- May 30, 2018
I've decided to CTB now. I've been in contact with A but I haven't ordered. I've just loaded the shotgun and will drive out to the woods. I know it's a violent way to go, but personally I sort of like it. My family(whom I mostly despise) can't force an open casket. Being drenched in blood has always appealed to me. Of course it's terrifying. My mind is fighting it, telling me to just crawl back into bed. As usual. But I can't. I've pictured this moment every night for 20 years. It's perfect timing. I've lost almost everything I cared about and refuse to be a slave to the few things left that I desperately cling on to. I've never been happy in my life. I've gone way further than I ever planned to. Traveled, loved my job, have a SO and pets. But my decision has never faltered. I long for nothingness. It comforts me as religion comforts others. I do not believe in the afterlife and it will be sorely disappointing to me if there is one. I am thankful to have discovered this forum, even if it was only for a short period of time. I will never get over my own personal pain, self hatred, anxieties and nostalgia. It's time to let go. Thank you all for being supportive and goodbye. Death awaits.