Death is all I have left
- May 8, 2022
No offense, but this isn’t comparable to my situation, like, at ALL. There is no magic “epiphany” and there are many people like me who are much older, still dealing with it.I don't think it's a legitimate reason to CTB, at least not for me. Not just of itself.
I met a girl in high school. She was, actually, my best friend's girlfriend at the time. She was a couple years younger than either of us. When I first met her (we'll call her "D" from now on) it was at his house after school. It was one of those things at the time that you don't realize the significance of it, being young and dumb. I'll never forget walking in his front door and seeing D sitting on a bed they had set up in their living room. Our eyes met and I just couldn't take my eyes off of her, nor she me. It was like those things that are portrayed in the movies across rooms, except this was real, and it actually happened. She was my friend's "step-sister", in quotes because his mom and her dad had not, yet, married. But, they had everyone (I think like 9 total people) living in one small house and it was crowded. I guess my feelings, and hers, became known, eventually, and we got together. But, it was an up, and down, and up, and down roller-coaster ride.
Her dad had six kids from his previous marriage, and he and his ex-wife lost all of them to foster care. He was in the process of trying to straighten his shit out and get them back. Coincidentally, he bought a house right around the corner from my father's house and started to get his kids back. That was great because D and I were so near to each other. D used to get up early in the morning every day and leave notes under my windshield wiper before I went to work. D used to come down and just sit with me for hours in my dad's garage while I did bodywork on an old car I was fixing up. Things were really good then. I was just 18 years old and things were good. Until they weren't. Her dad lost the kids, again, and they ended up in different foster houses. D ended up across town and I was unable to see her because the foster family was really strict, although we did talk on the phone as often as possible. Over many months the talking on the phone slowed down to a trickle and eventually stopped. I started seeing someone else.
Eventually, months later, D's dad got her and the other kids back again. Pretty much right away I found myself drawn to her again, which resulted (obviously) in bringing my current relationship I was in to an end. D came back a little different, though. She was pregnant from someone she had met while in her last foster house. It didn't matter to me and the father didn't want anything to do with the, eventual, child that would be arriving (as I was told). Well, D's baby arrived and all was good still. After some time, normal bickering and the like resulted in us breaking up. Again, I found a new girlfriend, and D probably found a new boyfriend, but something would happen, and I can't remember what it is, that drove us back together again. So, I had to end the other relationship I was in and D had to do the same. This scenario played itself out one more time, with a breakup between me and D, each of us finding new relationships in the interim, only to find ourselves drawn back to each other, and then having to end relationships with others. Eventually, we broke up and moved on.
Years later, I met someone, we got pregnant, I proposed, I bought a house, and we moved in together. She had two kids from a previous relationship. Long story short, she lost the baby but we stayed together. We argued a lot. No violence or anything, but we fought all the time. I didn't trust her and she never gave me a good reason to trust her. I guess it's just difficult to try and make a relationship work with step-children involved (not real step-children since we weren't married, but same scenario). I just wasn't ready for all that. We drifted apart more and more and broke up. It was a bad break-up for sure.
I don't know why it happened, but after the break-up with my fiance', I was staying at my dad's house for a short time, even though I had my house. Maybe just to be around people. I don't know. I'll never forget this day. It was Superbowl Sunday 1998. I was getting ready to go into work in the morning, and I was listening to the news on TV. I just caught a little of the story, but I heard D's last name mentioned. I went out to the living room and listened more to the story and found out that a young woman was in the hospital after being beat on the head by her husband with a frying pan, and her daughter had been tied-up in the basement and held hostage. The story was about D and the daughter she had while we were together, now older, maybe 7 or 8, but I'm not sure. I knew D had married some guy (not the father of the daughter) and were living in a duplex that D's dad had purchased. I went to work, but found out later that day that D had succumbed to her injuries and that the police had convinced the husband to let the daughter go and to surrender. As more of the story came out, apparently D wasn't feeling good that day and was trying to take a nap on the couch, but her husband wanted D to get up and make him some food. When she wouldn't, he tied the daughter up in the basement, then went and got a frying pan and beat D on her head repeatedly.
Fast forward to about 7 or 8 years ago. I was sitting around doing some reflection on my life and I had one of those "epiphany" moments. It was something I had never realized before and everything made sense all at once. When D and I were together, and then would break-up, and then would get back together, and then would break-up again, and then would get back together again, three times in total, and when I had new girlfriends each time, it was ALWAYS D that I found myself drawn to again and again. She was the ONE who always came between me and a current girlfriend at the time. Yes, the first thing that would happen is that D and I had a physical encounter. In those instances, the physical encounters led to my having to break-up with current girlfriends, and D having to break-up with current boyfriends.
The other part of the "epiphany" is that, even though I never physically cheated with D when I was engaged to my fiance', I did cheat on my fiance' emotionally. I never realized it at the time, but all I ever did in my mind was compare my fiance' to D, in every and all aspects of our relationship. I just never put it together at the time. D still managed to get in the way, albeit not physically. And no, I don't blame D for that. I don't blame anyone, not even myself. Looking back, I couldn't help myself and didn't even realize what was going on. I only realized all this 18 years after me and my fiance' broke up.
This has to make me amongst the dumbest pieces-of-shit to have ever walked this earth. Why couldn't I have realized all of this earlier, before D was murdered? In some way or fashion, physically, emotionally, or both, D got in between me and EVERY other relationship I had since meeting her, right up until my last one 25 years ago with my ex-fiance'. It's just so blatantly obvious and I just couldn't see it. D was THE ONE that comes around once in a lifetime and before I could understand that, she was taken from me. After I realized this, I made a vow to D that I would never pursue or have another relationship with anyone, and I haven't, and I won't. I go to "see" her at the cemetery all the time and tell her how sorry I am for not realizing sooner that she was THE ONE for me and that I couldn't save her, or save us.
The whole point in telling this story is to say that I still don't think it's enough to CTB just because you lost the love of your life. I lost the love of my life, the one who only comes around once, but still have hung around for 25 years, although I did so because I knew my parents needed me. They're both gone now and my work , whatever it has been in this shit-hole place called earth, is done. I'm just saying I think there has to be more than just a lost love. I've had a lot of other bad circumstances happen to me in my life, and the totality of them all is what has driven me to need to CTB. As much as I love D, and ALWAYS will, and as much as my heart aches for her on a daily basis, if all of the other things in my life hadn't happened (or all of the inherent things that comprise me as me wasn't so; I have other issues), I don't think I would be wanting to CTB right now. Well, it won't be right now. I'm getting things in order in my life, which will take just a little while longer. I'm working towards being able to go, and go I shall, mark my words. I plan on keeping my vow to D, so that negates that pathway to any happiness for me. But, there's plenty of other reasons I can never be truly happy. I'm a mess. My life is a mess. Things just get worse as we age, and I don't want to deal with all that. I'm already having some physical issues that just started a couple weeks ago, which I thought I was going to be able to avoid at 56, but, hopefully, probably, being able to CTB at 57 sometime will avoid the worst. Might have to speed things up a bit. Regardless, for me it's not just that D is gone and I can't be with her. That's part of it, no doubt. For me it's more the accumulation of a whole bunch of things that just ended up weighing down one side of a balance scale, which signifies the reasons I need to go, versus the other side of the balance scale, which signifies reasons to stay, and I just can't come up with ANYTHING to put on the side signifying stay. Nothing. And I've tried.
Just think things through and do what is right for you. Do some reflection about your life. Maybe you'll have some kind of epiphany, too. Good luck whatever you decide.