W

whywere

Enlightened
Jun 26, 2020
1,775
Hello everyone,
F 23 here,
Been a lurker for a while now. I first came to this website after seeing the NYT post. I've been suicidal for a long time and was looking for methods. Thats what led me to this site. But when i read some threads and messages I realized the NYT article wasn't really accurate. I've noticed the people here are really nice and trying to help others And I'm hoping that I can connected with some of them before it my time to finally ctb.

Hope every has a nice day.
Sim
HELLO! So nice having you here with everyone. YES! We are a close-knit group, I like to call everyone my family, since I have no family nor friends, and I feel like we are a fantastic group of caring, loving and so thoughtful souls.

Again, WELCOME! and nice to make your acquittance.

Have a great upcoming weekend.

Walter
 
T

Tuggafradga

Member
May 25, 2022
5
Hi! Im new here and a bit confused. I was informed there would be a search feature? I cannot see that anywhere on this site. Has it been removed? Or do i have to have been active for a certain amount of time to have it be available to me?
 
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beefbaby

beefbaby

meh.
Aug 12, 2021
30
Hi Everyone! :hug::heart:

I'm not new or anything but I have mostly been a lurker here for awhile. I found this website from the NYT times post after realizing the subreddit was banned.

I am 38 y/o, from California, and have struggled with depression and addiction issues for most of my life. I'm mostly on this site to meet new friends and seek out support for suicidal thoughts.

Feel free to dm me anytime. Byeeeeeeee!

:sunglasses::hug::smiling::heart:
 
Graham

Graham

Student
May 28, 2022
148
>be born
>dope
>already have a sister so I got toys for days
>dope
>grow up in a shitty neighborhood
>not dope
>school is kindergarten- grade 12
>get beat up for Pokémon cards on the daily
>older sister protects me, sometimes
>get bullied lots, as chubby kids do
>find out parents kinda hate each other
>every christmas was a lie
>got n64 though so whatever
>dad starts making more money
>MoOoOOoooovin out the ghetto
>move to safe secluded neighbourhood
>start stealing their Pokémon cards
>just kidding
>everyone is sacred of me cuz I’m “hood tuff”
>have great middle school life
>new challenger approaches
>jr high
>my outer family starts dying off like fleas
>only see them once a year, not traumatized
>parents start drinking and fighting
>great school life, horrible home life
>mr popular at school
>mr hide in my fucking room at home
>new challenger approaches
>high school
>get deep into drugs
>full blown drug addict at 16
>fuckwithmenowdad.jpeg
>kicked my dads ass twice
>sister is angel
>her life story is on the Disney channel
>barely graduate
>sister moves to Thailand
> k peace
>try to CTB and succeed
>just kidding I woke up
>(5 years of foggy drug filled memories)
>get sober, but my mind is gone
>start going a little crazy
>full blown legal drug addict at 22
>start going a little...nothing
>ditch the pills, become a rapper
>release 3 albums
>go on tour across Canada
>start molding a life I can’t mentally handle
>hermit mode
>lost my rap group
>lost my friends
>try to CTB, succeed a second time
>just kidding I woke up from that time also
>mom n dad hate me, I assume, who knows
>sister sippin mojitos in Thailand
>can’t hold a job
>start selling drugs so I can afford a room
>I’m done selling drugs
>youprobablywouldnthireme.jpeg
>struggle everyday to not go postal
>stay inside all day so im the only one at risk
>self medicate once in awhile
>rinse and repeat for 2 years
>I’m done being a burden
>September 2018 set to be last month
>find this place
>make intro post
>reply to you
>leave out countless other things I don’t even want to share with strangers.
That’s a life
 
ineverlived

ineverlived

Member
May 31, 2022
37
Hi. 22M here. I have been lurking for a long time and now i wanted to be a part of the forum as my ctb day is coming. I've been thinking about suicide since I was 15 years old and since then I've been passively destroying myself. I am an ugly person with no social skills. i hate crowd, sun, light and work. and also i live in a sh*tty country. that's it i guess.
 
Senseless

Senseless

Member
Jun 2, 2022
8
Hi,
I am a 54 year old woman from Germany. So sorry for my bad english.
Ever since I gave my mother euthanasia about 30 years ago, I've been depressed and have an eating disorder. Now there are also physical complaints and I want to be prepared.
 
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apple2myeye!

apple2myeye!

it/its
Jun 3, 2022
18
hi!! i've been lurking here for a few months, but i was too nervous to actually make an account on here until very recently. i guess i just needed a push...

call me apple, i guess. i'm 21 years old and currently residing in florida (god help me). i've been struggling with physical and especially mental health problems pretty much my whole life, and they've only gotten worse with time. they are pretty much completely unbearable! they make living a total fucking chore. it genuinely feels like my body is a fucking torture chamber. i refuse to rot away in a nursing home 60 years from now, and i'm not the least sorry about that. i've had a plan to ctb for a while now, but it's never come to fruition. hopefully someday it will, though...!

please use it/its pronouns when referring to me!!! long story short, those are just the pronouns i'm most comfortable with. (i'm amab, if you're wondering.)

see you around!
 
chyme

chyme

churning, churning
Jun 5, 2022
17
I was sure my most recent suicide attempt was going to be my last. I disabled my previous SS account beforehand. I won't bother going into the details, but things didn't work out.

At this point I'm as burnt out on trying to die as much as I am trying to live. Since my last attempt I've been trying to get my life together for a change. I don't know how long I can keep going like this, but I've made it this far somehow.

Regardless of what happens from here, it's nice to meet you all. I've missed SS a lot throughout the few months I was gone. There's really nowhere else like it.
 
J

James777

Member
Jun 6, 2022
26
Hi 18 from the UK, really screwed my life up. I got accepted to the 3rd best uni in Europe to do a really competitive course, I made it past the 2 entrance exams, predicted grades and interview all to get a place in the most competitive year. Now I just had to get the grades at A level. They are currently happening literally have 1 today at 1:30 but I messes it up I self destructed and did little to no proper work these last few months and far from A*AA I may not even get BCC, I'm scared. I opened up to others but I have just been berated (reasonably so) I don't want advice on getting better. Should I screw these exams these schools don't accept resists. I've tried help suicide holiness counselors etc... I have tried to die once failed, even worse of now. Pls help me
 
A

alKokNo

Member
Jun 1, 2022
9
Hello. Alex, 28, Russia. I don't know what else to say about myself. confused in life and it warms my soul that I can be among people who will not condemn for my choice. thank you friends, I hope we all find the peace we are looking for
 
NoLifeNoPain

NoLifeNoPain

Dinosaur
Jun 17, 2018
1,540
This prehistoric member is back. This is my first post on this forum after years of absence.

Hello everybody! This is my re-introduction. I'm the guy that made that "how to hang yourself thread". Many of you probably thought I was dead. No, I was only serving "virtual jail time" due to some very bad messages that I wrote years ago on a "meme or joke" thread I think. Haha. Not yet dead! I do plan on doing it again if I ever get even more physically damaged than I am now.

I didn't die but I had a failed attempt that left me with some brain damage, unfortunately. I have what appears to be a speech disability, a condition that doesn't allow me to "speak" from time to time, it's a called a stammer I think, but I don't actually know for certain if the hanging did it, or something else, but it's what I'm betting on since I didn't seem to have that problem before attempting.

I'm also really concerned for the future of this forum. Back when I was a part of this community, we didn't seem to get much attention from authorities and media, but that seems to have changed. Hopefully this forum find a way to stay online forever, and no one in it goes to jail. Hopefully I don't go to jail for that thread either. I hope my stupid 17 year old and half self didn't explicitly tell anyone to kill themselves. Back then my English sucked even more than it sucks today, so I could've worded some thoughts I had back then the wrong way...

I wonder how many of the old members are still here. I can still remember some nicknames...
 
C

ConstantPain

Sorry but cats are so much better than people
Jun 9, 2022
124
Hi, I'm new here but have contemplated suicide for as long as I can remember. I'm married (unhappily), don't have kids, and work full time despite having multiple autoimmune conditions that cause constant pain. More than anything, I want it all to end sooner rather than later. No one has any idea I feel this way because I go through life acting and it's exhausting. I'm grateful to have this outlet, to have a place where I can be honest and myself. Working from home, I don't even like to go anywhere anymore and wish I could just be alone with my kitties. My husband is a narcissistic alcoholic but I don't have the money to move out on my own. My last hope is for a terminal illness and I wish so much that I could take one away from someone who wants to live.
 
4damant

4damant

New Member
Jun 9, 2022
2
Hello from southeast asia! I guess I'd wanna be here to learn more about people from around the world. It's nice to have a site to be able to discuss the taboo matters (relative to society at large) here. No immediate plans to CTB, but I've just grown weary of life and the suffering it entails to everyone on this space rock.
 
thankyouforthis

thankyouforthis

Member
Jun 13, 2022
25
Hi! I'm new. Been eavesdropping on y'all for a while, though. Been suicidal off and on since I was maybe 12 or 13. Sometimes I foolishly think things are getting better and I try to put it all behind me, but inevitably things fall apart again. I have SN but I think I may have gotten ripped off because the main SN post says that it should say on the packaging how pure the stuff is, and mine doesn't say that. So I don't even know if it's potent enough, on top of which that post says you need other thing(s)-- at the very least, some kind of very strong anti-nausea thing so you don't vomit. I don't have that. So I don't even know what to do now with this SN that probably won't work, but also might not be safe to throw away...Just burnt myself with a cigarette but that doesn't "help" as much as it used to (and yes I know it doesn't actually help at all, fuck you very much).

Anyway, hi.
 
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thankyouforthis

thankyouforthis

Member
Jun 13, 2022
25
Hi, I'm new here but have contemplated suicide for as long as I can remember. I'm married (unhappily), don't have kids, and work full time despite having multiple autoimmune conditions that cause constant pain. More than anything, I want it all to end sooner rather than later. No one has any idea I feel this way because I go through life acting and it's exhausting. I'm grateful to have this outlet, to have a place where I can be honest and myself. Working from home, I don't even like to go anywhere anymore and wish I could just be alone with my kitties. My husband is a narcissistic alcoholic but I don't have the money to move out on my own. My last hope is for a terminal illness and I wish so much that I could take one away from someone who wants to live.
Hi! I feel for you a lot. I, too, have medical issues, and one of the things that keeps my going is the thought/hope that one might get severe enough to kill me before I have to muster the courage to ctb. I was also, years ago, in a terrible relationship I couldn't afford to leave; but, if it makes you feel any better, I decided eventually to just stop worrying about the money and fucking RUN FOR IT and I'm grateful I did. Even though I'm still suicidal, I recognize my life is so much better without that toxic, oppressive presence in it-- even though I am in much more dire straits now financially. Give it a think and, either way, know that I and others are here for you!
 
C

ConstantPain

Sorry but cats are so much better than people
Jun 9, 2022
124
Hi! I feel for you a lot. I, too, have medical issues, and one of the things that keeps my going is the thought/hope that one might get severe enough to kill me before I have to muster the courage to ctb. I was also, years ago, in a terrible relationship I couldn't afford to leave; but, if it makes you feel any better, I decided eventually to just stop worrying about the money and fucking RUN FOR IT and I'm grateful I did. Even though I'm still suicidal, I recognize my life is so much better without that toxic, oppressive presence in it-- even though I am in much more dire straits now financially. Give it a think and, either way, know that I and others are here for you!
Thanks for the support and good for you for getting out! I know I'd be better off leaving but I never have the energy to even start. It would mean moving back to my home state with a lot of stuff and 3 or 4 cats, relying on other people to help, changing jobs, and so on. Laying down on RR tracks or getting in a high speed crash seem so much easier. Better yet, a terminal illness instead of just the ones that cause me pain would be best case scenario. Hope your pain level is closer to the bottom of the scale today! 🤗
 
D

degournay

Member
May 19, 2022
6
I've permanently lost an important function. It happened nine years ago because of a prescription drug. I am in midlife. I have never felt quite at home in the world. I have a mental health condition which I've worked at managing. These circumstances might not be apparent in person.

I like books, film, art, music and food. Also science.

When my father (ז״ל) was around 53 and I was around 10, he said he was ready to "pack it in." I am approaching that age and I feel something similar. Years later, in a deep depression he attempted suicide but was discovered and resuscitated. Years after that, he died of a terminal illness.

I am pondering exit as an idea. Good to have discovered the PPH and this forum. Clearly there is compassion here.
 
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Shahir

Shahir

the biggest salvation would be never being born
Apr 15, 2022
8
do u guys think it would be ideal for people to be able to commune with people from around where they are? for me, the problems i face, if i could meet with some alike minded people from where i am, i think it would potentially help me a lot to the extent of even rethinking about ending it all.. after all, human connection can do magic.

i think for most of us, we are really stuck in a position where we feel tremendously lonely and misunderstood and thus see ourselves better off not existing. but could that not change given proper and similar minded human contact from our locality?

as for me, im an Ex-muslim living in a hugely muslim dominant South-East Asian region. during my journey to be becoming an ex-muslim I've gone through many traumatic experiences and eventually it left me with the realization of the wasted past few decades of my life and most of the people i got to know throughout my life, all led to dead ends, including my 4years relationship with this extremely pious hijabi girl whom i had given all of my heart, eventually even in the "fiance" phase just to be abandoned by her for my apostasy and shortly after her marrying some other pious bloke(as i could not and cannot be my present own self around them anymore, which is an extremely agonizing lonely feeling extinguishing any will to live at all).

i doubt i can ever build any more relationship with anyone with a similar mentality to mine as they are rare in these parts and it breaks my heart. on top of that, being an INTP makes it more so difficult to actually seek any help at all(I'm not ill, do not need therapists, i need ordinary human beings in my life that are considerate, okay and accepting to just as who i am -and thats far from a possibility given my overall surrounding.

so i was thinking, most of us in this site are broken in some way or the other. and most of us are somewhere deep within in search of a salvation in vain. would it hurt to explore the possibility nonetheless? I'm sure there are people around from where i am some of which have their own stories and many of us could have a chance to potentially live a happy life with troubled individuals feeling lost i the facade of "normality".

no one really want to end their existence. situations force us to want to not exist
 
friendofbirds

friendofbirds

Member
Jun 6, 2022
50
just realized i never introduced myself formally. im 24 and i live in the usa. i love the muppets and i love birds... if any of you need someone to pray for you just dm me and i will do so.

knowing i will ctb makes me feel so lonely, but this place makes me feel less so. it is nice to have eachother. i feel so estranged from others. i wish i could tell them without fear of being stopped.
 
BEATNGU

BEATNGU

Bone collector
Jun 15, 2022
28
I guess I should post here. My name is unimportant. I am twenty-nine and live in the states. I am a recovering amnesiac. I can not recall anything from nineteen to a month after turning twenty-eight. My suicidal nature surfaced afterwards when I came to the revelation that every family member I had met their end during that time leaving me the last of my line. Now I live alone, work nights and rarely leave my home for little else outside of work and a personal hobby. Been playing Russian roulette on and off for about a year until now. I have found other coping mechanisms recently but, like most here, I contemplate suicide nearly every day.
 
redeyepiranha

redeyepiranha

Member
Jun 22, 2022
11
I’m 20 and female, live in Russia, medical student, leading pretty good life by human standards. The thing is I don’t like living, I hate unpredictability and life is uncertain. I don’t want any life, even If I was famous, super rich, had the love of my life, I’d still prefer nonexistence. Every day feels like a chore and I’m tired of living for others, because suddenly suicide is selfish.
 
Rd2nowhere

Rd2nowhere

Silly Tulip is a color.
Jun 16, 2022
52
Hello everyone I am 52 and live in the states. I have been reading post and hanging out in the chat room as a fly on the wall.

I was diagnosed bipolar I and have not handled it well. I am agoraphobic and have not been able to leave my house for over a year. Because of medication I am not functioning like I did. I hate my life and miss the person I was.
 
A

AHeartGoneGray

New Member
Jun 25, 2022
1
I'm a middle aged lady living in the US. I used to chat in an irc network similar to this community, and I eventually left there thinking I would never feel this way again. Here I am, feeling this way again. I've stood at the bus stop a long time because a sibling was murdered and I didn't want to hurt my family even more. Then suddenly my other sibling had a child, whom I helped raise. Then that sibling got a traumatic brain injury that basically means ctb would just heap more suffering on top of all this.

I'm privileged in a lot of ways (I say as I sit in my living room whose window has a bullet hole in it thanks to some random angry person who didn't care what they hit as long as they got their targets, which they did). I have insurance. I have what appears to be a support system. I'm not alone in the world. At the same time, there is none among those people that I can talk to about how empty and desolate I feel without raising alarm bells and causing distress. It feels bad to feel bad. I have a home. I have pets. I have people who love me. Still, I am alone with the realization that I have failed at life. I have failed at being a useful and productive human being. The world isn't against me or anything; I'm just a garden-variety fuckup. It's nice to know that nobody here will tell me how I am wrong and selfish to feel this way, or that I have so much to live for. Or the dreaded "think of how your loved ones will feel!" Of course I think of how they would feel. If I didn't think of that, I'd have got on the damn bus already, many moons ago. Anyway, enough rambling. I'm sorry I'm here, but I'm glad to be among compatriots.