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TheUncommon

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Joined
May 19, 2021
Messages
5
After internally debating for a little under a year, I asked a coworker if they wanted to finally catch the bus together via gunshot.
That is, I asked after having a discussion on if they had any hope for their future and everything, since I wanted to be completely sure they wanted the same thing as I did before I asked. It took a lot of mental effort to even pop that question. And I didn't make anything better by asking it.
They're also not particularly fond of... existing, but they didn't necessarily agree to my proposal. They even asked if there's anything they could do to help me change my mind. They asked if we could hang out and talk for an afternoon, which is something we've done exactly zero times before this. They seem to be spending time with me to fill in as a friend, to prevent me from doing anything to myself. And it fills me with guilt.

I feel guilty for placing this on their conscience. They said that while they wouldn't tell anyone, they couldn't live with it on their conscience. They chose to take the time out of their day outside of work to hang out to someone they never see outside of work.
My desire to not be alone when I leave the world (and my desire to not exist in the first place) is destroying my relationships in person. It's infecting and poisoning the only bonds I have. Forcing me to become secluded furthermore. In a way, it's feeding into itself. I don't know what to do to stop it. I don't know how to let therapy produce any positive effect on me. I don't know any solution to protect everyone from myself aside from neutralising myself and getting on with it.

I wish someone would shoot me in a driveby and leave me on the side of the road. I can't tell you how much that would make this easier on everyone around me and myself.
Seriously. It's better than getting someone else dragged into my own problem, better than laying on train tracks, better than death by cop, better than having family live with the knowledge that a member had to commit. I can't stress enough how much I'd do everything in my power for this to happen.

I don't know what to do. I really need help, but I don't want help. I want to stop myself from hurting other people, but I don't want to continue living. And the only way to protect them is to continue to exist in a realm where I desire a glock against my temple every minute of every day. That's not living.
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

I want to sleep for an eternity
Joined
Sep 24, 2020
Messages
3,986
I’m sorry you are suffering so much. I understand it is hard to carry on when everything is hopeless. It sounds like a difficult situation to be in, in regards to telling the other person. I think naturally when people hear that somebody else is thinking of ctb, they try to do everything to prevent it. People have a hard time just accepting somebody else's decision. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.
 
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tiredandconfused

Member
Joined
Sep 14, 2021
Messages
5
I feel your pain. After years of difficulties I now have some professional support. It’s only for another 12 weeks then I max out on the nhs care I have. I have massive guilt because as much as I don’t want to let them down I still keep thinking of ways to Ctb. It makes me feel like I’m going mad. Holding it all in and always trying to act like a survivor. I’m not. I’m not strong. I’m tired and want a peaceful ending. The thought of years of this life is too much.

sorry I turned my response into a rant about me. I just don’t want you to think that your feelings aren’t valid or that they’re weird. It’s so understandable considering. Be as kind as you can to yourself.
 
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TheUncommon

Member
Joined
May 19, 2021
Messages
5
Somehow the stars aligned and the only other friend I asked to off myself with, also says that he already owns Nembutal.
But he obtained it a year ago, and he doesn't plan to let me use it for obvious reasons, similar to the ones above. Would that even be ethical on my end to ask for it? Would it still be viable to use after a year?

I mean...
Is that selfish of me?
If it isn't going to be used...
 
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