bleedthefreak

bleedthefreak

Member
Mar 27, 2022
20
Just noticed this thread existed.

Anxiously twiddling my thumbs while waiting for my exit materials to arrive next week - it's funny that two weeks ago I was planning on having to deal with my shitty daily life indeterminately, and now that I see a light at the end of the tunnel, I can hardly make it a week. Though who knows if I'm actually going to go through with it when they arrive.

Burning my time on this site in the meantime and want to engage in conversation and stuff, though it's probably futile because I suck at it and don't have anything interesting to say. Might as well make a post anyway, if anyone wants to chat.

- mid-20s male, USA
- work in software, but have been phoning it in for quite a while now
- coming down from a 3 month long video game bender, composed mostly of fire emblem and elden ring
- been increasingly suicidal since high school but could never conjure up the motivation to prepare a method until (hopefully) now
- got really into anime/manga last year, especially enjoy hopeless depressing stuff and dark comedy
- into all subgenres of rock, especially grunge, melodic hardcore, emo, and prog rock
- enjoy the idea of DnD but failed every attempt at playing or DMing because I have zero social skills and can't think on my feet
- been trying to play instruments on and off since high school but never got any good at any of them no matter how hard I tried
- generally enjoy running and hiking, but increasingly have less energy, less runner's high, more injuries, and too much social anxiety to hike on trails with other people. So I've been doing less and less of that.
 
D

DeprivedofLife666

Any other childfree people on here?
Mar 28, 2022
109
Just noticed this thread existed.

Anxiously twiddling my thumbs while waiting for my exit materials to arrive next week - it's funny that two weeks ago I was planning on having to deal with my shitty daily life indeterminately, and now that I see a light at the end of the tunnel, I can hardly make it a week. Though who knows if I'm actually going to go through with it when they arrive.

Burning my time on this site in the meantime and want to engage in conversation and stuff, though it's probably futile because I suck at it and don't have anything interesting to say. Might as well make a post anyway, if anyone wants to chat.

- mid-20s male, USA
- work in software, but have been phoning it in for quite a while now
- coming down from a 3 month long video game bender, composed mostly of fire emblem and elden ring
- been increasingly suicidal since high school but could never conjure up the motivation to prepare a method until (hopefully) now
- got really into anime/manga last year, especially enjoy hopeless depressing stuff and dark comedy
- into all subgenres of rock, especially grunge, melodic hardcore, emo, and prog rock
- enjoy the idea of DnD but failed every attempt at playing or DMing because I have zero social skills and can't think on my feet
- been trying to play instruments on and off since high school but never got any good at any of them no matter how hard I tried
- generally enjoy running and hiking, but increasingly have less energy, less runner's high, more injuries, and too much social anxiety to hike on trails with other people. So I've been doing less and less of that.
I'm not very good at DnD either so I just play games like Skyrim lol. Nice to meet you.
 
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bleedthefreak

bleedthefreak

Member
Mar 27, 2022
20
I'm not very good at DnD either so I just play games like Skyrim lol. Nice to meet you.
Yeah since I'm no good at interacting with others I just fully immerse myself in fiction, which helps me ignore how isolated I am. I've gradually become way more of the stereotypical basement nerd/weeb over the past few years because of this. Used to be much more of a normie, but oh well.
 
D

DeprivedofLife666

Any other childfree people on here?
Mar 28, 2022
109
Yeah since I'm no good at interacting with others I just fully immerse myself in fiction, which helps me ignore how isolated I am. I've gradually become way more of the stereotypical basement nerd/weeb over the past few years because of this. Used to be much more of a normie, but oh well.
Nothing wrong with that. Normies are overrated anyways. I like talking to real people about things others consider taboo.
 
locked*n*loaded

locked*n*loaded

Enlightened
Apr 15, 2022
1,028
Hey all. Not sure what to say, exactly. I guess I'm "Locked" for purposes here. I'm 56/m/USA. I think for some time I'm probably going to be doing much more reading than posting, at least until I'm ready. Actually, I have already read many posts. So many young people with so many different reasons for being here. No judgment from me. We all have our own cross to bear. If this post isn't acceptable for this Introduction thread, I apologize, and please just delete it and maybe I can try again.

For a little background, I've thought about CTB [that's a new acronym I didn't know until reading the posts on SS (another new acronym)] for quite some time, probably better than 20 years. I've never actually tried, though. Until a little over a year ago, my mother was still alive, and I knew she needed me to help her. There was no one else to help her and she was always a great mom to me. I loved, and love, her as much as any son could. She was the last one left in my family. Over the past three years, every single person in my family, has died. Granted, I had a small family in the area where I live, but my sister died, my cousin, who was like a brother I never had, died, my last aunt by blood, died, my cousin's sister died. That was everyone. My dad died 20 years ago. Being single with no children, they were the only members of my very small world. I really don't have any friends, which is probably my fault mostly. So, I guess, what I'm saying is that I'm about as alone as anyone could be. Five or six weeks go by sometimes without even getting a phone call, and then only a robocall most often. I have one distant cousin in the area, but she is married and has her own life. I don't hear from her often. Now, to be honest, even when my mother was alive, about the only phone calls I did get were from her. My sister and cousins weren't very many years older than me right now when they died. They all had somebody to help them, including me, when they were approaching death. My mother had me to help her during the last months of her life at home, although I don't really think I was as good as I should have been. I have been helping my mom for the past 20 to 25 years really, in order for her to stay in her home. So, she had me. But being alone, I know I'm not going to have anyone, and, frankly, that's a little scary, especially if I get an illness of some kind. I know that, often, around my age, lots of things can start happening with regards to health. I don't like the idea of that happening being alone. That certainly isn't anything to look forward to.

Even before I could do any CTB, I've got things that I have to take are of, like getting my mother's estate completely settled and then I have to take care of my own things, like get a will made, things like that. I need to make sure that whatever I do have goes to something worthwhile like St. Jude's Children Hospital. or Shriner's, or something like that. It's going to take a while, but hey, I've managed to hang in there for the past 20 years or so. But, the reason for me hanging around is gone now. My days are all the same, my nights are all the same, every day is the same as the one before it. Alone. It hasn't changed in 25 years and I have no hope that it will. It isn't just the alone thing, though. I don't have any serious diseases right now that I know of, and the only mental disease that I have, I guess, is depression, but there are some other "things" that factor into the depression that I don't want to get into, at least right now. Let's just say a great deal of "inner turmoil" I've been experiencing from at least my early teens. Maybe as I post, or respond to posts, "ideas" of what might be the root of this inner turmoil might come to light. Both my parents were as good as anyone could have asked for, and basically, so was my childhood. I don't drink or do drugs, so that's not it. I was never abused. I don't have any "criminal" inclinations nor have I done any criminal acts. I don't want to talk to any therapists, and I will never take any psychiatric medications. A therapist, on their best day, could never understand what it is like to walk in my shoes. Well ,maybe there's a few out there that could, but I still don't want to talk to any of them and hear that things can get better and all that jazz. I'm not sure how I want to CTB, but I do know several ways that I won't. I'll finalize that when I'm ready and have done more research. Painless would be nice. Guess I'm a coward that way.

So, that's it for now. I'll be lurking around here whenever I get the chance and will eventually post, or respond to posts, when I feel I may have something meaningful to offer. I think I can certainly offer something on being alone, at least. I think have that market cornered. :heh: Anyway, it's really nice to be here and I'm glad I found this place. Thanks for reading my rant and may peace find each and every soul on this forum.
 
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Krieger

Krieger

ShotgunSuicide
Apr 16, 2022
55
Hello. I'm a male in my early 20's who lives on the west coast. I like gaming, reading, philosophy, long walks, animals, puzzles, and sleeping. I've been depressed for a long time and have seen psychiatrists my whole life. I'm hoping to make some friends here :D. I don't know why I havent killed myself yet but I hope I stick around.
 
A

Afrod22

Member
Apr 21, 2022
8
Hello, I am a 52 year old from the USA. I am here because I have chronic pain from a few health issues. It has gotten to the point that I am mostly bedridden, the quality of life has diminished. Doctors try and help with drugs, but I am tired of the side effects and not having a clear head, so I just deal with the pain now. I'm looking forward to meeting others that can relate to my situation and I can relate to theirs. Thank you for reading.
 
ThePhoenix

ThePhoenix

Member
Apr 22, 2022
49
Hello, been lurking for a few weeks finally decided to join.

I’m a 33 year old male from North America, suffer from depression and very low Self-esteem. I go through periods of wanting to CTB since my 20s, but talk myself out of it when I think about hurting my family and causing them even more embarrassment because of me. But it seems like every thing I do just hurts people, and lately finding it real hard to not ctb.

2021 was especially tough, year started off amazing… got married, bought a house… but went down quickly from there, got divorced in a month, ex and her family told any one that would listen I suffer from ED… lost the house soon after. Now no relationship or friends and just wondering what the point of life is.
 
ShepherdOfMyself

ShepherdOfMyself

Member
Apr 23, 2022
24
Hey, everyone. I'm a 25 year old Master's student in upstate New York. Still living with my parents, not sure if I'll find a job before I die. At this point, the big issue I'm facing is that it seems like our society (both in the US and internationally) is crumbling around us, and there's no indication that things are going to get better. I don't want to be around to see what happens next- might as well get out while things are good enough, you know. At least for the next few months though (barring the nukes flying), I'm here. In the meantime, I enjoy spending time with my girlfriend, reading, and playing video games. I'm a secret hopeless romantic, which I blame entirely on playing Mass Effect, Dragon Age, and Harvest Moon as a kid.
 
eremie

eremie

i love rainy days
Apr 25, 2022
11
hi guys! it's nice to meet you :)
i've been lurking on and off for a while and figured i should finally join the forum proper.
i'm a pre-med college student in the usa. i've dealt with self-harm and suicidal ideation for some time, but i've recently started to consider actually ending it.
my original plan was to ctb if i didn't get into med school, but i don't think i'll last that long. i'll probably go sometime in the fall semester.

until that time comes, i'm happy to interact with you all! i'm a little shy, more of a reader than a poster, but i'd like to make friends.
thanks for reading my little block of text ♡
 
NobodyKnowsMe

NobodyKnowsMe

Just biding my time
Dec 21, 2021
589
I've been lurking here since late Dec. and have started to write this so many times. It is hard to figure out what to say because I learned at an early age to not talk about feelings and to trust no one. I've never even had a true 'good friend' because I can't make myself let anyone in.

So..... just a bit to start: I'm female and in my late 50s. I had one suicide attempt when I was 15-16 years old. It wasn't a real attempt at dying (took at bunch of pain killers and sleeping pills, but not enough to kill anyone), just a way to scream about my emotional pain. Well, that was sure a mistake. My mother let me know how pathetic and weak I was to attempt such a cowardly way out of life. I already knew how to hide my feelings and thoughts most of the time and that simply reinforced it all. I've spent so many years with everything that was real locked so far inside that I'm not sure that even I know the real me anymore.
 
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MementoMori81

MementoMori81

Member
May 1, 2022
81
Hi all.

Well, I'm finally making the step from lurker in the darkness, to a bonafide forum member. I've been watching since December 2021, possibly even as far back as October 2021, and actually feel quite lucky to have found this place. The only people who can truly see the world through the lens you do, are those having the same kind, the same quality, of lived experience - for whatever reason that may be for you all.

About me; Well, I'm 41, in the United Kingdom. I'm a father, a son, brother, nephew and cousin. I have a really good bunch of mates, and my current move toward self deliverance would likely seem puzzling to anyone who doesn't understand how fragile the human mind can be. I'm former member of the British military, which of course, has left me with more than a few mental scars, but my issues go beyond that. I'll cover those in further posts, but needless to say, I'm not happy.

I'm a rugby player, weightlifter, photographer, among other things, although anhedonia has pretty much stolen my enjoyment of all.

Anyway, I'll keep this brief, just a short introduction, as I'm currently on the go here. That said, looking forward to getting to know you all, and your reasons for feeling the way you do - because hopefully it'll shed more light on my own situation.

Thanks all
 
RagingCat

RagingCat

😾
May 2, 2022
33
Hello there, I am not usually very social so I've been just browsing for a while now.
I like playing video games, D&D, board games, basically anything that helps me to kill the time so I don't stay alone with my thoughts.
I finished med school and ganna be a doctor soon if I don't get enough confidence before that to leave this planet.
I'm here to find people who understand my feelings and don't get scared when I start talking about ctb. I'm tired of locking everything in me.
 
transientflesh127

transientflesh127

Member
Apr 30, 2022
56
Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!
Greetings.
I'm done trying anymore.
I have browsed this forum a bit before registering and it has helped me grasp the reality of things. Now I know I have a choice.
 
C

CannotAnymore

Member
Apr 29, 2022
35
Hi I'm TK

Late 30's woman from the Caribbean who lives in Central FL now

Lifetime of bad events... always fought back... 2016 - 2018 were amazing years and I thought maybe life would be ok. Then it got really dark, after a failed hanging in Feb 20 I really made attempt at recovery. I did good too, then it all started going downhill again in August of last year and I still tried to keep on the recovery path but life came for me HARD and just came to terms with what I experienced and how I ended up here has made things worse.

Then my abusive ex husband enacted his plan of revenge and hurt me by using my son. I was completely blind sided and my son is my reason for breathing.

So I'm done, I'm not strong, I don't care anymore, I don't want to try anymore.

My partner who I love dearly is great but deep down I know he doesn't want to be with me he just doesn't want to hurt me. He knows about my plans, he knows I am going to use SN once I can source it. I wish he could be there, once I drink it, to hold me but if he does then society will punish him for not saving me.... so instead I have to die alone. I feel so guilty for what I am going to put him through. He is going to have to find me, he is going to have to live with whatever feelings or trauma this causes him

I am so grateful to have found this group, I have sat many times with a gun, I can't pull the trigger. Hanging is just awful when SI kicks in. I can't jump off a building or stand infront of a train. N sounds like the perfect answer, I watched those dignitas videos, when the French lady goes, oh I am going to go to sleep now and she just went, thats what I want.

I'm tired, it's been a long long 37 years and I had some really happy moments but I don't want to anymore, it hurts too much, people are awful and unkind.

Even in this group, so many young people here, so many beautiful young souls who are here. It makes me so sad. I tried so hard to be a good mom. I thought I was a good mom. The last 3 years were so hard and I tried to protect him as best I could and in doing the 'right' thing his dad just plotted against me and I had no clue. My sons life is going to be ruined. He won't even talk to me. I didn't even know this was happening. I did it all... 15 years... no help from his dad... I did this while being In a 10 year abusive situation with my mother.

So now I'm empty.... there was so much... but that was the final blow... I kept trying... but you know I just realized that it's time to go.

Hopefully I can find SN soon. I'd love to go on Sunday... Happy Mothers Day to me.
 
nixdeath

nixdeath

Member
May 3, 2022
27
18 year old trans woman. Been suicidal since I was 12 and it's only getting worse. I was never loved by my parents are a kid and it really fucked with me, still does, I think about it more now. Overall I'm just ready to end it all.
 
london333

london333

Specialist
May 5, 2022
323
Hi everyone

I have recently registered on this forum and truly find the subject fascinating. I look forward to being an active member of the community and hope my advice helps others.

Cheers
London333
 
Dead Ghost

Dead Ghost

Mestre del Temps
May 6, 2022
252
Good morning everyone,

I'm from Catalonia (Spain), I'm 44 years old and I haven't worked for more than 12 years. I live at home with my parents, I have a multiple disability due to mental disorders and peripheral vertigo. Within the mental disorders I have been diagnosed with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), TAG (generalized anxiety disorder) and developmental disorder (the famous Asperger's), and other unspecified things in relation to the above.

In my day to day I have attacks of anxiety, anger from time to time, panic, sadness, anger, .. very occasionally I'm happy for no reason (and I'm fine, I do not hit to feel happy).

Last summer I had a pretty bad time and I actually woke up wondering if it would be my last day. Since I was tired of it all, I decided to kill myself by skipping the step of killing myself ... and it worked. That's how I survived ... But everything has gotten worse both physically and mentally and I thought I needed somewhere to let go so I wouldn't have all this going around in my head and it would explode all over again.

I'm a pretty lonely person, I don't like interacting with other people. I don't know English either, so I write all this in Catalan and then go through the web translator ... I hope you'll forgive the inconsistencies in the text due to a bad translation.

My first post was some songs I put up yesterday and I've been worrying tonight (since I'm not English) about whether the lyrics might be offensive or not, as this site is located in the United States and I'm listening to the letter I do not distinguish anything. I have decided that from now on I will look at the lyrics of the songs - if I find it written - just in case.

And that's it.

Good bye
 
RandomBeaver

RandomBeaver

I eat trees
May 10, 2022
290
Hi. From Quebec Canada.

I'm so excited I've just been accepted by the mods. I used to read this forum once while when I thought a lot about death. Last time I checked this forum, the community was closed because of the news reports. I tried to join unsuccessfully.

The first time I confessed I was contemplating death was in a time of crisis. I had intrusive thoughts for months about some people I deeply loved that were no longer in my life. I was losing my mind. I was very vulnerable and I opened my heart to a police officer. Finally, the police officer attempted to charge me with deaths threats I never made and he destroyed my reputation. I was forced to be hospitalized and everything became worst.

At first I became diagnosed with pre-psychosis (whatever that means). Than borderline personality disorder. Than bipolar type II. Than schizoaffective disorder. Than immature personality disorder (that's not even present in current day literature). And in my last stay there, multiple personality traits I'm not even aware I've got. I've tried multiple medications, none working for me.

I've come to think that psychiatry is a broken system in many ways. It can be highly subjective in its interpretation of what constitutes a spectrum of disorders.

While in hospital, I personally found people there more humans than anyone else. Sure we all got our own challenges, but I can hardly relate to what we call normal people.

The last three years have been really though for me. The worst part so far have been my cognitive impairment because of depression. I used to be an active computer scientist being proficient in highly sophisticated systems. Nowadays, I can hardly write English without hours to think what I'm writing.

Sharing my thoughts about death is not easy for me. I've been traumatized by forced hospitalization treats and denying the remaining dignity I had: my basics rights. I hope that we can encourage one another and be open about our struggles.

RandomBeaver
 
novem

novem

Student
May 9, 2022
128
Hi. I am a 39yo gay man from Eastern Europe.
I had a decent life up until the pandemic began when i lost my income and agreed to take a bad job (out of fear to be in trouble) where i injured my body.

Since then doctors tried to fix my torn joints and ligaments but medicine cannot do miracles, it hurts me to do any sort of job. I am still waiting for another surgery but it is the one with low success rate, so it is more for "at least i tried", although might bring additional permanent pain instead.
My family is helping me to survive but i became a burden to them and it cannot last much longer. I've been grieving about my injured body for more than a year, crying every day (i had never cried before like a girl). It hurts me to sit and type on a keyboard. Laying down feels the more comfortable.

Before pandemic I had started learning computer science and user interface design but now i have no motivation to make a project portfolio. This type of job requires long sitting and deep concentration as well as wrist movements. All of these cause me pain and i lose concentration. I have to interrupt myself and walk after 10-15min and then try to recall what i was working on and where i left. My mental state turned into regular sessions of self-pity recalling the past and choosing a time to start life over. Of-course it is impossible but it lets me talk to myself and the pain does not bother that much when i cry (still don't know what to do about crying).

I don't have many friends that i still have contact with, just one o two, and i feel that i bore them because my situation is not changing.
If i was more careful i would probably live another 10-15 happy years without any serious medical problems. But now i feel like i lost my chance.
There is nothing in my life that brings joy. I've been thinking about ctb for a while and i feel that the only way to escape my constant pain is ctb.

I am glad i stumbled upon SS, it let me realize what ctb is all about and see what are the options.
Hope i did not annoy anyone with details in my story.
 
SantaTeresa

SantaTeresa

Member
May 10, 2022
40
Hi, I'm a praying mantis that recognised its failure to adapt.

A mix of drama prone family, physical and sexual abuse, traumas, mental problems, disease, and failure at school and life in general, led me here to seek an alternative. Although quite nihilistic, I wasn't suicidal until the last couple of years when problems, imperatives of life, responsibilities, expectations, and sadness ended up catching me.

Still undecided and puzzled, I would like to exchange opinions, learn methods of "self removal", and read testimonies of unsuccessful individuals that dared to cross the line.

Currently locked up, I search for interior peace to decide what's next, and do the right thing for once. The topic that interests me the most is VSED, the experience sounds rather painless and spiritually fulfilling. One thing is for sure, I won't make any decision on a whim.

Peace.
 
Fireheart

Fireheart

Member
May 13, 2022
13
Hello everyone,
F 23 here,
Been a lurker for a while now. I first came to this website after seeing the NYT post. I've been suicidal for a long time and was looking for methods. Thats what led me to this site. But when i read some threads and messages I realized the NYT article wasn't really accurate. I've noticed the people here are really nice and trying to help others And I'm hoping that I can connected with some of them before it my time to finally ctb.

Hope every has a nice day.
Sim
 
fangface

fangface

beast monster thing
May 11, 2022
13
hello :)
new here, been lurking for a little while and decided to make my own account. it's very difficult for me to talk about how unstable i am but i'm hoping the chance to be honest on here without much judgement from others will help me with that. i live with bpd, cptsd, adhd, an eating disorder, and a self-harm addiction. earlier this year i turned 18 and i don't intend to make it to my next birthday; i guess that's the simplest way to word it.

every day it's getting harder to wake up. i cope mostly through listening to copious amounts of music or sinking hours into pokémon, which has been my biggest interest since i was a child. late last year my family adopted a puppy that i spend more time caring for than i spend caring for myself, and i love her dearly.

being chronically suicidal is a fucking nightmare.