Introduce yourself

[Ainsley]

Greetings, all. I hope this message finds you well.

Although it pains me to think that each of you struggle with a different flavor of the same hell I experience, it brings me comfort to have stumbled upon this resource; and I am cautiously optimistic about my future here with you. I came across SS after an afternoon of researching chronic suicidal thoughts. Suicidal thoughts is my oldest companion, tagging along beside me for nearly as long as I've been alive. It is deep rooted, an integral part of who I am.
Unfortunately, the few people in my life on my side of this screen do not understand, and I've burned myself time and time again trying to open up about it with them. I've been better off alone. However, I do get lonely, so here I am.
This is new for me, but I am going to try my best while I'm here.
Please, call me Ainsley. It is not my name, but I feel a certain affection toward it. I am not sure what else to include, or I am not comfortable including anything else at this time, so I am going to leave my introduction here. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

 

[darkdivine]

Hi,
Just joined. Not very good with people, but I'm trying - have been trying to reach out more. Obviously I'm not doing so great, because I'm here... I'm in my thirties with severe depressive and panic disorders, PTSD, and agoraphobia, BPD. Etc etc etc... I'm a hot mess would someone flip me over so I can cook in hell evenly?
I use dry humor to cope with my insurmountable and unfathomable existential dread.
I also like cats. ✌

 

[Squalo]

my life sucks.

I live in a dysfunctional family with a crazy and depressed mother and an alcoholic father, because of my horrible life I took refuge on the internet and in video games, so after graduation I didn't specialize in anything.
I've always done jobs where I earn little money with which to afford to buy something for myself.
I also live in a country that does not allow you to work seriously and change your life, buy a house and support yourself.

I am 30 this year and I have not achieved anything in my life.
I'm practically nobody and I have nothing: I don't have a home, I don't have a car, I've never traveled, I've never had a serious job, I've never had a girlfriend, I've never done anything satisfying or interesting.

I am not living, I am surviving, I have reached 30 and I am tired of all this.

I don't want to do anything anymore, I just want to leave this world in peace.

 

[wrybuzzard]

Hey,
I've been lurking for a while and thought I'd finally create an acccount to join in the chat. As with most people here I've experienced long term suicidal thoughts. Life will always be a mixed bag, but as it continues I find myself less able to deal with the crashing lows.
It's good to be able to talk to people in a way I can't to those around me.

Wry

 

[meloncholied]

hi

I've visited this site countless times in the past but made an account today.
i've been on/off suicidal for proabbly 4 or so years. Attempted a few times ~2 years ago but didn't do my research at all and ended up in the hospital a few times.
i've got a nice little collection of mental health diagnosis, mdd, gad, possible ocd (not officially dxed), ctptsd. im also autistic. i also have a long history of self harm (~7 years), mostly cutting, and an on/off eating disorder. so just being in my head is miserable.
i also have a strained relationship with my parents, like 1.5 friends but theyre really just one step up from aquantances so i feel really alone. and im too socially terrified to make new ones, trust me ive been trying.
been in pretty much every type of mh treatment imagineable. ip, php, iop, residential, a tti program (where i got the cptsd), talk therapy, dbt, etc. but im still miserable. so i joined so i can have a place to genuinely consider all my options, aka trying to get better vs. ending my suffereing. becasue ever other mh community space/site/subreddit/etc. really only sees one option, the option being forcing ppl to stay alive.

so yeah hello

 

[EvilStepSister]

Hey everyone,

I had an account here for about a year, until I deleted it about a year ago. I'd mention my old username but I really don't think anyone would remember me. I posted quite a bit but I don't recognise anyone here lately.

I had SN in my hands twice in the last year and either surrendered it or discarded it, hoping for Recovery. It worked for a while and life was really getting good. Until I had to flee my country and lose the most precious person in my life. I'm now where I thought I always wanted to be but the agony of not being connected to that person has killed me inside. I want my outside to match my inside - dead.

Getting SN is now impossible because i don't live on my own and the people I live with know how low and desperate I am and watch my mail. I'm forming a plan for partial (which was my Plan A before learning about SN anyways). I have the privacy and the space - I want to use my bathroom faucet for the ligature and sit on the floor beneath it. I have a few Benzos I was prescribed for the flight over here. Will that help with the SI and/or convulsions at all? I need to decide on the material yet and the right time. There will never be a right time. I'm going to hurt a lot of people very deeply. But since I can't avoid being selfish about this, I have to try not to dwell on it.

When I was 10, I remember thinking, "I either want a hug or death." Well, I went through life touch-starved and abandoned by everyone I've ever know. The hug will never happen.

Death it is.

 

[cxz43]

Hey.
I am a 21-year-old.

I am here for the obvious reason and the fact that every other platform forces us to act as if we are all living a big magical life, that we are all yoga pros and eating clean and happy with our bodies etc. like.. cmon that's a full sack of shit. and it's even shitter that they will ban your account if you do not act as if you are a perfect happy human on any other platform.

I am hoping to find a venting buddy, and or someone to just shoot the shit with, and allow ourselves to just spill everything before our time could be up, or just someone to be there during our darkest times since everyone else is too full of themselves.

I am not looking for a pact, just someone that understands.

my Kik is cxz34

 

[ColorlessTrees]

Hey.
I am a 21-year-old.

I am here for the obvious reason and the fact that every other platform forces us to act as if we are all living a big magical life, that we are all yoga pros and eating clean and happy with our bodies etc. like.. cmon that's a full sack of shit. and it's even shitter that they will ban your account if you do not act as if you are a perfect happy human on any other platform.

I am hoping to find a venting buddy, and or someone to just shoot the shit with, and allow ourselves to just spill everything before our time could be up, or just someone to be there during our darkest times since everyone else is too full of themselves.

I am not looking for a pact, just someone that understands.

my Kik is cxz34

Hi! Welcome to the forums. It’s unfortunate to meet here, but I hope you find comfort in this place. If you’d like a venting buddy, don’t be afraid to reach out. Private messaging won’t open up until you’ve made enough posts—(it’s not many, but I don’t know the exact number)—but I wanted to let you know I’m here to listen and chat if you’d like.

 

[iwannadie]

Hello I am new
I am going to end my life soon

 

[gun]

Heallo! This is me.

 

[LadySorrow]

Hey all!

I'm 21 and I'm new to this website! Would love to get to learn more and talk to like-minded people.
This might be shitty to say but I have been having problems with not feeling emotions since I was little. Have seeked help but every person I have seen so far just sounded artificial and I couldn't take them seriously.
Maybe someone here can relate to living a life of fake emotions?

Hugs and kisses!

 

[Ratcycling]

Hey,

I'm Ratcycling, its a stupid pun that reflects one of the only things that still brings me joy, my pet rats.

I'm turning 26 shortly and have been depressed since I was 6 or 7, started self-harming and having thoughts of suicide around age 9. I've also been told I have traits of both C-PTSD and BPD. My parents and step-parents were crack and meth addicts and had a slew of trauma and mental health issues that they perpetuated with me. The first time I tried to ctb I was 12 and it was after being prompted by my stepmother. I tried to drink bleach but couldn't even swallow it and instantly vomited. I never told anyone about it so I wasn't hospitalised and it just burned my mouth and tongue for a few days. Next time was age 16 when I saved up 4 months worth of anti-depressants and swallowed them all. Once again, vomited very shortly after, but that time told my grandmother and was hospitalised. I've gotten close a few more times, made a noose and put it around my neck but couldn't go through with it, got shit faced and climbed over the railing of a bridge but chickened out at the last second.

Right now, I don't know if I want to live or die. I mean, my brain says I want to die most of the time, but I'm scared and unsure. Then I'm reminded that everyone I get close to on a deeper level abandons me when they realise that I'm an irreparably fucked up person who isn't worthy of love. Or they realise that I'm desperate to please others in exchange for a tiny crumb of affection and they use that to their advantage and then drop me when something better comes along. I want to hold on to some hope that maybe it could get better, but I lose more of that hope every day. I feel like I will either be alone forever or continuously used and throw away. The only thing that's kept me from ending it recently has been my pet rats, I don't want to leave them when they only live a few years and they're bonded to me so much. They're coming up on 1 year now, so I have anywhere between 6 months to 2 years left with them, after they're gone though, I don't know what else I'll have to live for.

Really, I shouldn't complain. Statistically, I should have never even graduated high school and should be a drug addict and/or homeless at this point. I came close a few times in my early twenties, mind you. But I'm lucky enough that I'm intelligent in a way that the institution of the academy rewards. After a few years on disability, I finally decided to go to post-secondary education and I was shocked to find that the majority of it would be paid for by grants, scholarships and bursaries. And by throwing myself into education I've managed to keep that nearly free ride going. I'm lucky enough to have a job, it doesn't pay that much but it gets me by. I'm lucky enough to live in a place where the rent is below market value and my housing is secure. I get told by friends, colleagues, and professors that I'm fun, resilient, brave, kind, competent, intelligent. I feel bad for feeling that that isn't enough.

Instead, I'm left sitting here telling myself I'm worthless, unlovable, broken, and that myself and everyone else would be better off if I was dead. Even better yet, if I had just never even existed. I often think if I could go back in time, I would try to prevent my parents from ever meeting. Then I could be 'dead', but without the guilt of hurting other people through my actions.

Anyway, I'm just glad that there's somewhere that these things can be talked about without the regular fear and judgement that normally comes with it. When I mention my suicidal thoughts to friends or God forbid, family, I'm either met with anger and judgement (which I understand stems from fear), threats of involuntary hospitalisation, or full-blown dismissal. For me, talking about it makes it easier to make sense of these feelings, and it sometimes even helps them diminish a bit. But when you have to walk on eggshells with everything you say, that defeats the purpose.

 

[fantasy mind]

Hey everyone
I'm a young adult male from Finland. I've been lurking for a while but finally gathered enough courage to start posting myself. I've struggeled with depression, anxiety, autism and OCD for as long as I remember and I'm very glad to have found people to relate to. I don't even know myself what my plan right now is, recently just trying to distract myself from everything with hobbies like art and music I guess.
I hope all of you have a good day.

 

[cocainenosejobs]

Hey, i'm cocainenosejobs which kind of reflects on my life.

There isn't much to my life Ex ballerina, drug addict, sex worker. Everything went downhill and i'm ready to go soon.
Between the amount of trauma I have experienced and my bpd yeah there is no way out of this and if there is I don’t think I would want to fix my life. I want out.
Recently I hangs been putting myself in shady situations thinking maybe someone will end my life for me but I soon realized based off my luck in the past that will never happen.
The only thing keeping me here is my cat though each day it becomes less of a reason to stay knowing that my friend would take him in. My stay on this site will probably be quite short it’s nice to meet you all.

 

[hopelesscallgirl]

Hello, everyone
I'm new here, I have been through so much in both short and long amounts of time, they say it makes you stronger, but I'm tired of always fighting and never feeling safe. I am 24 years old, I'm autistic, transgender and I'm a sex worker. The world and society is definitely not built for people like me, this world is so cruel and I hate it. No matter what I do nothing is ever good enough for this world and I always get treated differently. I've gone through multiple medical procedures and surgeries including sex reassignment surgery to get rid of my dysphoria but I always want more and more. Over the last year I've been kidnapped, assaulted, I got kicked out a few times, involuntary admitted after everything became too much. This world is honestly broken and I want to feel at peace and safe with my self and the world around me. I honestly don't think I'll make it to 30.

 

[bumbleberry]

Hello newbie (23) here, been lurking in the past weeks and decided to join. I've tried twice (DO) but failed so that was stupid. Tried to patch things up and thought I could finish my degree, that was more stupid. Family and friends couldn't understand depression and though of it as a cold. Just tired of being surrounded by obnoxious and selfish people rlly.

 

[neville243]

Hey!
I've been on and off the site for quite a while and I think I still have limited access to it, I probably need to reach a certain number of posts or something but I'm pretty introverted even online and don't like to talk that much, or that I'm just not used to it. However, I find it really reassuring to have a place where people aren't so dismissive to the usual topics discussed around here. I also would like to be more active occasionally and not feel like a total lurker..

 

[Ada]

My name is secret,

I am 30 year old. My first suicide attempt was 10 years ago. At that time I was studying mathematics. My dream has always been to leave something behind, to solve a difficult theorem, to make a great piece of art, or to write a small poetry collection. After my depressions, I decided to give up on my dreams and study computer science. As a teenager I was obsessed by technology, but over the years I feel more and more alienated by it.

I have so strong emotions.

 

[Willy Wonka]

Hey I´m 40 years old and from Berlin, Germany. I want to get my hands on N, hoping that just by owning it I might find that inner peace so I can either live a reckless or my best life. Or just take it. I don´t really know hy but I´m hoping to find people here from my area or at least the same country. Could have been a bit more of apersonal messgae, but here I am

 

[CometDustBear]

Howdy all, I'm Bear

I have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for a long time (too damn long tbh), pretty much most of my life. Currently doing okay emotionally and not suicidal as of now. I joined this forum to find a place where I could relate with others when the ideas of catching that bus arise and also relate to those who are trying to recover. I'm sure this site is filled with many who understand the struggles that comes with depression and also recovery! Many other sites like Reddit sometimes have so many trolls and rude people who usually just go "suck it up, loser" or something unhelpful or rude.

I love the world. I love nature, hiking, geography, exploring/traveling and outer space. I feel like no matter how I die, whether voluntarily or not, I will die knowing I at least loved and appreciated the world to the best of my ability. The fact that there is always something to see/experience is something that keeps me going sometimes when things get really bad.
I also like automobiles, especially trucks, creating art, writing stories & poems, playing video games on occasion and more.

These days things've been up & down, I hope to maybe spend some time in the recovery forums to keep me going and just try each day, building up skills for when things inevitably go bad again (such is life I suppose!).
I am very happy to be here and grateful I was able to make an account! :) Hope everyone is doing well, and if not, I hope you feel, even just a little bit, better soon

 

[chokti]

Hi.

34/F/USA .

Long-time sufferer of depression, anxiety. Probably undiagnosed ADD, as well.

Current environment is chaotic, no catharsis whatsoever.

Constant illusion of relief through escapism.

I want to die, but I want to die with a clear conscience, if possible. I do fear eternal condemnation, even though I don't live my life accordingly.

I'm here, because I can relate more to people who are blunt about life's sufferings and don't try to dress it up as a gift from God.

Perhaps someday I will transmute into the loving, optimistic Christian I am supposed to be, but until then, this is where I'm at.

Cheers.

 

[Boireannach Brònach]

Hello,

I’m an early-30s lady from the southern US. Joined b/c I’ve been dealing with thoughts of suicide for about 20 years. I’ve been able to keep it relatively together and force myself to stay alive for my family (I feel like I have a duty to them). I powered through various traumas and I’m good at pretending like nothing’s wrong. In fact, until a few days ago I thought things were turning around for me. And then, well, shit hit the fan.

I’m absolutely terrified by the state of the world right now, and this is the only place where I can say “I genuinely want to die” without ending up hospitalized. I’m sure y’all understand lol.

 

[GideonVandaleur]

Casually suicidal loner since childhood and a long time lurker on this site. I've been considering emerging from the shadows to post now and then.

 

[lyles]

Only posting here now since most of my browsing has been on the other sections of the site and I am only now poking my head in, but hello! It is really nice getting to actually interact here with people who understand the sort of circumstances I am in and getting to just meet new, interesting people! :D

 

[Deadly_Intention]

Hey... I'm 34 years old, I am married and have a teenage son and also have BPD and MDD and played with suicidal thoughts and tendencies since I was about 10 years old, and have been in and out of hospital and therapy for years. I live a complicated existence to say the least, and basically I ruin anyone who enters my life.
I've actually been on this site for a few years, on and off.
I've never cared to introduce myself or participate too much cos I'm a bit of lurker and was mainly just here for informational purposes.
But since I told my only friend - my best friend and favorite person - that I think we shouldn't be friends anymore (I'm just no good for anyone in all honesty), I reckon this is the only place where I will be able to actually talk to people who may just understand what I am going through and not hate me as much as the rest of the world does.

 

[mytime]

Hello :)

I'm a young man from England. I don't have any diagnosed mental disorders, but I've nevertheless had suicideal ideations as a result of a perfectionist character trait that I developed likely because of my school experience. I never ask for help because I feel like a failure if I even consider it, and I never show how I'm truly feeling. This led me to SS, as the people here already understand what it feels like to want to commit, so I don't have to go through the turmoil of explaining to another person why I'm deficient or sub-optimal in some way. There's also lots of good information on here that has already changed my mind about a lot of things!

Hope to see you all around o/

 

[PeacefulSloth]

Hello everyone, just thought I'd say hello I've only recently stumbled across this forum and I've joined as it seems like a place where I can discuss my daily struggles with depression, anxiety and suicidal thought and ideas free from the judgment and the being looked down upon that the subject brings in any other place. I look forward to interacting and discussing stuff a lot more with everyone here.

 

[Red Scare]

Hello...

I‘m here because I haven’t been able to get over the death of my spouse. My whole life I struggled with depression. The only time I can remember ever feeling happy or loved was with my husband. As long as we were together my life had some meaning, I had something to look forward, I was taking care of myself and felt good about my life... he died last July and since then I have been more depressed than ever. On top of that I was diagnosed with ptsd because of how the circumstances of his death have affected me... I’ve never been one to respond to therapy or medication...

I was just barely accepting the fact that my life was never going to be exactly what I wanted to to be, I probably wasn’t going to have the career I always wanted, I was never going to have the relationship with my family that I wanted, I had to settle for what I had managed to achieve with what little I had been given in life.... but it didn‘t bother me so much, because I had my husband. We were in love, we had a nice home, a nice life... I had managed to do at least one thing right with my life... then he died, and I lost everything.

Now my life is nothing but a joke. I struggle to get by. I have nothing to look forward to, no reason to want to live, and I miss my husband more than any words can say. He was my best friend, the one person I felt comfortable around in this world. The one person who knew the real me, and loved and accepted me with all my flaws and short comings... without him, I just don’t even want to live. I have no desire to live out the rest of my life (another 45+ years potentially) alone without him, no desire to be in another relationship with anyone else. Nothing will ever come v,iss to what my husband and I shared. From here on, my life can only get worse.

I don’t know how much longer I can hang on here, I just know that I want to exit and wish that I had a peaceful and painless way to do so. I am too scared to do anything else and fail. I can’t stomach the thought of hurting myself, doing something that will leave a gory mess and traumatize whoever has to find me... I just wish I could go in my sleep...

 

[Sea Turtle]

Hey everyone

Been here a while, don't think I've done an introduction yet. Gosh, it's been over a year? How time flies...

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to die. Though, my memory is quite bad these days. I remember even back in high school, going home and laying in bed, crying the days away, crying until I was too tired and fell asleep, wishing I did not wake up. This lead to my first time asking for help, I told myself either I was to talk to the guidance counselor, or go home and down as many pills as I could. Though back then, there was still a portion of me who wanted to stay alive, and the decision was purely based on emotions and somewhat impulsive. This lead to a 8 hour stay in the hospital, where they didn't even have a room for me to stay in. I lay there for 8 hours on a stretcher in the hallway, staring at the wall, wishing I had just done it. I lied my way out, said no, I didn't have a plan, and went home. I was told on the car ride back, "Oh, all teenagers say they want to kill themselves!". Alright, mother.

This lead to a year in therapy, but never once the truth was told. I can't risk going to the hospital again, especially for longer. Soon after that, I discovered LostAllHope and this forum, and for once, felt more at ease. I didn't have to hide myself, I didn't have to hide my suicidal thoughts, hell, I could even say that I had a plan without fearing being taken away.

The last two years have been... hard to say the least. I have been in a long distance relationship which has mostly been good, but also opened the floodgates of my feelings. I cannot care so deeply without also hurting deeply, without also confronting my past. Recently, it's been rough and he has betrayed me, has lost my faith, hope, trust, and still continues to hurt me. Though it is likely to be the fault of me being a very sensitive person who needs a lot to function, these feelings along with my fundamental belief that life is not worth living based on the state of the world right now lead me to my first sincere plan.

I ordered SN and set a date of March 12-18, but the war between Russia and Ukraine has shut down international shipping and my last piece of hope in this world was torn right out of me. I just want to be in control, I want to have it in my hands, but again, I am sent scrambling to try to find a new source, once where I wouldn't be questioned, sectioned, or caught. That's where I am now, and that bit of me that held onto hope for life is almost completely gone. I hope to leave this cruel, hurtful world soon. I fear being caught and looking to other sources, but I am certain my will to die will soon overcome these anxieties.

Until then, I'll be roaming this forum and participating when I can. If anyone wants to connect and talk, feel free, though I'm definitely not the best at social conversations/ All I crave for is someone to truly understand, I am unsure if this is even possible.

Well, if you read this all, thank you so much. I hope you find what you are looking for in this world, be it CTB, recovery, or somewhere in between. Godspeed.

-ST

 

[Dr.Precocious]

Trauma has clamed my ability to become an "adult". Stunted as I am, I like the idea of being able to vanish when I die. Rather than leaving a messy corpse that is likely to only feed a sense of dispare, I want to leave them all asking questions. Wile I have often wished for others to understand the pains I endure, I've never truly wanted anyone to experience what I have experienced.