I’ve been here too long
- Jul 8, 2018
I lost my attractiveness, and miss having a boyfriend. I had decided to abort all my pregnancies to some degree out of selfishness, vanity, avoiding single motherhood, got pregnant by not the greatest guys and I don’t mean they were terrible pple just either not wanting any relationship with me or unable to provide. I didn’t want to repeat what happened to me as a child on my own kids but I felt like I wasn’t able to prevent it. I also grew up fatherless, low self esteem, daddy issues, borderline personality disorder. I was really dumb about what I was supposed to do so I went through a couple vocational programs for stuff I’m not really all that interested in but thought I had to get some type of training for a job that pays at least better than the typical entry level job like your typical shit jobs that most of don’t want to do at least for very long if we have to. So I’ve got huge debt from those still. I just quit paying because I simply couldn’t afford it lol! I know I was an idiot not thinking and ending up in this debt. I’m addicted to adderall and I know it’s part of the problem but I have tried to live off it and my life was equally shitty so I gave up trying to come off. You really have to want it and there’s nothing to motivate me to want it. I’m basically alone and that’s probably the most painful thing. I can’t attach to new people very easily and I push them away too. I just feel like a waste of a human being and I can’t convince myself that I have value and I should stick around lol! Ok that’s it for now.