Shadowplay

Shadowplay

Average life non-enjoyer
Sep 11, 2021
746
Male, 38 from Melbourne, Australia. I've wanted to CTB pretty much as long as I can remember. I saw an amazing psychoanalyst in 2009-10 and I thought I was gunna be ok, but I slid back. I'm immune to so much, but I just want it to be ok. Sick and tired of being sick and tired (to steal a phrase). Nothing in this world appeals to me more than oblivion does. It is not that I think the world would be bettr off without me, but rather that I would be better off without the world. Happy to speak to other Australians.
 
D

dorothea

New Member
Oct 2, 2021
1
Hi. I'm 26, female, living in Europe. I have BPD so yeah life sucks. Have been seeing psychiatrists and therapists for ~4 years and it hasn't gotten any better. I feel like the only thing that would make me happy is being in a relationship, which is exactly why I shouldn't be in one. I'm tired of the mood swings, the emptiness, the loneliness and the guilt.
 
H

HYMMYH

Member
Sep 18, 2021
22
Oi, tô em uma fase ruim que não tem fim, espero encontrar alguém para conversar
Venho pensando no ctb com Sn mas ainda não posso fazer isso sem programar melhor
Procuro com quem conversar sobre
Encontrar Ss foi como mergulhar em um mar de informações
 
lonelyrealist

lonelyrealist

New Member
Oct 2, 2021
1
Hello. I'm almost 29, F. I can remember feeling sad as young as like 3rd grade and having thoughts of "I wish I were dead, I wish I wasn't born". I never had many friends growing up, I was always shy and reserved. Although I wasn't bullied to the extent some kids are, I was bullied at times. Being shy and quiet, I was an easy target. I've never had much of a family. Although I technically did have two siblings, they moved out of the house when I was about 5. My mother had undiagnosed schizophrenia, and it fucked me up in a lot of ways. I've never been able to feel like I belong anywhere, I've always felt like an outsider and have always just stuck to myself for the most part. Although I've had 2 or 3 close friendships, they are just distant memories now.

No one really knows me. I'm almost 30 years old- I can't just go out and make friends now. I work a job I absolutely hate-A job I've been at for 10 years. Despite having gone to college, I have no real skills so I'm stuck in retail. I have too much anxiety to take on a real job and I simply don't have the people skills.

I've isolated myself and lost out on my window of opportunity to meet people and socialize. It's just weird to not have any friends at this age. People this age are starting to settle down and get married. I wish I could just be like them. If I could just be fucking normal. I can't imagine someone wanting to date someone like me. I've also never had a romantic relationship. Never been on a date.
I'm lonely. I'm touch deprived and love deprived. Sometimes the loneliness literally hurts. I can feel the pain radiate from my chest down into my arms.. I can't imagine living another 10 years like this.
 
NotStrongEnough

NotStrongEnough

Nihilist extraordinaire
Oct 3, 2021
39
Hi there.. I'm 42 yr old gay dude. I've been depressed, unhappy and wanted to CTB almost my entire life. I can't bring myself to do it. Otherwise I'm shockingly "happy". Or at least, most people can't tell that I have constant suicidal thoughts. I"m good at hiding the deep shit.
Anyway, hi!
 
Kubi

Kubi

New Member
May 29, 2021
2
Hi, I am a 53-year old woman. (today, it's my birthday!) Mainly I just let life slide me by. I have a son who is an adult but who demands that I stay alive. So I just wait. I am not sure exactly how I will die, but my main thought has always been to take lots of benzos and swim out into the ocean. It mainly works in my mind during the summer though, so during the winters are harder. Where I live, in Sweden, you can't get hold of a gun. It's the only thing I see about usa that I'd like! A gun in my hand though, would had made my life extremely shorter. But still. Got that son of mine. He is a wonderful human being, he is free of the problems I have and have had in my life. I adore and love him, so yeah, I'll live for as long as I can. But I dont' think it will be many more birthdays for me. I just don't love life. I wish I had an idea of an afterlife, but sadly, no such luck. I can't even imagine an afterlife! Anyways, see you around!
 
Death is your gift

Death is your gift

Member
Oct 7, 2021
36
Hi, I'm a 32 yo guy from France.

I have been having depression and suicidal thoughts since high school. For a long time I was able to "handle it" and did not talk about it to anyone, and this is probably what fucked me up in the end... Because of a major crisis almost 10 years ago my family and friends discovered the truth about what I really feel, and I understood that I was very good at acting all these years.

I have been seeing many therapists since, some of them helped me, truly, some of them did not. I am no longer the person that I was 10 years ago and I had some good times since then. But in the end my mind still is the darkest places... I hate myself for such a long time, and same goes for suicide obsession. So this becomes really exhausting sometimes, as many of you know I am sure...

It is good to find a place here where suicide can be discussed openly without the taboo that exists about it in society.
 
52shriek

52shriek

Student
Nov 6, 2018
112
Hi everyone, or should I say hi again. I've been on here on and off for a few years, and I'm in for round 89 of my severe depression - or so it feels. This s*it really doesn't get better for long for some of us, so I might as well refresh my CTB plans while I still can...
 
W

Wanderer

New Member
Jun 15, 2021
3
Hi, I'm sorta new here, been lurking for quite some time. I'm AFAB, in my early 20's and struggle primarily with ADHD, depression, dysthymia and anorexia. My pronouns are they/them or he/him. My native language is not english btw, so sorry in advance for the broken speech.

I decided to join because I realized I couldn't take living like this anymore. I don't know if I'll finally ctb or not, but hopefully being active here will at least give me a sense of clarity.
 
A

AnxiousAngel21

Member
Oct 13, 2021
11
Hi everyone. So a quick introduction...I am 37, f, from the UK, and a total fuckup. I have anxiety off the scale, borderline agoraphobic because of panic attacks, depression from the trouble the anxiety gives me, insomnia from the anxiety and depression, and I self medicate with alcohol and sleeping pills even though I know they are screwing with me. I spend my days doing nothing, and my nights are spent resisting the urge to bounce my head off the wall to stop the thinking. I am not currently actively suicidal, as in making plans, but I have failed attempts in past, aswell as self harm and the thoughts are never far from my mind. It's nice to be amongst people where the word suicide is allowed without people assuming you are going batshit crazy...
 
AtMostOkay

AtMostOkay

Screw your courage to the sticking place.
Jun 29, 2021
710
Hi everyone. So a quick introduction...I am 37, f, from the UK, and a total fuckup. I have anxiety off the scale, borderline agoraphobic because of panic attacks, depression from the trouble the anxiety gives me, insomnia from the anxiety and depression, and I self medicate with alcohol and sleeping pills even though I know they are screwing with me. I spend my days doing nothing, and my nights are spent resisting the urge to bounce my head off the wall to stop the thinking. I am not currently actively suicidal, as in making plans, but I have failed attempts in past, aswell as self harm and the thoughts are never far from my mind. It's nice to be amongst people where the word suicide is allowed without people assuming you are going batshit crazy...
Come In The Good Place GIF by Global TV
 
motyxia

motyxia

less than him
Oct 14, 2021
168
Hi, I'm 19, male, & have wanted to die for years. My best friend killed himself 2 years ago & I've attempted as well, have been put into the psych ward multiple times. I missed a lot of school because of it, & that + other things mean I'm not that smart. I don't want to share diagnoses right now. My last hospitalization was in October 2019. Some things got better, I live in a safe place, & I'm not using drugs as much. I should be thankful but I'm not, beyond those things it didn't get better, it got worse. Now I take care of a bunny who'll live for ~5 more years. It feels really bad to want to die but unable to because you'd hurt someone you love that depends on you. I regret adopting her and sometimes wish she'd die earlier than she should, so I can die, too. Thinking that makes me feel even worse, I feel guilty. I love her the most but I'm honestly selfish. 5 years feels like a really long time when I don't want to live to December. I have 1 (online) friend and he doesn't understand and I don't want to bother him. I feel really lonely. I'm trying to not make any plans now, just see if I can relate to the people here & feel less lonely before I'm at peace. I wish whoever is reading this has a nice day/night, & thank you for reading :heart:
 
Yogobro298

Yogobro298

Member
Oct 13, 2021
26
Hi, I'm a male 26 living in the U.S. I've had some pretty bad depression ever since COVID hit. Also it's very likely I have a mild case of schizophrenia but have refrain from telling anyone about it. And about a year ago now I made a horrible decision which cost me nearly all of my life savings. I ended up dropping out of school due to not be able to pay. I had so many things planned for this year and life was going really well until that happened. Now I still live with my mom no car, no friends, no real relationships and pretty bad anxiety. I feel absolutely worthless most people my age have at least some degree of success at this point or some value. However I have made attempts to pull myself out of this hell hole but everything that I've tried has been unsuccessful. If I'm being completely honest I don't enjoy my mothers company and I don't enjoy being here. I've had suicidal thoughts since last year and if I'm still unable to find a solution to any of this by the end of the year I'm calling it quits. I'm really just tired of all this at this point. Also it's really nice to be in a place where suicide isn't taboo.
 
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Nitup

Nitup

Fake smile, real pain.
Dec 30, 2020
135
Hi, I'm a 32 yo guy from France.

I have been having depression and suicidal thoughts since high school. For a long time I was able to "handle it" and did not talk about it to anyone, and this is probably what fucked me up in the end... Because of a major crisis almost 10 years ago my family and friends discovered the truth about what I really feel, and I understood that I was very good at acting all these years.

I have been seeing many therapists since, some of them helped me, truly, some of them did not. I am no longer the person that I was 10 years ago and I had some good times since then. But in the end my mind still is the darkest places... I hate myself for such a long time, and same goes for suicide obsession. So this becomes really exhausting sometimes, as many of you know I am sure...

It is good to find a place here where suicide can be discussed openly without the taboo that exists about it in society.
Bienvenue compatriote :hug:
 
PrimeTimeDimeChime

PrimeTimeDimeChime

Member
Oct 13, 2021
5
Hi. I'm 25/male and I'm waiting on me paying off my credit card and for Kirby And The Forgotten Land to come out before I kill myself. I'm here because this is the only place I can be suicidal in peace. In my downtime from work I sleep mostly, but also drink, play video games, and watch cute anime. Currently re-playing Metroid Prime 1 and watching K-ON for the first time.
 
needingpeace24

needingpeace24

Member
Oct 19, 2021
44
Just your average 30 something guy here who fucked his life up. Things weren't so bad in the fairly recent past, but I made sure to start a chain reaction that pushed me into a psychotic break that I've been living through for months. Didn't know that was possible. Now I do. Figure I have a couple days left.
 
oneweekleft

oneweekleft

Member
Oct 18, 2021
56
Hello everyone,
I don’t know how to introduce myself and this will probably be my last introduction. I don’t have too much to introduce either, I can only try to introduce the miserable remains of my failed existence. But I’ll spare you that. I’ll be a short-time member, but still wanted to say hi to everyone.
 
SugoiServal

SugoiServal

Member
Sep 25, 2021
34
21yo, M, living in the UK. I've honestly had a reasonably fulfilling life, studying at a world-renowned university with potentially a good future lined up, but it looks like all that is coming to an end due to circumstances out of my control. I stand to lose my place at the university, my friends, and even basic control over myself, with only my relatives aware as of now. I worked my life to get here, and it is going to be ruined with no life for me leftover. No one would suspect me to be suicidal, and I really don't feel like I would expect it to be, but it is a fact that I am heading for a fate worse (to me) than death and so it is simply the logical choice. I plan on living my life to the full until the last moment, and quitting while I'm ahead with no regrets. A short life, maybe, but I'm fine with it being this way.
 
M

mtawayy

New Member
Oct 18, 2021
1
Hello... 20s M. Was lurking for a short while before I decided the ability to post might benefit me. Have wished I could cease to exist off and on for quite some time now. Don't really have plans to CTB. Mostly wanted somewhere I'd be able to talk about suicidal thoughts without hearing certain terribly annoying comments that you'll often get tossed. The only people in my life who'd potentially be empathetic are people who I don't want needlessly worrying about me. So here I am.
 
arainydancer

arainydancer

Member
Oct 20, 2021
22
Hey. 20yo here, non-binary. Spent about 8 years of my life chasing after a dream I always wanted (I wanted to be an animator,) and for those 8 years I went without support or love from anyone around me, half of those times I was already pretty suicidal, or at least had a grasp of its concept. I sacrificed a whole lot to get to the point where I could actually make a living out of what I do, turns out I was just going to be verbally abused by the people I'm working hard for in the end. I'm pretty bad with people, and while I've met very supportive friends who I loved along the way, they all left by the end of the day, because I am quite worthless as a person. Emotional connection and support is all I really wanted these days, but I guess I'm scum enough that I will never deserve that, and I'm not really mad anymore.

I always thought that this was going to be my final year alive.
 
A

Acceptance

Member
Oct 8, 2021
12
Hey, Im Acceptance and I'm very tired of existing.

I get one step closer to CTB everyday and I currently pass the time by playing competitive games and ranking up. I have not attended my classes in a couple of weeks and this is my 2nd time going through college. I haven't slept properly in months. I have accepted death and I do feel a little something for the people im leaving behind but I am way passed the guilt stage. I dont even have it that bad but my mental health has been destroyed due to living with my mother who has a series of different undiagnosed mental illnesses.

I'm here for a short time and hopefully if it all goes well not a long time nice to meet you all.
 
busternaught

busternaught

Scandicandy
Oct 19, 2021
5
Hi everyone, I'm new to the site. 24/m/Scandinavia.

I've been depressed for the majority of my life due to a Personality Disorder, I finally achieved my dream of getting into Uni this year but I bloody hate it already. I'm too mentally ill and broken to get anywhere in life, so I'm quietly planning another way out. Idk what else to say here... I miss the feeling of being loved and embraced more than anything, but I'm degrading too fast for that to ever happen again hehe...
 
Helios

Helios

probably eating milk steak
Sep 29, 2021
6
Hello there. I'm 23 and I still don't know how to write bios for myself. I never know what to say, but at least here I feel like I don't have to pretend to be funny, or impress people by being something I'm not.

My life isn't so bad. I am grateful that I'm relatively healthy, I have a decent career and I know I have people that love me. But at the end of the day, no one in my personal life knows the extent to which I am depressed and suicidal.

I hope to find people to have a conversation with that won't judge, or desperately convince me to stay, or tell me how it's all my fault for being depressed. I'm tired of pretending everything is okay, it's exhausting.
 
B

bettyboop40

Member
Aug 9, 2021
20
Hi. I'm 41 and live in the UK. Have suffered depression in and off for most of my life and attempted suicide a couple of times. I have had a horrendous year and thing just getting worse and worse so trying to find an effective method to CTB.
I feel you. I feel like I'm ok for a while then just crash. I' m getting tired of it.

Hello there. I'm 23 and I still don't know how to write bios for myself. I never know what to say, but at least here I feel like I don't have to pretend to be funny, or impress people by being something I'm not.

My life isn't so bad. I am grateful that I'm relatively healthy, I have a decent career and I know I have people that love me. But at the end of the day, no one in my personal life knows the extent to which I am depressed and suicidal.

I hope to find people to have a conversation with that won't judge, or desperately convince me to stay, or tell me how it's all my fault for being depressed. I'm tired of pretending everything is okay, it's exhausting.
 
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hotelbeneathground

hotelbeneathground

so gay.
Apr 13, 2021
5,122
Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith

I watched with glee
While your kings and queens
Fought for ten decades
For the gods they made

I stuck around St. Petersburg
When I saw it was time for a change
Killed the Tsar and his ministers
Anastasia screamed in vain

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name
 
fatefulstillness

fatefulstillness

New Member
Oct 24, 2021
2
Hi there. I'm here because I appreciate the quiet company of knowing that there's a place where I can talk about suicide without being judged.

Death plagues my mind and I'm trying to make some sense out of my days as I keep these thoughts to myself.

May the following seasons bring something worthwhile, and nice to meet you.
 
ascetic_

ascetic_

Metaphysically Homeless
Aug 28, 2021
80
34/F.

Been extremely depressed for decades.

Severely emotionally distressed for the past few years, and it has only been getting worse.

I want to opt out, but have various fears about it.

Other than that, generally speaking, my life is extremely pointless. I have no job, no friends, no significant other. I live with relatives. I often think of things I can do to improve - learning new skills, making certain plans... but I don't really have the knowledge or financial means to pursue these things. To be honest, I don't even really want to improve. I just want to be done here. I don't want to cause anyone any more harm or grievance. I just want to leave.
 

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