Witness of the mind

Witness of the mind

Member
Jul 24, 2021
9
Howdy guys and gals! I'm 27 years old male from Poland. I do wonder if there're any active users here from my country btw, distance-wise the closest people I saw here are from Germany. I've been observing this forum from the shadows, on and off, for a better part of the year now.

I guess I'm kinda new to the whole suicide thoughts situation (or maybe not because recently I realized I did think about it back when I was a preteen/teenager and my biological father beat me and mentally abused me). Two years ago I attempted suicide or maybe it was cry for help I don't know for sure. The decision was rather impulsive after some hard sanity exhausting months and a dispute with my family. I drove to the woods at night, drink a lot of vodka in the hope to make it easier to hang myself. Sadly the attempt was a tremendous failure both because of SI and lack of proper preparation of the rope and in hindsight, there's no way the branch would ever support my weight (I'm not the brightest guy). Honestly, after I passed out from all the booze the cold from the winter was probably a bigger threat to my life than my pathetic attempt to take my own life.

Recently the idea of trying again has been invading my mind more frequently each day. Most of the time I'm in what you may call, I guess a passive suicidal ideation. Basically, I want to die but I don't really want to do anything about it. I guess my first goal with this site is to educate myself and find out how to gather resources so if I am ever in such a desperate state I can do it right, after all even if at the time of the deed my judgment might be clouded by emotions the preparation that will perhaps allow me to do it is a manifestation of my decision to ctb after a lot of thought and consideration already put into it. My other goal is, who knows, to maybe find myself and uncover what truly are my desires at this point and if they are as morbid as I think then find out what would be the best method for me. Perhaps in the progress of me being here, finding a kindred spirit to talk to wouldn't be so bad either.

A little bit about myself:
I don't want to get too political here but I guess certain convictions are a crucial part of my identity so I'll get them out of the way first. I would describe myself as a pretty left-wing person. I'm an atheist, a vegan, pro-choice, pro-LGBTQ, gender and race anti-realist, feminist, a bit on the fence on the guns but leaning towards pro-gun, pro-legalization of the hard drugs or at the very least decriminalization and against capital punishment. I could talk about morality and philosophy all day (feel free to PM). Speaking of philosophy I'm a moral subjectivist and a hard determinist.

I'm a gamer, a bit of a cringelord and an introverted guy and apparently if to believe a test I took I'm an INTP-T. I'm an underachiever with a minimal-pay dead-end job, no luck in a romantic life either. Not a lot of friends if any at all at this point, It's not like I have a problem finding friends It's just I have a hard time maintaining the friendship, I don't know if I'm lazy or what but I have a habit of not reaching out and distancing people from myself, not with my attitude but I don't know if I'm some kind of a psychopath that gets tired of people even if I'm fond of them or what. I also love taking night joy rides around the city in the summers, it clears my mind. I adore anything from Beach House, synthwave music, "cigarretes after sex" band but mostly after heavy drinking, sometimes something with harder bass and the popular old jams such as Abba, Queens, etc.

I hope not to step on anybody's toes and I'm looking forward to meeting you all!
 
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fullofregrets

Member
Jul 25, 2021
14
Hello all, what's up. I am in my early 20's. I have had bad social anxiety and depression for around 8 years now from being bullied in childhood. Life was bad but bearable until I developed severe cystic acne 4 years ago which destroyed my face and left it with deep permanent scars all over. Everyday is a nightmare for me having to hide from people ,feeling disgusting and utter lack of social skills. I can't go out without anxiety and panic. I have been wanting to die for 2 years now but I had that silly inner hope (maybe survival instinct) that things might get better. But it seems to be getting worse day by day and seeing rationally, I'm starting to wonder if it's really worth it. I'm a shell of who I used to be. Also, I regret most of the decisions I took in my life and the missed oppurtunities due to anxiety. I lurked here for a while before joining and this community is the reason I am able to get through my days without feeling like an outcast for having rational thoughts on life which normal people can't seem to understand a bit. I'm thankful that a pro choice community like this exists and for the people who make up this forum. Thanks for reading.
 
AtMostOkay

AtMostOkay

Screw your courage to the sticking place.
Jun 29, 2021
710
Hello all, what's up. I am in my early 20's. I have had bad social anxiety and depression for around 8 years now from being bullied in childhood. Life was bad but bearable until I developed severe cystic acne 4 years ago which destroyed my face and left it with deep permanent scars all over. Everyday is a nightmare for me having to hide from people ,feeling disgusting and utter lack of social skills. I can't go out without anxiety and panic. I have been wanting to die for 2 years now but I had that silly inner hope (maybe survival instinct) that things might get better. But it seems to be getting worse day by day and seeing rationally, I'm starting to wonder if it's really worth it. I'm a shell of who I used to be. Also, I regret most of the decisions I took in my life and the missed oppurtunities due to anxiety. I lurked here for a while before joining and this community is the reason I am able to get through my days without feeling like an outcast for having rational thoughts on life which normal people can't seem to understand a bit. I'm thankful that a pro choice community like this exists and for the people who make up this forum. Thanks for reading.
I'm new here too. Welcome.
 
D

DontMindMe187

Member
Jul 17, 2021
21
Hey everyone

I'm from Hungary but live in London. I was raised by my grandparents. Mum passed away when I was 7 and I never knew my dad. I'm an introvert, shy and I've always felt like an outsider.

My anxiety and intrusive thoughts made me ruin my relationship with the best girl I've known and I realized I'll never be happy on my own or with anyone ever.

Now I'm depressed, hopeless and just feeling trapped with all the bad stuff in my head so I'd like to end it before I start my new job on the 16th of August.
 
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whywere

Enlightened
Jun 26, 2020
1,461
Hey everyone

I'm from Hungary but live in London. I was raised by my grandparents. Mum passed away when I was 7 and I never knew my dad. I'm an introvert, shy and I've always felt like an outsider.

My anxiety and intrusive thoughts made me ruin my relationship with the best girl I've known and I realized I'll never be happy on my own or with anyone ever.

Now I'm depressed, hopeless and just feeling trapped with all the bad stuff in my head so I'd like to end it before I start my new job on the 16th of August.
HI!!! and WELCOME to Sanctioned Suicide! It is great having you here with everyone! All the folks here are just the most caring and loving that one could hope of ever finding

Again, WELCOME and have a great weekend and up coming week.

Walter
 
Shrek

Shrek

It's all ogre
Jul 10, 2021
13
Heyo
I have been lurking here for a few days.
A bit about me
M, 23, closet semibisexual (like normal bisexual, but only half)

Asbergers, depression, anxiety Grew up with a narsissist father, and psycotic mother. Had sex/was sexually assulted by my cousin as a kid. Made me very insecure.
Have difficulty making frens, and with crowds. Good with women strangely.

Really don't like to whine about everything wrong with me, but it is the reason i have come here.
Tried to CTB 3 years ago. Almost succeeded. Was locked up in the nest for 3 days.

Now I am just graduating while working in a science institution.
Generally have every opportunity in life. rich, white, good looking, skilled, smart, physically healthy.

And yet, i am consumed by black nihilism.
I read philosophy. Chioran, Wittgenstein and Schopenhauer are favorites.

I have too many dreams and, i am a perfectionist. Loneliness, stubborness, lazyness and insecurity/ anxiety prevents me from living a full life. And i am not organized enough to break through them.

Depression is not looking to become better, and it appears the global outlook is not too bright. So i want to go back to nature, let the animals get a good meal. I do not need to Be.

But good to be here. Pretty cool site.
 
O

Ozzyos

Member
Aug 1, 2021
11
Hi everyone,

I am a 34 year-old male from northern Europe. I had a tough time in school and growing up, being super late into puberty and never having a lot of friends and 0 romantic interactions. During that time I had regular suicidal thoughts but was never actually close to making a serious attempt. Things picked up for me afterwards and on the surface I have had a fairly eventful and successful life with lots of traveling, a good education and a well-paid job. I have however always battled with a feeling of emptiness and that I never really fit in; suicidal thought have been on and off however never really concrete. I've had short term sexual encounters with a large amount of women, but never been in a real relationship. Then I started dating the girl of my dreams but was not able to connect, she had feelings for me but felt pushed away by my lack of emotion and inability to bond. She moved to a different country. This completely killed me. I feel damaged and that I have blown so many chances at finding love/happiness due to insecurities going way back and I don't see how I will get over this regret. I have struggled for the last ~3 months with anxiety attacks and depression that have kept me from functioning in professional and social environments. The suicidal thoughts have gotten a lot more concrete and I found my way here. Let's see how this ends.
 
N

NewYorkGarbage

New Member
Aug 3, 2021
3
hi, im nick. im from NY. just depressed and suicidal. have been for about 16 years. nothing really to look forward to in life. have friends and family, but i've always been the black sheep of it all. just who i am as a person. just want to die. nothing really gives me pleasure except weed or sex. and im losing interest in both. don't know why im here, just to be around like-minded people i guess.
 
A

anony

Member
Aug 3, 2021
6
Hi.
I've posted in one thread before this but I thought I may as well introduce myself.
22 yr old guy.
I was bullied almost endlessly in school for being overweight and ugly, as a result skipped a lot of education, just kinda fell through the cracks of the world completely before I even knew it.
ironically I think I'm actually much healthier in terms of my body as I lost a lot of weight and exercise frequently now and don't really think I'm ugly anymore, even though I feel like the damage is done and I am just a broken shell doomed to nothing but loneliness and pain.
I over-worry about every little thing, have never had any friends or partners, never even really been invited out my whole life, I'm still only alive for my moms sake and because I'm scared of the pain, but everyday I look at her and see her getting older and I can't bare the thought of having to bury her and being left completely alone one day, it makes me so sick I end up retching when my mind gets trapped on those thoughts.
I love her so much but at the same time I feel completely guilty that she loves me so much, I really don't know why she does, all i've done is let her down my entire life.
Sorry, didn't mean to type for so long. Thank you for having this community available to let me speak to others about these feelings.
 
Hyacinthoides

Hyacinthoides

New Member
Jul 31, 2021
3
Hello everyone!

Does anyone know how to start a new threat? (If that is possible)

I am not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I am new here and would be grateful for help
 
A

anony

Member
Aug 3, 2021
6
Hello everyone!

Does anyone know how to start a new threat? (If that is possible)

I am not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I am new here and would be grateful for help
You need to post a few messages and wait for 24 hours before you get that option I believe
 
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Reactions: patheticpartner
Feuilles_Mortes

Feuilles_Mortes

Floating in circles ~
Aug 8, 2021
59
Hello, I am a 34 years old woman. I live in France.
I have an illness that makes me live in constant physical and mental pain (fibromyalgie).
Also I have had an awful life full of violence and sadness. I feel like I am not going to be able to live this damn whole thing.
 
V

ven

Member
Aug 11, 2021
63
Hello.

Lurking for a couple years and never engaged with SS, but I'm closing in on 20 years of suicidal ideation. When my life was on a positive track, the thoughts fell to the background. They bubbled up from time-to-time and have progressed back to a near constant state again. Figured it was time to join a space with an open-minded approach to discussing the taboo.

Although I have most everything lined up to CTB, there are still sort of obligations that keep me here. The obligations are beginning to fade and blur into less meaningful relationships, so I'm about at that proverbial fork in road. Either I manage to find a path incentivizing me to continue trudging through life, or I don't. I obviously haven't figured it by now. My opportunities and luck decrease as time passes, so it's not looking too bright to say the least.
 
C

clown_17

Recovery is a myth for me, time is of the essence
Oct 24, 2020
128
I might’ve already introduced myself, I’m not sure. I’ve had issues throughout my whole life. Mental health conditions from day one. With those going unnoticed of course I’d struggle to function normally. It was only middle school where things got worse for me. First attempt when I was 13 I think. Hospitalized at 15. Had to drop out of high school. Not a lot to say about me. I’m 18 now but nothings better. I used to struggle with depression when I was younger but eventually i just shut down. Went permanently numb. I can’t think well anymore and I feel slowed down. It’s like my brain shut down to protect me, but i still want to ctb. I’m mostly a self harmer but I come to this site sometimes. I’m treatment resistant and the mental health system has failed me. The second they realized they couldn’t treat me they just stopped trying. No one even listens in my appointments and they discharged me because the meds weren’t working in hospital. And the case worker is always on vacation. Not sure what else to say. When things were good I used to like science. That’s it.
 
J

juraviel

PL
Aug 11, 2021
245
hello, i'm new here. 30y/o male from Poland.

i don't know how to access the search function on the forums, can somebody explain where to find it? maybe it will be available after i send this post.

any polish people planning on ctb please message me even if you read this months from now as i dont have immediate plans.

cheers
 
NearlyIrrelevantCake

NearlyIrrelevantCake

The Cake Is A Lie
Aug 12, 2021
296
I'm 32M from Canada. Call me Cake.

I've been struggling with suicide attempts for almost 20 years. I've lost count, but it's dozens and dozens of tries. I get found or survive with injuries/illness. The psych ward here are dumbasses and fall for lies and end up releasing me pretty quickly. For the last ~17 years, I've been on various meds and in and out of shitty therapy.

I have few friends. My family are all dead. I'm on disability and unable to work or go to school. I only have a high school education and I'm the first/only person in my family to even go that far in schooling.
 
SleepDealer

SleepDealer

Your Imaginary Friend
Aug 13, 2021
138
Hey, I've already posted a bit so might as well introduce myself. I'm 24 and ftm but not transitioning. You can call me a girl if you want, I don't care.
I survived an attempt recently so I'm here to figure out what the hell to do next. I've run out of energy to feel much of anything anymore. I go through most days completely numb, just looking for some distractions and something to do with my free time besides sleep. I'm open to just about anything and everything lately. I'd be happy to pass time with someone, even if it's just listening to them vent.
 
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WillSterben

Give me liberty or Give Me Death
Jul 6, 2021
18
I'm Alex, 33, from Germany. Life has played pretty hard on me, I don't have anything left. No job, no relationship, no friends, no family. Will go out soon using N. Just searching for maybe someone to take it with. I speak English, aber ich spreche natürlich auch Deutsch ;)
 
leaf4

leaf4

empty inside
Oct 24, 2020
18
hello there, i have bipolar disorder, multiple anxiety disorders and a stress disorder. ive been in therapy for over 12 years with no real progress and my life got continuously shittier. i cant work, i can barely leave my apartment, cant make friends and i almost completly distanced myself from my family. my life consists of wasting time on my pc until i go to bed just to repeat the next day.
ive been lurking for over a year now in search for the optimal method for me, but i havent found it yet. the last thing i tried was shallow water blackout; i practiced hyperventilating for about a week before i managed to pass out, but when it came to actually ctbing i tried for over an hour to pass out in my bath tub without success. my new plan is partial hanging, but i cant start practicing until the weekend because i have an appointment on thursday where i cant show up with bruises on my neck.

i feel like you can never be really honest about suicide when you are dealing with people who aren't in the same situation. how is my pro-life therapist supposed to understand how i feel when i want to take my life? no amount of research will ever teach him how it really feels when all hope is lost. how should i chat about it with people that are afraid of losing me and may take rash steps to intervene? SS helped me tremendously with dealing with depression. i never felt so understood in my life.
anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this, and thank you to all of you.
 
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MeltedJello

MeltedJello

My brain is a liquid mess.
Aug 18, 2021
1,400
Hello, I’ve visited this site many times as a guest now and realized how much I was missing out on the discussion. Reading other’s posts over the years have really brought me some relief from my suicidal thoughts at times and has given me a feeling of belonging especially when reading about those who suffer similarly to me. I hope that with my messages or posts, I can give the same relief and comfort that this community has given me.

About myself:
I’m a 20 year old male embarrassment who has lost hope in changing my life around. I’m aware that I’m young, however that won’t change how I truly feel about my life and that is to end it. I refuse to seek professional help as it is very pointless since my only goal is death. Even if get better, I would eventually come back here over and over and to suffer from the same suicidal thoughts eventually. I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety for about 2 years ever since graduating high school in 2018 but this year I’ve been more suicidal without feeling depressed like before. I still have really bad anxiety and just feel more numb or empty I guess too.
I’ve been a NEET living with my parents for 3 years now and can only see myself continuing this way until I can overcome the stupid survival instinct. I hate being a burden to my parents so I am ready to die. I just gotta find the best opportunity to do so. My methods are locked to partial and full hanging.

With that out the way, I hope I can find some people similar to me here and develop some kind happiness and confidence before my time ends. Also, thank you so much to the creators, mods, and friendly members of this site because If I have never found this site, I would be suffering even worse mentally and alone.
 
J

J dreaming of an end

Member
May 30, 2021
8
Hi I signed up a while ago but this is my first time being active like many of you I want to die for various reasons I'm male gay I like horror movies because I like stories where there's rarely ever a happy ending it seems more realistic to me I also like plants and learning about medicinal and toxic plants I occasionally get these bursts of hope and feel like I want to do something meaningful but then I remember I'm empty inside idk maybe I'll either find that meaningful something to do here or I'll resolve to meet my end for now I'm here cause misery loves company
 
author

author

they/them
Jul 13, 2021
36
Hello. I signed up a while ago and wasn't sure how long it would take to be approved. I'm here now though.
I have a lot of reasons I want to die but I haven't had the courage. I very recently made it to my 20s but the longer I'm around the less reasons I have to stay that way. I've tried therapy, but there's such a large amount of trauma that continues to happen to me that I don't think I can ever be stable. Every time I hope for something, no matter how small, things go wrong in disproportionately horrible ways.

You can call me Xiao or just X for now. I might change it later. I'm not a boy or a girl, so I use they/them. I've been agoraphobic for about 8 or 10 years, and I recently made it to my 20s. I had to drop out of college before quarantine was a thing at all due to my physical disability and mental illnesses. I've been unable to find work or schooling since then due to that same disability, but I haven't been able to get SSI, so I'm pretty much a NEET stuck in my abusive family home. I've been depressed for many years and I'm growing tired of fighting.
I hope I can at least have some form of happiness or catharsis with the people here.
 
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Alwaysbadtime

Alwaysbadtime

Enlightened
Jun 28, 2021
1,178
Hi I signed up a while ago but this is my first time being active like many of you I want to die for various reasons I'm male gay I like horror movies because I like stories where there's rarely ever a happy ending it seems more realistic to me I also like plants and learning about medicinal and toxic plants I occasionally get these bursts of hope and feel like I want to do something meaningful but then I remember I'm empty inside idk maybe I'll either find that meaningful something to do here or I'll resolve to meet my end for now I'm here cause misery loves company
Seen any new horror movies I could try to watch? I used to like scary movies...
Hey everyone

I'm from Hungary but live in London. I was raised by my grandparents. Mum passed away when I was 7 and I never knew my dad. I'm an introvert, shy and I've always felt like an outsider.

My anxiety and intrusive thoughts made me ruin my relationship with the best girl I've known and I realized I'll never be happy on my own or with anyone ever.

Now I'm depressed, hopeless and just feeling trapped with all the bad stuff in my head so I'd like to end it before I start my new job on the 16th of August.
Did you start your new job? I'm sorry to hear you're struggling.
 
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EndersGame

New Member
Mar 2, 2021
1
Hello everyone. I'm 35 years old male who lives his dad and down syndrome brother currently (USA). My mom passed away from cancer in October of last year (Oct 2020). I'm currently entering my second year as an MBA student. I also just started a new job a few weeks ago but the pay is not great nor do I like the gig. I was born deaf and have been wearing hearing aids since I could remember. Despite that, I have had a hard time in life and grew up an angry, angsty person.

I tried suicide twice in my early twenties but failed. Now I'm 35, I passively think about suicide often, mostly because of the circumstances and me being tired of life. As far back as I can remember, with me being angry, I just always felt like I never wanted to be here. My mom had a it tough growing up, raising all three sons with certain degrees of disability.

I just tire of life and wish the right to euthanasia would be a realization but it will never be. I remember about 10 to 15 years ago that there was a website called Shroomery that had the biggest thread on suicide methods. I just did a quick google search for it and found it and got a whiff of nostalgia of me looking at those threads (I never participated) There wasn't much on the web at the time but the dark web would have that if you went searching for it.

Anyway, I just feel like at some point, I really need to do the deed. Back when I tried to CTB in my early 20s, some of my decision making in that process then was both irrational and rational. Now that I am much older, it is more rational, as I am more calmer. I still have not made it in life in terms of being comfortable and confident in myself in my place in the cosmos, especially in society or within the family or within myself.
 
A

agressive_thought

Member
Aug 25, 2021
5
Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!
Hi, I'm in a bad state and I self distruct. I fucked my life up by avoiding pretty much everything out of fear. I can't live like this anymore. I hope I can change myself and not CBT because that's all I'm thinking about.
 
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fiona apple juice

Member
Aug 24, 2021
24
Hi, I found this website back around early April 2020 and lurked around as a guest until I decided I wanted to join finally. You can call me Layla. I use she/her pronouns.
I feel like being here will help me cope just for a bit until I finally decide to CTB. I suffer with Major Depressive Disorder (severe recurrent episodes without psychosis), Unspecified Anxiety Disorder, Unspecified Eating Disorder, and Borderline Personality Traits (it was formally DMDD)
The people on here seem nice so I feel like joining now would be a good time for me to do so because I plan to CTB around March 2022 :)
 
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J dreaming of an end

Member
May 30, 2021
8
Seen any new horror movies I could try to watch? I used to like scary movies...
Most recently I've been watching horror comedies; like Bad Hair which was pretty good in my opinion, or also that Vince Vaughn Freaky Friday meets Friday the 13th mashup that was a total mess. There was also the adaptation of an R.L. Stein book series into a horror movie trilogy for Netflix, I expected it to be horrible, kid grade, disney channel Halloween special quality, but it was actually pretty decently not family friendly which was a nice surprise.
 

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