• Welcome! SanctionedSuicide is a forum for the discussion of mental illness and suicide. Please read our rules and our Principles.
    If you are in need of immediate support, please call the Samaritans hotline at (877) 870-4673, or check our recovery resources.

Geturdone

Geturdone

Getting old ain't for sissies
Dec 9, 2021
85
Can’t really answer any of that, I don’t have the answers but…

I am sorry this is the way life has played out for you and please try and be kind to yourself
Yes, agree completely. Where's the justice gone?
 
  • Love
Reactions: Dead Meat
D

dyingalone123

Experienced
Sep 8, 2021
218
Greetings. I am almost 45-years-old & have had major depressive disorder for almost my entire life. I can recall having my first major episode at the age of 10 & recurring suicidal ideations & attempts since then. Therapy, medications & all the typical treatments have not made a significant impact. I haven't tried anything like ETC, or MCS... but I don't have high hopes for those methods either.

I found out there is genetic component of medication resistant MDD in my family & I'm fairly certain that's why I have such intense & complicated depression. I also suffer from anxiety, PTSD, & Adult ADD. Physical illnesses, not to be addressed (which are significant & many), are just additional complications to my mental health conditions.

I'm divorced but currently living with a friend who is aware of my mental status about 90% of the time. I have no children, just several siblings that don't seem to give a crap about me. Friends... maybe a handful & no one (now) I can be absolutely frank & honest with about my feelings of ctb. The one I did have passed from natural causes about a week ago.

My life consists of the same things every day - maybe interrupted by a doctors appointment every so often. But it's no life at all, really. I try to be grateful for the things in my life, because I KNOW life could be SO MUCH WORSE for me. But sometimes depression is just an awful monster that takes over my whole life.

TBH IDK if I will ever do anything to CTB. I've been extremely close before. I had EVERYTHING but my final arrangements planned out. The place, the method, the time, how not to get caught/stopped. I wrote my goodbyes. I compiled all my financial information. Then, there was one last thing... The day I was on my way to a funeral home to make arrangements & pay for my own funeral, something stopped me & I didn't go through with it. After that I struggled with the thoughts but they eventually abated.

So, even if I never get to that point again, I want to be supportive of others. I want to be able to talk about ctb matter-of-factly without feeling like I'm some morbid freak. And if I do, one day, feel like ctb... I want to have people in my life who understand & support me too.

Well, that's pretty much it. I'm here to listen & offer advice (but only if you want it). Peace, solace & respite to all.

*Psyche*
Can I ask what kept you going? I’m faxing depression right now and meds aren’t helping much.
 
  • Love
Reactions: Suicidebydeath
*Psyche*

*Psyche*

Goddess of the Soul
Dec 10, 2021
48
Can I ask what kept you going? I’m faxing depression right now and meds aren’t helping much.
I couldn't leave my dog & I couldn't find a way to take her with me. We only had each other. So, in effect she saved my life. When she passed 5 years later, it wrecked my world & I've been on a suicidal roller-coaster ever since (even though I have new dogs 😢💔).
I wish I had more advice for you, friend. Try to find something with purpose or meaning in your life & focus on that. It's the only way I make it through a day at a time... sometimes hour by hour. (Hugs)
 
D

dyingalone123

Experienced
Sep 8, 2021
218
I couldn't leave my dog & I couldn't find a way to take her with me. We only had each other. So, in effect she saved my life. When she passed 5 years later, it wrecked my world & I've been on a suicidal roller-coaster ever since (even though I have new dogs 😢💔).
I wish I had more advice for you, friend. Try to find something with purpose or meaning in your life & focus on that. It's the only way I make it through a day at a time... sometimes hour by hour. (Hugs)
Thank you. I’m gonna give you a hug too
 
  • Love
Reactions: *Psyche*
B

BlackSeraphim

New Member
Dec 14, 2021
1
Hello everyone. I'm a 30 year old male. I'm considering suicide because I feel hopeless about my future and can't bring myself to welcome chaos into my life in an effort to change it. Most days I feel like a coward. Other people in my life also have mental health problems so I don't add my problems to theirs, and those that don't can't seem to understand where I'm coming from.

I came here wanting to connect with others that might feel the way I feel and research less painful ways to exit this life. Thank you for having me.
 
needed_

needed_

waiting for a miracle
Dec 17, 2021
718
Hi everyone, I'm 30 and female. I have bipolar 1 with mostly mixed episodes which constantly brings me close to the cliff. I've been dealing with it for years by having an eating disorder. I'm really looking forward to be able to discuss heavy topics without people overreacting and trying to hospitalise me.. so I'm really happy to be part of this now, thank you for letting me in :happy:
 
Rabhen

Rabhen

Isolated Loner
Dec 17, 2021
22
Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!
how do I make a new post here or do I just introduce myself in this reply?...
58 Fem-Hermaphrodyke through more than double the traumatic experiences than my age. An isolated loner, weary and despondent.
 
tylerdurden

tylerdurden

Member
Dec 14, 2021
8
Hi everyone, have visited the site on and off for a few years now. Decided to just join. Things aren’t getting better…time to be able to interact with a group that seems to understand and be supportive, unlike what I have been able to find in my everyday mundane existence. Just a mid 30’s male that has contemplated ctb for a bit after existing is just exhausting.
 
rationaldeath

rationaldeath

Member
Dec 10, 2021
39
Hello everyone, I'm a 22 year old male here looking to discuss the rationality of suicide and the pros/cons of different methods for ctb. My current view (that I am by no means certain of) is that death is morally neutral and therefore the mere existence of suffering can be enough to justify ending one's life early if they wish.
 
dkelseyd

dkelseyd

New Member
Dec 18, 2021
2
Hi Everyone-

44yr old male living in the northeastern United States. Recently diagnosed bipolar 2, which doesn't really explain much in my opinion. I have had suicidal ideation since 12/13 and my first long term depression at age eighteen. I recently had my worst and longest depressive crisis ever, starting in July and I am only barely 'out of it' thanks in part to a lamotrigine prescription.

What gets me most is that I can't pinpoint any specific trauma or other issue that makes me feel the way I do. Plenty of people with similar disorders are able to live somewhat healthily around them, however I have in all seriousness done almost NOTHING with my life and it's passing by quicker and quicker now. Why? I don't know exactly but I guess I just have no will to anything and have barely ever felt there was a PURPOSE to my life. I had good parents, a fortunate upbringing and I am well educated. Somehow, however NOTHING has really made me want to keep being here. Now, I have no money, no career can barely work a real job and have pretty limited romantic experience. At first during the pandemic I quite like not having the pressure to socialize, but now I feel like I have no friends, but going anywhere and seeing anyone feels like torture.

I see a lot of talk of ENVY here already and I share that feeling. It's like daily torture to hear about what people are up to: traveling, relationships, creative endeavors. I can't even begin to understand how to do any of it. I am considered intelligent, a good friend and conversationalist and I always thought someday it would hit me, what to DO but am now trying to reconcile myself to the mediocrity I am. Getting out of bed has been hard enough without having to actually LIVE.

thank you. I am glad this place exists.
 
Geturdone

Geturdone

Getting old ain't for sissies
Dec 9, 2021
85
how do I make a new post here or do I just introduce myself in this reply?...
58 Fem-Hermaphrodyke through more than double the traumatic experiences than my age. An isolated loner, weary and despondent.
Congrats, at 58 I'm sure you've had your struggles. Understatement right? Anyway, glad you're still plugging away. You evidently have some degree of survival skills. Good for you. Still, my hope for you is that you connect and find comfort here quickly. Everyone is truly nice except the two that aren't and you'll discovery their identities on your own I'll wager ;-))
Hi Everyone-

44yr old male living in the northeastern United States. Recently diagnosed bipolar 2, which doesn't really explain much in my opinion. I have had suicidal ideation since 12/13 and my first long term depression at age eighteen. I recently had my worst and longest depressive crisis ever, starting in July and I am only barely 'out of it' thanks in part to a lamotrigine prescription.

What gets me most is that I can't pinpoint any specific trauma or other issue that makes me feel the way I do. Plenty of people with similar disorders are able to live somewhat healthily around them, however I have in all seriousness done almost NOTHING with my life and it's passing by quicker and quicker now. Why? I don't know exactly but I guess I just have no will to anything and have barely ever felt there was a PURPOSE to my life. I had good parents, a fortunate upbringing and I am well educated. Somehow, however NOTHING has really made me want to keep being here. Now, I have no money, no career can barely work a real job and have pretty limited romantic experience. At first during the pandemic I quite like not having the pressure to socialize, but now I feel like I have no friends, but going anywhere and seeing anyone feels like torture.

I see a lot of talk of ENVY here already and I share that feeling. It's like daily torture to hear about what people are up to: traveling, relationships, creative endeavors. I can't even begin to understand how to do any of it. I am considered intelligent, a good friend and conversationalist and I always thought someday it would hit me, what to DO but am now trying to reconcile myself to the mediocrity I am. Getting out of bed has been hard enough without having to actually LIVE.

thank you. I am glad this place exists.
Glad you are here.
 
Last edited:
  • Love
Reactions: Dead Meat
fr0ggie

fr0ggie

to live is to fly
Dec 14, 2021
5
hi everyone, it's nice to a see a group of ppl where everyone is honest abt how hard things can be, while also still being polite and caring abt others' well-being. i find that very sweet and comforting, a lot of other corners online ppl make crude jokes or just say platitudes lol.

i'm in the us, been in and out of therapy and drs for depression/anxiety most of life. i was in orphanage overseas and adopted as baby, if anyone can relate to that, then i'm sure you know how hard things have been since the beginning. after being off meds and out of therapy for 2 years, just start going back to dr to get meds to help. not finding much help with it, and it's not affordable either.

i'm recently graduated from college and been having hard time with finding a real adult job, and i just started living alone. normally i like reading, music, taking walks. i feel like i used to have all these plans and dreams for when i wasn't mentally ill, actively hurting on the inside all the time, but now i'm getting to this point of realizing this isn't something i will grow out of, or learn to live with. i feel so sick that i find it hard to talk to normal people, it feels like i'm burdening them with my negativity. i go to the dr and downplay how bad it is.

thank u for anyone reading this, i appreciate the time u spent reading abt me, i been comforted by reading abt some of you already xx
 
S

subj

Student
Dec 16, 2021
107
Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!
Hi, Older 78, was abused by priests at 13 and thru teens, thats when i began to feel useless, dirty no good. and suicidal. IN spite of that I have worked, raised a family and overall had a good life, but always feel as though Imm useless. As im old and healthy im aware disability or death is not far off. As and if things get bad I want finally to be able to do the ultimate punishment . One thing I guess that makes my situation different is that I want it long and painful.
 
J

Julgran

Specialist
Dec 15, 2021
385
Hi, I'm mid 20s, almost a lawyer. Been this way since I was 13. Can't stop.

That's a long time for almost being a lawyer. I hope you have found your place by now :wink:

hi. 55. male. anxious. confused. not sure why i am on here. but people seem nice.
👍

Hi! We all found this place for one reason or another. You are always welcome!

I'm 27 and just joined the forum last week. Never would I ever have imagine that I'd join a place like this. I have a plan but for the time being I am trying to just vibe through life.

We all start somewhere. Hopefully, you will find the right path for you.

Hi, Older 78, was abused by priests at 13 and thru teens, thats when i began to feel useless, dirty no good. and suicidal. IN spite of that I have worked, raised a family and overall had a good life, but always feel as though Imm useless. As im old and healthy im aware disability or death is not far off. As and if things get bad I want finally to be able to do the ultimate punishment . One thing I guess that makes my situation different is that I want it long and painful.

Your story sounds particularly harsh. I'm not religious myself, but I would be interested in hearing how you think that God views your situations. I mean, do you think that God thinks that you are a good person, despite your troubles? From what I can read, you have held on for your family, at least, which makes you a good person, in my eyes.
 
  • Like
Reactions: *Psyche*
S

subj

Student
Dec 16, 2021
107
That's a long time for almost being a lawyer. I hope you have found your place by now :wink:



Hi! We all found this place for one reason or another. You are always welcome!



We all start somewhere. Hopefully, you will find the right path for you.



Your story sounds particularly harsh. I'm not religious myself, but I would be interested in hearing how you think that God views your situations. I mean, do you think that God thinks that you are a good person, despite your troubles? From what I can read, you have held on for your family, at least, which makes you a good person, in my eyes.
Thank you for your thoughtful words
 
V

VariousCatNoises

New Member
Dec 18, 2021
1
Hey. I'm probably not gonna do much but lurk, but I wanted to say hi first. Glad this site is still around.
 
  • Like
Reactions: *Psyche*
K

ket

Member
Dec 18, 2021
81
heya, i’ve lurked here for years and finally made an account now that it’s required.

life’s hard, depression sucks. at some point i’ll probably kill myself. like whatever, who cares.

also i’m a scientist, if that’s interesting to anyone.
 
Babou

Babou

Member
Dec 18, 2021
7
Hi everyone! It was important to me to post today because it’s my birthday, and my account was just approved. I was fortunate enough to get to see the site after the NYT piece but before the lockdown, so I got to see firsthand the wonderful openness and acceptance of this community. It’s too bad that, for now at least, others won’t be able to see the openness and understanding that can be found in this community, but I think it’s the right decision given the current environment.

As for me, I’m a middle-aged cisgender gay man living on the West Coast of the U.S. I lost a close friend to suicide earlier this year. On some level, I really didn’t think he’d go through with it, so it was quite a shock when I learned of his death. I’ve had my own flirtations with suicide and SI over the years, and while I’ve felt like I’ve managed to keep those thoughts under control, recent events have me second-guessing myself.

I really don’t know how this all plays out, but I’m grateful for having found and been admitted to this community. I’m looking forward to openly and honestly connecting with you all in a way I can’t connect with anyone else, wherever our journeys take us.