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wiIIow

wiIIow

Arcanist
Sep 22, 2018
459
every single year. as soon as November hits it's a downward slide all winter long. what was already unbearable becomes this absolutely unmanageable behemoth,
all the bad memories come back, the pains come, my brain spirals out of control. it reminds me that I'll never be happy again, that all i can do is desperately cling to moments in the distant past where music sounded good or creating was satisfying or living was tolerable.

everything, like every single imaginable thing has this backdrop of dread to it, anything that involves existing gives me horrible anxiety. i feel like my brain is rotting. my entire existence is so skewed that i can't connect to the people around me and i know it shows

i could go on like this and make a wall of text but what's the point. not like I'll make any sense, I'm coming down from ac really bad psychotic episode, I'm all fucked up. i just cant keep doing this. this isn't a fucking way to live. cant even distract myself with music, it has no depth, it's just a bunch of extra noise. everything is so loud and overwhelming.

I'm not compatible with life
 
S

samsays89

Student
Oct 4, 2018
139
If its every year around November you may want to look into seasonal affective disorder. I hate to label people, but maybe looking into it might help you cope, maybe. I'm just trying to help bases off of what little I know about psychology.

But you would know yourself best, and what's really going on. Is it better or worse than last year?
 
Eowyn

Eowyn

Member
Nov 4, 2018
41
I just hate around now when society at large is looking forward to the holidays (Christmas, New Year etc), all desperately clinging to consumerism to invoke that false sense of 'happiness'.

The thought of choking down another turkey ready meal for one whilst sat completely alone in my flat is too depressing. I wish I could spend it with the one I love, but I am already dead to him.

I am not compatible with life either. I just wasn't meant for this world x
 
L

Letting Go

Student
Oct 30, 2018
100
I can't think of a winter when I didn't spiral down into a deep pit of depression for an extended period of time (weeks, if not months). If the past day or two is any indication, I won't last long before losing my mind again. I may have to blow through even more of my savings (I already spent nearly FIVE GRAND on travel so far this year) in order to escape to a place like Latin America or Southeast Asia. There's no guarantee that I'll even find what I'm looking for in those places, but I know for SURE that I will be miserable if I spend the entire winter rotting in this god-forsaken wasteland!
 
wiIIow

wiIIow

Arcanist
Sep 22, 2018
459
If its every year around November you may want to look into seasonal affective disorder. I hate to label people, but maybe looking into it might help you cope, maybe. I'm just trying to help bases off of what little I know about psychology.

But you would know yourself best, and what's really going on. Is it better or worse than last year?

I've looked into it in the past. The thing is my mental health is already a disaster without the winter element, i barely hold on all year and then become unhinged when the cold and snow hit.
it's a lot of different things. the cold, seeping into my bones and cooping me up inside. my body slows down, my mind speeds up. It also brings back a lot of bad memories that I relive, many life altering traumatizing events have occurred during winter for me.

it gets worse every year i feel
 
wiIIow

wiIIow

Arcanist
Sep 22, 2018
459
I just hate around now when society at large is looking forward to the holidays (Christmas, New Year etc), all desperately clinging to consumerism to invoke that false sense of 'happiness'.

The thought of choking down another turkey ready meal for one whilst sat completely alone in my flat is too depressing. I wish I could spend it with the one I love, but I am already dead to him.

I am not compatible with life either. I just wasn't meant for this world x
i feel you. the holidays bring nothing but an overwhelming sense of dread for me. it's all very depressing and upsetting
 
wiIIow

wiIIow

Arcanist
Sep 22, 2018
459
I can't think of a winter when I didn't spiral down into a deep pit of depression for an extended period of time (weeks, if not months). If the past day or two is any indication, I won't last long before losing my mind again. I may have to blow through even more of my savings (I already spent nearly FIVE GRAND on travel so far this year) in order to escape to a place like Latin America or Southeast Asia. There's no guarantee that I'll even find what I'm looking for in those places, but I know for SURE that I will be miserable if I spend the entire winter rotting in this god-forsaken wasteland!
fuck dude, yeah. I wish I could travel somewhere warmer during the winter months. midwest winters are no joke, wasteland is the most accurate term
 
BaconCheeseburger

BaconCheeseburger

Comfort-eating
Aug 4, 2018
689
I want to die all year round, but have been feeling worse since October. I work in a retail environment, so scheduled hours are now increasing as is footfall, as are aggressive customers, as is the need to be cheerful.

It's also cold.

Just a generally miserable time.
 
Deleted member 2141

Deleted member 2141

The angel of choice is enduring.
Aug 30, 2018
5,309
I feel similar to when winter comes, mainly due to the holidays and the thoughts of people having fun, spending time with their loved ones and be able to celebrate it with friends. Me, OTOH, rotting away at the place I'm staying, no friends who invite me to do stuff with them, and no one to really share things with. The only thing really appealing to me about winter is that it's cold and sometimes there is snow (I have considered ctb via hypothermia before, but it's not something that is super reliable and I'd rather go via other means if possible).
 
T

TheLastStraw

Member
May 10, 2018
55
Yeah the weather is depressing here, it's overcast rainy and cold the entire winter, we don't ever get snow

Also I work night shift, so I go to bed at 8am then when I wake up it's already dark, so I get 0 sunlight
 
NoOneKnows

NoOneKnows

Specialist
Sep 12, 2018
323
Im the opposite as well...summers are h.e.l.l for me,18 hours a day sunlight, the heat, the sweating, people showing off where they go on holidays , people are more superficial..etc also my very pale complexion reveals I barely ever go out,so it invites more attention...even the little i go out out of neccesity, sunlight hurt my eyes (i have thyroid condition that affects my eyes), I have to wash hair almost every day, shower sometiems 2 times a day ..I like dark and cold,even in the winter i cant wait for sun to go down. Paradoxically enough I tend to be less sick in the winter, I also loose weight in the winter. I like to hide myself in the clothes, it helps my social phobia, i dont like to be seen.