to fade, btw.
I wish you well with fighting your depression! Stay safe and be careful with self-harm, it's not really a good way to cope and it turns into addiction fast. It's easier not to get addicted, I think. Good luck and all the support for you :)
 
T

TwinBranch

New Member
Joined
Feb 2, 2021
Messages
3
Hello, 19 (almost 20) year old male here. I'm from the United States. I like trading cryptocurrency, lifting weights, playing soccer, learning about quantum mechanics and particle physics, and sci-fi stuff. I also like geopolitics.

I'm here because I was abused by my mom for six years and had no friends for six years (not even someone to talk to). I had no one from 6th grade to senior year of high school. I make friends online because I'm just so different from everyone else. The physical abuse was bad, but the emotional and psychological abuse I got from my mom was so much worse. When I was in the mental hospital a year ago and told people my life story, they were surprised that I am still sane and hadn't killed myself yet or went full on crazy. If that doesn't tell you how bad it was... I don't know how else to explain it. Weirdly enough, I got along with those people the best.

I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, bipolar, and schizophrenia. I refuse to take my medications because it makes me feel nothing. At least I feel some happiness when I'm off the pills.
 
nolongerhuman

nolongerhuman

Arcanist
Joined
Feb 9, 2021
Messages
438
22. I read, watch anime, listen to folk and J-pop music, and study STEM. I'm supposed to graduate soon. Whether I will ctb before that happens, I do not yet know. My mental illness has gotten to the point that if they were to hand me the piece of paper tomorrow I don't know if I would feel any happiness. I'm just mentally exhausted at this point.
 
F

Fera18

New Member
Joined
Feb 10, 2021
Messages
4
Hola tengo 21 años y odio casi todo en mi vida, para empezar mi papá no me deja estudiar lo que me gusta, viví muchas decepciones sobre todo de gente que pensé que nunca me dejaría, muchos malos amigos, estoy cansada de que lo que planeo nunca se cumpla, no tengo metas, no pienso en el futuro, excepto un futuro en el yo ya no este.
me gusta el agua sobre todo nadar es el único momento en que me siento libre
 
W

whywere

Enlightened
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
1,059
bughhn said:
Hi! Im 23 yo woman. Usually I don't post on forums (silent reader hehe) but I'm feeling extremly lonely and anxious these days.
I've beeen thinking about commiting suicide since I was 5 (after my dads death). I never was very sociable or good at cummunication with people so I've never been close enough with someone to call them my friend. Everyone just considers me weird and hard to communicate( Also my mom is very abusive not physically but mentally. I dropped out of uni once but enrolled again. My first serious suicide attempt was at 18 (medicine poison), I felt numbness in my thro, I couldnt feel my tounge, I felt like I couldnt breathe anymore. But then I vomitted. The next attempt 7 months later. I even told my mom before that I wanna die, but she didnt care. Yet another unsuccessful attempt. I don't want to share details about this one but one man saved me and drove me home. My mom was so mad lol all she cared about was how embrassing it would be for her if i commited suicide. Since then I've been thinking about more reliable ways to kill myself. The difference is now I have two cats to care about and I'm not sure anyone would care about them if I die. I wil be so greatful if anyone would talk to me even if its just a gm/gn texts :)):)) Also sorry for my terrible english I'm not fluent.
HELLO!!!! I have had 2 attempts myself and I have no friends or family, EXCEPT all the loving global family memebrs here!! Now you are a VERY caring and thoughtful person, just listen to how you wrote your post. I truly am so happy to be able to call you a global family member and I for real do think of you as part of my family. Sending you all my love, caring and kindness that I have. Feel free to leave me shout out and I will respond!! Walter :heart::hug:
 
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PeacefulStars

PeacefulStars

Like tears in rain
Joined
Feb 10, 2021
Messages
30
Hello,
I have been lurking for a while and decided to finally make an account here.
I’ve been depressed and had thoughts of suicide since I was 12; first medicated at 16.
I’ve had gastro intestinal issues and iron deficiency since 13 years old.
Parents have been in debt my entire life from their business turned in-home buisness. Every day is filled with stress, fighting, crying and anger. The first burst I remember I had to of been only 6 or so.
I have attempted to ctb once in the past and now having time alone is quite hard. I was unable to escape until three years after high school but now i’m back.
I moved back in months later with my parents because my mother developed leukemia. Quit my job with no savings to stay with her everyday in the hospital until she was okay. Mother verbally abusive.
Car broke down and now in debt with a new one.
Credit card debt from stress spending
Mother finally is okay but needs to rest, so I fill in her job in family business
Mom makes full recovery just in time for my father to start not feeling well.
He painfully dies from what ended up being a cancer as well in just mere months.
I’m stuck here in this house with verbal abuse all day with these memories of the only person that has ever cared for me, working in an incredibly stressful business that is crushing. I can’t leave what is left of the business because my family will become quickly destitute, I can’t do that to them. I made a pact with myself in my teenage years that I would ctb once both my parents have passed but it’s so hard to wait any longer. I’m in pain all the time with my intestines, this stress is overwhelming and there’s no way out of it. I will keep trying for now to hold on until I no longer can. I do feel however that might be approaching it quite soon, due to my mental breakdowns being more frequent than ever before. Multiple plans well thought out over the years, testing and failing. I have two sure proof plans to proceed but I still feel I must wait to not cause my mother more pain. If you got all the way down here thank you for reading, i’ve the only spoke once of this in my teenage years in person and it was quite the mistake.
 
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C

ConstantineXI

Member
Joined
Feb 12, 2021
Messages
10
I'm a guy in his early 30s in the US. More than that I'd rather not disclose.

I stumbled onto the forum a few weeks back, but I'll admit that I signed up in part due to the forum "going private".

A few years ago I was diagnosed with, in so many words, "chronic adjustment disorder" (an amusing diagnosis after a fashion when you think about it, but I don't think the DSM has something specific for "does not deal with change well"). It's generally been an aggravation more than anything...well, until the last year when the virus hit. Take diagnosed problems dealing with change and throw in a pandemic and...well, it has not gone so well, and that's with a relatively mild set of restrictions in my area for most of the last year. For example, it was never a criminal matter to visit friends (otherwise I probably would have had a full-on breakdown, which I ran up close on...more on that later). It did, however, break my regularly-scheduled therapy schedule (in two weeks their online therapy offering went from "well, sign up for this option just in case you want it" which I tentatively agreed [not wanting it; see adjustment disorder above] to "this is the only option" and I dropped as a patient as a result [again, see diagnosis]) and trash most of my in-person activities. Note that the harder side of a lot of this never got to the therapist not so much because I was covering up but because the therapy /did/ help somewhat and I was, frankly, doing better at the time (my self-evaluation scores hit an all-time high last February, actually).

I've been wrestling a bit with suicidal ideation over the last...basically, call it a year. I say "struggling"...previously it was an intermittent annoyance/something I would probably eventually get around to doing (I've used the term "long term suicidal" as a descriptor in the past), but in the last year it spiked, and spiked hard, twice (once in April/May [getting shoved into a forced two weeks of effective isolation out of the blue because a friend's mother had a virus-related freakout after I took a trip I conferred with them on combined with my older sibling going fairly non-communicative because their SO, now ex-SO, had too many issues to really deal with] and once back in January [the "will we have a civil war" sorts of histrionics all around]). In simple terms, it hasn't just been "I don't want to deal with X", it's also been "I'm not sure I want to be around to see the post-present world". I /am/ open to the possibility of ending up in a situation in some indefinite timeframe that enough of the things I enjoy just...aren't around anymore or are made to be too much of a hassle to be worth it that "sticking around to see what happens next" really loses its allure.

The frustrating thing is that I've been very fortunate in life in many respects and there are very strong reasons I'm still around (at this stage, mostly family)...it's just that between the mounting temperature in the world (figuratively, at least...the multiple, perpetual crises of the last year have been a real issue for me as indicated above) and everything else, it's become harder and harder to deal with things (especially as I've had friends on both sides of a lot of the fights turning up the heat further and further in general).

My sibling knows that I have what I'll call "quit conditions" (which we've discussed in some depth over the years, but the relevant one at present is that I'm very likely not going to bother trying to survive a civil war if it were to come to that). I'm largely on here because as things are going, I know I'm going to need a place to talk in the future where the person on the other end isn't going to section me and pack me off to the funny farm, and they might not be around. After the last year I don't know what the next stressor is going to be or where it's going to come from, but I consider it a reliable certainty that it'll be there given how the last year has gone.
 
W

whywere

Enlightened
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
1,059
ConstantineXI said:
I'm a guy in his early 30s in the US. More than that I'd rather not disclose.

I stumbled onto the forum a few weeks back, but I'll admit that I signed up in part due to the forum "going private".

A few years ago I was diagnosed with, in so many words, "chronic adjustment disorder" (an amusing diagnosis after a fashion when you think about it, but I don't think the DSM has something specific for "does not deal with change well"). It's generally been an aggravation more than anything...well, until the last year when the virus hit. Take diagnosed problems dealing with change and throw in a pandemic and...well, it has not gone so well, and that's with a relatively mild set of restrictions in my area for most of the last year. For example, it was never a criminal matter to visit friends (otherwise I probably would have had a full-on breakdown, which I ran up close on...more on that later). It did, however, break my regularly-scheduled therapy schedule (in two weeks their online therapy offering went from "well, sign up for this option just in case you want it" which I tentatively agreed [not wanting it; see adjustment disorder above] to "this is the only option" and I dropped as a patient as a result [again, see diagnosis]) and trash most of my in-person activities. Note that the harder side of a lot of this never got to the therapist not so much because I was covering up but because the therapy /did/ help somewhat and I was, frankly, doing better at the time (my self-evaluation scores hit an all-time high last February, actually).

I've been wrestling a bit with suicidal ideation over the last...basically, call it a year. I say "struggling"...previously it was an intermittent annoyance/something I would probably eventually get around to doing (I've used the term "long term suicidal" as a descriptor in the past), but in the last year it spiked, and spiked hard, twice (once in April/May [getting shoved into a forced two weeks of effective isolation out of the blue because a friend's mother had a virus-related freakout after I took a trip I conferred with them on combined with my older sibling going fairly non-communicative because their SO, now ex-SO, had too many issues to really deal with] and once back in January [the "will we have a civil war" sorts of histrionics all around]). In simple terms, it hasn't just been "I don't want to deal with X", it's also been "I'm not sure I want to be around to see the post-present world". I /am/ open to the possibility of ending up in a situation in some indefinite timeframe that enough of the things I enjoy just...aren't around anymore or are made to be too much of a hassle to be worth it that "sticking around to see what happens next" really loses its allure.

The frustrating thing is that I've been very fortunate in life in many respects and there are very strong reasons I'm still around (at this stage, mostly family)...it's just that between the mounting temperature in the world (figuratively, at least...the multiple, perpetual crises of the last year have been a real issue for me as indicated above) and everything else, it's become harder and harder to deal with things (especially as I've had friends on both sides of a lot of the fights turning up the heat further and further in general).

My sibling knows that I have what I'll call "quit conditions" (which we've discussed in some depth over the years, but the relevant one at present is that I'm very likely not going to bother trying to survive a civil war if it were to come to that). I'm largely on here because as things are going, I know I'm going to need a place to talk in the future where the person on the other end isn't going to section me and pack me off to the funny farm, and they might not be around. After the last year I don't know what the next stressor is going to be or where it's going to come from, but I consider it a reliable certainty that it'll be there given how the last year has gone.
WELCOME!!! Great to have you as a new global family member. I hope that you find, as I have, that all of the folks here are loving, caring with lots of empathy and kindness and support for one another. I am so happy to be able to call you family!!! Walter:heart::hug:
 
sufferingalways

sufferingalways

Avoiding flashing images, epilepsy.
Joined
Apr 26, 2020
Messages
505
Belaya Noch said:
Hello, my fellow citizen.
I read the whole post and I couldn't believe how traumatic your childhood must have been... One could think that stories like this happen only in films.
I'm sending my deepest sympathy.
I’m so sorry to hear that you also suffer trauma from evil parent. I have trauma too and it’s a bastard to try and cope with. Desperat my heart goes out to you xx hugs a million xx