lili

lili

Experienced
Feb 17, 2022
236
Hi everyone

I just realized this existed as I'm trying to navigate the site trying to find what the PPH is.

I am Lili. I joined just a few weeks ago. I'm from the Caribbean. 29 years old.

Currently doing my master's.

I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder for over ten years. Although I really dislike the idea of my personality being analyzed through labels. But I guess I use it sometimes to explain my extraneous actions.

I've committed so many suicide attempts, mostly by pills, that psychiatrist doesn't want to prescribe me anymore pills. I've discovered that beyond mental illness, I am philosophically suicidal. In the sense that it doesn't matter what medications they give me, I will always believe in suicide as an option and will think of it as that. I've just grown to accept this part of me.

So I haven't been on medications recently, and it feels like a roller coaster. But I try to accept this nature of mine, and I do feel free to be who I am without having to be given medications to be able to fit into society. However, this does make my life more difficult than it should be. And I am afraid that I will keep unintentionally hurting other people. And of course whenever I do feel depressed it is very extreme, because I inherently dislike life and find no purpose in it, even when I'm not depressed.

My pessimistic attitude towards life possibly stems from a difficult upbringing, past struggles and traumas of my life. Wealth inequality, mentally ill mother, alcoholic physically abusive stepfather, sexual problems as a teenager with men in my community. Amongst others.

But most of all, the biggest tragedy for me is people who have no connection with painful suffering, how they live their individualistic lives without thinking about others. And that's why I'm happy to have found this website, because I don't feel alone, and having to put on a mask for the sake of people who want to stay in their bubbles. I think life would have been worth living more if people would open their arms more often to people like us, but it's difficult to find people in this world who are understanding.

And it's difficult for me to fit in this society in a lot of ways. I want to spread love to people more than anything, but my love can so easily turn into pain.

Thanks for this community. In a strange way it has made me more at peace to see there are so many people struggling and I am not the only one.

Although it causes me a lot of pain to read the goodbye threads. Very sad to see people go, because of how cruel this world can be.

Hugs to everyone and best wishes to all.
 
Hollowpt9mm

Hollowpt9mm

Member
Dec 22, 2021
6
Hi, I'm Heath. I'm 36, male, gay. My biggest hobby is firearms. I am not actively suicidal now, but when I think of how I want to die, I want it to be on my terms. So, when it is eventually time for me to ctb, one round to my brainstem will be the exit plan.
 
a dreaded sunny day

a dreaded sunny day

New Member
Mar 14, 2022
3
Hello. I'm a young male from Europe. I'm just tired of living in general and no distraction can fill the void. I'm still planning how to ctb, I failed on the first attempt and found myself locked in psych ward. I don't want to go through that ordeal again at any cost, so i'm trying to make sure it's more effective this time.

I'm incredibly lonely and close to a recluse, I hate going out during the day because I hate the way I look and I don't want to subject someone else to the sight of me. I've been depressed for close to two years at this point, therapy was nothing but platitudes, and family members don't understand. My "friends" have all abandoned me with one exception, and they're in a better place than I could ever hope to reach.

I probably have ADHD, I have some hobbies but i'm hopeless in all of them, and I have no chance of ever improving without concentration and hard work.

I'm glad I found this community, after being genuinely afraid to discuss ctb with a therapist or my family for fear they'd lock me up again, this is strangely liberating.

Anyway, hope to see you all around (at least, until I go through with it)
 
symphony

symphony

surving hour-by-hour
Mar 12, 2022
670
It looks like people don't actually post here that often, but here I am anyways. Idk if anyone will ever read this, but I've been lurking for a while (even before I made this account) and I've been too hesitant to actually post.

But hi, I'm Symphony, or Sym. I've dealt with severe, chronic mental illness including treatment-resistant depression for the past several years and some lesser symptoms of mental illness on and off throughout my life. I was a little kid when I first contemplated suicide. That's been a part of me for as long as I can remember.

For the time being, I'm leaving my options open. I will say I look forward to becoming more a part of this community.
 
Silenos

Silenos

Ṿ̸̄Ọ̶͂Ỉ̶͉D̴̞͝ ̴̲̐A̷̾͜W̷̪͒Ā̵̯I̵͍̅T̵̛͔S̷̗͛
Jul 25, 2020
1,042
It looks like people don't actually post here that often, but here I am anyways.
Welcome Sym. This place has its ups and downs in terms of activity, though this is the least I've seen yet. We're going through a bit of a weird time right now, both on the forum and in the world. Don't let it discourage you from posting more. 😉
 
deathbydragon

deathbydragon

take me with you
Mar 17, 2022
166
Heyo. 23, been been a user of SS since the subreddit days in 2016. Never made an account on here and mostly tried to 'get better', lmao, look how that turned out.

Quick question because I'm feeling blind - where is the search function? I've always assumed the site didn't have one, or locked it just for use by registered users, but I see mention of one in the rules and I can't find it.
 
Euthanasia

Euthanasia

Member
Mar 18, 2022
28
I came here because it was hard to bear the pain of mental illness alone.

To be honest, I want to end my life, but I can't think of a plan, so I'm wasting my time.

I wish that someone familiar with the site or with knowledge related to suicide could mentor me directly and pm me.

Even if you make a mistake, don't get angry and point out the wrong part.

I will work hard to fix it until I can do it on my own...

My name is Euthanasia and I am a 24 year old male.

Take good care of me.
 
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Tristan

Tristan

" Life is [email protected] and then we die."
Mar 21, 2022
204
Hello, joined yesterday. Is there a chatroom here? Cant seem to find it. Soz still finding my way around, like the comment above mine I have stopped believing in treatments, I pretend I take my medication but throw it away, lets see how long I can endure this, I am at my breaking point.
 
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batcountry

batcountry

Member
Mar 22, 2022
23
Hello, nice to meet you. I'm a 21 year old student and long time lurker here. All of my mental health issues stem from years of trauma. I attempted to run away many times but was always brought back home because in the place I grew up, the laws forbade running away before turning a certain age, but I somehow managed to survive to that age and could then actually leave. I had no where to go and was homeless for a while and went through even more trauma because being a homeless prostitute is a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone.

But somehow I survived and made it to where I am now. I feel so isolated from everyone around me, like my experiences are too outside the norm for anyone to understand, and it's making it really hard to keep going. I have been constantly suicidal since I was ten, but ironically enough I made an account here because I don't want to commit suicide. I am really hoping to help abuse victims with my career and that's why I don't want to die, but it's quite difficult to cope with everything because I don't have any family and very few friends who are always busy anyway.
 
charlottewilts

charlottewilts

read Dostoyevsky
Jun 15, 2019
495
Hello, nice to meet you. I'm a 21 year old student and long time lurker here. All of my mental health issues stem from years of trauma. I attempted to run away many times but was always brought back home because in the place I grew up, the laws forbade running away before turning a certain age, but I somehow managed to survive to that age and could then actually leave. I had no where to go and was homeless for a while and went through even more trauma because being a homeless prostitute is a hell I wouldn't wish on anyone.

But somehow I survived and made it to where I am now. I feel so isolated from everyone around me, like my experiences are too outside the norm for anyone to understand, and it's making it really hard to keep going. I have been constantly suicidal since I was ten, but ironically enough I made an account here because I don't want to commit suicide. I am really hoping to help abuse victims with my career and that's why I don't want to die, but it's quite difficult to cope with everything because I don't have any family and very few friends who are always busy anyway.

Welcome to SS! It's really good to hear you don't want to die, I'm so happy to hear that. I hope you will find like-minded people here, and maybe even friends! I want to be a psychologist and help people too. I was abused by my parents as well, and recently cut off my father and sister completely, and it's helped so so much. I'm sorry you had to resort to prostitution. I did that too, for a bit, and it's really mentally damaging. I hope you don't have to do it ever again. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk or need advice. I've been horribly isolated myself while I was in university too. Everybody talks about it as this time where you have lots of fun and tons of friends, but for many, it's the most lonely time of their lives. But I promise there's people out there who think similarly or even the same way as you do! I hope you're having a good day/evening..!
 
deathbydragon

deathbydragon

take me with you
Mar 17, 2022
166
Top right.

That's super weird. It wasn't showing before and pretty sure it wasn't a script blocking issue - after logging in today it showed up clear as day, noticed immediately lmao. Weird stuff, guess it gets 'activated' a short time after registering?
Thanks regardless
 
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EVA_brethen

EVA_brethen

Read "The Trouble With Being Born"
Mar 26, 2022
1
Hello all, newbie here, there's not much to say about me. I'm a 19 year old trans guy from Eastern Europe with schizophrenia; on my way to becoming a hikikomori considering the situation I'm in. There isn't a day I don't think about ending it. My hobbies are listening to music for hours and reading. Hope you are all ok 👋
 
S

Skyewalker

Member
Mar 25, 2022
5
Delurking to say hi.

I'm past 50, am from a family with some impressive psychological issues, and have seen several people fall victim to dementia. I would much rather have the choice to go on my own terms than survive for years with no quality of life (which is happening to my mother).

I had been attempting to download the PPeH on my phone and have finally succeeded despite signal slowness and network failures. I'm grateful to have that resource.

*relurking*
 
UnravelingWinter

UnravelingWinter

I wish I was a sunflower
Mar 19, 2022
210
Hi everyone,

My name is UnravelingWinter, 26/F/USA

I grew up dealing with suicidal thoughts, depression, and grief through my teens and early twenties. Severe anxiety would give me panic attacks sometimes several times a day.

Last year I attempted to take my life after two months of hell and had a NDE that's permanently changed my view of life.

Now I'm no longer depressed for the first time since my teens, but still deal with a lot of stress and existential worry. I just want to leave earth and never go back.
 
Nawww-Im-So-Done

Nawww-Im-So-Done

Member
Mar 21, 2022
5
Hello

I have read many, many posts but have only posted a few. I live with bipolar disorder and a nice assortment of other stuff. It is common knowledge that bipolar can and does affect life expectancy. That is reality. I am pro-choice.

It's great to be here with people who understand and get it and don't try to enforce their desires on other individuals whose circumstances are different.

As an aside, can I private message a moderator? I can't search yet, and am having some trouble navigating around still. I don't want to post in the wrong forum.
Delurking to say hi.

I'm past 50, am from a family with some impressive psychological issues, and have seen several people fall victim to dementia. I would much rather have the choice to go on my own terms than survive for years with no quality of life (which is happening to my mother).

I had been attempting to download the PPeH on my phone and have finally succeeded despite signal slowness and network failures. I'm grateful to have that resource.

*relurking*

Hello, I have a lot of similarities to what you are experiencing. Glad you've found resources here.
 
NorseHel

NorseHel

Tinnitus Enjoyer
Mar 28, 2022
60
Hi, I'm Hel!

I'm 25, I've struggled with RSI from my elbows down for probably two years now. then a year ago started getting similar symptoms in my lower legs. now since a few months ago, the tinnitus I've had for as long as I can remember has worsened, and brought hyperacusis with it, which is currently still low on the pain scale, but is looking to develop into severe pain hyperacusis. As a result of all the above, I've lost my job, all of my hobbies except reading, and am bit by bit losing the ability to socialize with my friends. I now spend my days sitting in my room reading or browsing the internet, waiting for the hyperacusis to become unbearably painful.

Don't want to die, but more so I don't want to endure this decline for any longer than I can bear.
I aim to be relatively active during my time here, but we'll see what happens. Feel free to reach out!
 
D

Dustys-sister

New Member
Mar 28, 2022
4
Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!
I've been dealing with depression and suicide since the 1980's. Even managed to die for 14 minutes before they brought me back. I'm in my 50's now and have a legal DNR form (do not resuscitate) that was ignored last year when my intestines burst. My kids called 911 and I died 3 times on the table but they saved me, again. My sister...my best friend...my world shot herself last September and it has deepened my desire to go.
In 5 years I've had 2 heart attacks, 5 strokes, 9 surgeries, and asking myself why am I still here?? I have a 30yr old son in prison for drugs, going to see him this weekend to let him know I love him as I have already done with rest of family. I intend to use my sister's gun with my DNR attached to me encase I screw it up.
 
S like suicide

S like suicide

Enlightened
Apr 29, 2021
1,107
I've been dealing with depression and suicide since the 1980's. Even managed to die for 14 minutes before they brought me back. I'm in my 50's now and have a legal DNR form (do not resuscitate) that was ignored last year when my intestines burst. My kids called 911 and I died 3 times on the table but they saved me, again. My sister...my best friend...my world shot herself last September and it has deepened my desire to go.
In 5 years I've had 2 heart attacks, 5 strokes, 9 surgeries, and asking myself why am I still here?? I have a 30yr old son in prison for drugs, going to see him this weekend to let him know I love him as I have already done with rest of family. I intend to use my sister's gun with my DNR attached to me encase I screw it up.
Wow....i'm really impressed,you went throught a lot and died 3 times?wow,can i ask you how it feels being dead?do you remember something?
 
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N

Nagaina

New Member
Mar 29, 2022
2
I welcome new friends and those who are generally disliked in society. Started playing with sharp things from like 8, had all stages of adolescence from hating everything around me to understanding the meaninglessness of every little tiny bitsy thing. Was kinda religious until 12, because Allah looked extremely far-fetched, like the Catholic god, so after all, I'm a God. I wish I could tell you more, but revealing yourself on the first day doesn't sound cool. Wish you luck fellas normal members of society
 
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Reactions: Dead Meat
StrangePossum

StrangePossum

Member
Dec 22, 2021
53
Hello all, nice to meet you. I am a college student from California, USA. Long time lurker, I was on the subreddit in 2017-2018 before it got banned, but this is my first time actually posting here. I have been dealing with depression, anxiety, trauma and such for a while now, but have yet to actually get any effective treatment for it. Although I'm not planning to ctb anytime soon, I am here again because it's really reassuring to know that I have a choice as to how and when my life ends, and to be in a community of people who are pro-choice. Best wishes to everyone, and hope to see you all around.
 
twinpeaks

twinpeaks

Member
Apr 2, 2022
11
Hey guys, I'm a 26 yr old woman living on the east coast USA. I love nature, old movies music and literature, vintage fashion, my family, and obviously twin peaks. I'm from WA state where twin peaks was filmed/set, and I relate on a very deep level to the character of Laura Palmer. I love this earth, I love humanity and there is so much beauty in this world but the darkness overwhelms me to the point where I can't function or really relate to other people anymore. We've been given so much by nature but a small percentage of very powerful people seem to be content with dismantling and destroying everything that makes this world and life good (even the planet itself) for short-term financial gain. I feel completely alienated from other people, I don't understand why people prioritize these fake constructs of what they think success is that are completely out of line with true human nature. I'm very unsuccessful myself by these metrics, I have no higher education, low-class upbringing, a low-wage service job, I'm ugly and feel old, can't form fulfilling romantic relationships or friendships with people anymore, no real talents or abilities to speak of. Living in a city where most people come from money and are young, beautiful, and successful just exacerbates these feelings of alienation. I am a burden on those close to me. I can't contribute to this society in any meaningful way and I've lost my desire to at this point. I hate myself so much. I've been on anti depressants since I was 8 years old (quit for good as of three years ago), in and out of therapy since I was old enough to speak, I think I'm just immune to treatment at this point and mental health professionals blame me and say I'm "treatment resistant" even though I try my hardest. I was severely emotionally abused growing up to the point where I became a shell of a person and spent a good chunk of my life in a dissociated state, time I will never get back. I am starting to lash out at my loved ones again and I really just want to end this before I lose any more then I already have. I want to go while there's still some pretense of me having "potential" I guess, less embarrassing than waiting until I'm even older and inevitably squander what little I have going for me. I think it would just be pathetic to try to change things and pretend like I'm destined for anything other than suicide, everyone expects it from me at this point. Sorry this turned into like a manifesto I have a lot to get off my chest lol, thank you to anyone who read all of this shit and I'm happy to be a part of this forum!
 
D

DeprivedofLife666

Any other childfree people on here?
Mar 28, 2022
109
Hi, finally got the motivation to introduce myself on here. I'm just gonna go by Emi because I hate my real name. I'm a 31yo female living in Donora, PA. I'm okay giving out what town I live in, it's not like I'm giving out my actual home address. About me? Well:

*Love animals, especially foxes
*Watches a little bit of anime
*Gamer even though I don't have a TON of games or newer consoles
*I love listening to metal, classical music, 8-bit, sometimes other music
*I hate listening to Golden Oldies, rap, country, any kind of gospel/church/xtian music, and Xmas songs
*I love furries even though I'm not a furry
*I love to craft with recyclable stuff and customize broken toys
*I don't work, but if I could I'd work in a library.
*I hate racism
*I don't believe in marriage, you don't need to be married to spend forever with someone because screw society
*I'm childfree, meaning I don't need or want kids in my life. EVER. I don't like kids and that's normal because screw society too.

What else? Oh I suffer from what I call bipolar depression(???) where I have short random bursts of energy and feel Goods to days where I don't want to get out of bed and constantly feel suicidal. I also have anxiety that stems from possibly ruining my life the day I decided to stay with my grandparents that I thought was gonna be temporary until I graduated high school, boy if I knew how much they were going to deprive me of my own life, I probably wouldn't want to keep fantasizing about suicide... Sometimes I wish I could meet my other half so I could get out and have the life I deserve with my dream partner, but I'm also afraid my grandparents will try to jeopardize that and make them breakup with me. :(
 
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karasu

karasu

ダメ人間
Apr 6, 2022
33
Hello, I’ve been a lurker for about 3+ months and I decided to make an account today. Reading the posts over the past few months during times when I’ve been especially struggling have been strangely helpful. Everyone’s words gave me a sense of solace in a way that I was never able to feel until I came across this forum. Opening up even a little about my feelings of long time depression, my struggles with body dysmorphia and eating disorders, my self loathing and uselessness, my anxieties, or desire for suicide to anyone in real life has only gotten me ostracized, pushed away, or hated. And although there are perhaps two people I can think of who would like to support me even if they don’t understand, I am afraid of divulging too much to them as I can end up exhausting and hurting their mental states in the process as they try to get me to ‘look past this’ and ‘believe that things will get better, especially with professional help’ (so far, it has not at all).

Anyways, here is a little bit about myself:
- mid 20s female (I feel that I am at the end of the prime of my youth…I think it is perhaps a familiar struggle that many women feel as they age especially in my culture…)
- recently came to terms with my bisexuality
- very much into gaming & anime/manga
- love food and cooking even though I struggle hard with body image and eating disorder lmao
- also love fashion and acquiring new clothes, shoes, etc despite the fact that i barely leave the house at all and if i do, it takes me hours to prepare while agonizing over my appearance
- i can become incredibly obsessed with fictional things once fully invested (games, anime series, certain characters, etc) to the point where it consumes much of my waking thoughts and i spend tons of time and money acquiring merchandise and consuming extra content (probably a defensive habit I developed to distract myself from all the negative thoughts)
- don’t consider myself to be religious but believe in spirits & ghosts, pray to deity statues when I visit temples during special occasions, and have talismans for protection and health
- I’m creative/artistic? I don’t really know myself as I never truly allowed myself to pursue art or design due to parental expectations but I’m struggling to think about things for myself at this point and people around me have said this about me.

That is all I can think of for now. Thank you for reading all the way, I hope that I’ll be able to fit in here with everyone.
 
Lullaby

Lullaby

🌙
Mar 9, 2022
414
Hi, everyone.

Not exactly new here, but also not relevant enough to be remembered. I left in 2020 due to situation improving a bit, but eventually started struggling again. I would occasionally come back to lurk, and I eventually decided to re-join.

Regardless of what I do or how I end, I missed being in a community where I could share my thoughts without being judged. It’s nice feeling like you’re not alone in what you’re dealing with.

I hope to talk more while I’m here and not be so shy about interacting with everyone.