- May 14, 2021
Ugh I don't even know how to begin this story of mine. It began when I was diagnosed with bipolar and met a guy on a chat group about that disease and we kinda fell in love and I am in a rush moved in with him leaving my "life" (a misery that I've been) behind. We knew this will never be easy, its fucking hard when 1 person in a relationship have a depression or other mental illnesses but take two and you got yourself a fucking bomb. But we managed, I am a very kind and gentle person trying everyday to peel off his onion layered skin and make him comfortable being himself and he is making me feel loved and fuffiling that need in family and close bond in me. So it went kinda allright we had our ups and downs ofc, but for the past year it's been only downs. His depression developed, his medication is not working, he developed agoraphobia almost a year in our relationship and we've been together for more than a 4 years now, so he nver leaves our house and it makes him more desperate. I blame myself for enabling it, for creating an envioroment where he can live like that, never leaving his doorstep, when I can do it for him, shutting him down, dragging him into that family and long relationship thing being supportive and eventually allowing him to rot inside. Past year been fuckin worst, since my condition worsened, so I can't do shit about the fact that we live in a filthy flat, we have no clean clothes and we eat instant shit because I can't do stuff man. I wantet to go myself so badly but when it was so close I understood for myself that I love this stupid life that I am scared of dying, but he can't see that. He had this idea of dying at 27 like romanticizing death for the long time and then I came and dragged him with me till his 30, he will be 30 soon and he is so bad rn, he is misarable he doesn;t see the "light" he doesn't see the reason to live he is off his meds and he want's me to allow it (offing himself) or fuckig leave him so he could just off himself while I am not present. I am scared, I love him so fucking much, I've already lost people in my life and I son't know what to do, I can't leave so he will off himself I will live with that for my wholelife, I can't take that on me, but he doesn't want me here and I feel like I am not helping and I can't fix him. I want him to get better. I want to call the doctor to help wim but when we first stardet dating he opened up about how his parents used to just lock him in psych ward instead of talking to him and understanding, they did it forcefully and I made a promise that I won;t do that to him and I will not allow this to happen ever again, I've been keeping him from that place even when thing were as bad as now but I was stronger back then and he wanted me there by his side. I don't want to betray his trust but he is very unwell and I am a fuckin chiken because I just can't let him go. he is kinda the only thing I got here. Should I stop being selfish and let him go? Should I betray him and call the doc? I have nobody to talk this shit about.