Xmac000

Xmac000

Somewhere...
May 23, 2018
102
What we fear mostly is the pain that comes before death or surviving a painful attempt and being in pain. Thats whats stopping most people from ctbing. I was sitting around with my N the other day and before the attempt i felt no fear whatsoever. No anxiety or anything. I'm pretty sure if I wasn't indecisive on whether I want to live or not that i could have taken it without a problem or struggle. As you guys know N is painless. I was trying to figure out why I was so calm but I think that explains it.
 
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Warlock
Jul 13, 2018
724
I would be lying if I said I did not have a fear of death.

But my abdomen and torso are riddled with surgical scars. I have endured levels of physical and emotional pain for long periods of time that would drive a person here. After all that I have endured, what is just a little more pain? What is just a little bit more physical agony? In the greater scheme of things, it's truly nothing. If you want it badly enough, you will tolerate the pain that comes with it.
 
MortDeVivre

MortDeVivre

"If a battle cannot be won, do not fight it."
May 31, 2018
140
Surviving is pretty much the only thing for me. N wouldn't even guarantee my death, as I read certain kinds of medications can mess with your liver and extend the dying process (beyond the time frame during which I can leave the house). I'd prefer jumping, but for reasons I can't share, it's not an option, and I'm trying to find a way around that. I'm just not comfortable with the idea of gambling half a thousand dollars like this.
 
C

camaleaorei

New Member
Jul 17, 2018
1
What we fear mostly is the pain that comes before death or surviving a painful attempt and being in pain. Thats whats stopping most people from ctbing. I was sitting around with my N the other day and before the attempt i felt no fear whatsoever. No anxiety or anything. I'm pretty sure if I wasn't indecisive on whether I want to live or not that i could have taken it without a problem or struggle. As you guys know N is painless. I was trying to figure out why I was so calm but I think that explains it.

it's definitely not about physical pain
 
Vvcv

Vvcv

-
Jul 17, 2018
39
Yeah, that's the main reason I keep postponing death. The moment I actually choose to kill myself will be the end, because even if I fail I expect to have enough meds for more attempts and once I start I won't want to stop.
 
K

Ktmnny

Member
Jul 17, 2018
38
For me what is stopping me from ctb, the fear, is not so much the fear of the physical pain of dying or pain following failed attempt. Because I am pretty sure I will be successful.
For me, i still have a small 1.34% sliver of hope that makes me think "what if things were about to get better" "what if something good was about to happen"
Because over the last 15 years i have to admit there have been a couple of good times. But then I remember even if something good does happen, 100% chance I will end up back here again eventually.
 
L

Life sucks

Enlightened
Apr 18, 2018
1,864
Yea, I want a good method like N. Failure is not acceptable so I'm not rushing things and keep researching. Choosing a painful method doesn't match the peace of choosing to end the life. Also I have my sufferings and pain already, I don't want more pain for non-guranteed result.

In addition to that, time flow is fast and filling it with distractions make ctb delayed indefinitely
 
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Justanotherconsumer

Justanotherconsumer

Paragon
Jul 9, 2018
974
What we fear mostly is the pain that comes before death or surviving a painful attempt and being in pain. Thats whats stopping most people from ctbing. I was sitting around with my N the other day and before the attempt i felt no fear whatsoever. No anxiety or anything. I'm pretty sure if I wasn't indecisive on whether I want to live or not that i could have taken it without a problem or struggle. As you guys know N is painless. I was trying to figure out why I was so calm but I think that explains it.
Have you made an attempt with the n? And if so, what were the results?
 
Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
633
Not in my case. For me, it really is just the act dying. Even a 100% guaranteed, completely painless death would still be almost impossible for me to go through with. The potential panic of dying in the moment, combined with the bone chilling terror of facing what might lie beyond the veil of death, makes suicide feel completely beyond my ability to accomplish. Fear, weakness, & laziness. The three unbeatable bosses guarding the gates of death. Like the "Ruin Sentinels" from Dark Souls 2 on crack, or a three way gank squad of overpowered black phantoms. No matter how well prepared I'd be, they'll always grind me into the dirt. Perhaps if I level up with enough souls (pain, in this instance) I'll finally be able to overcome them someday, but somehow I doubt it.

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Definitelyworried

Definitelyworried

Member
Jun 19, 2018
555
Not in my case. For me, it really is just the act dying. Even a 100% guaranteed, completely painless death would still be almost impossible for me to go through with. The potential panic of dying in the moment, combined with the bone chilling terror of facing what might lie beyond the veil of death, makes suicide feel completely beyond my ability to accomplish. Fear, weakness, & laziness. The three unbeatable bosses guarding the gates of death. Like the "Ruin Sentinels" from Dark Souls 2 on crack, or a three way gank squad of overpowered black phantoms. No matter how well prepared I'd be, they'll always grind me into the dirt. Perhaps if I level up with enough souls (pain, in this instance) I'll finally be able to overcome them someday, but somehow I doubt it.

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I kind of needed someone to say something like this right now. I'm feeling horrible and I could relate to this at the moment.
 
N

nuclearsnake

Student
Jul 11, 2018
147
I really wish it wasn't so fucking difficult to end yourself. If assisted suicide was an option for I'd do it in an instant. The pain and the likehood of not surviving and even going vegetable is scary as fuck and I'd rather not have to deal with that.

Death itself scares me on some days but once I'm gone I won't care anymore.
 
T

transgenderfailure

Subhuman Creature
Apr 30, 2018
112
I am uncertain about my method (Fentanyl powder) and worried about my parents and siblings..
 
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nuclearsnake

Student
Jul 11, 2018
147
Sometimes I wonder how weird this world is and I start to wonder if there is an afterlife.

"How strange it is to be anything at all."

It's really an odd thing. I don't really believe in an afterlife but I'm certain that after we die we just cease to be and there's nothing.
If there's really an afterlife I hope it isn't as shitty as whatever the fuck this existence is supposed to be.
 
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Definitelyworried

Definitelyworried

Member
Jun 19, 2018
555
"How strange it is to be anything at all."

It's really an odd thing. I don't really believe in an afterlife but I'm certain that after we die we just cease to be and there's nothing.
If there's really an afterlife I hope it isn't as shitty as whatever the fuck this existence is supposed to be.
If I knew for sure that there is no afterlife, I would be ok with that and I would feel better about death. Sometimes I feel that if I commit suicide I will go to hell, other times I feel like I could be going to hell even if I don't commit suicide, sometimes I feel like I'm in hell already. But if there is a much better afterlife that would be cool, I would like to go to heaven.
But I'm ok with no afterlife, I just don't know what to think.
 
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S

Ssname

Experienced
Jun 30, 2018
268
Hard to say without being in the situation but I don't think the death itself scares me and I am pretty sure I could do myethod easily. For me it is literally just the people I leave behind that has me slightly undecided.
 
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ready2ctb

Member
Jul 12, 2018
19
I'm scared of living I'm scared of dying, I'm really scared of everything, this eally sucks.
It makes me want to just end it, but the fear is holding me back.
Hey, I'm exactly in the same situation. My life is just about anxiety, I'm scared of everything, even of dying. Without my medication I can't think well, I'm just making panic attacks and I'm even not able to kill myself. With my medication I'm calmer but my mind is blurried and I can't take a claer decision to kill myself. I'm so desperate...
 
Definitelyworried

Definitelyworried

Member
Jun 19, 2018
555
Hey, I'm exactly in the same situation. My life is just about anxiety, I'm scared of everything, even of dying. Without my medication I can't think well, I'm just making panic attacks and I'm even not able to kill myself. With my medication I'm calmer but my mind is blurried and I can't take a claer decision to kill myself. I'm so desperate...
Yeah I know that feeling, I'm not medicated though. I'm scared to go on medication.
 
Lucas

Lucas

Member
May 26, 2018
81
It's easier when you realize death is just part of life and fear of death usually stems from the fear of not having experienced life to its fullest potentional. And you can get rid off that fear when you realize that it's a feeling that you will never be able to satisfy truly, it will always be there. It's a lost fight. There would be always new stuff to do and explore. Once you get rid off that, it gets much easier because death opens so many possibilites: the worst case, it's nothing forever or it's the next stage of something. I still have that much faith in universe that it would be insane to punish anybody who's dead, nobody gains anything from it because we all will die so there has to be some kind of natural system in place.

I guess my point is that death itself is not good or bad, it's just how we look at it. Also, many people who have had near death experiences have said that the process of dying is one of the most peaceful things they have experienced.

I think the great thing about N is that it truly mimics the natural ideal death I would say and you always die in your sleep. And people who have survived (due being found, that's always the case, not the method itself unless the stuff wasn't pure) have said it felt like nothing. Plus they wouldn't use it for animals if it would be unhumain or cruel way to go.
 
Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
633
fear of death usually stems from the fear of not having experienced life to its fullest potentional.

Strongly disagree. In my case, fearing death has absolutely nothing to do with some foolish, pollyannish notion of "not having experienced life to the fullest" and all to do with confronting, and hopefully someday overcoming, the real, tangible biological mechanisms that ruthlessly drive each and every one of us. Pain & fear keeps all of us going. End of story. Tragically, it keeps some of us going even when the time has long past that one would have any wish at all left to keep "living", assuming they had any desire to do so in the fist place that is. Those such as myself are simply trapped in coffins constructed of our own flesh, with tubes shoved down our respective throats to keep us alive for no other reason than that's what this infernal thing is designed to do. Just as if we were a walking life support patient in the style of a Silent Hill-ish monstrosity inspired from the likes of Francis Bacon or H.R. Giger. And live, you say? Live for what? In what? This wasteland, this void, this boundless abyss. How could anyone with a straight face say there's anything here at all that could be of any value to anyone, in even the smallest degree, if not for the collective delusions we harbor that we all know deceive us? For me, the answer to that question, has, and will always be, nothing. There's nothing here. Anyway, I don't mean to go on & on about it, but, frankly, I've just always found the overall notion that if someone is unable to bring themselves to commit suicide out of the considerable resistance the body & mind put up to stop it out of an unconscious, machine-like mandate to preserve itself, then, surely, that must mean the person in question must secretly want to live, to be truly odious/annoying and, by & large in most cases, I'd argue to be demonstrably false as well. What the bio-mechanical meatsuit I'm forced to wear wants and what the ephemeral I wants, are simply two separate things in situations like these. The biologically programmed tenacity of the survival instinct can be quite formidable, but how the struggle with it as a suicidal individual can be misconstrued as betraying some fictitious desire to live, by the ignorant people observing said struggle, when in fact the opposite is true, is beyond me.


death itself is not good or bad

Death, while a blessed release from existence, is also part of what makes it so insidious in the first place. We're born to be annihilated and have our animal impulses fill us with crippling existential terror as a result (among other things, for starters). In that sense, death is just as awful as life. Another wretched piece in the phantasmagorical nightmare which encompasses this reality that none of us should have needed to be burdened with in the first place, had it not been for this shitty universe coming into being and spawning such twisted creations as the DNA molecule.

latest



 
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saffron

saffron

Student
Jul 18, 2018
128
There's definitely an afterlife and hell doesn't exist.
 
D

Deleted_9cKnXB34QG

Mage
Jun 26, 2018
503
I'm terrified of two things - somehow surviving my attempt and becoming a vegetable or dying only to be reborn, as stupid as it sounds. I mean I was born once, so there's no guarantee that it won't happen again. What if there is no eternal peace, no escape from the cycle of life?

I know this is ridiculous, but still...
 
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D

DeadManWalking

Member
Jul 9, 2018
10
Yeah, for me it's the fear of surviving that holds me back.

Psychologically, I'm fine with the concept of being in pain for a few minutes if it means no more pain again, ever.

The consequences of failure, though, are way worse than my current pain. It seems like the only people who end up fine after a suicide attempt are the ones who use cry-for-help methods like pills/poisoning, wristcutting, making a scene by threatening to jump, etc. For firearms or hanging, there's going to be some huge declines in quality of life if you survive.
 

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