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My wifi went down in the entire neighborhood at 3am today at the good part of Aladdin:,) It's finally back up but i'm sad the corner store that sells tacos was closed today and I missed lots of people's responses. Happy to have it back up and I hope nobody thought I was ignoring them when I was able to get on the site but not see anything:( Tomorrow I'm getting my tacos even if it's for my breakfast:D
I feel like burden to everyone, because I think I don't see myself as worthy enough to be helped or to do anything with my me, since every interaction has reason, I feel like people around me are wasting their time on me, even my mother regretted having me because I was too much for her, what keeps me alive is probably deep rooted fear of afterlife thanks to the unnecessary religion that I'm so sick of already, unfortunately seems like that I'm weak, I've been contemplating suicide for over 5 years and only times I had actually guts to commit was when I was very drunk, this hypothermia didn't work out, as there are so many people around when i live in city, and I also probably need to make sure I try best to reduce consequences that comes when I die, mostly psychological and maybe perhaps financially to those who will be left behind, but..
What I'm angry about is that I have no access to peaceful way to end my life, that nembutal for example, why am I not allowed to buy it? Something that is so cheap,
part of society acting like to be protecting and caring about people is all bullshit, let's criminalize suicide, let's invest in prevention, but what way? Spreading messages because who actually gives a fuck helping people, I'm so sick of this life and mad, I am probably negative person affecting people in not good way, because way I am, this is why I want to not be anything anymore, no one is supposed to fix anything, by creating more life it adds up, It doesn't solve much, over 7 billion people within thousands of years of evolution, and people keep brainwashing with religion and society laws and norms, I'm fucking done and unable to be same time, this is just me letting things out I think, I'm powerless, I'm sorry
I'm a semi-pro-lifer. I don't dismiss any pro-lifer arguments but I tend to listen to my gut on this. And my gut is telling me, naive and small-minded as I may sound - that life is precious. But based on experience, I have a multitude of my own arguments on why life shouldn't have a primate over suffering. Pain, physical or otherwise, is more imperative that any idealistic value we assign to life . Pain is not an idea. It's the only real phenomenon that turn all phylosophical ramblings into thin air. Wallace Stevens said something along the lines - that the only thing filling a room except furniture are peoples' thoughts. In the face of pain, ideas become the furniture, and the space is filled with primal instincts. And they inidvertibly always tells us the truth, whether we like it or not.
People should pay more respect to the ugly harshness of life itself, instead on a wishful idea of an utopia for everyone.
Still, for the life that is here, now, existing, I wish this utopia does exist. My gut is very moral. Helping others is like an instinct to me. A primal instinct. Also, on a more rational level - in the face of pain, while she tries to impose its rule, I can only rebel by taking away as much of its power over how I influence other people. My pain stays with me. It will destroy me. But my love for humanity is what I always felt deep inside me. I get fed up with people, I get irritated by and mad at people, but I love people. Truly. I believe in morality. And I will stay true to myself.
I am using all of my willpower to keep myself from creating a totally pointless and annoying thread in Offtopic, just to invite you all to observe the massive avalanche of my unrequited feelings roll down the mountain of No Hope with a thundering roar, destroying villages in it's wake...
In other words, I have a massive crush and a burning need to talk to someone about it, but no one to talk to.
This is unbearable. I think about going to my GP, but why? Even if I tell them I'm suffering, they can't help me. I have to calm down somehow, I can't stop crying and would probably burst into tears in front of them again. I can't even stop crying while eating and drinking. This is ridiculous.
A lot of people in the clinic are a bit older and are there because their depression came back. They had treatment years ago, and got better. But after 5-10 years, the depression came back, and here they are again.
I’m trying to give recovery a chance. But fuck, even if I do ever recover there is always the possibility of the depression returning. How am I supposed to build any type of life when that threat is always looming?
Anyway, not to get ahead of myself. I’m not even close to recovering anyway. But still. I will never really escape this illness.
I am having extreme back pain. I haven't hit a vape or bong in two days. That's an eternity for me. Been MIA on here but one of my threads got slightly hostile and it's depressing to finish reading. We are all in different head spaces, be kind to one another<3
It's been a while since I last posted. I must say I have been trying out a lot of things and I just realized nothing has changed. In fact things have only gotten way way way worse. I don't know what I've been doing this whole time. It's just been downhill. I don't even like to think about that.
Talked to a nice lady from the crisis line earlier and made her cry. Despite everything, we still laughed at the end. She wants to light a lantern for me.
I try to block out the pain, but it makes me very, very tired and I know I won't make it for long. I can already feel the pain reaching for me again. It's like last time. I lose the already bad connection to animals, people and myself. They seem robotic, not alive, unfamiliar. When I play with my cats or pet them, I get sad. I don't know if and how I will manage to detach myself from them completely. It will definitely be painful until the end. Hunger is just a nuisance and is taken care of with a minimum. Losing weight. This time I don't have a place to be alone.
My appetite has increased markedly in the past week. I know from past experience it's a sign that my anxiety/stress levels are getting out of control, though I can't feel it at all. I thought I had been improving - seems all I've really been doing is numbing myself to what's really going on inside of me.
If this is anything like before, things will need to go. It's just a matter of what and when. And I am beginning to wonder whether this means I will need to go back There and deal with Them again.
I think I'm going to have to move my CTB date to sometime before this Friday. Going to lose my apartment and be in debt according to my landlord. Finally pulled the box my SN was shipped in out of storage. Going to open it after my shower and do the blood test on it. Thought I had slightly more time...
As things get "better", my depressive episodes become longer,more intense, and more frequent? I finished school and found a good paying job, friends, and i have my own place and even got into shape this year but it really doesnt help. I'm not sure why people even said these things would help in hindsight or why I believed it, but at this point I kinda wanna just end it from a logical standpoint. I don't really feel interested in being alive anymore really but I wont because I really want to know what is the issue(professional help did nothing :/)
Nihilism, manifested in its destructive impulse is all this civilization of scarce individual freedom has been begging for. It's the remedy nature has concocted. There is no "we", no cheap substitute for a life worth living and no higher purpose. Maniacal denial of this will only increase suffering and, in its delusion, parody compassion. Is this parody - this artificial substitute for palatable existence - supposed to inspire gratitude? How badly scrambled are the brains of grateful sufferers?
All these metanarratives, religious or otherwise, claiming insight yet simple arithmetic pertaining to the human condition is always victorious:
Have my needs been met? Is my reason for lingering anything more than avoiding greater pain of shorter duration? Has my disgust in others and myself grown beyond expression?
No, no and yes. That completely encompasses it for me. Everything else is pure Stockholm syndrome.