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TVtrays

TVtrays

Member
Joined
May 6, 2019
Messages
73
I'm 25 now. I'm on SSI and getting just over $600 a month. I'm living with my parents, dropped out of college and I obviously can't hold a job. I've been diagnosed with ASD, ADHD, major depression, general anxiety, OCD, and PTSD. I hate where I live, it's toxic here but nobody is gonna rent a room to somebody with low income like me. I'm in multiple LGBTQ housing groups for the nearest major city to me and nobody is renting any rooms for under $600 a month.

I'm 25, the time keeps passing me by. I lost 3 years of my life to an abuser. I'm good at nothing because I've spent my whole entire life trying to survive. I've been consistently suicidal for years, longer than I've been on this site. I'm severely emetophobic and the thought of catching a stomach virus and vomiting is far more terrifying than death to me. That virus infects 20 million americans every year and I'd literally rather die than catch it and my mom gets it every couple of years, so I always find myself lying awake at night listening to make sure she's not vomiting.

I feel like time is my enemy. I feel endless pressure to make the most of my rapidly fading youth. The world favors the exact opposite kind of person than me. Living is torture and I have no idea how to get better. The only thing keeping me alive is my lack of access to a suicide method that won't cause vomiting. I had SN at the last place I lived for a few months but my roommate threw it out and the vendor i got it from doesn't sell it anymore. I lost my meto, too.

How do I recover from severe mental illness I developed when I was a child? How do I go on living when I'm such a massive failure? How do I keep going when there's no hope of me living anywhere near a life that's worth living?
 
T

timf

Arcanist
Joined
Mar 26, 2020
Messages
468
Sometimes life's difficulties can accumulate to the point of considering suicide. It can be as one feels pushed closer and closer to this that there comes a sort of peace as one becomes disconnected from many of the disheartening thoughts. Often this is mistakenly taken as confirmation that suicide is the solution when it was the disconnection from the offending thoughts that provided the actual relief.

In a way, this process strips away everything but our inner core. It can be revealing to observe that we have somehow accumulated that which inflicts suffering of which we may have been unaware. For example, a person may have latched onto a view of youth as critical and seeing evidence of it slipping away creates an ongoing and deepening fear and lament. Considering suicide can create (even if temporary) a sense of relief from such fear.

There can be a clarity in vision from such encounters that can reveal to us that which we may even have adopted or embraced that is causing us pain. If we can identify that which is harming us, we may be able to make changes. This can be difficult if what is causing the problems are things we have woven deep into our identity.

A person may be driven to the point of considering suicide because they have tried to fulfill their parents desire for them for a career that did not fit their own desire. Similarly a person may be encouraged to follow a path of transsexualism when it was something they found playful, but not a real identity (this may account for why one half of the people who go down this road will attempt suicide).

The closer one gets to the core of identity, the more difficult it is to consider changes. The person driven to the point of suicide may find that after everything is striped away, he has to rebuild his life one element at a time. Like the person leaving prison after many years, or the recovering alcoholic trying to rebuild a damaged life,

It can be overwhelming to consider rebuilding a life when considering the total amount of effort. However, one doesn't have to do everything in one day. Hope begins to emerge from small step successes. Getting and keeping a job can be a huge step in that it provides the financial resources to open other doors.

One can retreate into wishfull thinking that somehow everything would be made better. However, this path usually leads to things getting worse, increasing hopelessness, and despair. If one can make any small step forward, it can boost confidence and make the next step forward easier.
 
TVtrays

TVtrays

Member
Joined
May 6, 2019
Messages
73
timf said:
Sometimes life's difficulties can accumulate to the point of considering suicide. It can be as one feels pushed closer and closer to this that there comes a sort of peace as one becomes disconnected from many of the disheartening thoughts. Often this is mistakenly taken as confirmation that suicide is the solution when it was the disconnection from the offending thoughts that provided the actual relief.

In a way, this process strips away everything but our inner core. It can be revealing to observe that we have somehow accumulated that which inflicts suffering of which we may have been unaware. For example, a person may have latched onto a view of youth as critical and seeing evidence of it slipping away creates an ongoing and deepening fear and lament. Considering suicide can create (even if temporary) a sense of relief from such fear.

There can be a clarity in vision from such encounters that can reveal to us that which we may even have adopted or embraced that is causing us pain. If we can identify that which is harming us, we may be able to make changes. This can be difficult if what is causing the problems are things we have woven deep into our identity.

A person may be driven to the point of considering suicide because they have tried to fulfill their parents desire for them for a career that did not fit their own desire. Similarly a person may be encouraged to follow a path of transsexualism when it was something they found playful, but not a real identity (this may account for why one half of the people who go down this road will attempt suicide).

The closer one gets to the core of identity, the more difficult it is to consider changes. The person driven to the point of suicide may find that after everything is striped away, he has to rebuild his life one element at a time. Like the person leaving prison after many years, or the recovering alcoholic trying to rebuild a damaged life,

It can be overwhelming to consider rebuilding a life when considering the total amount of effort. However, one doesn't have to do everything in one day. Hope begins to emerge from small step successes. Getting and keeping a job can be a huge step in that it provides the financial resources to open other doors.

One can retreate into wishfull thinking that somehow everything would be made better. However, this path usually leads to things getting worse, increasing hopelessness, and despair. If one can make any small step forward, it can boost confidence and make the next step forward easier.
The high suicide rate among trans people is primarily based on how much their families support them, and from gender dysphoria. When a trans person's family supports them, the suicide rate goes down to less than 15%
 

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