- Aug 30, 2021
Hello, I'm a 27 year old guy that has been dealing with mental health problems since about 12 - 13 years old. Life was pretty good for me when I was a kid but as I became a teenager it started going off the rails because I developed mental health problems which unfortunately also runs in the family. Depression and anxiety which just became worse and worse and high school sucked for me, was in class with some really obnoxious people. The anxiety is worst of all, it sometimes makes my head feel real heavy and makes me feel paralyzed and feel on the verge of a mental breakdown or panic attack. Mental health problems are real wrecking balls that will fuck up your entire life. Because of this, I spent my youth just rotting away. So here I am, a big loner, almost friendless and most of my old friends have just become acquaintances really, much of it due to me being more and more reclusive and insecure. I'm not a functional human being, I just barely get by, I don't really have a social life, no relationship. Because I also became more and more afraid to open up and like to keep people at a distance. I have also been in therapy, group therapy and 1 on 1 with a psychologist, but it didn't help much and just cost money. Now and then I find relief by just getting really drunk and listening to mostly classic rock, cranking up the music volume after every drink, these are basically the only times I feel relieved and relaxed and even euphoric. I think it keeps me sane, otherwise, I would have no relief at all. I try not to do that to much because I do most of my drinking alone and people who often drink alone tend to be substantially more likely to eventually become alcoholic than those who do not drink alone, that and also because you feel like shit the next day. Im just so tired of it all and would love this life to end, to just forget about everything as if it never happened and just not be. That's going to happen one day anyway but I don't want to wait till old age and I now just know that my death will be a suicide, when and where I don't know but I do know that this will be the ending.