Today about a 4, yesterday a 9 the day before a it changed 4 times throughout the day but ended at 1. I’m diagnosed BPD so some days can literally be like a pinball machine in my head. It’s exhausting.
5. Feeling a bit sad that my car has to go in for repairs next week so I'll be trapped at my house for idk how long as my mom doesn't want to get me a replacement car in the mean time even though insurance would pay because she's afraid I'll crash it
4.5 My meds are kind of kicking in a little more now and I'm finally being taken seriously by my mental health team on why I want to ctb. It took a few times replacing people on my team, but now I think I've found the right team. I really hope this potential hope isn't for nothing and I don't want to get my hopes up too much more because I've been let down many times and this I feel is my last chance
Now up to a 6.5. My SI is a tad bit lower right now. I'm starting to think what's the point in trying. Financially, I'm fucked, my mom is controlling and I'm the puppet while she's the puppeteer, I've been dissociating a bit all day where my emotions feel detached almost completely and I'm just feeling a bit hopeless at the moment :( if it weren't for a few of my friends I've made on here and a slight bit of hope, I'd be planning my exit
9. I don't think much about it. I perceive it as something I have to do sooner or later
I act more dramatic when it's like 6/10 and I am very in-between wanting to survive and wanting to end everything. 9 gives me some peace.