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Lra888

Lra888

Enlightened
Sep 30, 2018
1,142
Do any of you never feel okay? I constantly feel horrible and any normalcy I put out there for people is a complete mask of what’s going on inside.

I wake up feeling completely sick with depression and anxiety after a horrible night of sleep. Consciousness hits me and it’s like I get punched in the stomach - feel so sick and tense. Pushing myself through the day is agony. I know I look like shit and people can see I’m neglecting myself. Cannot function properly. Eating, memory, concentration, sleep - all fucked up and out of my control. Thoughts constantly racing. Thinking about suicide helps me temporarily relax a tiny bit. I cannot keep going like this much longer.

It’s depression but it’s also total agony like claustrophobia. I need to die. I told my therapist that I know i’m finished.
 
Xerxes

Xerxes

Invisible
Nov 8, 2018
936
I never feel okay either. Feels like I'm on the verge of doing it but self-preservation is a hard wall to climb. But I've been down the road before, I have to cross the finish line this time, and never look back. My safety net is suicide, it calms me and gives me and out when things go bad.
 
weedoge

weedoge

Banned
Jul 12, 2018
1,528
Do any of you never feel okay? I constantly feel horrible and any normalcy I put out there for people is a complete mask of what’s going on inside.

I wake up feeling completely sick with depression and anxiety after a horrible night of sleep. Consciousness hits me and it’s like I get punched in the stomach - feel so sick and tense. Pushing myself through the day is agony. I know I look like shit and people can see I’m neglecting myself. Cannot function properly. Eating, memory, concentration, sleep - all fucked up and out of my control. Thoughts constantly racing. Thinking about suicide helps me temporarily relax a tiny bit. I cannot keep going like this much longer.

It’s depression but it’s also total agony like claustrophobia. I need to die. I told my therapist that I know i’m finished.
Don't know, I can get through individual moments but the further and wider my mind tries to consider the more I get an overwhelming feeling of fear and wanting to sob and trying to block it all out again. Feels like I've been through all the feelings of shit and I'm just stuck in limbo ya know, too scared to die too scared to live. Irreconcilable feelings. Self loathing. but still fear. It's horrible and wake up every day wanting to cry with a pressure in my head just hoping to smoke again soon and numb myself as long as I can. Feel sick a lot.
 
Broken Blue

Broken Blue

Member
Oct 14, 2018
13
I can relate though I feel so overwhelmed with what’s wrong with me that it’s hard to put things down.

I feel out of control too, I don’t really know what’s happening any more and honestly I feel afraid. I’m completely empty at this point and each day is unbearable emotional pain and distress, it’s like I’m not here anymore, completely gone but somehow I’m here enough to feel utter humiliation and self loathing for being how and who I am, the weight of it all is excruciating.. fixating on suicide is the only thing that has enabled me to somehow exist in the state I’ve been in (as well as this site), particulary the last few months. I’m in a messed up position as I still feel unable to ctb due to my only family member still being here, honestly though I don’t know what the hell to do at this point.

I’m not sure what else to say but I’m sorry for what you go through :(
 
Dani Paradox

Dani Paradox

Permanently Banned
Aug 17, 2018
981
Same here.... You're not alone. Most of the time I feel like the sad clown. Laughing on the outside...crying on the inside. My dreams are fucked up most of the time... And either way, I always wake up just as you described. It's horrible. But, knowing that the end is near comforts me. As scary as it may feel, and as sad as it may be, it is bittersweet and comforting. My SN supplies are on the way, and I've only received one package so far. But when I got that package and held it in my hands, reality hit me just a little bit harder, and I felt just a little bit more weight lifted off my shoulders. All of this pain is only temporary.....it will be over soon.
 
dysfunctional

dysfunctional

Arcanist
Oct 26, 2018
459
Right there with you. I truly am living in a nighmare worse than I could have ever imagined. The pain never let’s up.
 
O

OkTotti

Wizard
Nov 6, 2018
613
Do any of you never feel okay? I constantly feel horrible and any normalcy I put out there for people is a complete mask of what’s going on inside.

I wake up feeling completely sick with depression and anxiety after a horrible night of sleep. Consciousness hits me and it’s like I get punched in the stomach - feel so sick and tense. Pushing myself through the day is agony. I know I look like shit and people can see I’m neglecting myself. Cannot function properly. Eating, memory, concentration, sleep - all fucked up and out of my control. Thoughts constantly racing. Thinking about suicide helps me temporarily relax a tiny bit. I cannot keep going like this much longer.

It’s depression but it’s also total agony like claustrophobia. I need to die. I told my therapist that I know i’m finished.
This has been everyday for me for the past 2 months....i can't take it anymore
 
Angel2018

Angel2018

-
Sep 20, 2018
30
Same here. I hate it to go to sleep, 'cause I have nightmares and panic attacks almost every night. But waking up the next morning is even harder. Because I know that I'm going to live for another day and I can't wait to finally ctb. Can't get myself to eat. If I would do it, I would feel worse, if that's even possible. And the last time I genuinely smiled? Can't remember... Depressions suck. But life sucks even more -.-

PS: Please don't judge my english :/