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quiet.rabbit

quiet.rabbit

:(
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
90
This is just a journal kind of thing I might do from now on. If this isn't okay to post I'm sorry. I didn't see the rules say anything about this, so l'll try anyway. Mods can just delete this if they want. I'm going to get real and nasty btw. Just warning you.

After deciding to commit to CTB I am beggining to accept just how little I can care about others. I try to appear like I care because part of me wants me to be good, but I don't feel much for them for some reason. I make this clear to people when I don't intend to. Actually I made it clear to everyone today, I didnt even take my dog out. I am still aware that I need people so I guess that I just try to seem like I care. But I also kind of dislike people. You make me feel jealous and anxious when you talk to me or when I learn about your lives. How most of you have friends or a partner. Whenever I see a human being I just don't like it as well, like their body repulses me. The most humanly thing I can look at is anime characters, in fact those are the only things I've ever felt sexually attracted to (feel free to laugh.) I think it's a remain of being pushed away all my life for reasons I used to not understand. Now that I know bad I am I don't think it's fair to others though, so I don't go out of my way to hurt anyone and avoid expressing these things. Actually, I've never even hurt anyone emotionally or physically (on purpose anyway.) I guess I always knew and only just realized this now. The only reason you're reading this is because I will die soon and I'd like people to know this about me. I have nothing anyway.

I am going to dissapear because I am useless to everyone, so they will inevitably throw me out. And I am so useless, I am not even useful to myself. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to have a job because of how dull and dense I am. And how anxious I am, and how unhappy I am. I can't act confident or happy. If I go out there alone, it will be worse than death. Homelessness means there won't be a way out for me. Not even CTB. Stuck between yearning for others and wanting them out of my life for 40 more years. So I am 100% doing this, and for myself only. My existence will only cause suffering, and I am slightly afraid I'll face some retribution if I still exist after death, that is. Despite this, it's got better chances of being beneficial to me, unlike staying alive as a low IQ/EQ btch who doesn't have any empathy or skills.

My brain is drained... Enjoy the mess.
 
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avoid_slow_death

avoid_slow_death

Ready to embrace the peaceful bliss of the void.
Joined
Feb 4, 2020
Messages
634
Yeah, hate myself too. Like yourself, I pretty much avoid people mostly and honestly just feel useless as fuck. That is until someone wants/needs something from me. Then I am the nicest guy ever! After they get what they want though, poof! They just disappear or outright throw me away.
 
quiet.rabbit

quiet.rabbit

:(
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
90
avoid_slow_death said:
Yeah, hate myself too. Like yourself, I pretty much avoid people mostly and honestly just feel useless as fuck. That is until someone wants/needs something from me. Then I am the nicest guy ever! After they get what they want though, poof! They just disappear or outright throw me away.
Edited rude comment out.
Sorry.
 
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  • Hmph!
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J

Journeytoletgo

Wizard
Joined
May 14, 2018
Messages
636
Yes I also hate myself and avoid others this is mainly why I am incredibly lonely. I’m Ugly, broken and depressed. I hate wearing a mask in This world and pretending. I feel like crap everyday. Why do I have to pretend to be okay when I am not and I haven’t been for years. I’m tired of suppressing how I feel.
 
W

WornOutLife

マット
Joined
Mar 22, 2020
Messages
7,341
I can kinda relate.

I hate myself but the only thing keeping me going is that I kinda love myself too in spite of all my flaws. You know, bipolar disorder stuff haha. It all depends on the day!

Anyway, whatever happens, wish you lots of love and peace!

Hugs,

Matt
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

I want to sleep for an eternity
Joined
Sep 24, 2020
Messages
3,982
Yeah, life can be cruel to us and can be extremely painful to live. Other people often frustrate me too. My existence is literally the most pointless thing ever, I have many negative thoughts towards life too. I wish you the best.
 
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