• Welcome! SanctionedSuicide is a forum for the discussion of mental illness and suicide. Please read our rules and our Principles.
    If you are in need of immediate support, please call the Samaritans hotline at (877) 870-4673, or check our recovery resources.

L

Lisa

Specialist
May 9, 2018
304
Hi Guys

I’ve been suicidal for almost 2 years

Will ctb January 2019

I began working on my plan one year ago

I decided on my method, my location, figured out what I want to do with tying up loose ends. So I’ve been working on all of this, though it’s at a slower pace than I used to be. I lay in bed all day seldom leave the house.

I’ve read a lot of your posts and I’m just comparing notes I guess.

I find that there is a good percentage of people on these sites who are single, or chronically ill, or unhappy with their appearance or finances.

I’m just wondering if there are people who want to ctb for reasons other than lack of love, lack of beauty, lack of health, lack of finances? Or are those the main reasons?

For me, those aren’t my reasons. I’m married, healthy, good financial situation and a model (a pretty one). I feel alone in that I don’t have the typical reasons behind my desire to go. My reason is emotional and that i feel it’s my time to go because of things that happened in my life.

Anyone else out there in similar situation?
 
Sonnenblume

Sonnenblume

Sunflower Panda
Apr 6, 2018
588
I'm cbt'ing today, but wanted to answer this. It's an interesting topic. I'm chronically ill, so I don't have much choice but to CTB, or suffer for the next 50+ years. However, even when times were good, and I had almost everything one is supposed to want, friends, a cute cat I loved, plenty of dates, a comfy apartment, blah blah blah... I still would have chosen (a peaceful) death over those things. Not, exactly, for emotional reasons, I suppose, but more so to mitigate against future suffering.

Edit: I wanted to add, if you feel bad because you don't have the same reason's... like you think you shouldn't want to ctb because you're not in a situation like most of us here... don't. Pain is pain, everyone has a right own their pain and process it in whatever way they want, as long as it doesn't harm others.
 
Last edited:
L

Lisa

Specialist
May 9, 2018
304
I'm cbt'ing today, but wanted to answer this. It's an interesting topic. I'm chronically ill, so I don't have much choice but to CTB, or suffer for the next 50+ years. However, even when times were good, and I had almost everything one is supposed to want, friends, a cute cat I loved, plenty of dates, a comfy apartment, blah blah blah... I still would have chosen (a peaceful) death over those things. Not, exactly, for emotional reasons, I suppose, but more so to mitigate against future suffering.

Edit: I wanted to add, if you feel bad because you don't have the same reason's... like you think you shouldn't want to ctb because you're not in a situation like most of us here... don't. Pain is pain, everyone has a right own their pain and process it in whatever way they want, as long as it doesn't harm others.
Thank You Sonnenblume I appreciate your response. Makes me feel better. I sometimes feel like wow I am ungrateful when I read about others suffering. I wish you peace and love
 
El Topo

El Topo

(---)
Apr 21, 2018
480
My reason for being here is chronic illness, but my life was great before that. Intelligent, popular, attractive, well-paying job, the kind of life most people would envy.

If I could recover my health, I would love to return to the world, despite how fucked up it is.

Although I can't relate to your situation, I respect your your decision. As Sonnenblume said, pain is pain. I used to really believe in empathy and considered myself to be a very empathetic person, but now I realize that we can never know what life is like for others.
 
L

Lisa

Specialist
May 9, 2018
304
My reason for being here is chronic illness, but my life was great before that. Intelligent, popular, attractive, well-paying job, the kind of life most people would envy.

If I could recover my health, I would love to return to the world, despite how fucked up it is.

Although I can't relate to your situation, I respect your your decision. As Sonnenblume said, pain is pain. I used to really believe in empathy and considered myself to be a very empathetic person, but now I realize that we can never know what life is like for others.
It’s true I’ve come to learn this too. Thank You

Sorry things went south for you hope they get better
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: Cyanide and El Topo
C

Caerula

Student
Mar 20, 2018
145
I would say I have a very average life. Single but with enough money, enough friends etc. The problem I have is that I often feel extremely scared for no good reasons. I don't just feel scared but I also feel as if I'm being torn apart or I'm about to explode all the time. And then I hide... from people around me from things I do... I make myself feel as if I have no one and have nothing. Sometimes I feel I have to destroy something to calm myself down. Instead of punching people I try to play Rachmaninoff instead though they're basically the same thing XD The hardest part of maintaining a normal life is trying to stop my tears from shedding at the most random times and explaining to my family why I suddenly sound so aggressive or act so strange. I guess I just don't like the way my life is....
 
Malice1

Malice1

-
Apr 6, 2018
287
Im mentally disfigured and theres no way to reverse it. My physical disability played a part in that but it wasn't the sole reason i ended up this way. Anyway it feels like im in a dystopia and i feel like death is my only escape. I cant blame anybody but myself for letting it get this bad, i just wish i had another chance to make things right.
 
Tiredman

Tiredman

Rest is best
Apr 30, 2018
229
If I could recover my health, I would love to return to the world

Same here but unfortunately this is impossible for me.

I guess I'm mainly here because of my injuries and chronic illnesses but I'm also here because of personal guilt as well. I threw away many promising opportunities to work at a job that eventually cost me deary health wise.
 
deflagrat

deflagrat

¡Si hablas español mándame un mensaje privado!
Apr 9, 2018
360
I would say I have a very average life. Single but with enough money, enough friends etc. The problem I have is that I often feel extremely scared for no good reasons. I don't just feel scared but I also feel as if I'm being torn apart or I'm about to explode all the time. And then I hide... from people around me from things I do... I make myself feel as if I have no one and have nothing. Sometimes I feel I have to destroy something to calm myself down. Instead of punching people I try to play Rachmaninoff instead though they're basically the same thing XD The hardest part of maintaining a normal life is trying to stop my tears from shedding at the most random times and explaining to my family why I suddenly sound so aggressive or act so strange. I guess I just don't like the way my life is....
Back when I had the ability to feel deep emotions, I used to listen Rachmaninoff a lot. I knew we had something in common xD.


I love it.

I am sort of aromantic, that's why I am MGTOW (no sexism though). I am healthy because I haver never tried to ctb (I have wanted to do it a lot of times but I never end up doing it), but not so much in mental terms. I used to consider myself unlucky back when I didn't have a good enough PC and thought my parents would not tolerate my behaviour, but that didn't turn out to be true.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Cyanide and Caerula
I

ion900

Student
May 4, 2018
159
t
My reason for being here is chronic illness, but my life was great before that. Intelligent, popular, attractive, well-paying job, the kind of life most people would envy.

If I could recover my health, I would love to return to the world, despite how fucked up it is.

Although I can't relate to your situation, I respect your your decision. As Sonnenblume said, pain is pain. I used to really believe in empathy and considered myself to be a very empathetic person, but now I realize that we can never know what life is like for others.
There's always the next life.
 
I

ion900

Student
May 4, 2018
159
People who say they can't feel deep emotions, I recommend doing something challenging. Feeling true physical and emotional lows is the first step to feeling highs. Challenges completed is like passing a video game level that was hard except you feel a lot better.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Mari and Cyanide
L

Lisa

Specialist
May 9, 2018
304
I would say I have a very average life. Single but with enough money, enough friends etc. The problem I have is that I often feel extremely scared for no good reasons. I don't just feel scared but I also feel as if I'm being torn apart or I'm about to explode all the time. And then I hide... from people around me from things I do... I make myself feel as if I have no one and have nothing. Sometimes I feel I have to destroy something to calm myself down. Instead of punching people I try to play Rachmaninoff instead though they're basically the same thing XD The hardest part of maintaining a normal life is trying to stop my tears from shedding at the most random times and explaining to my family why I suddenly sound so aggressive or act so strange. I guess I just don't like the way my life is....
Sorry Caerula and thanks for sharing. Hope things get better for you
 
  • Like
Reactions: Cyanide and Caerula
L

Lisa

Specialist
May 9, 2018
304
Im mentally disfigured and theres no way to reverse it. My physical disability played a part in that but it wasn't the sole reason i ended up this way. Anyway it feels like im in a dystopia and i feel like death is my only escape. I cant blame anybody but myself for letting it get this bad, i just wish i had another chance to make things right.
Hopefully you’ll get that chance
 
L

Lisa

Specialist
May 9, 2018
304
Same here but unfortunately this is impossible for me.

I guess I'm mainly here because of my injuries and chronic illnesses but I'm also here because of personal guilt as well. I threw away many promising opportunities to work at a job that eventually cost me deary health wise.
Sorry to hear this Tiredman. I have a lot of guilt too
 
  • Like
Reactions: Cyanide
El Topo

El Topo

(---)
Apr 21, 2018
480
I would say I have a very average life. Single but with enough money, enough friends etc. The problem I have is that I often feel extremely scared for no good reasons. I don't just feel scared but I also feel as if I'm being torn apart or I'm about to explode all the time. And then I hide... from people around me from things I do... I make myself feel as if I have no one and have nothing. Sometimes I feel I have to destroy something to calm myself down. Instead of punching people I try to play Rachmaninoff instead though they're basically the same thing XD The hardest part of maintaining a normal life is trying to stop my tears from shedding at the most random times and explaining to my family why I suddenly sound so aggressive or act so strange. I guess I just don't like the way my life is....

Nice Rachmaninoff joke lol
 
Malice1

Malice1

-
Apr 6, 2018
287
Hopefully you’ll get that chance
Your talking about an afterlife? I really do hope you guys are right about that. I want to believe in one but the odds dont look too good so i cant. I've never wanted to be more wrong about something in my life.
 
Last edited:
L

Lisa

Specialist
May 9, 2018
304
Your talking about an afterlife? I really do hope you guys are right about that. I want to believe in one but the odds dont look too good so i cant. I've never wanted to be more wrong about something in my life.
Hi Malice,

No I meant that I hope you get that chance in this life to turns things around. I hope there’s an afterlife too. But if you have the chance to fix things in this life grab it. None of us can know about the afterlife. We can have our beliefs and hopes but we don’t know what will come after this.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Cyanide
C

Caerula

Student
Mar 20, 2018
145
Back when I had the ability to feel deep emotions, I used to listen Rachmaninoff a lot. I knew we had something in common xD.


I love it.

It is hard to find a piece by him I do not absolutely love XD

I used to consider myself unlucky back when I didn't have a good enough PC and thought my parents would not tolerate my behaviour, but that didn't turn out to be true.
Okay you are making me wanting to get a new PC.

Don't know if it is lucky or unlucky, but I've failed many attempts (using bad methods before I realized I should do more research) with no serious damage to my health.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Cyanide and Lisa
M

MAIO

Elementalist
Apr 8, 2018
838
Hi Guys

I’ve been suicidal for almost 2 years

Will ctb January 2019

I began working on my plan one year ago

I decided on my method, my location, figured out what I want to do with tying up loose ends. So I’ve been working on all of this, though it’s at a slower pace than I used to be. I lay in bed all day seldom leave the house.

I’ve read a lot of your posts and I’m just comparing notes I guess.

I find that there is a good percentage of people on these sites who are single, or chronically ill, or unhappy with their appearance or finances.

I’m just wondering if there are people who want to ctb for reasons other than lack of love, lack of beauty, lack of health, lack of finances? Or are those the main reasons?

For me, those aren’t my reasons. I’m married, healthy, good financial situation and a model (a pretty one). I feel alone in that I don’t have the typical reasons behind my desire to go. My reason is emotional and that i feel it’s my time to go because of things that happened in my life.

Anyone else out there in similar situation?

I am in my early 20s single, can bench double my body weight, am good with the opposite sex, have my own place and turned down a 6 figure job. Do I count?
 
L

Lisa

Specialist
May 9, 2018
304
I am in my early 20s single, can bench double my body weight, am good with the opposite sex, have my own place and turned down a 6 figure job. Do I count?
Yes you do, thanks for sharing. Do you know why you want to ctb?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Cyanide
S

Sternum

Student
May 12, 2018
121
Hi Guys

I’ve been suicidal for almost 2 years

Will ctb January 2019

I began working on my plan one year ago

I decided on my method, my location, figured out what I want to do with tying up loose ends. So I’ve been working on all of this, though it’s at a slower pace than I used to be. I lay in bed all day seldom leave the house.

I’ve read a lot of your posts and I’m just comparing notes I guess.

I find that there is a good percentage of people on these sites who are single, or chronically ill, or unhappy with their appearance or finances.

I’m just wondering if there are people who want to ctb for reasons other than lack of love, lack of beauty, lack of health, lack of finances? Or are those the main reasons?

For me, those aren’t my reasons. I’m married, healthy, good financial situation and a model (a pretty one). I feel alone in that I don’t have the typical reasons behind my desire to go. My reason is emotional and that i feel it’s my time to go because of things that happened in my life.

Anyone else out there in similar situation?

I want to ctb because life is meaningless and I don’t enjoy it. When things are going well, I want to disappear; when things are going badly, I want to disappear; I receive praise, I want to disappear; I receive criticism, I want to disappear; I get a promotion, I want to disappear; I feel the warm sun on my skin, I want to disappear; I want to disappear; I could go on but the pattern remains the same. The one constant in the last 15 years is that I don’t want life. I’m just glad I didn’t reproduce and subject another conscious, sentient being to this existence. That’s my one comfort.
 
L

Lisa

Specialist
May 9, 2018
304
I want to ctb because life is meaningless and I don’t enjoy it. When things are going well, I want to disappear; when things are going badly, I want to disappear; I receive praise, I want to disappear; I receive criticism, I want to disappear; I get a promotion, I want to disappear; I feel the warm sun on my skin, I want to disappear; I want to disappear; I could go on but the pattern remains the same. The one constant in the last 15 years is that I don’t want life. I’m just glad I didn’t reproduce and subject another conscious, sentient being to this existence. That’s my one comfort.
Thanks for sharing. Do you think there’s a root cause or is it that you find life meaningless that makes everything that way for you?

Nothing makes me happy either.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Cyanide
S

Sternum

Student
May 12, 2018
121
I’ve wondered about this. I can’t point to an event, it’s been progressive. Most of the big decisions humans make are emotional, then we try to support those decisions with logic (which is pretty illogical). So, even though I’m inclined to say that I don’t like life because it is meaningless, I think it’s probably more correct to say life is meaningless because I don’t like it.
 
L

Lisa

Specialist
May 9, 2018
304
I’ve wondered about this. I can’t point to an event, it’s been progressive. Most of the big decisions humans make are emotional, then we try to support those decisions with logic (which is pretty illogical). So, even though I’m inclined to say that I don’t like life because it is meaningless, I think it’s probably more correct to say life is meaningless because I don’t like it.
That makes sense

I wonder what made you dislike it

For me it was tragedies, inequities and unfairness for those I love, bad things I did without knowing the harm I caused which I now have guilt for. But mostly the tragedies in my family. My time is up
 
  • Like
Reactions: Cyanide