Death is all I have left
- May 8, 2022
I remember someone recently saying lost love isn’t a good reason for suicide. Years ago when I was very young, I would’ve agreed. Now that I’m much older and had many relationships and experienced losing the true love of my life, I understand. Some of you know my story regarding this, and some of you know that I tried to bring us back together and instead was manipulated and strung along very cleverly by this man and I had absolutely no idea because he was that good at manipulation. Years have gone by and I still love him. They said therapy and drowning yourself with medications would work… it didn’t. They said bettering yourself would work… it didn’t. They said doing every possible fucking thing that one does to move on would work and it didn’t. In the past it has for me, but I realized this relationship wasn’t like those of the past… I tried dating others but feel I’m just faking it, putting on a beautiful act and I had to stop because I view it as inhumane to mislead an innocent person just because I was mislead. Was my mental health the reason for the break up? Yes. Did I try to fight for the relationship? Yes. What isn’t my fault though is being told they wanted to try again, romancing me as they always had, making me think the love was still there, making me think they did accept mental illness and wanted me back…. I had been through so much before this man and I took a big leap letting him into my life… I warned him that being hurt again could lead to serious trauma because of the way my life was set up and he made promises not to… he strung me along those two years and now MANY years later I still love him, and am deeply hurt. We can’t control who we love and when you love deeply, it isn’t the same as any old relationship and it took me growing up and being in that situation to actually realize sometimes you never move on and that there isn’t always another person after the one before…. This contributes so much to me wanting to kill myself because of the years we were together, the age I met him, the point of my life I was in… and more. I have parts of me to him I’ve never given another partner before…. There was so much and these people feed you this lie that it always gets better and it doesn’t. Without him, I feel so empty inside. Nobody understands me except some people on this forum who are going through that exact same shit too…. Some have been going like this for years and it stings. It stings so bad and everyday is just horrible. On top of that my family hates my existence and I’m reminded constantly I should’ve been aborted which to an extent, I agree with. I wouldn’t be suffering had my mother terminated like she was fucking supposed to. She knew I’d have mental disabilities yet decided to being me into this world against her judgement…. Now I’m here with physical health issues because of that breakup and family abandonment, unable to finish college, and wasting away. I’m ready to die this summer and I just pray my survival instincts don’t kick in too hard. I pray I’m able to successfully die with my friend and we don’t have to suffer here anymore. This forum is a place for me to vent and I need it so so much. I cry every single day and have for years because of this.