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ForestDuck

ForestDuck

Member
Jul 11, 2018
45
Hi all, I'm new here and wanted to share my story with you guys, as I know you can understand or relate in some way.

I suppose the best way to start this is by stating the obvious, I'm trapped here, I physically feel imprisoned in this life, I've tried to take my life twice in the past and failed both times, after doing research, I learnt about N and feel it's the best way to release myself from this burden I've been gifted, 'life'.

But what's made me feel this way you may be asking? Well it's quite an easy response, I feel there is no purpose in life, we grow old, become weak and end up dying. I'm a BSc graduate, I owned a property at the age of 21 and have done pretty well for myself, the question I ask myself now is, What's next? And why am I doing this? Satisfaction for a week or two and then what? Life is mundane, everyone seems fake around me and I've got to constantly 'put on an act' just so I can fit the 'norm'. I feel society is corrupt and we are not free, we all have to work, pay bills to survive and what are we actually getting from this?

Sorry I'm ranting a bit above, but the main topic of discussion here is, I spoke to my parents in regards to N, because I felt it's only right they're aware of this. They know I've been suffering and that I'm not happy in this life, but they only care about themselves, they're selfish - I don't want to jump in front of a train and they bury parts of me, I rather have a peaceful death, at home, surrounded by those who love me. Unfortunately for myself, it didn't work out that way, they argued with me and said I'm mental and told me I'm the reason why they're not happy.

I don't understand this at all, has anyone else thought about talking to family about suicide? I'd like to know your story.

Thanks for reading this and I hope to hear from you :)
 
deathwish

deathwish

-
Jun 16, 2018
71
Yes, have thought about sharing, quite a lot. I think I will not, but will be composing some sort of explanation upon my death. Also considering a livestream and, as always, accepting anyone's opinions on that

For you... You said you don't understand your parents' reaction at all but it seems pretty straightforward and to be expected, I thought? Suicide is frowned upon, it is committed by the mentally ill, it's wrong, and life will get better, this is what so many people think. My friend, you can try and make them understand. Personally, I think it's always worth it to try and teach somebody something new, something important, and surely this is important. However, I think you've already put yourself at considerable risk... Would you be alright in a ward? Maybe you gotta prioritize right now...your life and death and theirs
 
ghoulish.fool

ghoulish.fool

Member
Apr 16, 2018
40
I've only ever wanted two approvals or acceptance for my suicide. My mom, because I'm quite close to her and she's always been exceptionally good to me. And my ex, who has had SO many deaths revolving around her life that I can't stand to be another without her approval. I've asked both and neither of them approved... I just want someone to say "hey, I love you and I would never want you to take your life but I get it, I understand. If this is what needs to happen then so be it." Or something along those lines. But I doubt any of us will get that kind of response or relief or whatever. My ex is suicidal too and I'm almost certain she will die by her own hands. I know her pain intimately and I've offered support and/or actual help when she decides to CTB. It's the last thing I want from a selfish perspective but I know it too well myself. At the least, I hope she says goodbye.
 
Smilla

Smilla

-
Apr 30, 2018
2,549
I won’t speak about my personal situation but I will say that I know of someone who had his suicide “sanctioned” by a dear friend; sanctioned in the sense that this friend was sad to see him go but also understood and offered support/understanding and love in his final moments.

Sadly most of us won’t be so lucky. I refuse to put others at legal risk so I am dying alone in a hotel room.
 
I've waited so long

I've waited so long

Student
Jul 11, 2018
141
I've only ever wanted two approvals or acceptance for my suicide. My mom, because I'm quite close to her and she's always been exceptionally good to me. And my ex, who has had SO many deaths revolving around her life that I can't stand to be another without her approval. I've asked both and neither of them approved... I just want someone to say "hey, I love you and I would never want you to take your life but I get it, I understand. If this is what needs to happen then so be it." Or something along those lines. But I doubt any of us will get that kind of response or relief or whatever. My ex is suicidal too and I'm almost certain she will die by her own hands. I know her pain intimately and I've offered support and/or actual help when she decides to CTB. It's the last thing I want from a selfish perspective but I know it too well myself. At the least, I hope she says goodbye.
hey, I love you and I would never want you to take your life but I get it, I understand.
 
L

Life sucks

Enlightened
Apr 18, 2018
1,873
Its better to not tell anyone, I know this is harsh and everyone needs to talk (that's why we are here anyway) but telling people including family will not make things better (there are exceptions for sure but rare).

One of the worse advices I saw and applied from websites (which is mostly pro-life or pro-life in disguise) is go and talk with anyone because it won't matter. This is stupid thing that makes more eyes and attention on you and will hurt you more and prevent suicide and really never helps. I'm glad I get rid of this unnecessary attention after time.
 
I

itsallover

Arcanist
Jun 29, 2018
465
My family knows that I am in such pain and so uncomfortable that I would rather die. I've been in mental institutions and taken medication. All I am asking for is someone to agree with me, but people are so caught up in their own worlds including family that they don't want to go through the pain of losing a loved one so to them it's better to see you endlessly suffer.
 
Peekaf

Peekaf

Dem Bones
Jul 8, 2018
35
The only member of my family that I've ever spoken to about my suicidal thoughts was a sibling that sternly scolded me for it and clearly didn't understand. The only other member I would ever have considered talking about it with would have been my father, he died a few days before Father's Day. I don't really care what happens to my remains or how the rest will "feel" about it. Throw me in the trash and save your money after my incoming ctb
 
I've waited so long

I've waited so long

Student
Jul 11, 2018
141
The only member of my family that I've ever spoken to about my suicidal thoughts was a sibling that sternly scolded me for it and clearly didn't understand. The only other member I would ever have considered talking about it with would have been my father, he died a few days before Father's Day. I don't really care what happens to my remains or how the rest will "feel" about it. Throw me in the trash and save your money after my incoming ctb
Dam that's Heavy
 
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shin

shin

Member
Jul 11, 2018
9
I want to say it depends on the family but I'd never advise *anyone* to talk to their families about it. Chances are they won't understand and depending how shitty they are, they may lock you up in some bullshit mental instituition, making your life even worse. I've heard terrible stories from people who told their families first and I made my own choice that I won't be telling mine. My mom is the kind that makes terrible comments and either downplays it or look at me like I'm some kind of freak, so I'm certainly not telling her. I do have some friends that have been suicidal and actually attempted it so I might be telling them, there is still some risk involved but at the very least they won't try lock me up.
 
Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
633
In my case, my family is rather moot on the whole thing. A very matter of fact type of situation, in a way. "Yep, son wants to kill himself. Well, what else is new?". I am quite thankful I can talk so freely about it with them, though. My mother is especially open-minded on the subject. She and I have had many philosophically stimulating discussions in regards to death & suicide, which is quite the rarity in and of itself, I suppose. Not that talking about it really helps in the end, but it's something.
 
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not-2-b-the-answer

not-2-b-the-answer

Visionary
Mar 23, 2018
2,993
I will not … I know they would try to stop me and I would probably end up in an institution … at least for a while. It wouldn't change my mind and they would be on to me.
 
Rocky M

Rocky M

I'm A Monster
Jun 20, 2018
213
I personally would not. My “family” and I aren’t on great terms. I may tell one friend, but only at the time of my dying. I don’t want anyone to feel responsible for my death, and I certainly do not want anyone searching for me when I’m gone. It’s just a personal preference, but you do what’s comfortable for you.
 
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Gray Wounds

Gray Wounds

A Phantasmagoria
Jun 27, 2018
513
I didn't tell my family about it. They discovered it. First, the woman who adopted me went crazy about me wearing long sleeves and hiding my left arm. Then she went into my room and asked me about it in a manner that--- let's just say that she's so annoyed about it--- and grabbed the nearest alcohol and poured lots of it in her hand which she rubbed on my left arm. I was supposed to feel pain, but I felt none. I was so angry because she was shouting about it and everyone, even strangers inside the house have heard about it.

Then shit went wrong all in my life back then. And I have lost my self and gone fucking berserk when her husband removed the door of my room. I remember crushing everything down and wanting to kill them. But I refrained myself because prison will and can only fuck me up more. They all thought I was fucking possessed and called in quacks and the house was filled with more and more strangers, looking at me. I want to run, run away, escape. But I was restrained by 5 men and I struggled to get away from them. Until a quack doctor came and did her fucking tricks on me, saying that I'm being possessed by demons etc. I spat at her face because she's nothing but a fraud. The fakes cried because of what's going on. But I still want to escape. And realizing that I couldn't, I tried to break my neck, crash my head on the floor, etc. But to no avail. Then another quack came and fractured my right hand saying that he's banishing evil. Fuck him. After that, I sort of calmed because what he did is fucking painful. Then the man who adopted me raised my left arm and showed EVERYONE my cuts. I can't explain what I felt back then. And even right now when I am typing this.

What happened next is the latter quack asking the couple who adopted me for money, for a large sum of money. And more money when he showered the whole house with salt. A total fucking idiot wanting to just destroy the appliances. And was believed by more idiots.

But more nightmares appeared before that. The woman who adopted me began spreading the word of me being suicidal, and so is her husband. She told my biological--- even the thought of terming the whore as my mother makes me puke--- and then she too, blabbered about it to everyone. Can you feel it? Can you see it? The darkness shrouding me always?

And then, crosses kept on appearing on my gadgets. The source of course is the woman who took me as her child. But not only that! She also disposed of all of my long sleeves (I bought more after that just to piss her off). I also lost all of my fucking privacy. Even in the shower she'll be peeking at me, at my sleep she will be checking on my arms. And yet she wonders why my eyes are all tired and sunken from lack of sleep. Oh, and she also puts oil in my head every time I seem to doze off. A fucking advice from the frauds perhaps. More than that, she puts every single rosary or prayer material bullshits underneath my pillow. I think she's crazy. And I can't think more than killing both she and her husband.

What they told me and kept on telling me in an angered tone is, "Stop your stupid cutting! You're a disgrace to this family. Do you know what they're saying about us now? About me and your father? You have no conscience! You have no sense of gratitude!"

And it just became natural to me. Until they began their "fake kindness" towards me. And they always ask me, "Why won't you accept us? Why won't you change? Please change. You must change. Look at everyone and just look at you."

Now I just do not know where the greater push for me to CTB is coming from. Is it from them? Or from those humans whom I do not even know?
 
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