N

N2Narcosis

Member
Jun 5, 2021
55
A few days ago I was going to write a long post about all of my traumas from the psychiatric system and how I would rather die than go back. I wasn't sure if I was going to post it here or on the Suicide forum and I'm still not sure what would be more appropriate. But that will have to wait for another day because I don't remember most of what happened and I don't have it in me to write about it right now--but some day soon I will have to.

With that out of the way, there's something else I'd like to talk about today. I decided to post this in the Recovery forum because it's not directly about suicide and more suicide-adjacent, and dealing with the aftermath of my failed suicide attempts. I'm currently recovering from a great deal of trauma. Admittedly I'm dealing with trauma from a number of sources, but most troubling to me at the moment is the trauma I incurred from my time at the psychiatric hospital. I think that this is an important part of my recovery.

I remember very little of my time in that prison. I actually don't know a great deal about what happened in there--trauma has a way of doing that. But what I do remember and what I do know disturbs me. Haunts me, even. The things that were said and done to myself and others weigh heavy on my mind. To say that I can't stop thinking about it is an understatement. It troubles me deeply.

On the topic at hand, I'm filing a request for my medical records. I saw a friend some time ago and she had told me about how she had requested her records from that place and how it was very helpful to her. I had been wanting to get a hold of my records for quite some time, but at that moment I felt that need more strongly. I need to know what happened.

A few days ago I put in a request for those records through their patient portal but it was denied because they're currently not accepting requests through the portal. Accordingly, I filled out and printed their form and will mail it to them today or tomorrow and they'll upload the records to the portal. I'll be able to download those records and peruse them at my leisure. I spoke to an employee from the hospital--or the parent company that owns that hospital--and she instructed me on how to request each and every shred of information they have going back many years to the very beginning. If they're feeling cooperative they'll even include psychiatric notes like they said they would--I believe I will find those most enlightening.

I know that this won't undo the trauma and won't fix what they broke. But I hope it will provide some insight into what to do next. I know that what I find in those records will disturb me. I know that certain things that happened won't be documented there. And I know that what they did write might not reflect reality. But I feel that I have to find out what I can from those records.

I was originally going to say that I don't feel I need guidance on this matter but I've changed my mind. If you have any advice on this matter, if you've been in the same scenario, or if you'd like to tell me about your experiences with this type of thing, I would be happy to hear it. I think that hearing from other people who have been in the same position will be a great help to me right now.

I will update this thread as the situation progresses.

Thank you for reading and please offer any guidance or experience you can,
N2Narcosis
 
T

timf

Mage
Mar 26, 2020
559
Looking deeper into what others thought or recorded might give an insight or two, but it can also open a can of worms. If you are inclined to hang on to things, you might risk a bitterness or anger that can grow to poison you.

Bad people often do bad things. Even good people can occasionally do bad things. Most often people who are careless, uninformed, or mistaken can do bad things. Suffering abuse often leads to people seeking environments with fewer "bad" people and where the risk of injury from the clueless is less.

However, life should be more than just reducing harm. There are opportunities to build something rewarding and fulfilling as well.
 
  • Like
Reactions: waterstrider
N

N2Narcosis

Member
Jun 5, 2021
55
Looking deeper into what others thought or recorded might give an insight or two, but it can also open a can of worms. If you are inclined to hang on to things, you might risk a bitterness or anger that can grow to poison you.

Bad people often do bad things. Even good people can occasionally do bad things. Most often people who are careless, uninformed, or mistaken can do bad things. Suffering abuse often leads to people seeking environments with fewer "bad" people and where the risk of injury from the clueless is less.

However, life should be more than just reducing harm. There are opportunities to build something rewarding and fulfilling as well.
I appreciate the insight. While I do believe this will help me I also know it's likely to open up old wounds. I'll admit I am inclined to hang on to things, but I'm working on that and I think I've made a lot of progress in that area. I think that the benefit I will reap from reading these records will outweigh the harm I know it might cause. That said, I will have to exercise great caution to ensure that this is a healing and not a retraumatizing experience for me. That and I'm not completely sure how I will go about this once I do get my hands on the records. At the moment I have the guidance of my trusted therapist and my friend who's gone through the same thing. Though I know that their insight will be limited and I will have to figure out some of this by myself.

I definitely know that the psychiatrists and company did a lot of bad things to myself and the other patients. I didn't even have it that bad compared to some of the other patients—not that I think that excuses their actions toward me, it just makes it that much more terrifying to realize what could have happened to me. I also know that many or most of the people who did those things didn't do them out of malice but out of genuine incompetence or ignorance—not that it by any means excuses them.

I was wondering if you could expand on your point about suffering abuse leading to seeking environments with fewer bad people and your point on life being about more than reducing harm.

Thank you for your insight, by the way. I need all the guidance I can get right now.

I also realize that I may meander and get sidetracked in a lot of my responses, this is difficult for me to navigate.
 
Idontrecognizemyself

Idontrecognizemyself

Thank you for listening
Oct 26, 2021
68
I hope it will provide some insight into what to do next. I know that what I find in those records will disturb me. I know that certain things that happened won't be documented there. And I know that what they did write might not reflect reality. But I feel that I have to find out what I can from those records.

At the moment I have the guidance of my trusted therapist and my friend who's gone through the same thing.
My first question was going to be what type of support system you have in place while going through these things, I can't imagine a situation where this isn't going to be majorly triggering. But I understand your need to do it ❤️. As you seem recovery oriented (at least in their post, I've yet to look thru your other posts), I would try to have someone physically there with you while you're going thru them, or meet with your therapist immediately after for a space to process it. Everyone who has been put thru this shitty psych system deserves closure and peace, not a bunch of gaslighty MD notes reigniting a deep rotting hurt and anger.

My only other advice is that medical records are confusing as hell, because they have to be written in a very specific way. Medical-talk is almost its own language, so if it seems really weirdly detached in the way they speak about you, or if the words are not making any sense, that's just how they require healthcare professionals to communicate with each other. can be super inaccessible to patients when they request records like this, but it's not super often that that happens so patient understanding isn't a factor in the development of these records. I would be happy to try to translate anything if you feel lost anywhere during the process, I have professional experience with both psych settings and medical record writing/ processing
 
N

N2Narcosis

Member
Jun 5, 2021
55
My first question was going to be what type of support system you have in place while going through these things, I can't imagine a situation where this isn't going to be majorly triggering. But I understand your need to do it ❤️. As you seem recovery oriented (at least in their post, I've yet to look thru your other posts), I would try to have someone physically there with you while you're going thru them, or meet with your therapist immediately after for a space to process it. Everyone who has been put thru this shitty psych system deserves closure and peace, not a bunch of gaslighty MD notes reigniting a deep rotting hurt and anger.

My only other advice is that medical records are confusing as hell, because they have to be written in a very specific way. Medical-talk is almost its own language, so if it seems really weirdly detached in the way they speak about you, or if the words are not making any sense, that's just how they require healthcare professionals to communicate with each other. can be super inaccessible to patients when they request records like this, but it's not super often that that happens so patient understanding isn't a factor in the development of these records. I would be happy to try to translate anything if you feel lost anywhere during the process, I have professional experience with both psych settings and medical record writing/ processing
Hello, thank you for your response.

My support system is pretty minimal at the moment, but I'm not sure how I would really improve it—or if I need to. For the moment I've got my therapist who I see monthly. I also have friends but I can't really go into detail with any of them except one—the friend who was in there with me, though I can't tell her everything either because it would be too difficult for both of us.

I don't think having someone physically here is really an option right now because none of the people I would ask to do it live nearby. But I think I will talk about it/process it with my therapist because that seems like the best thing I can do here. She's pretty experienced and trustworthy.

I appreciate your point about medical records being a bit difficult to interpret. Thankfully I have a little bit of training in the medical field so I think I'll be able to understand enough to get most of it and know what I need to look up. That said, having a translator may be a great help to me. Would it be alright if I DMd you with any questions in that regard?—I wouldn't want to post those questions publicly.

Also, I appreciate your statement that I seem recovery-oriented, I like to think I am. Though that's not really reflected in my previous posts. The last time I was on here months ago all I could think of was dying and didn't have a recovery plan. But things feel different now. I have hope that things can improve.

Thank you for your insight,
N2Narcosis.
 
Idontrecognizemyself

Idontrecognizemyself

Thank you for listening
Oct 26, 2021
68
Would it be alright if I DMd you with any questions in that regard?
Of course ❤️
Also, I appreciate your statement that I seem recovery-oriented, I like to think I am. Though that's not really reflected in my previous posts. The last time I was on here months ago all I could think of was dying and didn't have a recovery plan. But things feel different now. I have hope that things can improve
I hope so too. My wish for you is that this brings clarity and validation to your experiences, and insight for your healing. You seem to be very thoughtful about approaching this task and I think you will do well for it. Keep us all updated on your journey : )
 
N

N2Narcosis

Member
Jun 5, 2021
55
Of course ❤️

I hope so too. My wish for you is that this brings clarity and validation to your experiences, and insight for your healing. You seem to be very thoughtful about approaching this task and I think you will do well for it. Keep us all updated on your journey : )
I really appreciate your help with this :).
 
N

N2Narcosis

Member
Jun 5, 2021
55
Yesterday I put the form in an envelope in my mailbox and flipped the flag up. They should get the form soon and send me back the records soon after that. I've decided I might not read those records until I have some time off of school because I know they won't be an easy read.
 
N

noaccount

Mage
Oct 26, 2019
563
In The Desert

In the desert

I saw a creature, naked, bestial,

Who, squatting upon the ground,

Held his heart in his hands,

And ate of it.

I said, "Is it good, friend?"

"It is bitter—bitter," he answered;

"But I like it

"Because it is bitter,

"And because it is my heart."
 
N

N2Narcosis

Member
Jun 5, 2021
55
In The Desert

In the desert

I saw a creature, naked, bestial,

Who, squatting upon the ground,

Held his heart in his hands,

And ate of it.

I said, "Is it good, friend?"

"It is bitter—bitter," he answered;

"But I like it

"Because it is bitter,

"And because it is my heart."
I see that you quote Steven Crane but I don't grasp the significance of it. Would you be willing to elaborate?
I like your signature, by the way.
 
UpandDownPrincess

UpandDownPrincess

Arcanist
Dec 31, 2019
471
In some places (I think it varies by state in the US), doctors do not have to release psych records to you if they feel they may be harmful or disturbing. They are specifically exempted from the laws concerning medical records and require special releases.

The best method I have found is to have them released to another practitioner with whom you have a good relationship and ask them to share your records with you. They may or may not share the other records as well.
 
  • Like
Reactions: N2Narcosis
N

N2Narcosis

Member
Jun 5, 2021
55
In some places (I think it varies by state in the US), doctors do not have to release psych records to you if they feel they may be harmful or disturbing. They are specifically exempted from the laws concerning medical records and require special releases.

The best method I have found is to have them released to another practitioner with whom you have a good relationship and ask them to share your records with you. They may or may not share the other records as well.
Yes I've read that. I'm hoping that they'll cooperate in the first place because I don't want any bullshit.

But failing that I'll try the thing you suggest, I think my therapist would be willing to pull that kind of maneuver for me.

Thank you for your advice :).
 
  • Like
Reactions: UpandDownPrincess
Meretlein

Meretlein

Moderator
Feb 15, 2019
1,111
I am a victim of psychiatric abuse and I don't have the fortitude to look at my records. I have been branded and there is nothing I can do to get rid of them. I feel obligated to say that you may find upsetting things in your records, if you are okay with taking that risk then so be it.

I wish you luck and healing.
 
N

N2Narcosis

Member
Jun 5, 2021
55
I am a victim of psychiatric abuse and I don't have the fortitude to look at my records. I have been branded and there is nothing I can do to get rid of them. I feel obligated to say that you may find upsetting things in your records, if you are okay with taking that risk then so be it.

I wish you luck and healing.
Hello, I appreciate the warning—I'm aware of but not looking forward to what sort of things I might find in those records. Thank you for the good wishes :).
 

Similar threads