Cool I'm dead
- Sep 26, 2019
I graduated with a master's degree in marketing and communications in 2019 when coronavirus has started and job offers weren't many since then. I still haven't found a job. I apply, get a few phones calls. But no job so far. But that's not even the worst part. My biggest fear is I won't be able to do the job if I get one because I'm severely depressed after an an assault I was traumatized( after having recovered from depression). The lawyer I hired to defend my case ended up stealing my money and ghosting me and women's rights situation is not good where I live so my abuser is free with no consequences (he tried to kill me and he beat me and was going to stab me with a knife). My only hope at finding a job and being motivated to keep my search is to be better mentally first. After my attack I saw my psychiatrist and asked him if I'm gonna recover like last time and he said yes but I've been on the same meds that worked for me , for 3 months now and it's like I'm not taking meds at all. They are useless and have no effect. I will see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I'm very nervous and scared of what he will say after I tell him the meds did not help me. All I do all day is apply for jobs and the rest of the day I overthink and remember bad memories and feel extremely triggered and avoid the triggers. The triggers are everywhere. In movies, videos, simple facebook posts to the point that I don't wanna watch anything and the day is hard to end. I long to the night when I can rest. That if I don't get nightmares about the things I'm trying to avoid. I've been idealizing suicide a lot but I know I can't do it. I'm tired.. I am so behind my ex classmates. I had a bad life and still do. My parents are separated and that played a role in my depression too. I am now staying with my abusive mom until I move alone to an apartment we have in a different city. I'm horrified of living alone but I have to. She abused me my whole life so I don't wanna live with her. But I came because my depression got so bad I had to come and to see my doctor because my appointment is tomorrow. So the day after tomorrow I will leave to live alone again. Please tell me if you think there is hope for me? Will I recover and keep looking for a job and find one? Or will I have to live like this forever? Tell me about your experience.. If you work while depressed or job hunt while depressed, how do you manage to do it?