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noname223

Visionary
Aug 18, 2020
2,750
I think I am currently between the zone of wanting to do something and feeling the need to do something. I could imagine writing less threads than usually in the next few days. But I am not sure.
I don't have know I have the expectation of me to contribute something. I know that is wrong. But maybe I will spend some more time in the rate your suicidal thoughts thread. I am very ambivalent. It is not that I am running out of ideas. I have less currently but this is not the main problem.

I think the main issue is my sleep. The quality is pretty poor. I wake up very early in the morning which is a warning sign for mania. Normally writing here rather helps to decrease manic symptoms for me. But currently it is weird. Some days ago I felt quite manic and it scared me. I had the feeling I need to change something. I am playing a very exciting game currently. I think it contributes to my mania. Which is weird video games usually don't do that with me.

So I have started to play less of this particular video game and instead started to read. I read DFW. I love his texts, I bought some books of him and I am kind of a collector. Usually I don't collect anything but with DFW it is different. I see many paralleles between his issues and mine. His stories can help me to turn introspective and be self-aware. And it kind of worked. I felt less manic. It is less stimulation which helps me a lot.

Though the weird thing is: despite the fact I felt less manic my sleeping disorder got worse. Yesterday iI felt very exhaustive due to fact my sleep quality is so poor. I thought maybe I can get more sleep when I am going to bed early. The complete opposite was the case. The night was horrible. Not sure whether the fact I went earlier to sleep contributed to it. I had extreme nightmares. One about my bullies at school. It was very agonizing. I might really be a little bit traumatized. I woke up 4:30 a.m. I felt horrible. I was sleepy but I could not sleep after this one. I stayed 2 hours more in bed however I could not get any sleep.

So I relaxed the whole day. It felt like wasting my time. I did some enjoyable things but I tried to reduce exciting stimulation as good as possible. I feel very fragile.

This night I take an addictive sleeping pill. I tried to reduce them good as possible. And I did but two nights in a row could have devastating effects on my mental well-being. Let's hope they will work. The funny thing is: the most beneficial effect of the sleeping pill is the hangover. If I take them late I sleep longer. So it is most helpful when I take them late at night then I sleep longer. It is kind of weird.

To add one thing. I struggle with OCD a lot. And I also developed OCD in this forum. Like checking my threads for a certain amount of times. But I am also in real life very compulsive. I hate OCD. But the OCD concerning performance pressure is way way worse than the one concerning this forum.
 
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Install-Gentoo

Install-Gentoo

Member
Aug 23, 2022
72
Reading your posts is interesting, and they are often good hubs of discussion. You definitely make interesting points for people to talk about.
So don't feel bad about posting a lot
But if you feel like your post volume is bad, then you are not compelled to post anything. It's a free site.