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fluffymoomin

fluffymoomin

living in a little mushroom house
Jan 5, 2022
24
despite wanting to ctb a lot of the time, feeling hopeless, hating myself and the life i have, i'm quite close with my parents. for their lack of understanding, they are still good people and i can admit that. they are the only two people i have left and feel like i can trust, to an extent. they've done their best with me, even though they get frustrated and angry sometimes. it's understandable when you have a daughter who acts and feels the way i do. i wouldn't know what to do with me either.

in november, when i restarted on prozac and had my worst crisis to date which almost caused my first hospitalisation, i began having intrusive thoughts which were more vivid and scary than i have ever experienced before. i've been afraid of myself before, but i don't think i've ever been that close to choosing a very unsavoury and painful way of killing myself just to get rid of those awful thoughts. they have subsided a little since then, but they do appear sometimes, especially just before i fall asleep. this time, though, they involve my parents, which is just horrifying to me. every single night it's like i'm being taunted with the thought that one or both of my parents are dying or dead in the other room and i'll awake to find them gone.. or that the next day my dad will leave early for work as usual, and i won't be able to say bye or that i love him, and he'll be killed or badly hurt in an accident. well, it seems like today was the day that that thought has come partially true.

i'm relieved he is alive and lucid (at least, it seems that way on the phone) and being looked after, but getting a call from him, finding out he was in a motorbike accident, and watching my mother's face drop made me so upset. for someone who is suicidal, i sure do get really sad at the thought of a loved one dying. i think i am just slightly traumatised from there being so much death in my family. i'm still not desensitised to it, i suppose. it still really affects me. i cried a lot tonight. even though as far as i know he just has a fucking bruised tailbone. it made me spiral a bit, it felt like one of my worst intrusive thoughts was coming true almost. i already feel alone in this world despite having my parents, but once they pass away, i will be completely on my own. i have no siblings and no close family. i believe the only option then will be to join them. i'm afraid for that day, honestly. i know i will have to do it, to avoid any further suffering for myself, but there's nothing else to say for it. i'm scared.

anyway, i had to write all of this to get it out somewhere/maintain my dregs of sanity and to stay awake so i can find out how my dad is, lol. i'm not sure how much of this made sense but i am not feeling great right now. which is hopefully understandable. (.﹒︠₋﹒︡.)
 
Feeding Pigeons

Feeding Pigeons

Arcanist
Aug 5, 2021
428
I know the feeling of depending on your parents as time marches on. The dread is overwhelming. Its like being on a rickety ship waiting for a geyser to erupt through one of the floor boards.

in november, when i restarted on prozac and had my worst crisis to date which almost caused my first hospitalisation
Wait a sec, you mean restarting the prozac triggered the crisis?
 
fluffymoomin

fluffymoomin

living in a little mushroom house
Jan 5, 2022
24
I know the feeling of depending on your parents as time marches on. The dread is overwhelming. Its like being on a rickety ship waiting for a geyser to erupt through one of the floor boards.


Wait a sec, you mean restarting the prozac triggered the crisis?
it's quite scary really, that's the only word i can think of for it.

i didn't phrase that properly, sorry - the whole end of last year is quite a blur for me. i had a really difficult time, which i guess i could call crisis #1, then restarted prozac because of how badly i was doing. i had quite nasty side effects - vivid dreams/nightmares, suicidal, self-harming etc - upon restarting, which could be called crisis #2. my doctor knew all this but was hesitant to put me another medication or take me off prozac, which i kind of understand but it was still horrible to experience :')
 
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Wrennie

Wrennie

Latent Corpse 💀
Dec 18, 2019
1,339
it's quite scary really, that's the only word i can think of for it.

i didn't phrase that properly, sorry - the whole end of last year is quite a blur for me. i had a really difficult time, which i guess i could call crisis #1, then restarted prozac because of how badly i was doing. i had quite nasty side effects - vivid dreams/nightmares, suicidal, self-harming etc - upon restarting, which could be called crisis #2. my doctor knew all this but was hesitant to put me another medication or take me off prozac, which i kind of understand but it was still horrible to experience :')
Medication can definitely increase suicidal thoughts/ideation and that’s one of the reasons psychiatry is so dangerous IMO. I mean, Pristiq made me so dissociated from reality I was able to jump off of a building. I really don’t recommend going the psychiatric route, to anyone. It’s not worth it.

I’m so sorry your father was injured in an accident. That must’ve been incredibly traumatic for you. I’m thankful it appears as though he’s okay and I’m so sorry that lately you’ve been entertaining thoughts of CTB. I understand the feeling of wanting to die yourself but not wanting your family to follow suit. It may seem hypocritical of us but I think deep down nobody truly wants to die - We’re just cornered from our suffering and life is providing us with no other alternatives or solutions. :aw:

Hugs to you. :hug:
 
LeavingForever

LeavingForever

-
Sep 24, 2020
7,563
It sounds like you have been through a lot. I’m sorry you have to deal with all this pain, I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. I wish you the best.
 
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fluffymoomin

fluffymoomin

living in a little mushroom house
Jan 5, 2022
24
We’re just cornered from our suffering and life is providing us with no other alternatives or solutions.

i thought about this a lot after you sent it, and it feels like such a perfectly succinct way of explaining why so many of us feel the way we do. i know that if there was a solution, a surefire way to end my suffering, that didn't involve death, i would take it in a heartbeat. it's just sad remembering that's not possible. also, i'm really sorry to hear about your experience with psychiatry -- it really does make things a lot worse sometimes. especially being put on medication that can make ideation worse and not being told what to expect. it's a terrifying experience. it's so easy for people to say anti-depressant medications make things easier/better while ignoring the 'ugly side' of increased ideation, self harm etc. even in people who never dreamed of those things before starting meds. anyway. thank you for your kind words <3
 
Wrennie

Wrennie

Latent Corpse 💀
Dec 18, 2019
1,339
i thought about this a lot after you sent it, and it feels like such a perfectly succinct way of explaining why so many of us feel the way we do. i know that if there was a solution, a surefire way to end my suffering, that didn't involve death, i would take it in a heartbeat. it's just sad remembering that's not possible. also, i'm really sorry to hear about your experience with psychiatry -- it really does make things a lot worse sometimes. especially being put on medication that can make ideation worse and not being told what to expect. it's a terrifying experience. it's so easy for people to say anti-depressant medications make things easier/better while ignoring the 'ugly side' of increased ideation, self harm etc. even in people who never dreamed of those things before starting meds. anyway. thank you for your kind words <3
I desperately hope that a solution other than CTB finds you, no matter how idealistic of me that may sound. 🤗

Thank you for your compassion, it means the world to me. :heart:

I’m so sorry that suffering has found you. I want to lure it away somehow. You don’t deserve to have to go through this, or even to entertain the thought of death. No one does. I wish I possessed all of the answers. 😥