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nonexistance

nonexistance

Member
Jun 16, 2018
40
I kept hoping I will find closure with the world, that I would reach a state in which I would know for sure that I want to die, with no hesitation, day after day. That might never happen and if I want to choose a rational suicide, I will have to work around that illusion.
Even if I were old, crippled, poor, lonely and in pain, I would still hesitate to end it, because something good might happen the next day. I would meet someone with whom I would laugh a lot or something and that would somehow make the whole thing worth it. That illusion will never go away, even if I am aware that it is an illusion. It's a glitch I have to work around. I will feel like I have an unfinished business and an undefined hope till the very end. It is what it is. Now, even if my desires do come true they will fade away and they will make my suicide even harder, since they will make me cling to life.
There is not a single day from my life which I would like to live again. And I usually lived life "my way", I traveled a lot, I had a lot of spare time, etc.. I have what would be called a good life, maybe even an "awesome" life from some standards. And yet - not one single day that I would live again. None. The best days I had were days in which I was under the illusion of hope (working hard while expecting a reward, traveling to an event expecting it to be great, getting to know a person hoping for some romantic "happily ever after" etc). And now I'm not that young anymore, so whatever comes now - it can't be that good. My "best case scenario" at this point is for me to befriend other like-minded people (philosophical pessimists) with which I would laugh a lot and have intellectual conversations, mixed with a lot of traveling as a way of escapism and a very graceful and healthy aging. Chances of that happening are low and would fade into ennui, suffering and old age regardless.
But my brain refuses to understand that so my strategy around it (since I cannot cancel it) is to simply think that the chances of it happening are too low - say 5% with a level of satisfaction of mild intensity, with the rest of the probability 95% of suffering, ennui, misanthropy, loneliness, aging, etc. So why gamble?
Another problem I have regarding suicide and closure is that I will not know that it worked. I will perform the hardest action a man can perform and there will be no reward in me knowing that I did it. None. All the struggle, zero the reward.
So yes. It will be a frustrating end, full of mixed feelings and uncertainty. It is what it is. I will have no deal with it.
This imperfect, frustrating, hard and torturous end is the best I can get. It is what it is.
 
M

millefeui

-
Mar 31, 2018
1,036
"Another problem I have regarding suicide and closure is that I will not know that it worked."

You don't know that. You don't know what comes after death, if anything comes after it at all. So how can you say that you won't know if it worked? Speaking in absolutes when you have no proofs of anything isn't smart. Being open-minded and considering possibilities is.

Anyways, I can't help you with your dilemma. It is very different for me as I don't need any closure. There is nothing this life could throw at me that would make me reconsider my decision. So, good luck.
 
Aponia & Ataraxia

Aponia & Ataraxia

Experienced
Jun 24, 2018
235
"There's no such thing as ageing gracefully. I don't meet people who want to get Alzheimer's disease, or who want to get cancer or arthritis or any of the other things that afflict the elderly. Ageing is bad for you, and we better just actually accept that." -Aubrey de Grey

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mortality_salience

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perspectival_realism

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centered_world

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Specious_present

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_line#World_lines_in_literature

"Everyone will die once, so we have to get it right the first time" -Dr. Richard Chye

"I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact" -Elon Musk

"In what state of consciousness would I eventually like to die?" -Thomas Metzinger

~ positive anticipation > negative anticipation : https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chutzpah
 
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Jon86

Jon86

Specialist
Apr 9, 2018
371
I think we're all waiting for a day when death will come calling but it most likely never will

In the end, you'll have to face your fears of death and force your hand to pull the trigger. It will never feel 'right'.
 
Severen

Severen

Enlightened
Jun 30, 2018
1,819
"There's no such thing as ageing gracefully. I don't meet people who want to get Alzheimer's disease, or who want to get cancer or arthritis or any of the other things that afflict the elderly. Ageing is bad for you, and we better just actually accept that." -Aubrey de Grey

Ageing gracefully is killing yourself before you become a senior citizen.
 
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Volatile

Volatile

God
Jun 18, 2018
1,286
Read The Stranger by Albert Camus. You’ll get your closure.
 

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