- Jun 13, 2018
I've been struggling for a very long time. I've had several moments where I thought things were going to work out but then they always fell apart and things got worse. Then I somehow adapted to the new "bad" and the cycle repeated. I finally...after so long...got an opportunity to work again and for someone who was going to work around my health...but then a new health problem happened that makes doing the job impossible. Like some cosmic joke. For the last week I was waiting to try one more thing that might help but it didn't. During that week part of me wanted it not to work so I could just get this all over with. I was even a little high over the idea. But now...after learning today there is no solution...I am just sick at my stomach. I don't want to die....never did...just tired of the pain and loss. But like everything else...even suicide tricks me into thinking it will be a welcome release and then at the last moment fills me with dread and sick feelings. I can't even feel good about not having to feel bad anymore...