• Welcome! SanctionedSuicide is a forum for the discussion of mental illness and suicide. Please read our rules and our Principles.
    If you are in need of immediate support, please call the Samaritans hotline at (877) 870-4673, or check our recovery resources.

Tarantula Girl

Tarantula Girl

Don't Fear the Reaper
Dec 10, 2021
5
Found this site through the NY daily email i get(and now dont read because of how badly judgemental the piece is). Been lurking for I think weeks because I'm introverted a lot.
I'm going on 33 soon, have been majorly depressed for a long time and constant thoughts of wishing I were dead. I take antidepressants that I don't feel work, therapy always ends up with me listening to my therapist talk about their life and them not helping mine. I'm married and have lots of pets including dogs, cats, reptiles, and arachnids. I'm stay at home because I hate the public and am in to much pain after hours on my feet. Deal with not only the depression but constant anxiety, eczema, skin picking, diabetes, being a night owl that needs 10-12 hours of sleep to function, IBS, and constant pain in my joints.
I love drawing, painting, cross stitching, old cars, listening to the 80s, playing Spyro the Dragon, gardening, and feeding my tarantulas.
I get a daily kick in butt from life itself, especially when I'm trying to do something positive or helpful. I feel like i live in the fog of Silent Hill, have no one to talk with except my pets(which i do all the time!).
I found this website and it feels like home to me. I can relate with so many posts I've read and it makes me feel that Im not alone in the way i feel and how my life is.
 
M

Myl

Anhedonia.
Jan 23, 2019
864
I guess since I probably will actually start posting here I should do one of these.

21 year old male.
NEET for 7 years.
Depressed, Anhedonic and suicidal.
Want to be young again.
Frequenttly fuck up in every online community I have ever joined and get banned from them (probably around 5 at this point.)
Failure at everything.
 
S

_Seeking

I'm only here for this moment
Dec 16, 2021
51
I am 50/F. I have been dealing with a number of chronic illnesses for over 20 years that causes me chronic fatigue. Then, about 5 years ago I had a knee injury that kept feeling worse and the pain then spread to other joints. Despite a bone scan and skin changes that highly indicated CRPS, the doctors wanted to sit on it and see if it got better on its own. Of course being CRPS, it only got worse with time and by then it was too late for the nerve blocks to work. Then I developed MCAS after getting long Covid and then the second covid vaccine made things significantly worse. Due to the MCAS, I deal with constant nausea and am unable to eat much of anything. I have a hypermobility disorder, and every year it is causing me more and more pain as well. I want to die in peace and relative comfort before I lose my independence. I am just tired and feel so isolated because I have to work and keep all this inside because people with normal lives do not want to hear about your problems unless there is a reasonable end in sight.

Thank you all for listening, I was lurking on here for a couple of months and relate to what all of you are going through. It helps me feel like I am not alone in this.
 
emmarg

emmarg

Member
Dec 10, 2021
37
That's a long time for almost being a lawyer. I hope you have found your place by now :wink:
haha unfortunately I'm in the US, where being a lawyer requires a graduate degree. I'm on the younger end at 24 :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: kkhg
J

Julgran

Specialist
Dec 15, 2021
370
haha unfortunately I'm in the US, where being a lawyer requires a graduate degree. I'm on the younger end at 24 :)

Well done in getting as far, though. Keep going strong.
 
F

feel something

Member
Dec 14, 2021
7
hi. thank you for accepting me admins.

29 gay cis male. struggling with depressive moods since my childhood. recently diagnosed with ADHD.

i have been having a hard time finding peace with life. my happiness has always depended on other people in my life. life can feel so tiring at times.
 
redd1993

redd1993

Member
Dec 20, 2021
8
Hello everyone, I'm 28 and a cis gay man from Canada. I've been suicidal and depressed for more then a decade now, it tends to come and go but it's been especially difficult these last few months. I'm glad to have found a forum that has open discussions about suicide without judgment since sometimes I just have questions or want to vent a little bit.

My interests mostly lie in everything geeky be it video games, comics, anime, etc.
 
castleonacloud

castleonacloud

Member
Dec 16, 2021
7
43, never married female, Mid-South of the States (roughly rectangle state in a city with a music row). Self harm/SI since preschool. Few serious attempts as a teen and when I was 20 (each with obscure/surreal circumstances that blocked death). I had what I believe to be an encounter with God at 21 that pretty remarkably provided a foundation on which I built a pretty decent life with the SI very much in the past for several years . . . until I was stuck in an extremely intense sexually abusive context that when I exposed it (and it was admitted) still ended up destroying my successful career, every relationship I had except one, and smeared me so thoroughly and publicly that there is no way to be me anymore. I’ve got an incredible therapist and psychiatrist who have walked with me through three years of major upheaval, loss, and brain damage from my sexual abuse/assault disclosure. I’ve lost 70% of my cognitive capacity and truly every single tangible aspect of the life I had. I have tried everything (went back to school, pursued/won legal action against those who destroyed me/moved/ketamine infusions/amygdala SGB/etc) to rebuild and find new life and purpose, but apart from a very unlikely obscure resolution taking place in the next few weeks, it’s time for the end of this screwy, dystopian saga. I live near a bridge that is 100% effective, accessible, and reliable. If the resolution I mentioned doesn’t happen, I would prefer to have a non violent method to ensure that the realization of pavement 200 feet below doesn’t overwhelm my resolve at the last minute and make me chicken out. As such, I have the book and have spent months trying to track down a non scam option that I can get without leaving the country. Am also open to O or F. I have the resources and commitment, but need someone to recognize that what I’ve lived is definitely the trauma equivalent of a (truly) 39 year battle with stage IV of the worst cancer imaginable. Suffice to say that if you knew my name and googled it, you could literally read major media stories about all that’s been done to me by a major force/organization. (I hope this makes sense given the care I’m taking to not break the anonymity policy). No one who knows me or the circumstances I’m will be shocked when I end it, but I am yet to find someone who will help me do so peacefully. I am pretty done with words and expression so I doubt I’ll post much, but am very thankful for this space and the commitment of those who keep it going. Definitely reach out if you have any thoughts or insight that may help me as I’ve noted here. I’m not sure how I could help anyone, but am always willing to consider doing so if able.
 
L

LostMyWorld

Member
Sep 1, 2021
63
Hello, female, 40….I had a great life with my husband who I lost 5 months ago after 23yrs together. I had to make the decision to take him off the ventilator and watch him go. I so regret that, I could of went with trach&feeding tube. Why didn’t I? The doctor kept pushing but now I’m like wth did I do. Either way I have no desire to live without him. He was healthy, doctors failed him, I failed him (long story) he should be here. No meds or therapy is going to change this. Then last month I lost my Dad.
I have one failed attempt at partial. Not sure if I will attempt that, SN or gun. I hate waking up everyday now but I rushed last time, I want to make sure this time it’s done right. Plus I have paperwork to get in order. So glad this site is here, can speak honestly without being locked up or threaten & everyone understands suffering.
 
Garmonboziagirl

Garmonboziagirl

Nyctophiliac
Dec 17, 2021
4
Hello. I’m a 46 year old woman. I’ve been chronically suicidal since I was little. My parents divorced when I was 2, because my father was gay. He died from AIDS when I was 15. My mother is paranoid schizophrenic. I have C-PTSD from the abuse that I endured with her when I was young and when I was older and lived with her to take care of her because my older sister left the state and left me alone to make sure that my mother was okay. My mother was medication non compliant and was physically and verbally abusive when not on her meds. The police were called numerous times, but they told me there was nothing they could do unless she actually did kill me. The cop literally said that. By this time, my health had deteriorated, it was never good to begin with. I had a heart bypass when I was 2 years old and my health had never been good. Anyway, I was almost 40, no job, on SSI, and living with my abusive mother. I tried to ctb, with pills, but she found me in time, claiming that I just wanted to get attention. The only reason I was glad I made it was because of my cats. But, I had to spend days in the ICU, then she made a scene so I was transferred to the psych ward before I was physically ready, because they didn’t want to deal with her in the ICU. Annoying how I didn’t hurt anyone but myself and I ended up in the psych ward, but her abusive ass was just fine to be free. I was finally able to be free of her only when she attacked a cop on one of the times the cops were called. I guess that’s what it took, who cares about me, but attack a cop, and bam, they cart her off. She ended up getting a guardian appointed to her, and is now in a nursing home. I have no contact with her. I live in housing for the elderly and disabled with my 2 cats. I have stage 3CKD, gastroparesis,
fibromyalgia, hypothyroidism, and migraines. The combination of the physical and mental issues are too much for me. I am living to take care of my cats, who are old, then when they are gone, so will I be. I am incredibly grateful to have found a site like this where I can share my pro choice views without judgement.
 
Z

Zotz101

Member
Dec 19, 2021
26
Hi everyone! My name is J. 18. I like soccer tactics, writing stories, playing logic puzzles, naming things, and playing video games. My dream is to be a game designer/game critic but I’ll probably end up as a lawyer/in finance/something so immensely boring.
 
Last edited:
Babou

Babou

Member
Dec 18, 2021
7
I guess since I probably will actually start posting here I should do one of these.

21 year old male.
NEET for 7 years.
Depressed, Anhedonic and suicidal.
Want to be young again.
Frequenttly fuck up in every online community I have ever joined and get banned from them (probably around 5 at this point.)
Failure at everything.
Hi Myl! If you could go back, what age would you want to be? I constantly land around 15-16, but when I really think about it, I’m not sure I’d really want to be young again for all the shit I went through.
 
Mobius1launch

Mobius1launch

Member
Dec 14, 2021
16
Hi everyone! It was important to me to post today because it’s my birthday, and my account was just approved. I was fortunate enough to get to see the site after the NYT piece but before the lockdown, so I got to see firsthand the wonderful openness and acceptance of this community. It’s too bad that, for now at least, others won’t be able to see the openness and understanding that can be found in this community, but I think it’s the right decision given the current environment.

As for me, I’m a middle-aged cisgender gay man living on the West Coast of the U.S. I lost a close friend to suicide earlier this year. On some level, I really didn’t think he’d go through with it, so it was quite a shock when I learned of his death. I’ve had my own flirtations with suicide and SI over the years, and while I’ve felt like I’ve managed to keep those thoughts under control, recent events have me second-guessing myself.

I really don’t know how this all plays out, but I’m grateful for having found and been admitted to this community. I’m looking forward to openly and honestly connecting with you all in a way I can’t connect with anyone else, wherever our journeys take us.

Hey thanks for sharing. I'm new here too and I'm just starting to come out of my own shell.

I don't know how a phrase like this comes across in a forum like this, but I'm really sorry you lost your close friend this year. Things like that can drive you towards doing it yourself. It's psychology, I've learned.

As a newbie myself, I look forward to seeing what you post and share, Babou. This is scary and nervous but I want to actually engage with people like you here.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Dead Meat
Babou

Babou

Member
Dec 18, 2021
7
Hey thanks for sharing. I'm new here too and I'm just starting to come out of my own shell.

I don't know how a phrase like this comes across in a forum like this, but I'm really sorry you lost your close friend this year. Things like that can drive you towards doing it yourself. It's psychology, I've learned.

As a newbie myself, I look forward to seeing what you post and share, Babou. This is scary and nervous but I want to actually engage with people like you here.

Hey Mobius. I really appreciated the thoughtful response to my post. My friend had been wrestling with his demons for many years and finally succumbed. It’s a long story. I was sad to learn of his passing but wasn’t all that surprised. In a fucked up way, to some extent I was relived to hear he finally did it and knew with certainty that he was gone. I hope he’s found a measure of peace In the end.

I saw your other thread and found your ability to be so candid remarkable. Seems like you’ve very much been able to come out of your shell here. I think that’s what I’m looking for most in this community—a group of people who can openly share their darker inclinations without fear of reprisal (I’m also glad the community is now locked down for that same reason). I’m not quite there yet, but hope to get there over time.

I’m very much hoping to engage with likeminded people struggling with the same issues, either in open forum or on the side. Feel free to PM me if you want to get into any specifics. I’m still so new that I’m not quite sure the best way to do that myself (every time I click on an individual’s handle I get an error message), but I’m around!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Mobius1launch
Mobius1launch

Mobius1launch

Member
Dec 14, 2021
16
Hey Mobius. I really appreciated the thoughtful response to my post. My friend had been wrestling with his demons for many years and finally succumbed. It’s a long story. I was sad to learn of his passing but wasn’t all that surprised. In a fucked up way, to some extent I was relived to hear he finally did it and knew with certainty that he was gone. I hope he’s found a measure of peace In the end.

I saw your other thread and found your ability to be so candid remarkable. Seems like you’ve very much been able to come out of your shell here. I think that’s what I’m looking for most in this community—a group of people who can openly share their darker inclinations without fear of reprisal (I’m also glad the community is now locked down for that same reason). I’m not quite there yet, but hope to get there over time.

I’m very much hoping to engage with likeminded people struggling with the same issues, either in open forum or on the side. Feel free to PM me if you want to get into any specifics. I’m still so new that I’m not quite sure the best way to do that myself (every time I click on an individual’s handle I get an error message), but I’m around!
We are both brand new here. We're going to experience this forum first hand. Me being so candid is rare. I'm not just coming out of my shell, I'm running buck-ass nude through the streets with a colander as a hat yelling like a fanatic. It's both exhilarating and daring for me to be so open.

To be honest I'm a bit nervous to PM. I'll get to it eventually. I'll follow your posts and will touch base with you Babou. Thank you for introducing yourself :)
Hi everyone! My name is J. 18. I like soccer tactics, writing stories, playing logic puzzles, naming things, and playing video games. My dream is to be a game designer/game critic but I’ll probably end up as a lawyer/in finance/something so immensely boring.
Hey Zoltz. What kind of games would you like to make if you could design them? And what kinds of stories? I write a bit myself
 
T

Tomatoandcheese

New Member
Nov 6, 2021
4
Hi. I'm 26, lurker since good ol reddit days but decided to finally make an account this month. I've had suicidal ideation for 12 yrs. Not much brings me joy anymore, but, I have a cat that I care about and also I like to write on occasion. ^^
 
U

uienringptr

tiny planet explorer
Dec 10, 2021
11
Hi, I'm uienringptr.. uienring is onion ring in Dutch I believe. I'm just learning Dutch so I don't know much. I'm really active on vent sites so I probably won't be the most active here 'till the very end... Just lurking and reading I guess.
I'm not ready to go yet, but I see suicide as my eventual way out and I don't want to be shamed for it anymore. I've read a lot on this site and it's made me feel safe. So thanks to everyone that posts here.
I haven't finished a whole pack of cigs yet. I haven't been to Canada. Really, those are the only 2 important things I can think of that need doing at the moment. I'm sure I'll come up with more to keep me around as time goes on.
I've not much else to say, but hi.
 
Mobius1launch

Mobius1launch

Member
Dec 14, 2021
16
Hi. I'm 26, lurker since good ol reddit days but decided to finally make an account this month. I've had suicidal ideation for 12 yrs. Not much brings me joy anymore, but, I have a cat that I care about and also I like to write on occasion. ^^
What do you like to write? Curious
Hi, I'm uienringptr.. uienring is onion ring in Dutch I believe. I'm just learning Dutch so I don't know much. I'm really active on vent sites so I probably won't be the most active here 'till the very end... Just lurking and reading I guess.
I'm not ready to go yet, but I see suicide as my eventual way out and I don't want to be shamed for it anymore. I've read a lot on this site and it's made me feel safe. So thanks to everyone that posts here.
I haven't finished a whole pack of cigs yet. I haven't been to Canada. Really, those are the only 2 important things I can think of that need doing at the moment. I'm sure I'll come up with more to keep me around as time goes on.
I've not much else to say, but hi.
Hey Uienring. Even if you're a lurker it's nice to meet ya.
You from the US? They're opening the border with Canada to non-essential travelers.
 
GentleSoul

GentleSoul

Here, but not 'there'...
Dec 14, 2021
411
Hi y'allz

Thank you SS for accepting my registration and to all here.

Was poisoned by my best friend's brother (obviously we're not friends anymore) now dealing with serious health issues that have wrecked my life and continue to get worse.

Will be taking my life into my own hands instead of riding this out, at the time when I've decided enough is enough. hence why I'm here.

I hope to be of as much help as possible in the meantime.

Much love!
 
*Psyche*

*Psyche*

Goddess of the Soul
Dec 10, 2021
48
Hello everyone. I'm a 30 year old male. I'm considering suicide because I feel hopeless about my future and can't bring myself to welcome chaos into my life in an effort to change it. Most days I feel like a coward. Other people in my life also have mental health problems so I don't add my problems to theirs, and those that don't can't seem to understand where I'm coming from.

I came here wanting to connect with others that might feel the way I feel and research less painful ways to exit this life. Thank you for having me.
That is quite a common sentiment around here. You're in very good company. All I've seen thus far are supportive, welcoming people. We see you. We hear you. We understand.
Hello everyone. I'm a 27 year old intersex woman from Iowa and new here. I like anime and gaming for my interests. I work retail. Thus far I have kept going mainly for my dog, hairless guinea pigs, and the tarantula that are my pets.
My dog is who save my life once. She is gone now, sadly. She was my heart, my soul, my joy. But I'm still here to tell the tale & support my fellow humans in need. Welcome to the group.
Found this site through the NY daily email i get(and now dont read because of how badly judgemental the piece is). Been lurking for I think weeks because I'm introverted a lot.
I'm going on 33 soon, have been majorly depressed for a long time and constant thoughts of wishing I were dead. I take antidepressants that I don't feel work, therapy always ends up with me listening to my therapist talk about their life and them not helping mine. I'm married and have lots of pets including dogs, cats, reptiles, and arachnids. I'm stay at home because I hate the public and am in to much pain after hours on my feet. Deal with not only the depression but constant anxiety, eczema, skin picking, diabetes, being a night owl that needs 10-12 hours of sleep to function, IBS, and constant pain in my joints.
I love drawing, painting, cross stitching, old cars, listening to the 80s, playing Spyro the Dragon, gardening, and feeding my tarantulas.
I get a daily kick in butt from life itself, especially when I'm trying to do something positive or helpful. I feel like i live in the fog of Silent Hill, have no one to talk with except my pets(which i do all the time!).
I found this website and it feels like home to me. I can relate with so many posts I've read and it makes me feel that Im not alone in the way i feel and how my life is.
We are quite alike. Welcome to the group.
I am 50/F. I have been dealing with a number of chronic illnesses for over 20 years that causes me chronic fatigue. Then, about 5 years ago I had a knee injury that kept feeling worse and the pain then spread to other joints. Despite a bone scan and skin changes that highly indicated CRPS, the doctors wanted to sit on it and see if it got better on its own. Of course being CRPS, it only got worse with time and by then it was too late for the nerve blocks to work. Then I developed MCAS after getting long Covid and then the second covid vaccine made things significantly worse. Due to the MCAS, I deal with constant nausea and am unable to eat much of anything. I have a hypermobility disorder, and every year it is causing me more and more pain as well. I want to die in peace and relative comfort before I lose my independence. I am just tired and feel so isolated because I have to work and keep all this inside because people with normal lives do not want to hear about your problems unless there is a reasonable end in sight.

Thank you all for listening, I was lurking on here for a couple of months and relate to what all of you are going through. It helps me feel like I am not alone in this.
I do really hope you find what you need & what you're looking for on here. My heart goes out to you. ❤
Hi Everyone-

44yr old male living in the northeastern United States. Recently diagnosed bipolar 2, which doesn't really explain much in my opinion. I have had suicidal ideation since 12/13 and my first long term depression at age eighteen. I recently had my worst and longest depressive crisis ever, starting in July and I am only barely 'out of it' thanks in part to a lamotrigine prescription.

What gets me most is that I can't pinpoint any specific trauma or other issue that makes me feel the way I do. Plenty of people with similar disorders are able to live somewhat healthily around them, however I have in all seriousness done almost NOTHING with my life and it's passing by quicker and quicker now. Why? I don't know exactly but I guess I just have no will to anything and have barely ever felt there was a PURPOSE to my life. I had good parents, a fortunate upbringing and I am well educated. Somehow, however NOTHING has really made me want to keep being here. Now, I have no money, no career can barely work a real job and have pretty limited romantic experience. At first during the pandemic I quite like not having the pressure to socialize, but now I feel like I have no friends, but going anywhere and seeing anyone feels like torture.

I see a lot of talk of ENVY here already and I share that feeling. It's like daily torture to hear about what people are up to: traveling, relationships, creative endeavors. I can't even begin to understand how to do any of it. I am considered intelligent, a good friend and conversationalist and I always thought someday it would hit me, what to DO but am now trying to reconcile myself to the mediocrity I am. Getting out of bed has been hard enough without having to actually LIVE.

thank you. I am glad this place exists.
We may not ever know the cause, but while we are here we deal with it as best we can. Sometimes that means a group like this, where like-mindedness abounds, can help heal our wounds. Welcome to the group.
hi everyone, it's nice to a see a group of ppl where everyone is honest abt how hard things can be, while also still being polite and caring abt others' well-being. i find that very sweet and comforting, a lot of other corners online ppl make crude jokes or just say platitudes lol.

i'm in the us, been in and out of therapy and drs for depression/anxiety most of life. i was in orphanage overseas and adopted as baby, if anyone can relate to that, then i'm sure you know how hard things have been since the beginning. after being off meds and out of therapy for 2 years, just start going back to dr to get meds to help. not finding much help with it, and it's not affordable either.

i'm recently graduated from college and been having hard time with finding a real adult job, and i just started living alone. normally i like reading, music, taking walks. i feel like i used to have all these plans and dreams for when i wasn't mentally ill, actively hurting on the inside all the time, but now i'm getting to this point of realizing this isn't something i will grow out of, or learn to live with. i feel so sick that i find it hard to talk to normal people, it feels like i'm burdening them with my negativity. i go to the dr and downplay how bad it is.

thank u for anyone reading this, i appreciate the time u spent reading abt me, i been comforted by reading abt some of you already xx
No need to feel like a burden here. We all get it. Welcome to the group.
I lost a close friend to suicide earlier this year. On some level, I really didn’t think he’d go through with it, so it was quite a shock when I learned of his death. I’ve had my own flirtations with suicide and SI over the years, and while I’ve felt like I’ve managed to keep those thoughts under control, recent events have me second-guessing myself.
I too lost a close friend, whom I considered a sister, to suicide almost 10 years ago. Her death was also a shock. Although she'd had many suicidal attempts in the past, I never dreamed she'd succeed at it.
For me, the attempts and SI since then have steadily increased; however, that is normal when you know someone who has successfully completed... especially when life just beats you down. I'm here if you'd like to chat. Welcome to the group.
43, never married female, Mid-South of the States (roughly rectangle state in a city with a music row). Self harm/SI since preschool. Few serious attempts as a teen and when I was 20 (each with obscure/surreal circumstances that blocked death). I had what I believe to be an encounter with God at 21 that pretty remarkably provided a foundation on which I built a pretty decent life with the SI very much in the past for several years . . . until I was stuck in an extremely intense sexually abusive context that when I exposed it (and it was admitted) still ended up destroying my successful career, every relationship I had except one, and smeared me so thoroughly and publicly that there is no way to be me anymore. I’ve got an incredible therapist and psychiatrist who have walked with me through three years of major upheaval, loss, and brain damage from my sexual abuse/assault disclosure. I’ve lost 70% of my cognitive capacity and truly every single tangible aspect of the life I had. I have tried everything (went back to school, pursued/won legal action against those who destroyed me/moved/ketamine infusions/amygdala SGB/etc) to rebuild and find new life and purpose, but apart from a very unlikely obscure resolution taking place in the next few weeks, it’s time for the end of this screwy, dystopian saga. I live near a bridge that is 100% effective, accessible, and reliable. If the resolution I mentioned doesn’t happen, I would prefer to have a non violent method to ensure that the realization of pavement 200 feet below doesn’t overwhelm my resolve at the last minute and make me chicken out. As such, I have the book and have spent months trying to track down a non scam option that I can get without leaving the country. Am also open to O or F. I have the resources and commitment, but need someone to recognize that what I’ve lived is definitely the trauma equivalent of a (truly) 39 year battle with stage IV of the worst cancer imaginable. Suffice to say that if you knew my name and googled it, you could literally read major media stories about all that’s been done to me by a major force/organization. (I hope this makes sense given the care I’m taking to not break the anonymity policy). No one who knows me or the circumstances I’m will be shocked when I end it, but I am yet to find someone who will help me do so peacefully. I am pretty done with words and expression so I doubt I’ll post much, but am very thankful for this space and the commitment of those who keep it going. Definitely reach out if you have any thoughts or insight that may help me as I’ve noted here. I’m not sure how I could help anyone, but am always willing to consider doing so if able.
Good lord! That all sounds horrific. I'm so sorry you went through all of that & it ruined your life so completely. I once thought of ending my life by jumping from a bridge, quite as you described. I was SO close to completing my mission until the last moment. It wasn't fear though. It was love. Love for my dog. I know it may sound trivial, but I loved her more than anyone on this planet. I just couldn't leave her, or take her with me. But I digress... yes, there are easier, much less painful, and peaceful ways to ctb. I do feel for you deeply. I am here if you ever want to talk. Welcome to the group.
 
Last edited:
  • Love
Reactions: castleonacloud
MolinaKeyLime

MolinaKeyLime

Member
Dec 16, 2021
23
Hello I am a 19 f soon to be collage student

Freshman year was my first suicide attempt. I drank nailpolish remover, swallowed nicotine gum ×2, and took my mom's bpd medication+ whatever else. I regret not using the internet to succeed.

Ive deeply deelpy hated myself since the age of 5. Therefore, I see no hope.

Many nights I cry about the thought of losing my dad. He's the only real connection I have and I'm scared that there's no afterlife because him more than anyone would deserve heaven.

I'm just above the water and the tides coming in
 
vanessa3323

vanessa3323

New Member
Dec 21, 2021
2
Hello everybody!

I will turn 52 this month: never married, no kids. I am a practicing Catholic. I serve as a lector and Communion minister at my parish: I am also a Lay Carmelite. (For more info on Lay Carmelites see http://laycarmelitespcm.org/, http://ocarm.org/en/content/ocarm/third-order and http://ocarm.org/en/content/ocarm/some-questions-and-answers-about-lay-carmelites.) I am a history buff and like to write fiction (especially alternate history). I suspect that I will likely ctb by suspension hanging once my bedridden mother (for whom I am a caregiver) has passed away, but Mom could easily live another 10 years. Therefore, I find things to do in the meantime and pray for God's mercy.
you need an ear look me up
 
  • Like
Reactions: DBCooper
DBCooper

DBCooper

New Member
Dec 26, 2021
2
Self-deliverance. Soon to be 60, retired soldier with afflictions from service and a very deep soul wound. Like a person with a cold weather injury from frost bight or hypothermia will almost always be vulnerable to cold, so to my soul wound creates a condition of hyper awareness and sensitivity to the plight of others- and this at time becomes debilitating as we humans just consider to oppress, harm, and kill with near glee.

My sister decided to self-deliver at the age of 24 and I know not her final battles before making her choice.

I am here to learn in order to be informed if I ever need to self-deliver. I truly believe this is a personal choice and when needed the options should be available without pre-conditional sanctity of life considerations and shame culture for those that make a choice. I always think of the scene in Soylent Green at the Thanatoria should be possible for all.

Hello.
 
B

Beboopboop

Member
Dec 29, 2021
5
Hi,

This is my introduction. I am glad to have found this site. I am anxious to move things along.

May we all have peace in the end of our days.

-of few words
This is my second introduction. I am female in my late 20s.

It might be nice to connect with other female users.

I am anxious to use this forum for sharing information. I am an empath so I imagine reading a lot of posts will be hard.

I do not want to be convinced otherwise. I want peace. I feel like I have answers, but I am out of energy personally. And that is ok.
 
Last edited:
GentlyFading

GentlyFading

seasoned lurker (*ノωノ)ᵉᵉᵏ
Dec 28, 2021
36
Hello everyone! I've been lurking on here for about two years and only got an account now (okay yes I wanted access to the Suicide GD archive and decided to interact because folks here are nice).

It's me, your local neighborhood lesbian train wreck~ ٩(*•͈ ꇴ •͈*)و ̑̑

My first suicide attempt was at 11. I was a dumbass and tried to hang myself with a hangman's knot at 70lbs, bad idea no thank you. I've had a few more suicide attempts in my teens that were equally as dumb...

Tl;dr I'm a problem child who never got better. Now I'm in my early twenties. At this point I can either keep going another few years to decades or just lay down and stop. I'm tired. I know this is selfish, but I don't want this anymore.