Rest is best
- Apr 30, 2018
I've never said all this so bear with me. I had an early childhood groin injury that I never got addressed because I was ashamed and it made having sex impossible later in life. It also gave me depression at an early age and I was bullied for being quiet and anti social. I was however able to get honours during highschool and was into running and working out. I was usually the second fastest runner when it came to our yearly long distance run. I'd always go for a jog when I felt depressed or anxious and it really helped me cope. When I was 16 I got involved with the wrong friend group and neglected my school work in favor of partying. I was still able to get honors for grade 11 but I nearly failed grade 12. During grade 12 I started really smoking pot and skipping classes after two of my friends passed away in a car crash. This made me pretty much give up on my dreams of going to post secondary because my marks were below the prerequisites for even the local college. During all this my parents nearly disowned me for throwing away my future. They also had marital problems that made it really stressful living with them. It was a year after highschool and I still had no ambition to go to school so they forced me to get a job or said they'd kick me out. So thats when I started working at a small family owned utility company and worked there for 5 years. I lost contact with most of my friends because it was a work-away kind of job and I was rarely in town for long. The company had horrible safety practices that left me with messed up shoulders, chronic back pain, hearing loss, and a bunch of dirt lodged in my eyes. I also broke my knee and hit my head while longboarding during my second year working there. This left me unable to run anymore and gave me memory/concentration problems. Fast forward to last year.. all the long hours working on residential roads with no access to a washroom has left me with kidney + digestive tract damage making life even worse because I can't work anymore without making my problems worse so last week I moved back in with my parents..(more on that in a bit).. My teeth are in horrible shape aswell because at work I never had time in the morning to go back to the hotel room and brush my teeth... we'd get up at 6 and drive to McDonald's or Tim hortons for breakfast then go straight to work at 7... my old boss is 28 and has already lost all of his molars so it's not like he'd be sympathetic (dumb ass probably thinks it's normal). His dad owns the company and had dentures when he was 40.. and his other son's teeth are all green and rotten and he's only like 32..... I used to have perfect straight teeth with no cavities... and now I have periodontal gum disease meaning I'll need multiple teeth pulled once the decay has set in a bit more. I'm also up all night now going to the washroom like an old man even though I'm in my mid 20's because of my kidney problems. I've also gained a bunch of weight since leaving work... On top of all that I had a really shitty roomate for the past 8 months that had like 8 cats (3 to begin with then one had kittens) and they pissed on everything that wasn't in my room. I forgot to close my door one time and they pissed on my bed and my blankets aswell. My roomate also wasnt working for a while (but for no good reason) so when I was away at work he rented out the room beside mine to a crack head. When I finally moved out all my stuff smelled like cat piss and crack smoke... and I had to throw most of it out. If I had a second chance I'd go back and tell myself to never get involved with drugs/alcohol and focus on schoolwork... I could've had a master's degree by now and still been in near perfect health But I'm way past the point of no return because my shitty life choices have ruined everything. I'd much rather be dead then spend the next 40 or 50 years dealing with all my health issues even though I doubt I'd make it that long. Tomorrow I will walk into the woods and never return. I failed my parents and they will never be able to get over me being gone but atleast they'll know I'm no longer suffering.