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MMB

MMB

Every form of refuge has its price
Joined
Mar 14, 2021
Messages
51
Hi, I’m glad to find a community which understands.

On the surface I have no reason to be here. I function in society, run my own business, own my home. But inside I’m hollow. Like a tree that’s still standing, producing leaves and fruit but the core is rotten, dead.

Been on meds, which may or may not have helped. Been through therapy, which helped a lot. It helped me understand what’s wrong with my brain, where the rot started, how and why it’s made me who I am.

It’s also made me realise that there’s no recovery for me. I understand my depression. Theoretically that means I can work on overcoming it. In reality it means only that I know I’m not fixable.

This time last year I had the means. Scored 100g of SN. The therapist convinced me to throw it away. Big mistake. Still, nobody can ever accuse me of not giving my all to attempted recovery.

Now, my path is very clear to me. I’m planning to ctb not in a pit of helplessness and deep depression where it could be argued that I wasn’t thinking rationally, but because I AM thinking rationally. I’ve explored every avenue, made every effort and there’s only one conclusion.

Sorry for the essay.

PS, if it matters - early 50’s male, UK, happy to consider a ctb partner if our paths coincide.
 
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Nevn

Nevn

Member
Joined
Dec 23, 2020
Messages
11
Hello everyone.
Basically I'm in my early 30s, love cats, anime, drawing,creating characters, rpgs, and derping about. I also tend to collect odd hobbies. So I know a bit about plumbing, creating lava lamps, astrology, tarot, cooking, or just really random subjects. My briggs myer is supposedly ENFP but I tend to only be social in bursts. If anyone is into astrology my signs are: Leo (sun), Scorpio (moon), Virgo (rising) - with most other placements in Virgo.

100% positive I'm on the autism spectrum, I have C-PTSD, dissociative disorder not otherwise specified, OCD, and PMDD. I have actually and unfortunately been abused in every way imaginable... For pretty much the last 30 years of my life. Including being raped, parents either trying to kill me or get me to kill myself... constant mental, financial, emotional, and physical abuse. Was in an 11 year long abusive relationship that took my entire 20s away. If anything though, I guess it's made a pretty understanding person haha. ^^; There is very little at this point I haven't experienced. Which while unfortunate - at least it gives me a sense of understanding others. I've gone through intense therapy twice a week for two years straight in my mid 20s. Was forced hospitalized back in 2019. While I am trying to do my best to get better sometimes it's so incredibly hard. I am the emotional support pillar for everyone around me. Including those who have previously abused me. And unfortunately current situations don't make it easy for me to leave. Currently sticking around only to not hurt those I feel responsible for, and trying to find a reason and a will to live. I have a really hard time connecting to others. I care deeply people to the point of over empathy but have a very hard time letting my guard down enough to let myself get close.

I'm kind of easy to overwhelm at times so I have to go into quiet mode often. Have a ton of chronic health problems that cause a lot of pain. I've had them since I was a child and unfortunately didn't know till I was 18 people weren't hurting or sick everyday. I just thought I was a baby. Also have neurological issues from the physical abuse I suffered so I tend to be dizzy often or sometimes loose the ability to speak at times. It sucks because makes me really clumsy and hit my head a lot. Which obviously makes the neuro issues worse. I actually can't tell my right from my left... pretty much ever. So I totally apologize if my words ever get jumbled! In any case it's nice to meet you all. I've lurked this forum on and off for the last few years, but finally decided it was time to start posting! I hope anyone who reads this has at least a good day sometime in the future. c:
 
ondodera

ondodera

Member
Joined
Mar 17, 2018
Messages
16
Hello everyone, 25 male from the states. I don't know how long it's been since i've started to dream of CTB'ing but it's longer than I can count. When i'm not thinking of it, i'm attemping to distract myself with hobbies such as video games, anime, drawing, etc. Not that it works most of the time because depression decides to make even those things hard to enjoy sometimes. I was inactive on this acct for quite awhile but unfortunately it didn't mean I went through with it or was fortunate to die by a freak accident. Knowing of this place and still having it after all these years provides me with so much comfort, I can't begin to express how much it means to me. The choice of suicide is such a touchy subject when it really shouldn't be and i'm just glad others feel the same and can actually talk about it without shame. Nice to meet you guys, hope one day I can finally bite the bullet.
 
silver dots

silver dots

Member
Joined
Mar 20, 2021
Messages
22
26, from Oceania.

I have suffered extreme abuse throughout my lifetime, and I guess that's the main reason why I am here. I suffer from Depression and PTSD.

I don't see a silver lining in all of this suffering. I am still holding onto tiny glimmers of hope before I decide to CTB. Hence, my username.
 
gimme_my_happy_nap

gimme_my_happy_nap

Fresky
Joined
Mar 13, 2021
Messages
20
Heya,

I'm a 24-year-old female from Asia. I've been referring to guides here for a while and am grateful to have a place to discuss suicide openly and sincerely.

Growing up, I've always been lonely and emotionally intense without any particular reason. I'm not diagnosed with anything. I don't have friends and video games have been my escape. Playing MMORPGs all day kept me alive, but also got me dismissed from graduate school and back to my country where I no longer feel like I belong.

I started thinking about suicide as an escape from the anxiety and hopelessness, but overtime I realized that it's the rational thing to do. Yes, it's selfish. No, I'm not in unbearable emotional pain 24/7. Still, living is just not worth it for me. New experiences bring more pain than happiness, so it's rational to end things on my own terms when I'm still (relatively) young and in control.

I want to CTB before my 25th birthday. Hanging feels like my best bet since I live alone and it doesn't require anything fancy. Just need to experiment a bit more to get it right the first time.

Glad to meet you guys and may we all find peace one way or another soon.
 
sad

sad

birth is a curse and existence is a prison
Joined
Mar 20, 2021
Messages
25
Hello,

I'm a 20yo college student in the US. I've wanted to CTB basically my whole life. It's awful because I feel so guilty for it since there's literally nothing traumatic or horrible that's happened in my life. I've been a longtime lurker on this site and finally decided to make an account. Glad that this site exists to give solid facts and share thoughts that would otherwise get me locked up in the loony bin lol.

Currently my biggest obstacle to CTB is the guilt of leaving my family behind, SI, and the difficulty of obtaining meto :( I'm hoping to be able to accomplish it before the end of 2021 because I can't last much longer.
 
Umbreon

Umbreon

Weed Addict
Joined
Aug 20, 2020
Messages
95
Hi, I guess I’ve never formally introduced myself although I’ve been here about a half a year. I’m a 22 year old NEET in the USA that has (long story short) lost their will to live and missed out on what they wanted most in life and is focused on CTB through SN, Full Suspension, or firearms.

Really into Nintendo games and alternative rock music. Feel free to PM me if you’d like.
 
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SosoruzeDosukoi

SosoruzeDosukoi

Member
Joined
Mar 27, 2021
Messages
12
Hello.
Been lurking here for a while, decided to finally make an account. Lurking helped me both cope with my suicidal ideation as well as make a plan, so I figured why not make an account - everyone here seems nice. Been suicidal with the ideation getting worse and worse for about 10 years now.
Male in my early 30s from the US. I like gardening, sewing, fishing, and building things for my hobbies. Anime and video games (mostly milsim fps) as my pastimes. Feel free to PM if you'd like.
 
I

I_just_cba

Member
Joined
Mar 27, 2021
Messages
35
Hey everyone,

I'm 25, Male, from London. Been thinking of CTB for a while now, but it's definitely progressed a lot over the last couple of weeks and I'm almost certain of doing it within a few months.

I have a seemingly comfortable life - a well paid job, friends and people who care for me. My main issue is that I have a speech disorder (stutter) which is really hard to manage in my head. I think about it all the time, the words I wish I could say when I can't, what people think of me, etc. I really think it's affected my whole life, from never having a girlfriend to being seen as really quiet and weird. Every single day feels like hell and I just want it to end.

My hobbies include movies, going to football matches and listening to music (probably crying during)

Hoping to source some SN (heard it's impossible nowadays in the UK) but I have the backup option of a large jump from my balcony that I'm not particularly keen on

Nice to virtually meet you all, hope to get involved in some chats :)
 
GarbageFactory

GarbageFactory

Softboy™
Joined
Feb 10, 2021
Messages
11
Hello. I'm 19m. College student living with his parents. I've never been socially well adjusted. And for most of my life I have lived in the complete absence of real life friends. Being in a community college after 4 years of high school has shown me that hope is very bleak, and things will likely not improve. Obviously I have never been good with relationships, it does not help that I am very disgusting. (I would kill to be held right now)

I like to draw, and play Nintendo games. I particularly love pokemon and zelda. I used to be really into being outdoors and gardening, but I don't really have any time for those things anymore. As far as school goes I'm taking three classes per semester, at a pretty slow pace. I'm just hovering above failure. Definitely not going to any larger university, and I really don't see myself having my own place or ever being in a stable relationship or ever having real life people to do things with, so I'm really just done and waiting to go.
 
gothgal

gothgal

Member
Joined
Mar 29, 2021
Messages
5
Hey Guys

Greatful I managed to come accross this group, I hope it will be an posive exprience, and dealing with depression with people that understand, nice to meet you all.
gothgal said:
Hey Guys

Greatful I managed to come accross this group, I hope it will be an posive exprience, and dealing with depression with people that understand, nice to meet you all.
Hi Aqua

Thanks on the head's up, I was wondering about that.. apparently I cant send messages lol.

Thx
 
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DarkWolf

DarkWolf

Worthless Loser
Joined
Mar 29, 2021
Messages
223
Hi, i have returned after having left to ctb. Failed twice, was too weak to jump and too stupid to hang myself properly.
I'm 24 from UK I've been chronically suicidal since I was 12 and had my first thoughts at 8.
 
Mellowness

Mellowness

Member
Joined
Feb 22, 2021
Messages
19
Hi, I'm Mellowness, I'm from Belgium :)
Haven't really posted anything, been lurking a lot.
Got admitted to a psych ward few days after I created the account and got out like a week ago.
I like that you can just talk about almost everything and no one's gonna judge you or tell you that you need help, etc.
I don't really know what else to say lol
Anyway, it's nice to meet you all (:
 
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B

Black Sky

Member
Joined
Mar 25, 2021
Messages
18
Hello, after years of lurking here and similar places, on and off, I finally decided to join.

As the above suggests, the idea of freeing myself from this peculiar existence is in no way something new, in fact it's been lingering in my mind for about 15 years now. The main source for these thoughts is something they call social anxiety, which eventually led to major depression down the line. I also have some traits and struggles that have a lot in common with those on the autism spectrum, but never officially diagnosed.

Essentially, I've always had a very hard time talking to people and making connections. Words come to me with great difficulty and they rarely manage to express what I wish to say. A lot of the time though, I don't have all that much to say unfortunately. In a world where abundant and effective communication is indispensable in almost every aspect of life, a growing sense of paralyzing futility began to eat away at my motivation and hope. Nothing could dispel it. Any kind of prodding and poking at my "condition" felt like it only made it worse, that incudes therapy and medication.

This lead me to a 10 years long period of... self-isolation, as it was the only tolerable way of existing that I could see at the time. And to this day, I still can see no other way, besides... the inevitable bitter end. It's hard to even say this "out loud", it sounds quite surreal, but if there's one place I feel I can utter such unspeakable things and perhaps find a bit of understanding, it's here. So if you have read any of that, thank you... and may all of us find a peaceful way out of our suffering, in whatever form it may come.
 
purple꿈

purple꿈

空気のような
Joined
Mar 15, 2021
Messages
21
hi ( ꈍᴗꈍ)

I've been visiting this site for a few months now and have only decided to join recently. I'm a female, from Asia, I like purple and pink, fairly girly, pansexual, I watch anime sometimes, likes kpop, binge watches on netflix most of the time even if the shows are sht, and i love drawing and painting.

I've been struggling mentally and physically for a long time. I've always wanted to kill myself ever since I was 13 and perhaps my grandma dying recently made it worse. I also have a low self esteem and I always try to either starve myself or binge eat and vomit everything. my life has always been an unhappy cycle, and I badly wanna stop it.

anyways I'm starting therapy in a few months but I doubt it'd really help me with anything. I do hope it'll lessen my pain a bit and help me in dealing with stuff like my anxiety.

sorry for my bad grammar, english isn't my first language ^^
 
knion

knion

New Member
Joined
Dec 29, 2020
Messages
4
Hello! I’ve been meaning to post here for some time. I’m glad I’m finally getting around to it.
I apologise that this introduction is a bit long, I just really want to throw myself out there.
I hope I come across as a nice guy (I mean, I’d like to think I am one) and I don’t come across as some kind of weird robot haha.

I’m a male in my early 20s incase anyone wants to know, and I’ll be going by Knion on this website, even thought that may be obvious from my username. I am just coming to the end of my undergraduate degree; a joint honours in drama and philosophy... try and get more pretentious than that! Hopefully an insight into my studies may explain why this introduction seems more like an essay than a normal human interaction.
As well as this, I thought I may as well go a little bit fitter and say that philosophy in general is my passion, I live and breath it. I welcome any philosophical debate, discussion or conversation in all aspects of my life, and that applies here too.
My other interests include film, swimming/ water sports/ water in general and travel (I know that this doesn’t sound like many interests, but I just that this was getting a bit much now and it’s probably out of place, so I’ll probably stop that there)
I’ve been considering CTB for a good while now, but have just never gotten up the courage to do it. My main problem with life is that I was forced to be here and now I have no way of guaranteeing that my death will be painless, I’ll explain this further later on though.



Now, I guess it’s a good idea to... ‘start’ with as good a start as there can be; why I’m on this website in the first place (Besides this website seeming to harbour a warm and welcoming community that allows discussion and education on an extremely important subject).
To be honest, the reason is quite a simple and I’d assume, popular one, I just don’t particularly like the idea that I’ll be working for essentially the rest of my life in a job I’ll more than likely hate.
Not only this, I also can’t really see a future for myself in which I am living the life that I so desperately desire, short of winning the lottery or coming across a genie.
Even then, in a world in which I could potentially get anything I desire I don’t think I’d be satisfied. I’m particularly fond of Schopenhauer’s comparison of life to a pendulum, swinging between pain and boredom. Even if I were to always get what I wanted, I’m sure I’d eventually get bored, and want, painfully for something else. Humans just aren’t ‘meant’ to be happy or satisfied for prolonged periods of time.

This may seem like a strange or selfish reason to wish to die, but I’m not going to lie to myself and say that this is the only reason. I’ve had my fair share of embarrassment, suffering and unpleasant experiences in the past, if it isn’t too weird or egotistical to say so.
But, even with this being the case, I can’t really complain... I mean I can complain about it, but I just don’t think that I am entitled to any better or worse treatment or experiences than I get. I feel that no matter how we feel about it, we get dealt the hands we’re given, we can always wish for more, or better cards, but we are never entitled to them. That’s just the way it is in this bitch of a life.

Also, I just wanted to talk about the reasons why I haven’t caught the bus yet... or should I say reason. I have a massive fear of pain (and incase you’re curious, my other fears are frogs, balloons and unsolicited jump-scares).
Whilst, yes, I understand that a fear of pain goes without saying, I have to admit that I am not only scared, or afraid, but I am genuinely absolutely petrified of pain, and that’s in any amount.
To illustrate my point, just picture some dude walking through the shops with his sleeves pulled over his hands at all times just so he doesn’t get a static shock from the trolleys, or metal freezer handles.
I don’t want to seem like a hypochondriac, and I DEFINTELY do not wish to look like I’m seeking attention by being ‘quirky’ or weird, but I just thought it may be useful, and kinda funny to know this about me.

Finally, I just wanted to say, thanks for reading through this if you made it to the end, I know it’s a bit lengthy, so I really appreciate it.
I’m looking forward to, hopefully, being accepted into this community, it seems like such a great place.
I’m so happy to have the opportunity to be a member of a community that encourages conversation about such an important topic, and something most people wouldn’t dream of even allowing thoughts about.
 
LONE WOLF.

LONE WOLF.

PUNISHER.
Joined
Nov 4, 2020
Messages
766
Alexmac said:
So I'm here for many reason, my son took his.life 5 weeks ago and was last on this site, now I just want to join him the pain of loosing him is awful, I dont want to get up everyday
@Alexmac, I'm so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you, l send You a Hug and again so sorry for your loss x
 
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W

wreckedship

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2021
Messages
6
hi all

been lurking a little while

am just fed up with everything

feel super guilty/selfish. i just dont want to work, dont want to get out of bed, do anything. been struggling for years, had lots of drugs and therapy, always end up back suicidal.

have some SN on order. waiting for it to arrive. in Australia so its hard to get, there was only one seller i could find and there's no details... i guess ill try some test strips. a bit concerned it will just be in a bag. idk. hoping it arrives soon... cant get any antiemetics and stuff... hoping Nexium and mylanta is enough

idk what to say but did want to say hi. ill try and make a post once it arrives and stuff. idk.

just keep wishing i wont wake up
 
mossball

mossball

Member
Joined
Apr 6, 2021
Messages
35
Hello everyone, I'm a brazilian college student going 20.

I've been depressed since I was a pre-teen. I can't remember what living feels like without that burden. I try to imagine if I'd want to live if my mental illness went away, but I can't see myself enjoying life in this disgusting system.

I feel a bit relieved to be here and be able to chat with you. I've just been mistreated in a hospital (to be brief) and I guess many of you can relate to that too...
 
Dreams and Visions

Dreams and Visions

Member
Joined
Apr 17, 2021
Messages
15
Hi, I'm in my late twenties and live in the US.

I joined this site to be able to talk openly about my struggles with depression. My good friend was a user of this site and committed suicide last year. I understood what he was going through but seeing him like that was the most difficult thing I have ever had to experience in my life.

Because of that experience, and also a lot of the events in my life, it's hard for me not to feel the same way at times.

I believe that there needs to be a complete reform of the mental health (even though I'm not sure that's the right way to address it) system and how we approach community in the US. I don't think the solution is to push people to be "normal", in fact, I think that a lot of the way that people approach life is pretty dysfunctional -- so who is to say what is normal?

I cannot be open about suicide or my experience with it with people I would consider close to me, so I just don't really have an outlet. Some days are better than others.

I am happy to contribute here in any way that I can, whether it's just an ear or if you'd like to bounce off ideas.
 
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N

NeuroDamaged3

Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2021
Messages
14
I’m kinda bedbound because of psych med permanent side effects and ECT, they just kept pushing more toxic drugs and stuff onto me when the solution wasn’t any of them, they were the problem.

I have an account on here before but now it’s gone after long inactivity.... neurodamaged2.... I just wanna be able to post in the chat room cuz I have no family support, no one cares. But I’m not violent or anything, I just have insomnia and issues taking care of myself. I don’t do drugs or drink alcohol. But I’m all alone.
 
GoneForever

GoneForever

New Member
Joined
Mar 28, 2021
Messages
4
Hi everyone,it's my birthday today so i thought it was as good a time as any for my first post.

So i'm 22 now and 6 years a NEET shut-in. Also, Autism. I've tried 6 or so meds for crippling anxiety with only side effects to show for it, leaving my room hurts and living just feels kind of humiliating with no job,no friends and no purpose. I still hope though, i recently started learning how to code and draw so i could possibly make some money and miraculously turn my life around and just not be mentally ill anymore but yeah I'm just kidding myself.I also have an acoustic guitar i want to be able to play one day and enjoy anime,manga,retro games(PS2 and older) and frogs,they're pretty slick.

Now, if you'll excuse me, i have to finish this chocolate cake alone in this dark empty room.

I'm sorry.

Warmest Regards,
A useless "person"♡
 
WaterHemlock

WaterHemlock

It's ok to not be ok.
Joined
Dec 18, 2019
Messages
57
Happy birthday, @GoneForever! Welcome to the forum.
I'm trying to learn to play the guitar too. There's so many places online to learn, and I've found on Meetup, gatherings online where I met people who used to gather at a coffee shop before the pandemic. I've learned from them in a low stress environment without ever leaving my bedroom.
I wish I could learn to code. I think it's probably beyond me now.
But who knows, miracles happen every day.
 
lastingabyss

lastingabyss

Member
Joined
Apr 10, 2021
Messages
9
hey hi hello! first post here, but i've been a lurker for a short while. I'm 22 & from europe, coming up to 23 in a few months - i can't remember when i started to feel like the way i do currently, but it sure as hell has been for countless years. it's draining, and i want it to stop; but fear and the guilt of leaving people i care about behind has kept me on this planet for the time being. it's a pleasure to be here, so thank you :~)

also, happy belated birthday @GoneForever
 
MaggotBrain

MaggotBrain

breathing tumor cyst
Joined
Apr 14, 2021
Messages
2
Hello everyone,

I have been a lurker on this forum for quite some time now so decided I might aswel post an introduction.

I am a 23 year old guy from the UK, currently at university trying to get my degree sorted out but it's all meaningless in the end, I know where I am headed.

Losers like me hold no value to this world and in reality the world holds no value either, everything is meaningless and there is no God.

Fuck this giant tumor we call planet earth and fuck all the organisms within it, fuck the rotten necrosis hole you crawled from and the prolapsed anus you speak with.

Unfulfilled desires and empty promises, the only way I know is out.
 
stuff-is-way

stuff-is-way

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2021
Messages
9
hey there
just call me stuff. im a person almost done with undergrad who deals with a lot of different mental illnesses and chronic pain. i've been suicidal, actively or passively, for as long as i can remember and i was just looking for a place to talk without judgement and hopefully have some good conversations. nice to meet you all
 
W

whywere

Enlightened
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
1,059
HAPPY belated birthday @GoneForever!!!! I hope you had a wonderful time and chocolate cake no less..hummm!! Also..WELCOME to Sanctioned Suicide!! This IS the finest global family on Earth period. Everyone here is just so darn loving, caring with so much empathy, kindness and SUPPORT for one another that it is just awesome! Whatever path one takes in life rest assured that the global family is here to help! Again...WELCOME!!! Walter (yep real first name, 65 years young, gray hair and never phony) :happy::hug::heart::heart:
lastingabyss said:
hey hi hello! first post here, but i've been a lurker for a short while. I'm 22 & from europe, coming up to 23 in a few months - i can't remember when i started to feel like the way i do currently, but it sure as hell has been for countless years. it's draining, and i want it to stop; but fear and the guilt of leaving people i care about behind has kept me on this planet for the time being. it's a pleasure to be here, so thank you :~)

also, happy belated birthday @GoneForever
WELCOME to Sanctioned Suicide. WOW another great new global family member. The global family here is the greatest on Earth as everyone loves, cares and has so much kindness, empathy and SUPPORT for one another. I hope you find as I have that everyone here is so very supportive no matter where one is going in this life. Again...WELCOME new global family member!!!!!!!!! Walter ( yep real first name, 65 years young, gray hair and never phony):hug::hug::heart::heart:
 
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