Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
I hate this feeling. It makes me feel even more meaningless than now. I thought I was strong enough for dealing with it but no. I was wrong. Very wrong.

Nobody will never like me. Everybody will treat me as a waste. They dislike me and I can't avoid hating them all. Fuck them. You will receive the same treat you gave me.

But even if I would find good people, persons who won't make me wanting to puke, they will dislike me anyway. I'm sure. It ever happened. I don't fit in any place. I feel out of every place I was. The only people who are able to listen me... I don't know why they spend their time listening me. I guess is because they feel sorry for me. I don't find another explanation. They could be doing something better for them with the time they waste listening my shit.

And won't never forge an emotional link with nobody. Just because I'm completely unabled to do it. I'm tiring and I'm the less interesting person I never saw. And you don't know how this feeling is. I saw some people posting how uninteresting they are, but I assure ALL you here are interesting. You all are more interesting by far than the shitty people I interact everyday.
Not like me. I never had anything to offer to other's life. I'm unbearable.

This is the reason why I hope never falling in love. I will be refused as I ever was it. But even if I am not refused, being with me will be impossible. He or she will leave me and I will feel worse than before. I'm the kind of person who never should interact with other people. Everybody is better without me. I'm only made for annoying others, or even harm them. I'm sure that even if I had a dog he would hate and attack me. I just was born for meaning nothing to others.

In the school I never had a good friend. Before having 10 years I was struggling with loneliness. They were all shitty and despicable but this isn't the important thing. The point is: I never could have people who really cares of me or viceversa. I'm absolutely incompatible with everybody and I'm condemned to being more meaningless than anyone. The persons EVER will prefer being with absolutely any other person than me. And this feeling remained for all my life.

When I discovered this place I found it a pleasant place for expressing myself and don't feeling so bad. But all this thoughts came massively to my head. I was really near of not creating this account. The fact I were able to do it still impresses me. But I shouldn't did it. And you guys would be better if my account was deleted without having to read all the shit I post. And I can't avoid it because without it I don't know how I could handle all my suffering.

And I recently discovered there was something called reddit that I don't even know how it works where people talk between them in a similar way. Of course I never will join it for the same reason. The feeling of huge pressure and thoughts wandering in my head. "Go out". "You are unnecessary". "They have enough problems without you". I eventually would leave it, like the Discord, like another communities I left, like all my "friend" groups. I just don't fit in any place. Now I'm anxious, I feel pressure in my heart, like stabbing in and out and heavy breathing. I should commit suicide as soon as possible if I find the guts to go. So I cannot live and I cannot die. I just want to lie in despair. Fuck myself. Fuck everything.
 
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M

Maggotymaggots

-
Apr 18, 2018
54
I haven't had a chance to read too many of your posts, but the ones I have, I found very insightful. I think you add a lot to the conversation.

I get it, though. I've never had a close bond with another human being. I could never understand why the few friends I did have would want to be around me. I'm lucky enough that I'm just used of it to some degree I guess, though I do still feel a bit lonely every now and again.

I'm a bit surprised I made an account too. Even very "safe" forms of socialization like this make me feel extremely anxious. I never reread anything I write. I always think I sound like such a fucking idiot. Posting here does help me feel a bit better, though, I think.

At any rate, I'm sorry you've been feeling so horrible. I don't think anyone here would want to delete your account. I wouldn't want you to, at least, as again, I've really enjoyed reading your posts.
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
Now I'm having conflicted emotions and dangerous changes of mood. I alternate between furious, anxious and sad. When I think in my situation I refuse assuming it and I react violently driving me to wrath. After it I see I can't do anything to change it and I must deal with it as I will be alive causinge a lot of stress. And when I finally assume it I feel despair, lack of care and a deep sadness. But few time later I want to deny it making me feel fury again, and repeating this cycle once, another time, and other...

Neverending...
 
Nauseated

Nauseated

Insomnio
Jun 26, 2018
224
These feelings are the creation of someone's mind who has never developed proper self esteem tbh I think you should get a dog I think it would help you a lot and contrary to what you think that dog will love your guts out as long as you feed it and love it back you should consider it.
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
These feelings are the creation of someone's mind who has never developed proper self esteem tbh I think you should get a dog I think it would help you a lot and contrary to what you think that dog will love your guts out as long as you feed it and love it back you should consider it.
It was an example. The truth is I can't have pets. I'm very allergic and having a dog near makes me harder to breathe and my skin itches a lot.
 
Nauseated

Nauseated

Insomnio
Jun 26, 2018
224
It was an example. The truth is I can't have pets. I'm very allergic and having a dog near makes me harder to breathe and my skin itches a lot.
I'm sorry to hear that man. There are certain cats that are hypoallergenic and cause less of those issues maybe something to look into.
 
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Aponia & Ataraxia

Aponia & Ataraxia

Experienced
Jun 24, 2018
235
It's not that you are meaningless, the majority of people on this planet are leading quite meaningless lives by any decent objective measure of well-being (they just aren't conscious of it) --that is to say, I'd be in even more severe despair having many a billion of the human lives on this planet (not just those in undeveloped nations, but the developed nations as well). On the flip-side, many lives just 100 years in the future are far better than any of ours down here in the early-21st century. We're the unlucky few. It's really not our fault that by definition: you'd have to be exceedingly unlucky to have been born in place where time itself is colored abrasive, the fallout of this parameter alone leading to ridiculous amounts of complexity and suffering. Human civilization is largely devoid of rationalism & compassion, and is unfortunately likely to remain that way for quite a while. I blame the extroverts for lacking introspection/contemplation (apologies to any extroverts on here; hell, technically they cannot be blamed for lacking the inclination to think about things too deeply... haha jk). For what it's worth, you've certainly made my stay more bearable by interacting with me on here. I'd say you've added value to the lives of others, although I'm deeply sorry it has to be via this digital medium and not face-to-face.
 
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