NoPillPhilosophy

NoPillPhilosophy

Member
Aug 10, 2018
47
If I had been desperate enough, I would've been long gone.

The survival instinct won't leave me alone unless I can trick it that I am in more danger than my method. And alcohol is always a must for me because it removes a lot of the survival instinct. (If I had a cliff when I was drunk on my last attempt I would've jumped)

Could I jump off a cliff right now? No.
Could I jump off a burning cliff if the flames were burning my skin? Like when I touched a hot pan or a hot stove. I can imagine if that was all over my face, eyes, hands, head, body. Could I jump?

It wouldn't even be a question. I'd jump before I knew it.

If I could press a button and just peacefully pass away in my sleep on a random night without ever realizing it. Would I?

Well I believe I would. Maybe instantly, maybe I would think about it for a few hours and do it, maybe I would get drunk and press it, but I'm sure I would.

So my theory is that unless I am in physical danger or perceived physical danger (like going to prison in 2 days) it will be extremely hard to ctb without an easy method.(Nembutal, Fentanyl, Morphine OD, stuff like that)

Eventhough I want to go. My body doesn't want to let me. I am not desperate enough. I don't have it bad enough in the eyes of the survival instinct.

So what will I do?

Either get Nembutal or something similar and get drunk before taking it

Or

Wait until life is so bad that my body is more scared of what's to come than dying.

Sucks that it has to be this way.....A painless suicide is just not possible.
 
Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
384
I know how you feel; survival instinct's the only thing that's keeping me alive. I ran away recently and there were some near-vertical cliffs that I could have jumped off, but I didn't. I'm too scared of life ending. Not the actual dying so much, but of it being the end. Sometimes I believe that I'll be reincarnated back into my life (despite being an atheist), and that makes death seem more comforting.
Maybe you could phone the police and tell them that you're going to kill yourself, to make you feel like you have to do it. But then, that might be even worse.
I'll be looking forward to getting to the tracks because then I'll finally be alone. But the rest of it is still terrifying. Just the thought of not existing anymore. It's less to do with pain and more just the loss. Not even knowing how anyone would react to my death. Feeling like my death wouldn't matter, and I want to feel like my death would matter and change things. I guess part of it is fear and part of it is that I really want closure.
 
NoPillPhilosophy

NoPillPhilosophy

Member
Aug 10, 2018
47
I know how you feel; survival instinct's the only thing that's keeping me alive. I ran away recently and there were some near-vertical cliffs that I could have jumped off, but I didn't. I'm too scared of life ending. Not the actual dying so much, but of it being the end. Sometimes I believe that I'll be reincarnated back into my life (despite being an atheist), and that makes death seem more comforting.
Maybe you could phone the police and tell them that you're going to kill yourself, to make you feel like you have to do it. But then, that might be even worse.
I'll be looking forward to getting to the tracks because then I'll finally be alone. But the rest of it is still terrifying. Just the thought of not existing anymore. It's less to do with pain and more just the loss. Not even knowing how anyone would react to my death. Feeling like my death wouldn't matter, and I want to feel like my death would matter and change things. I guess part of it is fear and part of it is that I really want closure.

I'm more worried about the dying process and failing
 
Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
384
I can relate. That scares me a lot too. I don't know what scares me more. I'm very worried about being caught and sectioned; I'd much rather die than be sectioned. I'm not so worried about how injured I would be if I survived an attempt because I think I'd likely die from it, especially as it's not exactly in a public place, but there's a chance I could be caught whilst traveling there.
Are you more worried about being injured or hospitalised?
 
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NoPillPhilosophy

NoPillPhilosophy

Member
Aug 10, 2018
47
I can relate. That scares me a lot too. I don't know what scares me more. I'm very worried about being caught and sectioned; I'd much rather die than be sectioned. I'm not so worried about how injured I would be if I survived an attempt because I think I'd likely die from it, especially as it's not exactly in a public place, but there's a chance I could be caught whilst traveling there.
Are you more worried about being injured or hospitalised?
I will just have to endure it when it gets bad enough or wait until i can buy some N
 
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BaconCheeseburger

BaconCheeseburger

Comfort-eating
Aug 4, 2018
693
I feel like there's no rush to die... But I'm not exactly rushing to stay alive, either.

Just existing in the hope that some unknown force will come and end me.
 
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NoPillPhilosophy

NoPillPhilosophy

Member
Aug 10, 2018
47
I feel like there's no rush to die... But I'm not exactly rushing to stay alive, either.

Just existing in the hope that some unknown force will come and end me.
Trust me there is a rush to die


I'M SICK OF THIS JOKE
 
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