Aug 4, 2018
As my mind is 95% set on suicide (and even the 5% of doubt isn't left for a subjective change of mind, i have mechanisms and strategies to avoid this, the 5% is related only to an objective and improbable change of circumstances), the only fair i still have is about failing my suicide, and i don't want to take any risk to land at a hospital, see my life become shittier than it already is by being prevented from trying again, either by family or health tyrants surveillance, or by fear of failing again, after a lot of research, i made a comprehensive plan of suicide methods i have to try in the following months, at the top of the list i put the most effective but hard to obtain ones, then those are easier to obtain/do but that are less effective, because the more time pass the more i'm willing to take more risks.

First 3 Months : Nembutal. I can't make international western union transfer from my country (Morocco), but i'm going to France in the end of Aout, i will make my transfer here, i will wait 2 months for it to arrive.

If it doesn't arrive, as i'd still have my visa by that time, i'll go to Ceuta (a spanish city at the border for Morocco), and make another transfer union, wait for it a month to arrive.

If it arrives : Mission accomplished, if not, next :

One month after that : CO poisoning, i don't have any access to outdoors so i'll do that indoors.

If i can't do that, one month after that : Partial suspension hanging.

If i can't do that for whatever reasons, one month after that : Get a visa to Turkey, jump from the Bosphorous bridge (i'm still trying to find alternative accessible bridges or places with sufficient height in my country).

This would be the deadline i'm not willing to change under any condition (except if it falls on the objective change of cirmustances category, not a "change of mind", "fear" or some unfounded and dumb hopium that is unrelated to any objective change of circumstances)

About the strategies and mechanisms i have in case there is second thoughts, i just go to Tinder, or read books about lookism, or go out with an attractive male friend and see the difference in treatment, or think 5min about my hairloss, or look at medical pages about the 1000 incurables diseases that can visit one suddenly etc etc, and my second thoughts diseappear.
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