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Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
383
I wish that my parents would hate me, and try to hurt me. Then I would feel more justified in hating them. I'd feel justified in running away.
But they say that they love me and care about me; it disgusts me. It's pathetic. I don't want them to care about me. They're vile people.
They almost always sound frustrated with me. My mum said before that I dominate her life and my dad said that I just have everyone run around after me like skivvies.
I have no friends. I'm really isolated. I don't have any fulfilling conversations with them. I can't even stand their voices.
They only really talk to me to ask me about food or drink. They know I'm suicidal and there's no compassion or understanding. I don't want to talk to them.
They get angry with me for being depressed. Say that I don't do anything and that I'm not helping myself. And then they have the nerve to get angry with me for not helping myself. And they angrily tell me that they get angry because they love and care about me.

My dad came in my room without knocking once to ask about my lost earphones, even though I didn't ask for or want his "help", and was angry with me for telling him to leave it. The entitled idiot. And he angrily asked me what I'm doing with my life, and said that I think I'm so fucking independent but I don't fucking do anything, and that nothing is mine, not even my room, and that I have no right not to listen to him.

I told my mum and she just said, "He's just angry because he loves you".

They're such fucking idiots. They hate that their kid's suicidal, and that it's not how they want.
I really hate how they use that they "love me" as an excuse to shout at me because I'm depressed. And they say that they love me in such a frustrated, exaggarrated tone, too. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but I find it really offensive; it's almost like an abuse of real love. Love is about being concerned about someone and genuinely caring for them, but they just throw the term around to excuse their behaviour.
I don't have anyone and I suffer all the time, and not only do they not really care, but they find it offensive that I live this way, and try to make me empathise with them and care about them.
They see me suffering and they angrily say that I need to help myself and stop isolating myself.
I get overwhelmed with planning for the future, especially when I know that there isn't really a future, and instead of being concerned or understanding that I find it difficult, they get me to think about them. For example, booking a holiday - I don't want to think about holidays and they make me out to be selfish from stopping them all from going because they can't leave me at home.
If I say that they offend me, they say that I offend them. And when they say really hurtful stuff, well, it's acceptable because it's just because they "care" about me, and "I was shouting at them first".
I used to have very long arguments with them but not anymore. Last time I argued with them they threatened to have me sectioned for at least half a year. If I say that I can't cope with them and want to move out, it's: "I'm not coping either; maybe it's best that you don't stay with us: let's get you sectioned!"
They never apologise. They always pretend that the argument didn't happen. My mum tries to hug me and stuff and it disgusts me, but if I pull away she gets offended and it inevitably leads into an argument; I'll say that I'm angry with her and she'll go mad and argue with me, saying that she didn't do anything wrong, and sometimes she gets very dramatic and says that she can't cope with my behaviour and I get scared that she's going to have me sectioned.
They just do whatever the hell they want and excuse it, and when I argue with them, they threaten to have me sectioned or just argue with me and make me feel very panicked.
They don't seem upset that I'm suffering so much, they just seem really frustrated and angry.
I can barely function at all and I get ignored or abondoned or insulted by everyone - I just need someone to care and be concerned, but instead all I get is blame and frustration direxted at me.

It disgusts me how they expect me to empathise with them and make them feel good because they have to witness my suffering. How they are so entitled as to blame me for not getting better, because they can't cope with their kid not 'making progress'.
And they make out that they're reasonable for wanting to "see me make progress". It's entirely selfish.
I feel like shit already, and they know that I'm isolated, and they refuse to properly acknowledge my suffering and blame me for not doing anything.
Who blames their own kid for suffering?

I feel like I'm just their human property, and they barely speak to me so I sometimes don't feel associated with them much at all...
But it's like I'm a free person until they decide to get angry/frustrated with me for not getting better, and then I'm nothing but their kid whose job is to please them.
Ignorance is bliss, I suppose. They ignore me a lot - I can't make them feel bad that way, until they remember that their kid doesn't do anything and it frustrates them so much that they suddenly resume the role of parents just to argue with me.
I don't get why they're so entitled. Why they're so obssessed about being right. If they did love me or genuinely care about me, they wouldn't try to be 'right' or try to make me be nice to them, because they'd be too concerned about me to even be take much offense because of me. They wouldn't be so defensive and frustrated, right?
I don't know anymore. They're not abusive or anything; I don't even know if they're offensive people. I mean, they're offensive from my perspective but maybe I blow things out of proportion. Maybe I am too sensitive. Nobody else seems to dislike them, after all. Not even my twin. I'm probably just too idealistic.

I wish they'd just tell me that they hate me. They behave like they hate me, or at least find me unbearable. It only confuses me, and makes me feel like my perception is just as twisted as they make out when they say that they love me.
 
F

Freesan

Student
Jul 3, 2018
101
I want to say that type of communication you get from your parents is not healthy.

Its understandable that it adds extra weight on your shoulders.

The communication between your parents is bad too?
 
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Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
383
Yep, I don't really have conversations with them. The only time I tend to speak to my dad is to amswer him when he asks what I want to eat or drink; we very, very rarely talk more than that. My mum talks to me more but we don't have proper conversations. She gets too frustrated with me and I get too offended by her.
 
F

Freesan

Student
Jul 3, 2018
101
With "The communication between your parents is bad too?" I meant to ask how the communication between your mum and dad is.
Between the two of them.
Do they communicate well with each other?
 
Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
383
Ah, sorry, misunderstood. They get on better with each other than they do with me, and hold similar views regarding me. My dad tends to get angry and frustrated quite often and so does often get frustrated with my mum, but, as far as I know, everything's okay between them.
 
M

mwu14

Member
Apr 21, 2018
53
They get on better with each other than they do with me, and hold similar views regarding me. My dad tends to get angry and frustrated quite often and so does often get frustrated with my mum

Do we have the same parents?
 
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F

Freesan

Student
Jul 3, 2018
101
Ah, sorry, misunderstood. They get on better with each other than they do with me, and hold similar views regarding me. My dad tends to get angry and frustrated quite often and so does often get frustrated with my mum, but, as far as I know, everything's okay between them.
No problem for misunderstanding.
They dont seem to communicate very well with each other either from what I read from your threads though.
He also gets frustrated often with your mum as you say.
They dont communicate properly with you and I doubt that they communicate very well with each other.

It can get super frustrating when you dont seem to have influence with what you say or do, to ge the right response or to fix issues in the communication. It can be very draining.
 
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