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Oct 20, 2019
i always feel like i am on the edge of wanting to recover. a lot of what gets me thinking about ctb is physical pain and health stuff and then a lot of it is relationship stuff with my spouse and feeling stuck. the physical health stuff is weird i keep going to doctors for tests as i get sicker. now they think maybe it is a spinal fluid leak or cfs leak which i knew nothing about but they are most known for causing headaches but can cause all sorts of weird stuff and are hard to diagnose but sometimes very treatable. so i have to go get a scary test i dont feel at all good about to see if they think it is this to then treat. i just am so afraid of the test i keep think ctb but the test may help and treatment may help

and then relationship stuff. spouse is very high functioning bipolar and i love him so much. been together 22 years. he keeps kinda being so intense and he gets grandiosity and then he gets impulsivity and he keeps wanting to make me and the kids and our little family move far away where we have no support and no help and no stabiulity and he uses anything scary as a reason why and then if i say no that is a terrible idea he makes me out to be a terrible mother. i am always sick and in pain and dealing with my own mental health and he always just critizises me when he is anxious in ways i feel like such a burden and like i just am horrible but my kids need me. i need to recover cuz of them.

so i will go do this scary test monday and since cfs leak doesnt always show on this scary test i will keep having tests until that is found and treated or some other doctor helps me. i hate going to doctors. i always think of ctb to avoid seeing doctors. that seems so ridiculous. i just really dont like doctors. i dont like being looked at and touched and i dont like how they can be condesending and just i dont like it. but ii want my kids to be ok.
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Mar 22, 2020
I hate doctors too!
Whatever happens, I hope you can give life one more shot! It's better to try out of the options before really trying to leave this world.

Hugs and love,

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Mar 26, 2020
You might be able to take a little of the edge off the sharpness of your husband's confrontations if you remind him that sometimes what seems to him as a good idea will later be seen as ill-advised. If he were to write down his idea and then reconsider it after the manic period has passed, he might recognize that. You don't want to trigger his insults when he is in the up phase. One way to deal with that is to use delaying tactics and also call to mind that most ideas are better considered over time.

You might not be able to do much about the uncertainty of medical practitioners. however, if you can reduce some of the other sources of stress, it might make things more manageable.

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