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sanguineblade

Member
Jul 3, 2021
88
I'm so sad
Why I have no one understanding that i don't want to suffer anymore?
why i have to go alone
my family my friends... i dont want to hurt anyone but my body's a prison
a torturing prison that I suffer in it because of my health

I have
1) whole right side 24/7 burning - aching constantly 4 years now due to rare condition
2) i dont feel my penis at all due to accident - the nerve is cut, difficulty to even pee
3) snow vision... whatever i see has snow in it, meaning particles of objects everywhere, i cannot see clear 24/7
this is makes me very hard to see and enjoy anything i watch, and makes me dizzy and nauseous
4) tinnitus, high pitch 4khz, both ears but mostly left
5) left ear is constantly full feeling/clogged due to acoustic trauma
6) hyperacusis - some sounds (dog bark, dishes, forks, or anything) hurt my ears
7) random spams in my ear drums cause they are damaged after the trauma i had
8) destroyed back with pains because of accutane treatment for acne (side effect)
9) severe pain in nails, and nails going glued off (this started as side effect of accutane again)
10) thyroid issues (this is nothing compared to the above but throw it in so we make it 10)

Up until a point my health was fine, but after health problems started its hell
Now ive been living 4 years with 1,2,3 and 7 years with 4,5,6,7,8,9 ...
I tried living.. many years just not to hurt anyone
Saying im in agony, and im suffering it think doesnt even cover it, words are too little to express the torture.
I cant even sleep
I cant to the left cause of my destroyed ear, i cant to the right cause my destroyed right side, i cant straight cause my hurting back
I cant find a position to sleep and rest
I go to sleep tired and i wake up exhausted
I really dont know what to say anymore
I wish there was someone to hug me and tell they understand, and they prefer I go so I stop suffer but I ask too much and i cant force anything on my family or my friends
All these years, I poured out every little power out of my soul to keep living, to keep suffering, just not to hurt anyone
I tried my best

Worst thing is i cannot prove in paper 1 and 2, because they are very rare conditions and cannot be identified as something so in my letters everyone will think I was crazy (although i had one doc finally believe me and said it's possible) but im saying the truth for everything
i hope u guys believe and understand me
 
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Smart No More

Arcanist
May 5, 2021
498
Can't speak for anyone else but I understand. As someone struggling with being taken seriously about my health issues from certain doctors I can really relate to your plight and frustration. If it doesn't show up on generic tests then they assume you have mental health issues and when you display the frustration it causes it just reinforces their misconceptions. Its so convenient for them push antidepressants when they're too scared to admit they don't know. So I believe you and understand! I hope peace and relief find their way into your life in whatever form needed.
 
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sadnurse

Member
Nov 2, 2021
41
I understand … my body is also torturing me … I had surgery last April and had a very bad reaction to either the anesthesia or the scopolamine patch they gave me and I havnt been the same since …. It made me go insane, panic attacks and now I suffer from this weird constant body anxiety … I feel frozen sometimes like I cannot move it’s that bad… doctors just pushing antidepressants on me that don’t work.. I have trouble getting a goods nights rest too, I’m living on Ativan which is affecting my cognition function … I was a happy healthy working nurse before 1 surgery changed my life … I’m so sorry that you are suffering too, it’s horrible feeling trapped in a body that’s not functioning correctly, I will probably leave this earth soon because I can’t live this way 😥
 
nerve

nerve

24 hour sleep cycle
Jun 19, 2019
896
I believe you, both about the suffering you describe and about how hard it's been for you to keep going like this.

Doctors can be so narrow-minded. I feel like a lot of them assume "well this isn't in any book or medical journal so this person must just be lying / mentally ill / overreacting / trying to get a prescription." The idea that maybe we don't have everything about the human body figured out yet doesn't seem to enter their minds at all. I hope one day we can look back on this era of medicine the same way we look back on shit like humorism or lobotomies or phrenology and are like "Wow that was ridiculous. We were so dumb and clueless back then."

I really wish I could be there to give you a hug and listen to your story. You're in an unfair situation and I hate that this has happened to you.
 
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sanguineblade

Member
Jul 3, 2021
88
I believe you, both about the suffering you describe and about how hard it's been for you to keep going like this.

Doctors can be so narrow-minded. I feel like a lot of them assume "well this isn't in any book or medical journal so this person must just be lying / mentally ill / overreacting / trying to get a prescription." The idea that maybe we don't have everything about the human body figured out yet doesn't seem to enter their minds at all. I hope one day we can look back on this era of medicine the same way we look back on shit like humorism or lobotomies or phrenology and are like "Wow that was ridiculous. We were so dumb and clueless back then."

I really wish I could be there to give you a hug and listen to your story. You're in an unfair situation and I hate that this has happened to you.
thank you so much , exactly this
 
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Smart No More

Arcanist
May 5, 2021
498
@sadnurse I imagine ite so frustrating havi g been a nurse and now being on the other side of it all. You would imagine and expect doctors to take you more seriously having been in the same field. I too had a great life before getting ill. The thing you mention about the reaction to scopolamine reminds me of some of the reviews I've been reading about people's reactions to metoclopramide. I also get prescribed lorazepam. It's really not great for cognition and it's not that great for sleep. I mean it makes me sleep but it's not real sleep and when I don't take it I have rebound insomnia with nightmares. It's horrid. Have you tried anything different for sleep? I have some luck with valerian extract to some extent. It's not perfect but it's better than without. Some people get on well with promethazine too but it doesn't agree with me. Not sure why I'm telling you about med, ha. You will no doubt know way more about it than me.
 
M

_Minsk

death: the cure for life
Dec 9, 2019
650
i feel you, i also deal with Tinnitus since so long now, i totally understand why you feel this way, its horrific, i also feel suicidal because of so many health issues that seem to never go away.. sending much love:heart::heart::heart:
 
eternalmelancholy

eternalmelancholy

waiting for the bus
Mar 24, 2021
901
I am so sorry you are going through this. Living in agony or dying by your own hands are both terrible choices but those are the only two options we get. There is no end to life's cruelty.
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

I want to sleep for an eternity
Sep 24, 2020
6,055
It is horrible being alive, as our lives can be ruined by health problems. There is also no limit as to how bad things can get and our bodies can torture us. Nobody should have to suffer like that. It is perfectly understandable wanting to exit when there is no escape from the suffering. I wish you the best, I hope you find peace and freedom from pain.
 
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Journeytoletgo

Elementalist
May 14, 2018
846
Accutane is a very harmful drug as well as antidepressants. I think these drugs should be banned but that’s my opinion. Life is horrific for all the possibilities and damages that can be done to ones brain health and body. We are just a body and these drugs damage us. It’s all inhumane and down right cruel the drugs they prescribe for the “fast fix”.
 
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Smart No More

Arcanist
May 5, 2021
498
I agree. They hand them out way too easily but frown upon recreation drug use for the sake of self medicating when they're essentially doing the same thing with arguably more harmful drugs in many cases. It's very feustrating to have this kind of conversation with a doctor. Really mind blowing that they are so blind ro the logic of treating the problem not the symptoms. It is quite apparent that their motivations aren't always in the patients best interests.
 
Lovequenel

Lovequenel

Warlock
Sep 21, 2020
783
I am sorry you have to experience this kind of ongoing torture. I hope you are able to find peace soon, whatever form that will take.
 
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