artificial_ineptness

artificial_ineptness

no
Nov 14, 2021
7
Hello!

I'm 23M, located somewhere in the god forsaken wasteland of Eastern Yurop.

Want to CTB, because I'm genetic trash, an alien brain dragging a disgusting meat bag through constant failures for no seeming reason. Almost all of the reasons that keep people here seem to not apply, since I have no one to care for, no one who cares about me and am almost completely disconnected from everything and everyone (positive at least, definitely still connect with suffering though).

Don't even enjoy anything anymore, so I just distract myself with whatever I can. Recently it has been work, since messing with code is the least unbearable thing I can do, but the rest of my time I just spend being miserable and overthinking everything.

I'm grateful that a place like this exists, but at the same time it's sad to see so many people (more deserving of life than me) getting beaten down by life like this...
 
Olorin

Olorin

Member
Nov 16, 2021
9
Greetings from Croatia
32M
Been reading through this forum on and off since about the beginning of the year. My problems are nothing spectacular - shitty household, depression and anxiety, probably some kind of autism too. Never seriously thought about ctb until last few months. I just can't live like this any more.
Always been a quiet, aloof kid. Parents would rarely talk to each other so I guess I never learned to speak in company. Didn't even know something was wrong until it was too late. I think depression started with puberty. Nothing changed much since.
My only jobs have been summer jobs, in the kitchen. I tried to be good and give my all hoping something would finally change but mental problems would always make me sing sooner or later.
Being on my own with a bunch of mostly young people cemented that I cannot connect meaningfully with anyone. Seeing 18-y-olds who have more life experience and generally just being better than me at everything isn't helping either. Getting funny looks when I say I never did this or that hits me like a hammer.
I accomplished nothing, I went nowhere, I didn't live through anything, never had gf.
I have two or three friends but we're drifting more and more with each year. I'm desperate to vent but I don't feel the need to talk with any of the few people I have, least of all family.
I just don't know what to do anymore
 
FarSquid

FarSquid

Alone, at the end of everything
Nov 14, 2021
5
Hello all,

I'm just your typical former gifted kid turned into wreck of an adult. Work full-time at a shitty job, come home to the cats who are my only reason to not ctb, sleep my life away to avoid it, etc. Don't have a whole lot going for me, don't have anything I want out of life, hence why I'm here. The couple people I've tried to broach the subject with in person have either tried to get me committed or ghosted me, so I'm hoping being here is a better experience, or at least more helpful.

Beyond the sad shit, I do have a thing for writing/editing so hit me up if you need an essay proofread or something lol.

May we all get what we want, and find that we truly did want it.
 
orange

orange

Member
Nov 19, 2021
24
Hello,

I'm unsure what to say in this introduction, I like drawing and plants, and I am very surprised that my username wasn't taken. I'm very glad to have found such a wonderful resource and I hope I won't have to use it for long, as I really just wish to go soon.

I've been suicidal since early childhood and thinking about non existence has always been of great comfort to me, only recently did I realize how actually hard it is to die. Current plant is doable but not the way to go, even though I am sure it's time to finally do it. I'm hoping to find a less painful and quicker way to ctb, and I'll offer support to others in whatever way I can.

Pleased to meet you!
 
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J

JustMissed

One more round
Nov 18, 2021
12
Hello,

I have been lurking for a while and finally created an account. I have been thinking about ctb for years though it has gotten exponentially worse the past year or so. Nothing holds any joy anymore. All I can seem to do is keep busy with work which seems to keep the demon at bay (high pressure high stress which keeps me focused and my mind off other things). When I’m not working, I lay around on the couch staring at the ceiling for hours on end contemplating the end of existence. Life just feels out of control and the only things that ever gives me a moment’s peace is coming here and reading posts or researching ways to ctb either here or via the net.
 
M

Mental

Member
Oct 12, 2021
16
Hello : )
My name is Ezra, I am a 22 year old student from Oregon. I don't want to die, usually. This wasn't the plan... : /
I dropped out of university last November 2020 with 4 months left before graduation when I was told I had a brain tumor and needed emergency surgery. The tumor was benign, but complications from the procedure left me unable to walk for 6+ months., Even now, my blood pressure tanks if I spend more than a few minutes on my feet.
I was so ambitious before all this happened, I had applications for programs across the country. I was going to make a difference. I return to school in January 2022 but I feel so stupid. I don't remember anything I need to know to return, my motivation is so low, I feel like an idiot watching all my friends and colleagues move on with their lives and dream jobs.
Covid exacerbated an already physically isolating recovery. My agoraphobia got so bad in the spring/summer that I would go weeks without leaving my apartment. I had fail panic attacks at the thought of even leaving my room to use the bathroom, haha. I moved to a safer situation and started taking part time classes in August to prepare for returning to school, and i was doing so much better! Riding the bus to the library, eating, volunteering. I started taking meds again!
This past 2 months I have returned to my lowest, or, surpassed it I guess. I'm paranoid, absolutely frozen, I can't think straight. I cry at nothing and go weeks without showering. Sometimes I swear I hear and see things I know aren't there. I had one year when I was 15 that was this bad, but it wore off before I ever attempted. I am really scared right now. I am at my lowest, with such a poorly functionibg body and so many hard deadlines on the horizon. I'm afraid I don't have the resilience to do this anymore. I'm scared to talk to anyone about it- I don't have time for inpatient and it's not like I've been historically very honest during psych exams haha. I am grateful for the space to be candid with you all about my fears and ideation. I hope we can be friends.
Hi, actually your story has kept me quiet for quite a while. I'm so sorry about what's happening to you, it must have been hard for you to end up in this situation being so young and with so many projects ahead. But friend, you must not give up, your physical condition is not an impediment to fulfill your goals, right now your only enemy is your mind, which is playing with you, this happens to many of us around here, But even if we don't say it, we all hope to find the right medication for our problem. You're probably in post-traumatic stress peril. If you need to talk, you can write to me, I won't judge you.
Peace and be free:heart:
 
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Esteban Il Divino

Esteban Il Divino

Member
Nov 9, 2021
6
Hello, I am Esteban. Sorry for the mistakes, English is not my native language.

It is my first ever post here.
I found this website about a year ago, and came regularly since.
Beyond all informations available here, the great treasure for me here is to find so many relatable stories, many people who share their difficulties, and everyone seems to be extremely benevolent and supporting with each other.

So the first and only thing I have to say right now is how grateful I am that this website exists.
So Thank all of you !
I sincerely wish to everyone to find what they are looking for.

Sorry again for my english.
 
Harriet

Harriet

Member
Nov 24, 2021
9
Hi
I’m female from the UK London area. I’ve struggled with bpd/ bipolar for a long time and after an unsuccessful attempt on my life this summer was put on lamotrigine on top of the anti depressants I already take. The thing is it’s stabilised my moods but to the extent I’m a zombie, I have no feelings left. It’s hard to explain. I have so much shit in my life but now I can’t even cry. When I was up and down before the highs and lows were insane but at least I could feel. I guess I thought I’d find people here who would relate. I still have suicidal ideation but it isn’t as active as it was before, more abstract. But I hate myself even more now. I hope this makes sense to someone? X
 
cambrai33

cambrai33

Member
Nov 3, 2021
85
Hi
I’m female from the UK London area. I’ve struggled with bpd/ bipolar for a long time and after an unsuccessful attempt on my life this summer was put on lamotrigine on top of the anti depressants I already take. The thing is it’s stabilised my moods but to the extent I’m a zombie, I have no feelings left. It’s hard to explain. I have so much shit in my life but now I can’t even cry. When I was up and down before the highs and lows were insane but at least I could feel. I guess I thought I’d find people here who would relate. I still have suicidal ideation but it isn’t as active as it was before, more abstract. But I hate myself even more now. I hope this makes sense to someone? X
Oh I get what you mean totally. Even though I am not on any medication my councillor says what has happened is I have blocked out all emotion as I can’t process it. I too walk around like a zombie, I look down not wanting to make any kind of contact with others, my eyes are about to burst but I keep it in.

Its almost like I am disconnected from my emotional self, not remembering who I used to be and now living life on auto pilot trying to function when I need to but existing in a pit of nothingness the rest of the time.

When this first started I thought therapy would fix me up and life would be great but now I feel I am on a conveyor belt that’s slowly taking me to a furnace but I don’t have the right words or self belief to stop it.

Welcome here and yes I definitely relate x
 
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Harriet

Harriet

Member
Nov 24, 2021
9
Oh I get what you mean totally. Even though I am not on any medication my councillor says what has happened is I have blocked out all emotion as I can’t process it. I too walk around like a zombie, I look down not wanting to make any kind of contact with others, my eyes are about to burst but I keep it in.

Its almost like I am disconnected from my emotional self, not remembering who I used to be and now living life on auto pilot trying to function when I need to but existing in a pit of nothingness the rest of the time.

When this first started I thought therapy would fix me up and life would be great but now I feel I am on a conveyor belt that’s slowly taking me to a furnace but I don’t have the right words or self belief to stop it.

Welcome here and yes I definitely relate x
Oh my god I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your response. I have wondered if I have the same thing of blocking out emotion as I can’t process it. And I get exactly what you’re saying about not knowing who you used to be. I feel like I’m either manic bipolar suicidal girl, or fucked up zombie girl with a mind full of holes where feelings should be. Is there a real me beyond that?
Thank you for sharing that with me xx
 
cambrai33

cambrai33

Member
Nov 3, 2021
85
Oh my god I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your response. I have wondered if I have the same thing of blocking out emotion as I can’t process it. And I get exactly what you’re saying about not knowing who you used to be. I feel like I’m either manic bipolar suicidal girl, or fucked up zombie girl with a mind full of holes where feelings should be. Is there a real me beyond that?
Thank you for sharing that with me xx
You are more than welcome anytime.

Yes that’s what the councillor fed back to me about being emotionless. Im not a fan of the labels the medical community give us (though I don’t have one yet) as it takes away the individual and puts us in a nice convenient box that fits (whether it does or doesn’t).

On a positive note, I do think the real us is still there somewhere but covered in scars and self protection, but I can’t remember that version of me, it’s what’s affected me the most.

My only advice is take the location part off of your post if you can, many here are after personal information and this narrows stuff down too much

Take good care x
 
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Elusive Phantom

Elusive Phantom

There's glass in my oatmeal
Oct 29, 2021
90
I'm not actually suicidal. I don't even know why I'm on this site, tbh.
 
Ashu

Ashu

Member
Nov 13, 2021
32
Hello everybody!

I will turn 52 this month: never married, no kids. I am a practicing Catholic. I serve as a lector and Communion minister at my parish: I am also a Lay Carmelite. (For more info on Lay Carmelites see http://laycarmelitespcm.org/, http://ocarm.org/en/content/ocarm/third-order and http://ocarm.org/en/content/ocarm/some-questions-and-answers-about-lay-carmelites.) I am a history buff and like to write fiction (especially alternate history). I suspect that I will likely ctb by suspension hanging once my bedridden mother (for whom I am a caregiver) has passed away, but Mom could easily live another 10 years. Therefore, I find things to do in the meantime and pray for God's mercy.
Now I know that there is someone else here who's exactly my age, and another novelist no less. I might mention that I've actually lived on the real Mount Carmel. Good to know you. It's kindred spirits who make the too-long meantime as easy as possible to bear.
 
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stellabelle

stellabelle

ethereal
Dec 14, 2018
3,610
So tired of waking up.
Tired of shit disturbers.
Tired of being ignored.
Tired of being blamed.
Tired of being stalked.
Tired of being told it’s not “enough.”
Tired of being provoked.
Tired of “pretend” concern.
Tired of condescending people.
Tired of “over explaining.”
Tired of hating the world and everyone in it.
Tired of being mistreated.
Tired of being framed.
Tired of being fucked with.
Tired of a damaged legal system.
Tired of a bad family.
Tired of bad roommates.
Tired of people speaking “for” me instead of “to” me.
Tired of people who seemingly want to rip my life away or “make choices” on my behalf.
Tired of it all.

Been tired.
My whole life.
So fucking tired.
And now.
That’s just me.

Too tired.
Too many lies.
Too many bad people.
Too many times.
Too many fuckin game “players” and thieves.
Too many shit disturbers.
 
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Shadowplay

Shadowplay

Average alcohol aficionado
Sep 11, 2021
705
Hello!

I'm 23M, located somewhere in the god forsaken wasteland of Eastern Yurop.

Want to CTB, because I'm genetic trash, an alien brain dragging a disgusting meat bag through constant failures for no seeming reason. Almost all of the reasons that keep people here seem to not apply, since I have no one to care for, no one who cares about me and am almost completely disconnected from everything and everyone (positive at least, definitely still connect with suffering though).

Don't even enjoy anything anymore, so I just distract myself with whatever I can. Recently it has been work, since messing with code is the least unbearable thing I can do, but the rest of my time I just spend being miserable and overthinking everything.

I'm grateful that a place like this exists, but at the same time it's sad to see so many people (more deserving of life than me) getting beaten down by life like this...
Please tell me Transylvania........ :-P
 
Ashu

Ashu

Member
Nov 13, 2021
32
hello all
im a 21 yr old male from the Balkans
i had the perfect life till my 19 when i got anxiety manifested with physical symptoms only(air hunger,palpitations,etc..)
i went to a psychiatrist in my 20s when they gave me different antidepressants for anxiety and benzos.
The AD only caused me sexual problems,while the lorazepam(benzo) was the perfect drug for me.
I tried 5-6 different drugs,and the last one was trazodone which i took only 3 pills and after i stopped all AD i got testicular pain,shrunk testicles,no errection,no libido,no energy,no buzz from alcohol,restless leg syndrom...

There is no known treatment for this and psychiatrist and psychologist think its in my head
Im emotionally flat and destroyed and wanna end it,since i feel its my moral duty to my self,since all my life i have been the most intellectual,fine looking and great and fun guy to be around with raging libido and lust for life.
I dont wanna live my life looking at the other average shitholess-whom i was like god to them a few months ago,having sex,enjoying life,while i cant sleep,cant love and cry all the time for my past.
Atm im only watching series and movies on my laptop,and while i take a break from that i cant stop but cry in anger knowing its the end of me
I cry because of the pleasure i lost my self,and cry about the loss of my family

Im hoping to find the most suitable method first,and than the guts to do it and i have to do it fast
Regards
This is just so terrible, I'm sorry, the destruction of your sexuality. It was pure chance that the antidepressants didn't do the same to me or any of us. To hell with the scumbag druglords who've always known about this effect, reptiles and parasites. You must know that there is a community of fellow sufferers, and that Dr David Healy, a rare good psychiatrist, is their most prominent champion.
 
thereisthemist

thereisthemist

a useless fat faggot
Nov 5, 2021
4
greetings from china, although i prefer conversations in english
suicide makes me feel alive so i kept thinking about that, i also like watching people suffer, and hating myself for it
also just a boi who asks too much questions in life and got banished easily
been on anti-anxiety meds for 4 years now, happened some good, and some waste of time/money
lost interest in college although I kept doing it, cuz i have no technique or income to sustain myself in the near future
i also like real life getting destroyed stories here, telling me am not alone and am too coward to make actions irl

basically, genuine but careless self hate and bad energy
always open to talk tho, as long as im online, here, and physically
 
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