nerve

nerve

24 hour sleep cycle
Jun 19, 2019
903
I'm about 15 minutes into my first dose (56mg) of Spravato! I kinda feel like I'm drunk! (Typing is hard right now please excuse any mistakes)

I don't think anyone here has documented their esketamine treatment yet so idk maybe this will be useful to someone but either way I want to talk about it so here it is.

I'm definitely high right now though!!

12:35: Im so happy drugs won the war on drugs!!

12:50: I thought I was starting to feel like a normal human being again but then it was like nah

1:00: I kinda forgot I wasn't home @[email protected] Very relaxed. I have headphones on and Im listening to stuff and then the song ended and I could hear the people in the next room & only then I remembered I was out of the house. Im feeling less floaty but it's still hard to stand. I just tried and started stumbling around and almost fell lol

1:15: Thought I was getting back to normal (again) but then I started listening to the Shadow of the Colossus OST and had to hold back tears.


It honestly feels like I've spent my entire life in this room.

1:40: just confirmed I can stand upright again!
 
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TriggerHappy

TriggerHappy

Inthe kingdom ofthe blind; the one-eyed are kings
Jan 24, 2021
1,199
hmmmm.
maybe that's why they have scheduled these meds sumthin mental?!
cos in the beginning they work so good.
(i remember my 1st lithium lexamil week, going to work at the agency feeling I was on the dancefloor rushing my face off!!) what fun.
within no time I was crushing them and mixing them with the usual party favors... then the withdrawal demon hunted me down.
⚠️ Warning Label? What warning label?
Oh that " these may cause addiction warning... I learnt what that meant in my Step 1 at rehab...
Joking aside :: pls be careful of your relationship /thinking. Pls.
 
nerve

nerve

24 hour sleep cycle
Jun 19, 2019
903
Okay made it home.

I didn't go into a K-hole or have like a spiritual experience but that was a fun, novel way to spend a few hours. My expectations here are pretty low; I'm not expecting this to cure me or give me a reason to live but idk maybe it'll buy me some time to find these things.

Maybe it's just a good day as far as suicidal ideation, but right now I feel kind of sad about the prospect of ctbing. Over the years, I've become numb to it like "oh well thems the breaks" but right now it feels like killing myself would just be a waste of an entire person. I'm still a little loopy so I'm sure that feeling is going to go away once I'm more myself again, but it's a refreshing way of looking at it for a little while.

Didn't get nauseous, didn't dissociate, didn't choke on the spray dripping down my throat (it tasted like febreeze though euch), just spent two hours listening to jpop and game osts in a dimly-lit room. My blood pressure went up, but not enough for it to be a problem. I was a little anxious too so that might have contributed.

We've obviously got a long way to go and I'm not expecting like immediate results, but at this early point I think we can at least say that I tolerate it well. I go back for round 2 on Thursday!

hmmmm.
maybe that's why they have scheduled these meds sumthin mental?!
cos in the beginning they work so good.
(i remember my 1st lithium lexamil week, going to work at the agency feeling I was on the dancefloor rushing my face off!!) what fun.
within no time I was crushing them and mixing them with the usual party favors... then the withdrawal demon hunted me down.
⚠️ Warning Label? What warning label?
Oh that " these may cause addiction warning... I learnt what that meant in my Step 1 at rehab...
Joking aside :: pls be careful of your relationship /thinking. Pls.

Oh man, thank you for caring :heart: :heart: :heart: ! I have a family history of substance abuse so that kind of thing is on my mind a lot. My esketamine is being administered & monitored by a professional in a specific dose so I don't have the option of just buying more if I feel like it. Plus I have no money and no way to find a local ketamine dealer so it's not like I could even if I wanted to lol. I did have that "no! no! more!" reaction when I started coming down so yeah I'm keeping an eye on it...
 
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TriggerHappy

TriggerHappy

Inthe kingdom ofthe blind; the one-eyed are kings
Jan 24, 2021
1,199
Okay made it home.

I didn't go into a K-hole or have like a spiritual experience but that was a fun, novel way to spend a few hours. My expectations here are pretty low; I'm not expecting this to cure me or give me a reason to live but idk maybe it'll buy me some time to find these things.

Maybe it's just a good day as far as suicidal ideation, but right now I feel kind of sad about the prospect of ctbing. Over the years, I've become numb to it like "oh well thems the breaks" but right now it feels like killing myself would just be a waste of an entire person. I'm still a little loopy so I'm sure that feeling is going to go away once I'm more myself again, but it's a refreshing way of looking at it for a little while.

Didn't get nauseous, didn't dissociate, didn't choke on the spray dripping down my throat (it tasted like febreeze though euch), just spent two hours listening to jpop and game osts in a dimly-lit room. My blood pressure went up, but not enough for it to be a problem. I was a little anxious too so that might have contributed.

We've obviously got a long way to go and I'm not expecting like immediate results, but at this early point I think we can at least say that I tolerate it well. I go back for round 2 on Thursday!



Oh man, thank you for caring :heart: :heart: :heart: ! I have a family history of substance abuse so that kind of thing is on my mind a lot. My esketamine is being administered & monitored by a professional in a specific dose so I don't have the option of just buying more if I feel like it. Plus I have no money and no way to find a local ketamine dealer so it's not like I could even if I wanted to lol. I did have that "no! no! more!" reaction when I started coming down so yeah I'm keeping an eye on it...
:heart: No problem.
Whats amazing is that you're monitoring yrself. A good thing. Keep a diary ( not of a drug fiend!☆) but what u going thru / efficacy. The beginning is your receptors trying to understand &connect with this new chemical arrival :: how was your jaw? Any tightening? Watch 'skatey' out of control feelings /episodes...
If u find the right meds and don't abuse em, you may survive this!
I lost/ abused my opportunity.:notsure:
 
nerve

nerve

24 hour sleep cycle
Jun 19, 2019
903
:heart: No problem.
Whats amazing is that you're monitoring yrself. A good thing. Keep a diary ( not of a drug fiend!☆) but what u going thru / efficacy. The beginning is your receptors trying to understand &connect with this new chemical arrival :: how was your jaw? Any tightening? Watch 'skatey' out of control feelings /episodes...
If u find the right meds and don't abuse em, you may survive this!
I lost/ abused my opportunity.:notsure:

I've only ever seen how drug abuse can affect a person's life so I'm not going to say something like "I understand! or "I know exactly what you're feeling!" but I will say that I really hate that you've had to deal with this firsthand. Sometimes I wonder exactly how much control someone has over whether or not they decide to first use that drug they'll eventually become dependent on. Whether by nature or nurture or something completely different, it feels like some people are just...funneled into addiction with no real say.

But I'm not monitoring it myself per se. A nurse came into the room a few times to take my blood pressure and ask how I was doing and I'm sure they're recording that. There honestly wasn't much to monitor though! Nothing in the jaw or anything. Mostly, I just felt really drunk with a side of like...idk maybe not happiness but more of a stillness.
 
TriggerHappy

TriggerHappy

Inthe kingdom ofthe blind; the one-eyed are kings
Jan 24, 2021
1,199
I've only ever seen how drug abuse can affect a person's life so I'm not going to say something like "I understand! or "I know exactly what you're feeling!" but I will say that I really hate that you've had to deal with this firsthand. Sometimes I wonder exactly how much control someone has over whether or not they decide to first use that drug they'll eventually become dependent on. Whether by nature or nurture or something completely different, it feels like some people are just...funneled into addiction with no real say.

But I'm not monitoring it myself per se. A nurse came into the room a few times to take my blood pressure and ask how I was doing and I'm sure they're recording that. There honestly wasn't much to monitor though! Nothing in the jaw or anything. Mostly, I just felt really drunk with a side of like...idk maybe not happiness but more of a stillness.

The only way you can tell when a drug has got hold of u, is when u come off it. I've watched doctors in rehab fall apart and go nuts (babbling to themselves, pacing, pulling hair out their forearms etc). I can't explain it to you :: but constant use has changed me molecularly /chemically :: I have done insane things while high (stealing cars / road tripping to the coast / prostitution / getting arrested etc). In the beginning i was in control. Or so i really thought... In fact this is illusion :: dependency is found in obsessive thoughts / activities while under influence etc. Its insidious. Each withdrawal has become more difficult and as I get older I see more damage done. I'm fit n healthy (gymbunny) but my veins ache, I get creeps n shivers // on bad days I occasionally 'cock' my head like people suffering from tourettes syndrome. Its not that noticeable, but my nervous system is fucked. I fear Parkinsons / done loads of cocaine /Khat so I run the risks... its really not worth it. Sobriety is dismal, using is worse :: im 'ill' not sickly, but not well. (My partner tried to explain this to me before he took his life, now I understand his feelings / the experience..) No hope here...
 
R

ReallyTired

Member
Oct 21, 2021
56
I'm about 15 minutes into my first dose (56mg) of Spravato! I kinda feel like I'm drunk! (Typing is hard right now please excuse any mistakes)

I don't think anyone here has documented their esketamine treatment yet so idk maybe this will be useful to someone but either way I want to talk about it so here it is.

I'm definitely high right now though!!

12:35: Im so happy drugs won the war on drugs!!

12:50: I thought I was starting to feel like a normal human being again but then it was like nah

1:00: I kinda forgot I wasn't home @[email protected] Very relaxed. I have headphones on and Im listening to stuff and then the song ended and I could hear the people in the next room & only then I remembered I was out of the house. Im feeling less floaty but it's still hard to stand. I just tried and started stumbling around and almost fell lol

1:15: Thought I was getting back to normal (again) but then I started listening to the Shadow of the Colossus OST and had to hold back tears.


It honestly feels like I've spent my entire life in this room.

1:40: just confirmed I can stand upright again!
Thank you for sharing. It's very helpful. I'm still considering to get referral to the ketamine clinic to get an infusion. They don't do Spravato there unfortunately. Although, it's quite expensive, I would hate trying hard to save money only to find that it doesn't help my depression. (The cost of ketamine is about the same as trying to order N). It's hard choice. It would be so lovely to have a little break from constant low mood and suicidal thoughts. Do you find esketamine more effective for depression than infusions?
 
nerve

nerve

24 hour sleep cycle
Jun 19, 2019
903
Thank you for sharing. It's very helpful. I'm still considering to get referral to the ketamine clinic to get an infusion. They don't do Spravato there unfortunately. Although, it's quite expensive, I would hate trying hard to save money only to find that it doesn't help my depression. (The cost of ketamine is about the same as trying to order N). It's hard choice. It would be so lovely to have a little break from constant low mood and suicidal thoughts. Do you find esketamine more effective for depression than infusions?

I think a lot of us here are in dire need of a break from the onslaught. Like that's it. Nothing big or dramatic, just some time to look at things with a brain that's not fucking encased in dread and despair. I'm sorry these things have eluded you too so far. It shouldn't be like this.

I've never had an infusion so I can't really say which I find more effective! The FDA here has only approved Spravato so infusions wouldn't be covered by my insurance and yeah I don't the have money for that either lol. Wildly unfair that the world is clamoring for novel treatment approaches to depression like "oooh we gotta help people not kill themselves!!" and then something new actually comes along for the first time in 50 years and it becomes "hmmm no not this though..." Shows how much of a priority mental illness and suicide prevention really are to the people on top. "You shouldn't kill yourself because help is out there! ...But only if you're rich!"

I'm only one treatment in and there's like at least ten more to go, so I'm holding off on judging the effectiveness for now. You hear some people are like "I felt the weight lift immediately!" and others say it took a few weeks so I guess we'll see.

Today was an absolute shit day though so I guess I'm not in that first category :,D
 
Last edited:
TriggerHappy

TriggerHappy

Inthe kingdom ofthe blind; the one-eyed are kings
Jan 24, 2021
1,199
I think a lot of us here are in dire need of a break from the onslaught. Like that's it. Nothing big or dramatic, just some time to look at things with a brain that's not fucking encased in dread and despair. I'm sorry these things have eluded you too so far. It shouldn't be like this.

I've never had an infusion so I can't really say which I find more effective! The FDA here has only approved Spravato so infusions wouldn't be covered by my insurance and yeah I don't the have money for that either lol. Wildly unfair that the world is clamoring for novel treatment approaches to depression like "oooh we gotta help people not kill themselves!!" and then something new actually comes along for the first time in 50 years and it becomes "hmmm no not this though..." Shows how much of a priority mental illness and suicide prevention really are to the people on top. "You shouldn't kill yourself because help is out there! ...But only if you're rich!"

I'm only one treatment in and there's like at least ten more to go, so I'm holding off on judging the effectiveness for now. You hear some people are like "I felt the weight lift immediately!" and others say it took a few weeks so I guess we'll see.

Today was an absolute shit day though so I guess I'm not in that first category :,D
After the highs come the lows... be easy on yrself.
U got loads to get used to..
It will happen, have faith.
 
nerve

nerve

24 hour sleep cycle
Jun 19, 2019
903
The only way you can tell when a drug has got hold of u, is when u come off it. I've watched doctors in rehab fall apart and go nuts (babbling to themselves, pacing, pulling hair out their forearms etc). I can't explain it to you :: but constant use has changed me molecularly /chemically :: I have done insane things while high (stealing cars / road tripping to the coast / prostitution / getting arrested etc). In the beginning i was in control. Or so i really thought... In fact this is illusion :: dependency is found in obsessive thoughts / activities while under influence etc. Its insidious. Each withdrawal has become more difficult and as I get older I see more damage done. I'm fit n healthy (gymbunny) but my veins ache, I get creeps n shivers // on bad days I occasionally 'cock' my head like people suffering from tourettes syndrome. Its not that noticeable, but my nervous system is fucked. I fear Parkinsons / done loads of cocaine /Khat so I run the risks... its really not worth it. Sobriety is dismal, using is worse :: im 'ill' not sickly, but not well. (My partner tried to explain this to me before he took his life, now I understand his feelings / the experience..) No hope here...
When I was younger, I'd sometimes lament that being severely depressed and agoraphobic was probably the least exciting form of mental illness there is. "I'm miserable and fat but if I had anorexia at least then I'd be miserable and skinny." "I'm miserable and bored to tears with life but if I had a drug issue, at least then I'd be miserable and have some good stories." I only just recently realized how immature it was to think that way and how much I was underestimating the sheer physical damage these things can do to a body. Having it drilled into my head that these situations aren't any better than the one I'm in now is really important. So thank you for being honest & forthcoming about this. I almost physically feel the regret in your words on my screen. I don't think I can do much to bring any hope or light into your world, but at the very least I can take your words to heart.

After the highs come the lows... be easy on yrself.
U got loads to get used to..
It will happen, have faith

I completely lose my marbles every month right before my period so it's not like this is unusual or anything. That almost kind of concerns me more since now I have no idea if it's the drugs or the hormones or if I'm just in a shitty mood because I haven't been eating and my blood sugar's low... Wasn't expecting my entire appetite to tank but apparently that's a thing ketamine in general does! No complaints here!

God, it can be so hard for me to "trust the process" as a lot of therapists have put it. So it's actually kind of a weird relief to have someone other than a mental health professional tell me to be a little patient and let things take their course :heart: :hug:
 
seaweaves

seaweaves

they/them pronouns
Oct 25, 2021
67
I don't know you but I definitely like this for you!
Hope it continues to bring you closer to what you want for yourself :)
 
L

LoBea

Member
Oct 27, 2021
7
There is so much solid science behind ketamine therapy. I've been doing the infusions, myself, and due for my seventh one next week. It is a problem that it isn't covered on insurance, and I want to jump on the bandwagon to make that happen.
 
nerve

nerve

24 hour sleep cycle
Jun 19, 2019
903
Round 2 up in this bitch

I had someone come in with me last time in case I freaked out or something but this time im by myself... I think I like it better. I start feeling weird about five to ten minutes after inhaling the spravato. It's sort of a pleasant buzzing sensation?


Real life footage of me on spravato.
 
nerve

nerve

24 hour sleep cycle
Jun 19, 2019
903
That was less intense than the first one! "Intense" feels like the wrong word since it has a sort of negative connotation but I don't mean it that way. Tuesday I was mostly just giggly at the novelty of the experience but it felt like this time I was able to take it in better versus just flowing through it. I came down quicker too. The last 45 minutes or so I felt completely normal this time. Walking was still a challenge but I could stand just fine!

Weird thing I wasn't expecting this soon or at all tbh: household chores required less effort yesterday and this morning. I was starting to cook something Wednesday morning and there weren't any clean bowls the right size. Usually I'd just kind of "ah, it can't be helped, guess I'll actually cook this once I wash some dishes" and then walk away and put it off for however long but this time I just fuckin...washed the dishes. It was weird.
 
nerve

nerve

24 hour sleep cycle
Jun 19, 2019
903
My appointment Tuesday was cancelled so today was the third treatment!

I got bumped up from 56mg to 84mg and I could definitely feel it. Still can kinda. If I look up or turn my head too fast, it feels a little... Laggy is the best word I can use to describe it. They come in to check your blood pressure an hour in and I literally had no idea what the woman was saying. It felt like listening to someone speak another language.

I've heard people say that esketamine doesn't really do anything to target anxiety, but if I'm noticing any difference yet, it's there. It's probably not like this for everyone, but I can see how my anxiety might be tied together with the depression. I do a lot of "don't say that thought. it's stupid anyway and no one really cares that much" in my head when I think about talking to people, but I'm putting less (over)thought into it. I found this really incredible North Korean propaganda video the other day and wanted to talk to someone about it so I just...did? Normally I'd wait months and months until the topic came up in a regular conversation. I'd say I feel more chatty and talkative than before.

I actually sat down and thought about stuff for a little while instead of just dicking around like the first two treatments. I did plenty of dicking around this time too, don't get me wrong, but it was a little more introspective overall. The words "Haven't you suffered enough?" kept popping up in my head and that could really go either way as far as someone contemplating suicide, but it got me thinking at least. Idk I feel a little more sympathetic towards myself like "wow this really sucks and I didn't do anything to deserve this." My retort every time I think about this kind of thing is that it doesn't matter what I deserve and what really counts is what I actually get, whether I'm worthy of it or not. So "this isn't my fault" wasn't a revolutionary line of thought and I was able to do enough mental gymnastics to render it moot as usual, but I haven't thought like that in a while.
I don't know you but I definitely like this for you!
Hope it continues to bring you closer to what you want for yourself :)
Thank you. :hug: I don't have a lot of people in my life who can offer support or kind words, so it means a lot to receive them, even from a stranger :,)
There is so much solid science behind ketamine therapy. I've been doing the infusions, myself, and due for my seventh one next week. It is a problem that it isn't covered on insurance, and I want to jump on the bandwagon to make that happen.
It's so scary that people who might benefit from something like ketamine or psilocybin are literally dying every day the Powers That Be sit around twiddling their thumbs like "suicide prevention is important :^) suicide is a public health crisis we need to do something about :^)" but then hesitate to expand the narrow and often ineffective options for treatment. What's the point of suicide prevention if this person whose suicide we prevent is just going to be ill and miserable and in pain because we don't have any reliable way to help them?
 
nerve

nerve

24 hour sleep cycle
Jun 19, 2019
903
Just finished week 3 and to be honest, I feel awful right now.

The nurse came in to check my blood pressure at the end and ask how things are going. I asked her if she'd seen many people who this just didn't work for. I got the spiel about how most of the work will be done in therapy and some people just don't want to get better. I said that therapy has only ever made me feel worse so she gave the ol "well it can take a while to find one that's a good fit." I told her I'd seen at least 15 therapists and counselors since I was a kid and her response was "Wow!" I'm not sure what to take away from that exchange.

To be honest though, I have doubts about whether or not this person is any good at their job. They had a nursing student shadowing them and every other time this has happened, I'm asked if I'm alright with this person sitting in. Usually I am. This time I'm not. I don't know if I should bring it up or if I'll just be written off as "difficult" or "resistant" if I do. I also asked her to stop telling me about other peoples' experiences with Spravato (she went into about as much detail as someone can without breaking HIPAA) because I'll just compare it to my own and that's not helpful. I guess she forgot that today because she regaled me with a tale of a man whose kids stopped talking to him because he was too depressed and I guess he tried spravato but didn't really want to get better enough so it didn't work and his kids still don't talk to him? Again, I don't know what to take from that. It feels like gossip. I've never had a health care professional talk to me like this. Everyone else there has been really great though!

But I just don't know how to want to get better. All I want is for the pain to stop. Dying would take care of that much more than "becoming better" ever could. Pain is part of being alive, no matter how healthy you are, but it can't touch you once you're dead. I'd be missing out on things, sure, but that seems like a fair price in return for never being abused by my brain ever again. There's nothing I want to do, nowhere I want to go, no one I want to meet, nothing I want to be. The hope has always been that some medication or treatment or whatever would help me start to want things, but now it seems like I'm being told the opposite.

The experience itself is starting to lose its novelty too. I'm too fucked up to stand or do very much for about an hour and then I have another hour to kill before they let me leave.

It's still early but I wonder if I'm just wasting everybody's time and money. I know I'm really fortunate to even have this as an option so I'm not going to throw it away just because the nurse is kind of shitty and I feel bad. I haven't seen any changes yet. There was a weird hour or so on Tuesday where things looked brighter and sharper (there's evidence showing that depression can affect someone's vision and literally make things look darker and fuzzier). Idk if I was imagining it or if I was just high.

I get the weekend off and then go back on Tuesday. I'm appreciating the break.
 
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L

LittleJem

Enlightened
Jul 3, 2019
1,439
@nerve I am so pissed off with that stupid pig ignorant nurse. Who would never say that to someone with cancer - that they don’t want to get better. Treatment resistant depression is an illness not a lifestyle choice.

I hope the Ketamine therapy helps you. You absolutely deserve to give it a full shot. It’s not wasting time and money to give you a chance of getting better.
 
$nowLeopard

$nowLeopard

Student
Oct 30, 2021
138
Don't do too much for a prolonged time or your bladder get irreversible damage and you'll be pissing yourself.
 
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Rustysoupcan

Rustysoupcan

I'm sensitive
May 2, 2020
203
What steps did you take before getting ketamine? I dont think my dr would ever give me that even though I'm on the "most potent" antidepressant there is and I still want to ctb
 
nerve

nerve

24 hour sleep cycle
Jun 19, 2019
903
@nerve I am so pissed off with that stupid pig ignorant nurse. Who would never say that to someone with cancer - that they don’t want to get better. Treatment resistant depression is an illness not a lifestyle choice.

I hope the Ketamine therapy helps you. You absolutely deserve to give it a full shot. It’s not wasting time and money to give you a chance of getting better.

Thank you :hug: I'm also really hoping this changes like anything because if it doesn't, that's probably it for me. My tentative ctb window is "spring/summer 2022" and a lot of that 'tentative' hangs on how well this goes.

You know, I personally don't take exception to the "you have to want it" stuff because I kind of agree. There's that Viktor Frankl quote about how "Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'." For a lot of us, the 'why' is missing and I think that's what people mean when they say you have to "want" it enough. They're just using the absolute worst words to get the point across.

What bothered me was the implication that if this treatment doesn't help you, it's because you didn't try hard enough. Like we basically have no idea how any of these substances work. Anecdotal evidence is great and all but idk why/if this lady thinks she's qualified to give a reason why this works for some people and not for others. "Do you see many people who this doesn't work for?" is a simple yes/no question. I didn't ask for her commentary on the issue. Idk I think she just talks way too much.

Don't do too much for a prolonged time or your bladder get irreversible damage and you'll be pissing yourself.

Thank you for your concern. :hug: They actually mentioned the bladder thing in a like "hey don't be alarmed if you find you need to pee more often" way. I'm not taking straight ketamine like you can get on the street so the "rules" there don't necessarily apply. Someone much more intelligent than I could explain the chemical differences between the two, but my understanding is that esketamine is kind of a "sister drug" to ketamine. So related, but not the same. I'm on a specific dose and can't just go out and buy more if I feel like it. I weighed the pros and cons and decided this is a risk I'm willing to take.

What steps did you take before getting ketamine? I dont think my dr would ever give me that even though I'm on the "most potent" antidepressant there is and I still want to ctb

I've trialed 15+ antidepressants from all classes, along with a few antipsychotics and mood stabilizers. An MAOI was the last ditch effort and once it became clear that it wasn't doing me any good, my doctor (finally) presented me with the options of ECT, TMS, and esketamine. The other two aren't practical for a lot of reasons, so that's how I got here. It might be different for you, but my insurance only approved spravato for me because I've tried so many different things that didn't work and it could be considered a "medical necessity" to prevent me from, y'know, dying. It shouldn't have taken nearly as long for this to be an option but I've moved around a lot and bounced from one doctor to another. I think if I'd stayed in one place and saw the same psychiatrist for any length of time, this would have become an option a lot earlier.
 
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