• Hey Visitor,

    In light of recent events, all community members in the US should reach out to their representative in regards to the Stop Online Suicide Assistance Forums Act that has been introduced in congress. This bill, if passed, could criminalize this community and hold it liable for simply hosting information.

    You should be able to locate and contact your represenative by going to this website. You can also contact Lori Trahan, the one spearheading this bill by calling her office at (202) 225-3411 or by leaving a message on the contact form on her site.

    One of the best ways to combat this is to make your voice heard. We're not political activists, but we made this notice to let you know that you do have a voice and that you do have representives that represent you in congress.
crowbait

crowbait

Member
Oct 4, 2022
18
I guess making an introduction would be good. It's nice to be here. I'm a 21 year old student from Canada, bisexual and androgynous. In my third year old of killing time with an English degree to become a librarian or editor or something in the event I stick it out. BPD, PTSD, autism, recovered "atypical anorexic", typical neglectful shitty childhood with parents fucked up from their own neglectful shitty childhoods so now I'm a shitty young adult barely making it by. I even had a stint in homelessness this spring that deeply traumatized me! When I'm not occupied with my own death I like folklore, weird animals, literature, forests, and collecting knick-knacks. I've stuck around because of my friends, my cat, and music I haven't listened to yet. But I've listened to a lot of music this year, and my cat is 13 and unwell, and my friends are going to be just fine.
 
Anon1337

Anon1337

Experienced
Oct 1, 2018
291
Problems started when I was 13. I was unable to make friends at my new school and was subsequently isolated, looked down upon and treated badly. Often, I would not eat lunch or eat it in the bathroom to avoid the embarrassment of eating by myself every day. It remained like this until I finished school. Those years destroyed my self confidence and mental health.

Once I finished school, I went to college for a short period. This is when I became very depressed and suicidal. I couldn’t deal with the stress of college. I dropped out and was NEET for a long time. After I dropped out, I came to the realisation that I would never be able to live a normal life. Since then I have seen many psychiatrists, psychologist and therapists. I have been on multiple anti depressants. Nothing helped.

This is a vague introduction. There is a lot more to it. I wish I could tell you everything.
 
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jjwtn26

Member
Oct 7, 2022
18
Hello everyone. I am 26 and a male. I used to like to garden and read and watch tv. Now i'm mostly bored all the time. The only time I actually enjoy myself is when I spend time with my mom which is about once a month or so.

I also hate going to work and going out in public.
 
IntoTheLight

IntoTheLight

Member
Oct 11, 2022
47
Hi - I've had absolutely everything going for me last year in October, and then fucked everything up. Had the opportunity of a lifetime and declined it due to anxiety. Psychiatric medicine then destroyed me. I'm suffering from a whole range of health issues now and fucked up relationships, was suffering from akathisia, benzo withdrawal, my mental capacity is shot. I've withdrawn from everyone in my life and can't talk to anyone about what really happened. I went from being a happy and successful person to an absolute shell of my former self, and I don't see any way back. Whenever I wake up I have a short moment where I forget that this is my life now, and then reality sets in and I despair.
 
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pinkroses444

Member
Oct 9, 2022
19
Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!
Hi, I’m new here, I’m 19 and struggling with heavy BPD tendencies not received evaluation yet but if anyone can relate and share I would appreciate that
 
mindless

mindless

Member
Oct 10, 2022
7
Hi folks! I'm an early 30s guy from europe. Been reading on here for the last few days. Its special to see people openly discussing their feelings on these subjects. I say special because ofcourse it isn't great so many of us are feeling this way. Reading does make me feel less alone with these thoughts though.

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for quite a few years now. Despite therapy I just keep finding life isn't for me.
I lost interest in the things I once cared about
, lost the person I think I once was. Like so many I feel like there just is no good reason to go through all this trouble called life, just feeling terrible all the time.

Maybe I can at least learn something here.

Anyways, thanks for being around! I wish you all the best.
 
necrolatry

necrolatry

Spare me a tomorrow
Oct 15, 2022
7
Hey everyone. I've been lurking around for a while and decided to make an account yesterday.
I'm a 20 year old male from Central Europe, struggling with depression and anxiety as long as I can remember. I've lost my love and only close person due to suicide a "long" time ago and things haven't been great since then. I've been in an abusive relationship afterwards which also left me quite wounded. Despite wanting to leave just a week in, I couldn't because of my attachment issues. Both things are leaning towards trauma. I try to find my way through life, even if it knocks me down day by day. I'm glad a place like this exists, as suicide is a forbidden topic for most. I'm not imminently suicidal but I also don't trust myself not to due to my impulsiveness.

A bit more about myself:
I'm an endlessly overworked software developer, a metal fan and an alcoholic.

If anybody wants to chat feel free to reach out to me. I have no limits to talk about.

Lots of love and I hope to talk to some of you soon!
~ necrolatry
 
ItsForTheBest

ItsForTheBest

Kate Bush ❤️
Oct 11, 2022
71
Late to the party but I'm here to make a party before becoming late.

Context. SS got me through years of suicidal depression. I would log on here to read for hours about methods and risks and do all that inner calculus, and test methods and quietly soothe myself by listening to very depressed people saying very depressing things, bc, you know it was articulating all my rage and terror and agitation so well. I grew to love and depend upon this community, even though you had no idea who I was or that I existed. Here was a haven. It allowed me to entertain and play out fantasies, enact them carefully and without completing. The protection from complete isolation this forum afforded certainly prolonged my life, and while that's a mixed blessing, I look back with some gratitude and satisfaction that I've been able to come so far.

So thank you.

I'm very happy and grateful that I'm no longer as suicidal as I've been in the past. It's such a blessing to feel better than before. To have days of hope. There are still off times: I created this profile a couple of weeks ago when I was ideating again, but that spell was no longer a norm. Due credit: I've been helped tremendously by those around me even incl pharma (gasp) - even when I was behaving my worst and felt unlovable and unworthy and too broken to possibly fix.

But here's the thing. While finally having the capacity to step up and post here, part of me now feels like an imposter. There is still so much misery - stuff that I can relate to but no longer feel, and stuff that's simply beyond my comprehension. So I won't be posting on topics which are too heavy. I want to be a little light here for a bit, without intruding on those pains I cannot and should not presume to deny. I hope there's a place for that.

And when it comes, I pray my suicide will no longer driven by anguish, but by rationality. I'm so blessed to have that luxury now.

Love to all.
 
Akakuro

Akakuro

New Member
Oct 6, 2022
2
Hi, I guess I'll introduce myself somewhat.

The first time I tried to take my own life was around 12, it was a very silly method and didn't work out at all. Later I started cutting. Eventually tried to somewhat haphazardly cut my wrists but didn't really have the power to cut deep enough. Eventually I tried pills which landed me in the hospital and the psych ward. Had lots of therapy in my life. I'm definitely at a better place now, but my suicidality never went away. There is always this part of me that knows not living would be better than trying to improve, trying to get better, trying to live out my life.

I'm fairly new here, mostly read and still am getting my bearings.

<3
 
Maudlin

Maudlin

Experienced
Dec 10, 2021
290
First time I tried to off myself I was 12. I went for a long drop into a stairwell, thinking a broke neck would be quicker/less painful than asphyxiation. I wanted to talk to God... face to face. The 2x4 I was tied to broke loose and I busted up my ankle pretty bad. That kept me from trying again, for a while. The next time I was also 12. A box of comtrex... I woke up anyway.

I "grew out of it" and didn't try again. I'm almost at the half century mark now, having picked up a few "self harm" habits along the way. Here I am, miserable... hoping by seeing the misery of others I can reflect and perhaps grow out of the spot I find myself in now... much the same as the spot I was in decades ago. Or, achieve what I failed at so spectacularly in my youth. Looking back, I realize I truly knew nothing of pain back then, physical or emotional.

Now I know both, intimately.

I am told I am toxic. Mostly, I agree- though I usually care little for the opinion of others.
 
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petteri

Member
Jan 5, 2020
5
In my 30s. I have a medical condition that is incurable, but won't kill you. It just sucks the life out of you. Been a member here for a couple of years, coming back once in a while. At some point I will very likely CTB or at least that's the current trajectory.

It's nice to have this community!
 
A

AutumnFire

Member
Oct 12, 2022
16
Hi.. I’m female, in my 40s from Southern Uk. I have EUPD but recently left full time psychiatric therapy for it.. long story… I know I can’t be helped! And am broken even too broken for therapy. Just found out my dad probably has terminal cancer and we have a very complex relationship but does anyone else welcome bad news just like it’s another extra push to make ctb easier?
 
K

knightxenon

Hope fading
Nov 5, 2022
15
hello i am 29m i have autoimmune disease which has left me disabled now i cant work nor earn money,my dad supports me although we are in debt due to my surgery expenses,i dont know how much longer i will be able to continue in life if i cant work eventually one day either i will die hungry or ctb
 
Lavender Dreams

Lavender Dreams

serial vapist
Nov 5, 2022
18
Hi. If I was to describe myself, from the outside I'm a somewhat accomplished person, software dev, photography and cat enthusiast.

In my personal life, I've been playing a game of "would you rather" since 5 years old. Years went by, I kept masking and enduring abuse from various people. Made it out fully recently, grew hopeful and gave living a fair chance to end up being consecutively hurt and disappointed.

I discovered this community when I realised I don't have much future to live for, little energy left to improve the prospects, and that living for myself purely isn't enough. Hoping to successfully cbt after the new year.

Best wishes to everyone!
 
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basementascender

Member
Nov 5, 2022
13
Hey there, I'm non-binary and in my early 30's. Aside from depression (obviously?), I suffer from anxiety and am somewhere on the ADHD and autism spectrums.
I first learned about this site a little over a month ago when I was "casually" researching methods and I came across that NYT article which mentioned the forum.

I'm actually typing up a "depression narrative" right now (which is exhausting) but I will keep it brief here:

I've been suffering from depression for over a decade, probably starting around high school? I've taken several anti-depressants and mood-stabilizers since then but none of them have ever *really* worked - the most I can hope for is that they minimize, or at least reduce, my suicidal ideation, at least for a time.

But my depression and endless self-loathing have never really gone away and in fact have only gotten worse in the past year, including far more frequent and severe ideation. I've also made a litany of poor choices, especially recently, that have made me feel trapped and helpless, even moreso than usual, and I'm not sure how to escape. That said, I did just start seeing a doctor to prescribe me ketamine, after looking for it for years, so I guess we'll see if that helps any, but even now there's a not-insignificant part of me doesn't even want it to work - which is concerning (but relatable, I'm sure).

I've never made an attempt, despite "casually" researching methods on-and-off for a decade, but am increasingly becoming more comfortable with the fact that my death would cause my parents a lot of grief. (I also only started seriously self-harming this year.)

(That's the thing that's always stopped me (aside from not being very resourceful): even if I don't get along with them all that much, and they undoubtedly caused me a lot of trauma (although not much in the realm of ACEs), I can only imagine what losing a child does to someone, and not only do I have empathy for that, the fact that my parents have raised me and given me so much makes me feel a degree of compassion and even closeness towards them, and am thus wary about hurting them. So the fact I'm getting more comfortable with this is concerning to say the least, but in another sense it's freeing: I used to lament and feel trapped by the fact that I was so depressed and unhappy yet so unwilling to end my life by my own hands. That said, I don't want to romanticize being suicidal. I end up crying all the time and rarely have energy to do anything productive or be in the present moment.)

So that's what brings me here. Tbh, at the end of the day I don't know if I have that much confidence in the fact I'll go through with anything (I gather "ctb" is the shorthand for this, just based on the posts I've seen?) but I still feel a certain pull to be here.
 
SectOfValtiel

SectOfValtiel

Attendant of God
Nov 7, 2022
133
o/

I'm 25, male, I like horror (hence the Silent Hill references) but Im also a coward
Ultimately just an unimportant, forgettable, miserable pile of flesh and discomfort that shouldnt have made it past adolescence if were being honest here

Diagnosed with major depressive and social anxiety but that might be subject to change soon, well see
 
Exact Change

Exact Change

A life of mistakes
Nov 6, 2022
60
Hello,
I'm glad to have recently joined the site. After reading through many posts, I can see the community here is a far better group of people than the 'friends' on my FB. Without sounding too pathetic...I struggle with alcoholism and battle with waves of depression. I've made one attempt and constantly debate with myself if I will make another. I think the people here, who share many of the same pains and struggles, also share a connection and an understanding.
 
niiina

niiina

🌸
Aug 20, 2022
234
Hey!

I’m a 30yo Brazilian female, I’m stuck with a severe depression and anxiety, so atm I’m not really able to enjoy anything in life, any feelings of enjoyment were erased by the depression by now.
Also I don’t have one arm but i have worked with sexwork anyway lol.
No place of my own no vehicle no studies no job no will.
But I’m going to ctb by full suspension soon, it’s a shame I’ll never get to have the conditions to have my own cat one day, but that’s ok cause I’ll be dead.
 
hadopelagic_walker

hadopelagic_walker

Constant speed of light, sea at eventide.
Nov 8, 2022
31
The walker here. Call me whatever you like.

Here are something I do besides what we all do: card games, maths, music, computer, Minecraft, talking to myself.

Liking things requires too much energy so I decided not to like things.

Days are alike for me: Cold, salty, and with lethal pressure. Walking the deepest of trenches, I have no idea if I'm living or dead.
 
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B

balloonsandpretzels

Member
Nov 9, 2022
6
Hello, you can call me Harper. My life's a joke

I want to use the search function so here I am
 
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deadliftEnjoyer

deadliftEnjoyer

Member
Nov 9, 2022
26
30yo male boomer here

I never felt like I belonged in this world, trough I don't feel too desperate for CTB at this particular moment; the antidepressants seem to be kicking in, and the pain is somewhat dulled

Regardless, I have been planning my departure for a month now. I plan to use a gun and have some other things happening as backup in case I survive

My reason for subscribing to this forum was to inform myself on more CTB methods and its risks, but I found some very interesting discussions, specially those about spirituality
 
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looseye

looseye

A boring person
Oct 27, 2021
105
Hi folks! After almost 2 years of being a regular visitor on here and one year of this account being open, I figured it'd be disrespectful to this community not to make the effort to actually introduce myself. I also need to get some things off my chest, apologies for going slightly off-topic on occasion. Let's go!

I'm a dude in his early 20s living in Central Europe. I've had recurring/chronic depression for almost half my life at this point and have been dealing with suicidal thoughts since age 13.

During high school my anxiety and autism really started to show. Vulnerable bully victim (ugly, fat, light but noticeable speech impediment), no friends, no self-confidence, absolutely zero charisma. And a disobedient personality. My first high school actually expelled me for aggressive behavior. Over the years it got significantly better but these things still haunt me to this day. It's rare that I can talk to people without coming off weird and insecure, even when I've known them for ages. Nobody ever wanted to be my friend after elementary school. I don't know how to make casual conversation because I never learned that. I'm literally acquiring a ten year old's social skills in my 20s and still manage to mess up. Fuck man, it hurts to even just type that. I feel like the people who interact with me voluntarily only do so because they need something from me or simply out of pity. You know, like inviting the wheelchair girl to a party because you feel sorry, not because you actually want her around. Nothing against disabled people, by the way, it was just an example. Love you. That being said, I've never even been invited to a party so I'm not sure if that's actually something people do.

There are periods when I'm satisfied with life but even on my best days I'm never able to say that I'm actually happy. I have become somewhat numb to positive states of mind. And obviously I feel like shit when depresso-mode hits hard. It's a neverending cycle: When I'm fine, I know it's not gonna last - in a few days or weeks I will fall back down a cold, terrifying, dark hole and have a really fucking hard time getting back outta there, just to eventually repeat the process. This fact is always on my mind and prevents me from enjoying life when actually given the opportunity.

At the time of writing this post I'm about halfway done with university, or two thirds if we don't include the intended master's degree later on. Well. It's this point in life where a lot of things can go right if you keep it up and where life can pull you down to rock bottom should you fail. I'm 100% certain that I don't have the right personality to recover from a serious knockout blow. Not the zero-to-hero success story kind of guy, even considering my humble personal definition of success. In the end we're all just tryna be happy.

I've told myself over the past years that I'll make one final attempt to get my shit together before committing suicide. And this is it. I'm right there, trying to improve myself and my life currently through dedication and hard work. It's a slow and challenging process that requires continuity more than anything. So far I think I'm on a good path. Still struggling with the all too familiar mental volatility but I've been making continuous progress for almost 2 years now. It actually started when this community saved me from turning into a vegetable with the shitty suicide attempt I was about to pull off. Anyway. I'm not a naturally optimistic guy though. I feel my inner self crumble and get more fragile with every passing week. It's really hard to tell how long I can keep going before the inevitable happens - the one last mental breakdown that will mark the point of no return.

I never got treatment. Well, not really... My parents took me to a therapist when I was like 10 because they saw something was clearly wrong. Mrs Therapist Lady was the most useless cunt ever and only managed to convince me that you can't trust these people. I have been refusing any professional help since and am still very opposed to it. I know a lot of people profit from therapists but I will likely never see one myself. Yeah, irrational, but this mentality stuck with me and I can't get rid of it. Whatever conditions I claim to have, they're all self-diagnosed based on simple internet research. Take them with a grain of salt.

Well, that's it. I know I've essentially written down my entire life story right there and I'm sorry for including all the unnecessary info. I have told those things people I know/knew IRL but they just led to an eventual loss of contact because apparently I'm too different for normal people to be friends with. I'm sure next to nobody on this forum will care either and that's fine. I'm in the process of reading all 97 pages of introductions in this thread, no matter how long they are, and like to tell myself that whatever I do, I'm not the first nor the last person to do it. All I'm hoping for is that someone actually reads this and perhaps is able to identify with my struggles and feel at least a little bit understood. It for sure helped me see that there are people on here who go through similar stuff.

Y'all have a nice day, thank you for reading.
 
cloudgazer26

cloudgazer26

quiet is violent
Jul 9, 2021
22
hiya I’m cloud or clo I’m 28 from the west coast of the USA. I have lived with schizophrenia since I was 7 due to being molested. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective with bipolar type 2 a couple years ago when I was 20. I have one kitty and I love to read. ETA: I’ve had two trips to grippy sock jail for failed attempts and am on the cusp of another.
 
Leavingwoutatrace

Leavingwoutatrace

New Member
Jun 22, 2022
1
Hey guys,

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

With that said, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Post your introductions here!
Hello! :D
I'm Jen from the Uk and i'm currently waiting for the bus but im not sure when it'll arrive
I love animals, especially my hamster Bean heh, my favorite films/tv shows are: AHS, black mirror, anything studio ghibli and Disenchantment.
I've had anorexia since 13 which got pretty bad and messed my health up. I've always had anxiety. Im currently an A-level student studying biology, chem, geography and core maths - I used to aspire to be a zoological vet but I don't think that'll happen anymore whether I CTB or not bc everything is so stressful and school just doesn't make sense :/ . I've been selectively mute from a young age and haven't had any friends for about 4 years now so i'm pretty lonely haha.