• Welcome! SanctionedSuicide is a forum for the discussion of mental illness and suicide. Please read our rules and our Principles.
    If you are in need of immediate support, please call the Samaritans hotline at (877) 870-4673, or check our recovery resources.

Niko

Niko

Student
Oct 4, 2018
112
this is the biggest frustration in my life: not a single fucking thing i put effort into gets me anywhere!

i've pushed myself hard, incredibly hard, over and over and over again.
i was a chubby kid so i pushed myself to work the fuck out and go on a strict diet.
i dropped out of high school so i pushed myself to get a great sat score and go to fucking college.
i developed a drinking problem so i pushed myself through rehab and AA and haven't a had a drop in 2 years.
i wanted to play music so i taught myself guitar and got good enough to play in a band for a while.
i wanted to learn how to computer program so i sat in front of a computer for hhhhouuuuuuurrrrsssssssss to teach myself everything i know now.
i wanted to learn martial arts so i pushed myself to go to a jiu-jitsu gym,
and so on and so on....

and yet now i'm fucking here, still fucking here! where i always am and seemingly always will fucking be! alone, living with my parents, no great source of income, no sign of that hilarious 'rockstar' dream i fondled my mind with, nobody special to share things with, no real friends at all really, and no sign out of here. no way out.

FUCK.
do any of y'all feel me on this?!?!

Because i've noticed lately that i've been a very lazy slothful fucker, and i was trying to pinpoint why. but it's pretty self-evident i'm so fucking frustrated over all the effort & failure, work & no-reward. hope & heartbreak i've experienced.
put aside the idea of ctb for the moment because to be honest it feels like something inside me has died already. i'm just not filled with drive and excitement and passion and interest as i once was. everything feels heavy now, far too heavy and far too pointless.
Fuck.


ok, rant over
 
Niko

Niko

Student
Oct 4, 2018
112
ah not much really, other than a sense of shame for humanity.

but i think it's kinda pointless to compare myself to others because frankly there are people living on streets covered in shit and trash in Yemen or Bangladesh who would probably chop their leg off to have what i've been given.

i just get so frustrated when the effort i put into things isn't getting me anywhere. i'm not mad at somebody else for that, just the situation itself.
 
BaconCheeseburger

BaconCheeseburger

Comfort-eating
Aug 4, 2018
689
This is how I feel too. I've put in so much effort with school, university, now work, and I'm pushing and pushing myself. And for what?

Pushing for the rest of my life feels so unappealing. I can't be bothered. I sit in work now and make as little effort as possible, and I feel better for it. I'd do anything to give up.
 
AndyCurious

AndyCurious

-
Sep 13, 2018
708
This is how I feel too. I've put in so much effort with school, university, now work, and I'm pushing and pushing myself. And for what?

Pushing for the rest of my life feels so unappealing. I can't be bothered. I sit in work now and make as little effort as possible, and I feel better for it. I'd do anything to give up.
Such days are difficult, when you feel you have to push yourself, so you make enough to pay bills and so.. Tough life for many of us..
 
  • Like
Reactions: lv-gras
AndyCurious

AndyCurious

-
Sep 13, 2018
708
I still live at home with my parents. I don't earn enough to move out and I don't have the energy to want to move up in the world to be able to do that :(
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.. It isn't easy then for sure... Hugs
 
  • Like
Reactions: lv-gras