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B

Bxbrowler

Member
Joined
May 19, 2021
Messages
18
Squiddy said:
0 being you're not having any at all to 10 being you're going to ctb very soon because you can't take it anymore. Mine are a 6.5 today
Im about a 8 I really want out it's the matter of method that's my issue....I've been leaning more in to co poisoning
 
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again_noidea

again_noidea

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2021
Messages
91
Squiddy said:
0 being you're not having any at all to 10 being you're going to ctb very soon because you can't take it anymore. Mine are a 6.5 today
A solid 8
 
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Maravillosa

Maravillosa

Mistress of all she surveys
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
632
I have been at a 4 lately. I don't intend to ctb soon: five to fifteen years from now (or rather, from my 55th birthday next month, since I would like to ctb on a landmark birthday of mine: 60, 65, 70) is more like it. But oh! How I wistfully look forward to the occasion! A consummation devoutly to be wished, indeed!
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

I want to sleep for an eternity
Joined
Sep 24, 2020
Messages
3,982
I think I am at a 7. Thoughts of ctb never seem to leave. Everything tires me out and it is just another day of pointless existence. Looking forward to eternal sleep.
 
B

bunnies

Member
Joined
Mar 13, 2020
Messages
19
i’m probably an 8-9 today. i think 10 will be the day it happens lol. but today i’m working over a mental to-do list. i still have a little time. the only thing that has brought me peace today is thinking about the possibility of nothing afterwards. finito
 
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Risperdead

Risperdead

Targeted Individual Towel
Joined
Jul 20, 2021
Messages
27
good day just a 9 ! I am very sick of lucky loving couples and this monetary system we have where many have in fact a never ending budget and i am always poor happy to have some shitty food but just can dream of a new bike or pc or other adventurous activities. further i am in severe emotional and physical pain. nothings fair. consider the great culling with codex alimentarius and this covid 19 hoax. the people in power hate us so much. thousands and more died and will die alone in elderly homes, nursing homes despite the daily vaccination victims and this global genocide continues. I do not belong to this world, sick of my species.
 
Squiddy

Squiddy

Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
5,892
8.5.

In quite a bit of emotional pain right now and overwhelmed. I'm so sick of being a doormat to all the people around me, invalidated by my parents and being taken advantage of. From my hairdresser to my therapists to my family to even some of my friends. I'm sick of being asked for money by one of my friends. It's like fuck off already, I have nothing to give you because I'm drowning in debt myself from hospital bill's. And then there's my shitty mental health. I feel like my therapist doesn't take my ADD seriously either even though symptoms are bad and I can't even get a stimulant for it because my eating is fucked from my eating issues and vomiting. I just want peace already. I'd rather break both my hands than go through the pain I'm in right now.

The only reasons I'm still here is my SI and fear of what comes next. If I can pass those, I'd be able to leave. I don't even care how my irl friends or family would feel anymore. I only have a few check up on me anyways and even then, I don't really hear from them for weeks later. I'm just a fucking loser who needs to go. Currently laughing right now at how much of a joke my life really is.
 
OpheliasFlowers

OpheliasFlowers

Experienced
Joined
Apr 2, 2019
Messages
202
A solid, aching, open-wound 10 today.

A few months ago someone I'd known and dated and had a very f-ed up relationship (of sorts) came back into my life. I felt so grateful for that. I'd hoped for literal decades (yes, that long) that one day they'd come back into my life in some capacity and -- they did. It felt like a miracle. Short story is, they both lied about and deliberately omitted certain very pertinent facts about their current life and situation, and as the months went on I felt more and more like they weren't really interested in "me", per se, but rather the idea of me and who I was all those years ago and that they enjoyed playing that game. I felt like I was only escapism and entertainment to them. I tried last night on the phone to discuss this with them but it didn't really go anywhere and then they had to go back to work and had to hang up. So today I sent them a kind, but firm, text saying that I thought it best we had no further communication and said basically what I've written here about how I was feeling regarding our....whatever it was, as I don't know I could even categorize it as a true relationship or friendship since he was so guarded and evasive most of the time, and didn't seem to care to ask about me, or my life. Anyway, I've felt physically sick and on the verge of tears since I sent the text, and part of me had hoped he text me or call me and at least ask if we could talk about it. SOMEthing. But he hasn't and I know he won't. I'd felt him getting more distant over recent weeks anyway, and that brings up my lifelong issues of how I bore people or drive them away due to my poor physical health/mental health, and just don't have much to talk about compared to others my age (and especially him, who has had a full, rich life with kids, a military career, travel. It's no wonder he discovered after talking with me these past months I'm not anybody really worth talking to or a person who can hold others' interest for very long...). So while I feel my text to him was justified and I'm glad I stood up for myself and spoke up, I'd also hoped, deep down, that he'd still send a text stating he wanted to talk about it, that I *did* matter to him. The silence though has confirmed what I'd suspected, which is that he was drifting away anyway. At least I made it easier on him, I guess. It's just another disappointment and confirmation that I'm a worthless, damaged old woman who nobody is really going to care about, and that hurts. A lot. Especially coming from him. I wish I wasn't so gutless, I'd use that rope tonight and be done with all this torment and physical pain and being reminded over and over again by various people that I'm not worth their time. I just wish they didn't think AT FIRST that I was worth their time, and then realize it later....that only makes it hurt more because then I know I'm the reason, not them. Of course, in this case, he also was lying to me and not being upfront about things when he should have, which = disrespect and not seeing me as a worthy person to begin with so I guess I should be glad to be rid of the likes of him. But it still hurts. And badly.
 
sterp

sterp

Member
Joined
Aug 24, 2021
Messages
12
8. i want to ctb and am waiting on SN to get delivered, should maybe write some letters to friends and loved ones while i wait for it
 
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m9q2As2$IG

m9q2As2$IG

Member
Joined
Aug 25, 2021
Messages
25
I'd say a solid 6, right now just gathering information. Will also probably be under many medications, so we will see.

Edit: feeling more like a 9 now, with prospect.
 
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Squiddy

Squiddy

Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
5,892
8. Slightly better than yesterday, but still high. I really hope I pass in my sleep tonight. I'm gonna try to give life one more shot by finding yet another therapist, but if that fails, that might be my breaking point