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noname223

Enlightened
Aug 18, 2020
1,284
4. Still on the edge of mania. Called my psychiatrist today. Told her college makes me pretty manic I cannot stop myself. Like my psychologist she is not stopping me. Last week I took a benzo in order not to go fully insane. She told me today that would be (temporarily) a good idea and I could even take more.

It reminds me of 2018 when I was extremely manic and even psychotic and the psychologist in the clinic told me take more benzos and go write the exams. I had no benefit of that. I was 3 years severly depressed with severe psychosomatic pain after that. These therapists are all so irresponsible.
I cannot stop myself...(I predictet that). Last week I said next week I gonna stop this shit.
Especially my psychologist wants me to go on.
I do not feel good. Tomorrow is the worst day of the week. Taking a benzo and zopiclon tonight. I hope so much to have the guts and stand up tzo my therapists/parents. I hate this all so much. It feels so good. I would love studying that course. Poverty awaits me. But if I do not stop soon I gonna ctb when the pain returns.

I just have the feeling I need to justify stopping college.
 
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Bot

Bot

bpd is ruining my life
Aug 8, 2021
71
5 i want to live a happy life with a gf but I want to ctb at the same time, the world gets worse just as me.. what was the point if I can't live a life that would make me happy, i feel like I have no control over my life, bad things happen and i feel silly for still keep on trying....
 
R

RazzleDazzle

The void stares back.
Sep 16, 2021
142
5 or 6. Life doesn't seem worth living and I hate myself more than I can possibly express, but I don't have a pressing need to end it right now. And I'm aware that there are several people in my life who would blame themselves and feel terrible if I did and it would fuck them up for a bit.

Gonna go hang out in an emergency room and lick some doorknobs, maybe see if I can get some people to cough on me.
 
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noname223

Enlightened
Aug 18, 2020
1,284
4. Yesterday I was really depressed. Maybe that was a preview what happens when I quit college due to mania. I am really scared that a severe depressive episodes awaits me when after this slight hypomanic episode. Today I wanted to buy the film Joker. I see myself partly in him even though I never watched it I only read summaries during a very severe depressive episode.
My therapist urges me to go on with college even though I think it is irresponsible he also said no more emergency medication like lorazepam. I will do it maybe one more week but not without lorazepam. That would be blatantly suicide. Sadly only metaphorically.
 
Ch92921

Ch92921

The call of the void
Dec 29, 2018
895
4. Yesterday I was really depressed. Maybe that was a preview what happens when I quit college due to mania. I am really scared that a severe depressive episodes awaits me when after this slight hypomanic episode. Today I wanted to buy the film Joker. I see myself partly in him even though I never watched it I only read summaries during a very severe depressive episode.
My therapist urges me to go on with college even though I think it is irresponsible he also said no more emergency medication like lorazepam. I will do it maybe one more week but not without lorazepam. That would be blatantly suicide. Sadly only metaphorically.
If you take lorazepam longer than 2 weeks, you will experience benzo withdrawal!
 
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noname223

Enlightened
Aug 18, 2020
1,284
If you take lorazepam longer than 2 weeks, you will experience benzo withdrawal!
I do not take it everyday. Just 1-2 low dosage pill a week. In clinic they gave it to me once for nearly a month or so. After I stopped taking it I cried a lot. To that time I did not even know what a benzo was.
 
B

Beeper

Experienced
Sep 28, 2021
229
~5

I have flickers of hope associated with a possible career change. Not sure if it is likely to come together, but figured I will give it a shot.
 
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yellowhue

yellowhue

Dancing along the razor's edge...
Nov 1, 2021
5
5, deep down I don't want to do it I think, but I'm also VERY desensitized to it as a 'necessary evil' to end suffering after a lifelong history of my own attempts.
 

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