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Smilla

Smilla

-
Apr 30, 2018
2,549
Who here is basically isolated?

Meaning no family (or estranged) and only one to two friends?

I don’t know what I did to deserve such a lonely existence—I never had the kind of love and support some people boast about. I tried to give it but it was never reciprocated except by one dear friend on whom I am becoming a burden. He needs to move on and can’t so long as I am tethered to this world.

Anyone else living in a state of near isolation? Spent the holidays last year drinking alone in my apartment.
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
I feel the constant need of going out so I have groups of (very shitty) friends (who doesn't support me at all and only want me for their selfish purposes).

I really need people who don't make me feel the impulse of breaking their face when I'm close to them or I probably will end in that state of isolation in a future.
 
FTL.Wanderer

FTL.Wanderer

Enlightened
May 31, 2018
1,791
My mom died when I was a teenager. I've never known friends or other family. I don't know what it is about me, but I cannot maintain friendships. I'm finally old enough that I don't have to try anymore b/c no one wants to know you once you're over, say, 31, 32... Unless you're rich and powerful and can benefit them. When I was in college I had profound physical pain from the isolation. It felt like I was having a heart attack. Later, I'd tell people I knew well--not begging or anything, just sharing. Invariable, they'd be totally scared off. It's been about 15 years since I've had a conversation with anyone about anything other than work. Admitting you're lonely today, despite the pandemic of loneliness as published in some of the best worldwide epidemiological journals, is enough to earn you ... social isolation.

I read some articles by scholars on the evolution of human responses to loneliness. They believe people isolate the lonely (and other "mentally ill") to protect themselves, as if from a communicable disease. Other research shows depression acts very much like a communicable disease. We're the "sick" ones the rest are terrified of and so they quarantine us. Indefinitely.

The truth of life seems to be that there's no objective justice. Some have, some have a lot, and some have virtually nothing. Oh well...
 
M

Maggotymaggots

-
Apr 18, 2018
54
I do live with my family, but I don't interact with them much at all. Now that I think of it, I'm not sure I've said two words to any of them today. I don't have any friends. I scarcely leave the house anymore, I mean, I barely even leave my room. I know that must sound pretty pathetic, but I'm afraid to, really, and I don't see any point in it anymore.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on the verge of losing it, or maybe I already have, who knows? I just want this to be over.
 
Dead_Inside

Dead_Inside

Wizard
Jul 2, 2018
625
Who here is basically isolated?

Meaning no family (or estranged) and only one to two friends?

I don’t know what I did to deserve such a lonely existence—I never had the kind of love and support some people boast about. I tried to give it but it was never reciprocated except by one dear friend on whom I am becoming a burden. He needs to move on and can’t so long as I am tethered to this world.

Anyone else living in a state of near isolation? Spent the holidays last year drinking alone in my apartment.
Yeah my family is not loving ... spent my holidays alone as well- very drunk very high. Very unhappy.

I have some friends. They just can’t give me what I would need and they are always busy with their lives ... it’s going well for them, so they are happily involved with work and such. They might stop and talk to me occasionally.... it usually goes badly because they don’t really get it. Just want me to be like how I was.....
I usually refuse the fun stuff - “want to go to the zoo this weekend?” Or “want to go see that new movie?” .... it feels hard to do and pointless. I can’t be around all those people just having a good time with their nice families and good relationships... it’s too much. They don’t understand, but it’s too much for me.
 
Smilla

Smilla

-
Apr 30, 2018
2,549
Yeah my family is not loving ... spent my holidays alone as well- very drunk very high. Very unhappy.

I have some friends. They just can’t give me what I would need and they are always busy with their lives ... it’s going well for them, so they are happily involved with work and such. They might stop and talk to me occasionally.... it usually goes badly because they don’t really get it. Just want me to be like how I was.....
I usually refuse the fun stuff - “want to go to the zoo this weekend?” Or “want to go see that new movie?” .... it feels hard to do and pointless. I can’t be around all those people just having a good time with their nice families and good relationships... it’s too much. They don’t understand, but it’s too much for me.

I know the feeling exactly. It’s too difficult to be around those whose lives are going well. I have to fake it and I’m done faking it. I wish them happiness but I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt like hell.
 
Dead_Inside

Dead_Inside

Wizard
Jul 2, 2018
625
I know the feeling exactly. It’s too difficult to be around those whose lives are going well. I have to fake it and I’m done faking it. I wish them happiness but I can’t pretend it doesn’t hurt like hell.
...yes.... the faking it. It hurts to hell. And I know maybe it’s just jealousy or whatever. But I can’t see that right now.
Also it’s hard for me to be civil and be willing to do stuff on everyone else’s schedule ... but when I am hurt and alone .... when I am killing myself ... where is everyone?? Its just too much distance.
 
D

Deleted_9cKnXB34QG

Mage
Jun 26, 2018
502
As far as family goes I only have my mom but she's got her own life, lives in a different place and we don't talk all that much.

So the only living thing I interact with on a daily basis is my cat. No friends, SO, family, nothing, not even online friends because I ghosted them.
I'm fine with being a hermit, I don't like people anyway, but sometimes I wish I had someone... because I feel like my mind is slowly slipping away.
 
JayZT

JayZT

Member
Jul 12, 2018
96
I have family but my mums disabled and my dad works pretty much 24/7 just to put food on the table so I don’t really see either of them. I spend so much of my life in my room, in isolation. Isolation is a killer, no one sees my life anyway why does it matter if I leave, they’ll hardly notice.
 
Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
638
Well, in my case, I've always had both my parents around to keep me company, so, I suppose in some sense, I've never been that isolated, but enh. It doesn't really amount to much in the end. Outside of them (including my brother), I literally haven't spoken to, or interacted with, anyone at all within the last 11 years. Only exceptions being rare throwaway encounters (like when I've gone to the dentist or briefly spoken with a relative over the phone, for instance). I've also never had any online acquaintances, let alone friends, and have barely said much of anything online, barring my scribblings on this website I guess. I spend all day in my room, heavy curtains permanently drawn, only leaving to use the bathroom or to get food/water. Cumulatively speaking, I'd say my time outside in these last 11 years more than likely amounts to less than 150 hours, although, naturally, I can't pinpoint the exact figure for certain (might be a little more, but not by much). We also used to have a cat I was pretty close with. He was pretty much the only living thing I've ever known whom I could've ever defined as a friend (besides my mother, that is), but, unfortunately (although not unexpectedly), he died a couple years ago at the ripe old age of 19 1/2 years old. At this point, it's really just me and her, since, truth be told, I don't really interact with my father much these days. Not for any particular reason mind you. I just don't have anything to say to him really. Not to mention, my father, despite being a bit of a basement dweller himself, often tends to be coming and going a lot of the time, whereas my mother is either always at her computer or asleep in her bed. In many ways, she's as reclusive as I am. She goes out driving at night pretty frequently and can easily talk with strangers (which is something I can't even fathom doing), so, ultimately, she's not as bad/reclusive as I am, but still pretty close. Close enough to understand me far more than anyone else would. My life would honestly be hell without her. Having said that, I often find myself worrying for her health these days. It pains me to admit that she's starting to get up there in years (just like our cat eventually did) and when you combine this fact with her long standing weight problems/poor eating habits it's just...... I don't know what I can do to to help her. I'm just always fearing for the worst to happen. I don't mean to come off like an asshole, but it just scares me. Without her I'd have no one. No one to talk to, no one to shield me, no one who can understand. Thinking about all this never fails to make me feel deeply uncomfortable & panicked. All I can do is try to push it all from my mind, while the inevitable creeps its way ever closer. I just wish I could die first, so I don't have to be the one who gets left behind in a shattered world of excruciating grief/sorrow with no hope of ever being able to put it back together. God, how I wish I could die first.

More than that, and outside of, again, just dying and getting it over with already, I really wish I could just live out the rest of my days in a Yume Nikki styled apartment suspended in an endless sky. Exploring my dreams in peace. Laying out on the balcony feeling the night air lightly breeze against me. Free from causing or being victim to any more suffering or tragedy. I'd like that all very much.

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ge0rge

ge0rge

the satanic mechanic
Jul 29, 2018
295
I tend to isolate heavily whenever I go into deep & dark states of mind, which is probably very bad, but it sort of helps me confirm the idea that people around me consider me a burden or something to be taken care of instead of enjoyed.
 
Gray Wounds

Gray Wounds

A Phantasmagoria
Jun 27, 2018
513
Everyone in my place has isolated me from the rest of them. Sometimes, I tend to cross paths with a mother with her kid walking together. She knows me, and a part of me says that I remember her. Then she looked at me and just pulled her kid towards her, casting that disgusted gaze to me.

That's just an instance. People here usually do not want/ are afraid of my company. Mainly because who would like to be with a being who is termed as an abnormality by the majority of society?

Back then, I thought being isolated isn't what I deserve. Maybe I do not deserve it. But away from all of them, I found out the real meaning of life, I saw who they are, and I saw what I am. And I guess, they are right to isolate me indeed.
 
M

millefeui

-
Mar 31, 2018
1,036
I am not entirely isolated. In fact, I wish I could achieve further isolation during my remaining years alive. I wish my "father" (who is divorced from my mother) would get the fuck out of here already. Not to mention, my sorry excuse of a brother also lives here. I wish it could be just my dog, my mother and I. Or my dog and I, but I wouldn't have anything to eat in that case : P

"Father" because the scumbag only contributed with his genes. He never acted like a father, and he even abandoned his first daughter and wife, so I have less than zero respect for him.

Being lonely sucks, though. I do agree with that. But I would prefer being alone than being together with shitty people.
 
Midnight

Midnight

Beyond solace
Jun 30, 2018
625
Depression is a great way to alienate yourself from people. You drive everyone away even though it is not what you want. I've damaged plenty of friendship or family relations this way. Isn't too surprising really and you can't blame the other party because they cannot comprehend what goes on in our heads.

Tbh if i where like all the other "normal" people i would act in exactly the same way and be fed up quite quickly about someone always being a downer.

Though i have never been really isolated as i've always had friends,family and at work i have coworkers arround me 8hrs a day. But i can understand that it must be very hard to be all alone.
 
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FTL.Wanderer

FTL.Wanderer

Enlightened
May 31, 2018
1,791
...yes.... the faking it. It hurts to hell. And I know maybe it’s just jealousy or whatever. But I can’t see that right now.
Also it’s hard for me to be civil and be willing to do stuff on everyone else’s schedule ... but when I am hurt and alone .... when I am killing myself ... where is everyone?? Its just too much distance.

I agree with everything you've said here and above. I used to fake it when I had a career. Over the short years I was practicing I got to know many families personally. They considered me a friend. But I withdrew because ... I couldn't pretend anymore. We have to accommodate their view of the world, of life--be who/what they want us to be. That alone takes inordinate energy.

But worse yet, when we're deeply hurting, not only can we NOT talk to them about it (we know the responses we'll get...), but no one's even around to help. Because, like you said, they're all busy. I got frickin' sick of giving and giving and giving--being the clown for everyone else. You get so exhausted that isolation is just the most you can do anymore.

Thanks for sharing...
 
FTL.Wanderer

FTL.Wanderer

Enlightened
May 31, 2018
1,791
Without her I'd have no one. No one to talk to, no one to shield me, no one who can understand. Thinking about all this never fails to make me feel deeply uncomfortable & panicked. All I can do is try to push it all from my mind, while the inevitable creeps its way ever closer. ... I really wish I could just live out the rest of my days in a Yume Nikki styled apartment suspended in an endless sky. Exploring my dreams in peace. Laying out on the balcony feeling the night air lightly breeze against me. Free from causing or being victim to any more suffering or tragedy. I'd like that all very much.

I really, really enjoyed reading your words. You didn't come off at all to me like "an asshole." Quite the contrary. I lost my mom when I was very young and had no other relatives or friends. She was everything to me. No more than a few hours go by at a time before I think of her again. These last few nights I've had the most vivid nightmares about my life with her--as bad as the first couple of years after she died. I wake up screaming, trying to force myself to think of anything else. I've thought this is an omen of my soon-to-be death--sort of like seeing your life pass before your eyes before you die.

Anyway, I just wanted to share I really appreciate everything you wrote. I feel a lot of the same things. And now, having worked and lived on my own on five different continents, I'm back in the US in a nondescript dump just waiting to die. There's nothing out there--at least for people like me. Well, other than pain--social predation, illness, accidents, constant subliminal messages that we're not good enough, not "right"... I'd welcome the chance to live in deep Alaska, far, far, far away from all other humans so long as I had stable access to food, water, electricity... What's the saying? Oh, yeah: "Hell is other people."
 
FTL.Wanderer

FTL.Wanderer

Enlightened
May 31, 2018
1,791
Tbh if i where like all the other "normal" people i would act in exactly the same way and be fed up quite quickly about someone always being a downer.

Thanks for the honesty.
 
Gray Wounds

Gray Wounds

A Phantasmagoria
Jun 27, 2018
513
Are you willing to elaborate? Why are you "termed an abnormality"?

since I was a kid, I do not do the things they all do. I do not conform to the standards of the society (lots of examples but I'll only give the most shallow of them here for the sake of the topic's lightness ). I do the things I think I want to do. I oppose them if I want to and see it fit. I wear jackets even if the sun is already killing half the population (an exaggeration). I wear the thinnest of clothing when the temperature is freezing half the population to death (again, an exaggeration) (add the ice creams). And mostly, I defy almost everything. Not because it is fun to do so but because almost everything doesn't even mean a thing.

and humans do not like the things they cannot understand. they try to examine it, me. and when they did, they found no desirable results. so they tried to instil fear to me. but I wasn't afraid. they tried to convert me, but I lashed my fangs at them and destroyed quite a bit of them by my articles (published, yes, but only a few have cracked the metaphors). so they isolated me in the end. I just won't fit into their fantasy-made world. a reject. and they made quite a number of stories about me. terming me therefore as an abnormality/ an abnormal. then, later on, it turned into "monster" which evolved from "crazy-asylum-escape-goat-bitch". quite funny actually, the whole lot of it.
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
since I was a kid, I do not do the things they all do. I do not conform to the standards of the society (lots of examples but I'll only give the most shallow of them here for the sake of the topic's lightness ). I do the things I think I want to do.
And mostly, I defy almost everything. Not because it is fun to do so but because almost everything doesn't even mean a thing.

and humans do not like the things they cannot understand. they try to examine it, me. and when they did, they found no desirable results. so they tried to instil fear to me.
I understand you perfectly because I do the same. When somebody doesn't act exactly as others force to do it he is blamed, when they can't (and don't want) to understand anything they simply throw shit against us.

The day I refused the stupid social rules was probably the most liberating day for me. Others are assholes enough for self-imposing rules that limit and harm them, we not. And everytime somebody says me how I should be, look or act, a blind rage posseses me.
 
tearsinrain

tearsinrain

Member
Aug 5, 2018
64
I agree with everything you've said here and above. I used to fake it when I had a career. Over the short years I was practicing I got to know many families personally. They considered me a friend. But I withdrew because ... I couldn't pretend anymore. We have to accommodate their view of the world, of life--be who/what they want us to be. That alone takes inordinate energy.

But worse yet, when we're deeply hurting, not only can we NOT talk to them about it (we know the responses we'll get...), but no one's even around to help. Because, like you said, they're all busy. I got frickin' sick of giving and giving and giving--being the clown for everyone else. You get so exhausted that isolation is just the most you can do anymore.

Thanks for sharing...

Thank you FTL.Wanderer and Dead_Inside.

You both described exactly how I feel/think, but in much better words than I could express it.
 
tearsinrain

tearsinrain

Member
Aug 5, 2018
64
For the last ten years I've been isolating off and on. Right now I've been isolated for the past two months. Only leave my apt 2X/mo to grocery shop. This time there was just too much crap to overcome. And it won't change or get better, so no plans to stop isolating this time.

I live on this forum, even though I'm new and mostly just lurking (and learning a lot about methods) right now. I'd totally freak without this forum! My anxiety level was off the charts because we absolutely can't talk about suicide, totally taboo, and then I found this forum. It was such a relief, my heart rate has slowed down considerably, it's only about Warp 5 now...... :)
 
tearsinrain

tearsinrain

Member
Aug 5, 2018
64
I don't have any family and my so called "friends" only wanted me around when they needed help and/or because I was the comedian and made them laugh. But they don't seem to think I'm a real person, I'm just a bot to them for when they want help. Other than that I don't exist......

The whole holiday season is a bitch. I've spent them all (every one) alone for years. My birthday hasn't been acknowledged in so long I can't even remember the last time it was........