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Jan 11, 2022
Hi I’m new and from UK too and my family unaware too how I really feel - I really feel your pain - I wish you some relief somehow 🤗
Thank you, I gather my situation is not unique so it's great to be amongst people of the same mindset. 🤗
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Alcoholic Teletubby

Alcoholic Teletubby

Rip in piss
Jan 10, 2022
wanted to introduce myself before i post anymore, it feels strange but here i am :^)

i'm soon turning 21 and have actively wanted to ctb for almost half of my life now. i have self harmed for just as long, and it is all because of chronic trauma beginning in childhood which i just can't seem to escape from. i lost almost all of my friends (and continue to destroy my remaining relationships) because of my self injurious, impulsive actions, as well as the way i behave when i'm feeling worthless/shitty/irritated, which is most of the time. i'm in between wanting desperately to recover and wanting desperately to take myself away from this world which has nothing left for me.

being able to find out exactly what i need for a peaceful journey away from this horrid existence makes me feel calmer. i'm very grateful for this forum even though i am a very new member. even lurking at the time made me feel less alone.
A Moomins fan. Nice. I can also relate to that perpetual back and forth between wanting to live and wanting to die.
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Reactions: fluffymoomin


New Member
Dec 21, 2021
Hi, I'm a 22 (almost 23) year old male from the UK.

Without triggering anyone
I was groomed online and showed horrific images by these men
but that also lead me to getting in trouble with the law.
I did have a girlfriend of 9 years who left me because I wasn't exactly the greatest boyfriend to her either, though that's been partly now explained with my BPD diagnosis - not that that is an excuse or defends my past actions. I didn't take our break-up well and didn't respect her boundaries in trying to contact her once more so I again got in trouble with the law. I've also suffered a lot with addictions in the past which I'm thankfully getting over.

I'm sick of hurting people so that's why I've been contemplating CTB a lot the past year - and the fact I can't really carry on without my rock by my side.

Other than that I collect a lot of things to somehow give my life purpose but it doesn't really work. I've been gaming a lot since I was a child so I often still do that to escape into fantasy and relive the childhood innocence.


Dec 14, 2021
I've been lurking here for around half a year and finally decided to create an account. My age is between 20 and 30 , I come from some country in northern Africa.
Battling severe depression for around 10 years .covid lock downs and restrictions made everything worse.


Dec 19, 2021
Hi guys,

I am a 25 year old male from Central Europe.

Around the time I started my first real job, I started to perceive life differently. In a bad way. I have since fallen deeper and deeper into a hole that fills me with depression, hopelessness and death wishes. Actually I have everything in life to be happy, unfortunately your mental illnesses don't care about that. I wish I could give my privileged status to a poor soul in a REAL bad situation and die in return.

Well, anyway, thanks for welcoming me to this forum, I have had only good experiences so far.


Jan 14, 2022
Hello, 29 yo from Istanbul. I don't have any problem with sharing my whereabouts, this is how careless I am when it comes to life, privacy and whatnot.

I'm not suicidal per se rn, but I want to have that option beside me, if things go awfully bad, without it I always feel stuck.

Anyway, hope to catch up soon, though it is sad that we can't browse the old/locked threads anymore. this feels like SS-light.


Dec 16, 2021
I am 28, male, diagnosed Avoidance personality disorder, besides I have hairloss and hyperhidrosis on my entire body. Very unlucky genetically. Also I have really bad dental issue. My teeth start getting cavities at the slightest lack of attention. I have chose the name parnate since it was my last hope of all the medications and it failed me.


Dec 28, 2021
Hello to all and glad to be part of your community.

53 year old man, living near Boston, Massachusetts, USA.

Been depressed all my life, abusive childhood, hard to make friends in real life. I honestly try to be a good person and be nice, or at least courteous to everyone I meet. Some love me, some don't care about me, some hate me.

Diagnosed with major depressive disorder, OCD, drug abuse/dependence, etc.

Killed the pain through the years with various distractions, amusing myself in the void. Joined the military, graduated college, competed in bodybuilding/powerlifting. Since I was a weak and sickly and nerdy kid in childhood, I built myself up to be a big strong physical guy. Loved sex, drugs, rock and roll, lifting weights, enjoyed the respect of educated men and the love of little children, as Emerson put it.

Testosterone and stimulants (caffeine, ephedrine, yohimbine, modafinil, dexedrine/Adderall/other amphetamines) used to be enough to power me through life, Viagra and Cialis enough to power me through sex. But having been a lifelong insomniac, eventually I lost the ability to go to sleep. At first melatonin or GHB did the trick, then increasing doses of Valium and Xanax.

Over the last 2-3 years, everything has stopped working. I've seen psychiatrists and tried all the usual suspects with only negative side effects to show for it.

Eventually only ever increasing doses of Adderall (200 - 300mg per day) were enough to make me euphoric, then only happy, then only depression and feeding the cravings to avoid withdrawal. I ceased to care whether I would live or die at all, and went to sleep every night hoping to not wake up in the morning.

The problem is, I still keep waking up in the morning, no matter what I do.

In early December, I suffered what was later confirmed to be a heart attack (myocardial infarction). Instead of seeking help or going to the ER, I laid down in bed and gave thanks and prepared my soul for death.

But I woke up the next morning, and every morning since, although I continued to grow weaker and weaker. I had been a big and strong guy all my adult life, but now simple tasks like climbing stairs or taking out the trash became physically impossible. I joined this site at that time, as I slowly lost the strength and any remaining will to live.

Finally on New Year's Eve, my adult daughter convinced me to go to the ER, where eventually heart attack was confirmed, 3 of 4 coronary arteries were 99% blocked and open heart surgery (CABG, coronary artery bypass grafting) was necessary. I went along with it to please my family, and because I was too weak to resist in the hospital, where all the drugs I depended on for years had been taken away and I went through severe withdrawal.

Now I have been released from the hospital, am weaker than a baby, and complete anhedonia has set in.

I am in pain, all the time, every moment of every day, whether I am sleeping or waking.

I can't do anything on my own anymore. My wife has to help me into bed at night, and out of bed in the morning. Climbing a flight of stairs is like climbing Mt Everest, and I have to pause several times and almost vomit at the top of the stairs. I require benzos to sedate myself at night, gasp for air until morning, and pray that I never wake up.

But, as stated before, the problem is that I keep waking up in the morning, no matter what I do.

I have seen this before with my mother and father, both of whom died slow agonizing deaths where they lost the ability to move (ALS in my mother's case, heart attack and coma for my father.) I personally do not choose that kind of slow agonizing death for myself.

And so here I am, looking for options for a quicker, hopefully painless or less painful death, at the place and time of my own choosing.

I never chose to be born, but I hope that I can choose when to die. Any assistance in that regard will be appreciated.

Love, empathy, and sympathy to all, whatever your own personal situations may be.



I don't know why I run away
May 6, 2021
I'm not new but I never got the chance to present myself, so here goes nothing.

Greetings - I'm 19 years old, I do art, part of the rainbow gang, bilingual and deeply depressed.

I suffer from PDD (Persistent Depressive Disorder) and GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). Was diagnosed a couple of years but believe I suffered from both since my early teens. Been on and off meds since my diagnosis, have gone through several therapists and psychiatrists through the years with mixed results. My reasons for joining the forum were because of frequent depressive periods and bad situations over the past years, I was constantly thinking of comitting cbt but didn't know much about methods and stuff, so found this website by pure luck one day and decided to join. Also helps for venting and reading others' experiences to not feel lonely. Not sure if I'll ever ctb as I have constant mood swings and fear of the unknown, but it's strangely comforting to have the possibility if things go south.

Currently on my last semester before going to Uni, have had a hard time going through it due to my depression. I want to dedicate my life to art, I want to draw and learn other artforms to express myself and find some joy in life. Other than drawing, I ocasionally enjoy writing, reading, listening to music, discovering photographers, etc.

I'm usually an introverted and quiet person but can be extremely expressive and talkative person when I have a lot of trust and feel safe with someone else; only downside is that I get extremely mentally and phisically exhausted so I need time alone to "recharge", to put in someway. As such, I struggle talking and interacting with others in real life or online, I'm very infrequent with my actions, though I always try to be nice and understanding to people.

I don't know what else to say, I've had a positive experience in the forum so far, I only wish you well with whatever you decide to do with your life.

Peace, I hope to be active more often around here.​


Dec 16, 2021
Hi Everyone -I’m in my late forties- female - I’m quite reserved and lack confidence so not sure how much I can participate - I’ve been reading of all your suffering for weeks/months and really empathise with you all - I’ve had depression since my teens, nervous breakdowns ,chronic fatigue , type 1 diabetes - now peripheral neuropathy last five years which is now advancing rapidly -have tried so hard to fight it medically and trying to keep going to care for family - they depend on me in many ways - my parents are quite old and it really makes me sad to see -I’m in a lot of pain and almost bed bound - pain and stiffness working it’s way up my body - I don’t want to be alive at all but couldn’t bear to cause family pain by ctb but need to know there’s a way out if becomes unbearable -everything is a complete mess - sorry for my rambling - you don’t know me so you are the only people I can tell that I want to exit - I wish you all some relief and peace Xx
Thankyou to all so much for reacting to my introduction - it means so much to be among you - so many best wishes to everyone 😘😘😘🤗


Jan 17, 2022
hello! im a 19yr old male from europe. i have been dealing with depression since i was like 11. but it got worse when i was 13 i think. and since then i have always wanted to factory reset my life. thx god i found this forum, yall ppl on here seem so nice. :hug:


New Member
Jan 1, 2022
Hi, all …

I am new here; I heard about this place from the glowing review in the New York Times … they had nothing but good things to say about this place!

I've been here a short while but between my shyness, my reserved nature, and the obvious need to be cautious and discreet online (lest we find something we say here printed in that aforementioned bastion of journalism), I honestly don't even know what to say about myself by way of introduction.

I like to keep myself to myself, I'm not keen on making waves. I am doing alright for myself and my immediate family, at least from the outside looking in, and I suppose that's sort of one of the problems. My life looks perfect, and from a distance you'd struggle to see a problem. It is so emotionally exhausting, though - not so much "keeping up appearances" because I don't care about that, but I am doing my best to shield my loved ones from our daily struggles. And, sure, "socio-economically" speaking, yeah, we're solid. But money isn't everything.

I consider myself lucky not to be alone, having someone to share with really helps, but we have the general outlines of a plan, and we'll see how things go.

Anyway, I wanted to say hi to everyone.


New Member
Jan 20, 2022
Hey there. Have no idea what I’m doing but am glad I found this place. Have depression and anxiety. Feel like a complete failure and a burden to my family. Trying to figure out the path I want to take.